by J. L. White
I was offended at first, even though deep down I knew her fears were valid.
She knew it too, and when I tried to protest she said, “Remember when you took your boat out?”
Not counting my recent outing with Whitney, I’ve taken my boat out exactly one time. At first, I told myself I wasn’t going out boating because I was too busy. Those first several months, that was true. We were beyond busy. After things settled down though, it became clear I was avoiding it. I kept it stocked and maintained. I could’ve gone down to the docks and taken her out any time I wanted. But for the longest time, I didn’t.
Finally, I decided to try it. I took a weekend and went as far down the coast as I could and still be back in time for work on Monday. That trip did nothing but confirm my fears.
I still remember the moment it was time for me to turn around and come back. I sat in the captain’s chair on the upper deck, both hands gripping the wheel, the rough sea winds whipping around me. I let my gaze go soft on the horizon. In one direction Mexico, South America. In another Hawaii, or Japan. I’ve never been to Japan. I could feel them all calling to me from over the sea. But I’m needed here too.
It was a tough battle to win.
“I didn’t think you were going to come back,” Lizzy said.
“Well, I did.” But she only looked more concerned. “I won’t do that to you.” I still didn’t know what my final decision was going to be, but I did know I couldn’t just abandon them on a whim like that. “I promise.”
She didn’t look at all comforted. It was disturbing.
“Don’t you believe me?”
“I believe... you don’t want to.”
That was too much for me. I still don’t know if it’s because what she was saying wasn’t true, or because it was. “You know, I’ve been here almost eight months, Lizzy. That’s not nothing.”
“I know.”
“I’ve been here right alongside you guys, and yet that doesn’t seem to be enough.”
“No, we appreciate it. It’s not about that.”
“Then what is it about? Haven’t I done enough to show I can be dependable? I think I’ve come through for you. Why does that mean nothing?”
“It means everything,” she said, her voice breaking. I can still hear the way her voice broke, and the way her face looked. When she continued, she maintained her composure, but her voice still quivered a bit. “That’s part of the problem. We love having you here and—”
“We?” I interrupted.
“Yes, we. Rayce really missed you when you were gone.”
“I think he’d be fine to get rid of me now.”
“That’s not true. I know he’s been... kind of difficult lately.” When I gave her a wry look, she said, “Hey, you’ve been feeding into it too, kiddo.”
“Don’t call me kiddo.”
“Look, this hasn’t been easy for anyone, you know. And I know we keep telling you we’d need time to find a replacement, but the truth is, it’s more than that. We’re just... trying to prepare ourselves to lose you again and it’s hard not knowing when that will be.”
That’s when I really felt like an ass. As if they haven’t lost enough already.
At the pained look on my face, she said, “Don’t feel badly. I’m not trying to guilt you. That’s why I haven’t said anything, but I really think you need to make a decision with your head before your feet make it for you. It’ll be bad timing for everyone if that happens.”
“Why do you both keep talking about it like you know I’m going to go?”
She let out a humorless laugh. “Because. We know you and we see that wildness in your eyes. You’re starting to lose it, Connor.”
Now, sitting in my office, with memories of Whitney still fresh on my skin, I’m determined not to be losing it. I have to find a way to tame that restless side of me. I have to find a way to make this work. Other people manage to have lives like this. I should be able to do it, too.
Right?
I get a text from Lizzy. I know she’s in for the day because her office door is open, but she must be busy elsewhere because I haven’t actually