She pushed her hands through her hair and took a deep breath. She had no idea what he wanted, but it wasn’t her. She took in a deep breath, preparing to face the man she loved.
‘Xavier,’ she said as she opened the door, injecting a happy note into her voice, one she was far from feeling. ‘We agreed. Remember?’
As soon as she’d said the words, she knew she’d given herself away. The way he coolly assessed her sent her nerves jangling and she resisted the urge to give in to the need to babble on. She didn’t have to explain herself to anyone, least of all Xavier Moretti.
‘Sì, mi ricordo.’ His brisk tone left her in no doubt he wasn’t here to rekindle the passion they’d shared. ‘May I come in?’
The piercing intensity in his eyes sent exasperation rushing through her, but she bit back her retort. If he thought he could come from one woman back to her, then he had got it drastically wrong. Just as she had done, trusting him at the manor. ‘I am rather busy packing.’
He looked surprised and she couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips. ‘Where and when are you going?’ The firmness in his voice couldn’t hide the shock her news had given him.
‘I’m going to Tuscany to meet my father’s family.’
‘Something else crossed off your list?’ The hard look in his eyes made a chill run down her spine.
She nodded. ‘I have you to thank for that.’ It was true. If he hadn’t made her talk about the past, unlocking a door she’d hidden behind like a terrified animal, then she wouldn’t be going. She wouldn’t even have contacted them.
‘And when would this be?’
She stood back, giving in to the need to see him again. He walked past her and into the small flat she proudly called home, only too aware it would be inferior to what he would be used to—but he was in her world now. He glanced at her passport and boarding pass, which sat neatly on her kitchen counter. ‘This Saturday?’
‘Yes.’ She resented the fact that he’d helped himself to the information, realising he was now very different from the relaxed man she’d shared a few passionate nights with. He might be in her world, but he’d brought his own agenda with him. ‘What is it you want, Xavier?’
Unexplainably irritated by his presence, she glared at him, wanting to know why he was there, but another part of her dreaded the answer, especially after seeing last night’s internet photos.
‘We need to talk.’ He moved a step closer and it was all she could do not to move away. She stayed firm and lifted her chin a little, looking directly into his handsome face, noting the hint of stubble and realising that even at the manor, when everything had been so different, he’d been clean-shaven. As she looked more closely she saw lines of tiredness etched on his face.
‘There’s nothing to say, Xavier.’
‘You know part of the story, now I want you to know the rest.’
Why was he talking to her like this? Cautiously, allowing a bit of hope into her heart, she responded, ‘Go on.’
‘Christmas wasn’t something I celebrated, not after destroying Paulo’s family.’ His face hardened, all trace of humour gone. Whatever it was that had happened at the racetrack that day haunted him still.
‘So why the New Year dinner party?’ She sensed there was more but knew he wouldn’t tell her. He hadn’t when she’d asked about his aversion to Christmas at the manor. She had been kept behind his defensive wall.
‘The New Year dinner party was for the benefit of my parents. Nothing more.’ His dark gaze met hers and she saw confusion and honesty in them. ‘An item crossed off my list.’
She touched his arm and those intense dark eyes searched her face. ‘I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re punishing yourself when you shouldn’t.’
‘Because of me and my need to win that race, my friend is dead. I had to be hard on myself.’ The words snapped from him and the pain in his voice froze the air around them before shattering it.
‘I don’t know much about motorcycle racing, Xavier, but I do know accidents are investigated and reports are made.’ She tried to placate him, tried to smooth the pain. They might be in her small flat, back in the real world, but right now it was as if the magic that had caught them in its grip at the manor had returned, weaving around them, shutting everything out.
‘I don’t need a damn report to tell me it was my fault. I know that, here.’ He thumped his fist against his chest, the pain in that action evident.
She wanted to reach for him, to wrap her arms around him and let her love wash away all that misplaced guilt, all that self-inflicted pain, but something held her back. She still didn’t understand why he was there. Why now when he’d only just been in the company of a new woman?
‘I saw it on the internet, Xavier.’ The words were a firm whisper, severing the thread of connection that had just woven itself around them. ‘Nobody blames you.’
* * *
Xavier stood and looked at Tilly, her blonde hair falling around her shoulders, and he remembered how it had felt, how soft it had been as he’d slid his fingers into it before kissing her.
‘You looked it up?’
Her gorgeous blue eyes widened in shock and she drew in a quick breath, but she didn’t move. After what felt like an eternity she finally spoke again, her voice holding an unsteady quiver. ‘Yes.’
‘And what did you decide?’ This was his worst fear. She blamed him, believed he was guilty. Why else would she look him up on the internet?
‘That you are being too hard on yourself.’ Firmness entered her voice and as he looked into her eyes he could see determination there and a strength he’d never noticed before. Her words echoed Sofia’s.
He realised that right now he had the biggest fight of his life on his hands. The fight for the woman he loved, the woman he wanted in his life for evermore. This was worse than being on the track, pushing the bike harder and faster to win. If he lost this fight, he’d lose everything.
‘Why are you here?’ The sharp question fired at him, dragging him from his thoughts, focusing his attention on what he was there for—the woman he loved.
‘To talk to you.’ It was all he could do not to reach for her, not to draw her close and kiss the surprise from her beautiful face, but already he could see her backing away emotionally. She was slipping behind the wall she’d built to keep everyone out and he couldn’t let that happen.
‘Why? It won’t serve any purpose.’ She stepped away from him, trying to put as much distance as possible between them. For the first time in his adult life he was unsure how to read a woman’s actions, especially as he still hadn’t worked out what he was going to say. All he knew was that he’d had to say something.
‘We are no longer strangers, Tilly. Dio mio, we have spent two nights in each other’s arms like lovers.’
Lovers. The word raced in his head. He hadn’t wanted to love her, but it had happened and now all he wanted was her love. She’d touched something deep inside him. She had changed and healed him.
When it had happened he didn’t know, but it had. He recalled the first moment he’d seen her standing in the courtyard at Wimble Manor as the snow had drifted to the ground around her, landing on her red woolly hat, which he’d found so very amusing. Had that been the moment?
‘No, Xavier. We agreed. Those nights meant nothing.’ Was she really dismissing what they’d shared as nothing?
That first moment her lips had met his rushed back. He was there once more, standing by the Christmas tree, loaded tension swirling around them, dragging them deeper and deeper under the spell of love.
Now that spell was no longer. The harsh glitter in her eyes didn’t hold any softness, any love. If anything, they held contempt.
‘It doesn’t have to stay that way.’ He moved towards her but she stepped back.
‘It does
, Xavier. You are not the type of man I need. You would never make me happy. We have to say goodbye.’
He frowned, trying to process her words. ‘Goodbye?’
‘Yes, goodbye.’ She stood firmly in the middle of her living room, glaring angrily at him. What had changed in such a short time? ‘So, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to leave.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
TILLY’S HEART BROKE as she stood there, knee deep in deception. She had to be strong, had to keep her emotions under control, anything that would stop her going to him, throwing her arms around his neck and herself at the mercy of the love she had for him. Love that had overshadowed every other emotion she’d experienced in those few days at the manor.
What had happened over the New Year had been deeper than the passion, more addictive than the sensual feel of his touch. It had also happened with such speed it seemed impossible, but there was no doubt. Not any more. She’d fallen in love with a man who’d been looking for nothing more than a distraction to while away the hours of being snowbound at New Year.
‘There isn’t a future for us, Xavier, there never was.’ She kept her voice devoid of emotion as his eyes narrowed. He was watching every move she made. Did he suspect she wasn’t telling him the truth?
‘Do you seriously expect me to believe that?’ He moved towards her, his voice heavily accented and becoming softer. ‘When you were a virgin?’
Stunned, she could only look at him, knowing the truth of his words. She’d given herself to him, believing, even though they didn’t have a future, there wasn’t anyone else in their lives. It had meant so little to him he’d gone straight to the arms of another woman.
‘Believe what you like. There isn’t a future for us. You never wanted what we shared to continue. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to leave.’
She moved towards the front door, desperate for him to leave. All she wanted to do was give in to her grief. The man she loved would never love her. She’d been nothing more than entertainment on a cold winter night. If his family had arrived as planned there was no way she and Xavier would have spent the night together.
‘No, Natalie.’ He spoke firmly but still managed to caress her name, taunting her with the use of it. She closed her eyes against the memories that soft and seductive tone released. She couldn’t remember now. She had to be brave and strong. ‘Lo non lascio.’
Tilly’s heart sank. Did he have to use his first language? She tried to think through the fog of confusion, trying to recall her childhood Italian. He wasn’t leaving. Well, she wasn’t going to stand here and be tormented by him.
‘You will leave. Right now.’ She folded her arms, whether to protect her heart or stop herself from reaching for him she wasn’t sure.
Xavier moved towards her, his dark eyes intense. They made her feel as if she was the only woman in the world he wanted. But she knew that wasn’t true. ‘I don’t want to leave you, Tilly.’
Please, she wanted to shout as he spoke again in Italian. It sounded so romantic, so seductive, but she knew it wouldn’t mean what she wanted it to—that he wanted her, loved her.
She was so distraught by his presence that she couldn’t fathom the fast-flowing words, couldn’t decide what he’d been saying. All she knew was that he had to leave. Right now.
‘Just go, Xavier. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, no matter what language you use.’ She turned her back on him and strode to the window, looking out over the grey London street.
* * *
Xavier walked to the door of Tilly’s flat, total desolation filling him. He’d almost poured his heart out. Unable to think in English, he’d told her in Italian, which he knew she could understand, that he was not going to walk away from the woman he loved. But her insistence that he leave had numbed him, making speaking in any language impossible. She’d even turned her back on him.
He couldn’t go. He couldn’t leave her. Sofia’s advice drove him on and he strode over to where she stood, resolutely staring out. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Natalie, not without saying what I have to say about us.’
She turned to look at him, her face upturned and the blue of her eyes so vivid it was like being at sea on a summer day. ‘There is no us. Never has been and never will be. I was your hired help. We should never have done what we did. It was wrong. Wrong on every level.’
‘Not after the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, you weren’t my hired help. And what is so wrong with passion?’
‘Nothing.’
He narrowed his eyes as she looked up at him, defiance in every breath she took. She was so beautiful he wanted to lower his head and claim her lips once more, to bring that passion back to life until it consumed them completely.
‘Then why hide from it? Why don’t you allow it into your life? What are you afraid of, Tilly?’
He touched her arm in a gesture of concern but she flinched and stepped back from him. He was losing her—and he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose the only woman he had ever loved. The only woman he would ever love.
‘You are the one hiding, not me,’ she said calmly, and frustration zipped around his body. He’d never thought telling a woman he loved her would be so difficult.
Her words were true. He was hiding, or rather avoiding the issue. He knew he was sidestepping the moment he had to put his heart on the line and tell her he loved her, that he couldn’t live without her. He would be exposing all his vulnerabilities, exposing himself to her rejection. Was that why he couldn’t form the words in English? Because he knew for certain she would understand?
‘I’m not hiding from anything.’
‘All the time you were at the manor you hated the Christmas tree and everything it represented. If I’m hiding from passion then you too are hiding from something.’
‘You are right,’ he said, and let out a deep breath. She had to know everything, from the nightmares that haunted his sleep to the love he felt for her. He had to tell her now, because he sensed this was the last time he would ever see her, that if he didn’t say something now she would shut him out of her life completely—and he wasn’t about to stand by and allow that. ‘Maybe we should talk over dinner?’
‘No.’ She shook her head determinedly.
‘Ottimo. We shall talk now.’
She didn’t move away from the window and when she returned her attention to the rainy street his heart sank. She didn’t want to hear what he had to say.
‘It’s time for me to move on, to start living my life again.’ The fact that he could do that was all down to her, but he couldn’t do it without her.
She looked earnestly into his face, her blue eyes searching his. ‘You’re right. You bear the scars, both physically and emotionally. You’ve lost a friend, but he wouldn’t want you to put your life on hold.’
He frowned at her as she said almost the same as Sofia had. ‘No, he wouldn’t.’
‘Would you want that if the roles were reversed? Would you want him to live with guilt eating at him for the rest of his life?’
‘That is what Sofia, his widow, has just told me. She doesn’t blame me and said Paulo would be angry if he knew I was.’ Images of his friend rushed through his mind.
‘So now you can stop punishing yourself.’
‘The way I handled those days at the manor was wrong, but I can’t lose you, Tilly.’ He put himself on the line as he said the words. She didn’t move. It looked as if his words had frozen her. ‘Not when I love you.’
He’d finally said it. He’d given life to the emotion that had been burning deep inside him since the moment he’d met Tilly. The silence that filled the room was so loud it almost deafened him.
* * *
Tilly’s head spun and her heart thumped harder in her chest. She looked into Xavier’s eyes, hoping to see love, but
saw only hard determination. How could he say he loved her when he had just returned from another woman’s side?
‘You don’t mean that.’ She shook her head in denial and returned her gaze to the growing darkness of the street outside, wishing he would stop torturing her. He’d been photographed with another woman—hours after leaving her.
He took hold of her arms and spun her round to look at him. She wanted to avert her gaze, but with the heat of his touch burning through her jumper she couldn’t. ‘I mean every word of it, Tilly. I have thought of nothing else but you since the moment we met.’
She lowered her gaze, trying to resist the urge to babble out whatever words came into her head, but the urge was too strong. ‘But I saw you—at the party last night, with your latest lover.’
His grasp on her arms loosened and she knew she’d said the wrong thing. ‘How?’
Now she would have to spill the whole sorry truth about looking him up on the internet, about searching for information about the accident. ‘I saw the pictures on the internet.’ She pressed her lips firmly together to prevent herself airing more babbling excuses.
She kept her gaze averted but when she looked up again it was to see a wary look of surprise on his handsome face. ‘Does that mean you couldn’t stop thinking of me?’
‘Yes. I mean no.’ She knew she was in danger of talking too much again and pulled herself free of his grasp. She couldn’t think straight when he was so near, when the intoxicating scent of him made her remember those nights she’d sworn she would forget.
‘Natalie, don’t.’ The sexy accent he used for her name drew her up sharply and those memories hurtled back.
‘Don’t what?’ she asked in exasperation. He really had to go before she spilled everything out and told him she loved him. But she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t risk it. Already he’d tired of her and could hurt her far more than Jason ever had. She couldn’t face rejection again.
‘Don’t hide. Don’t run.’
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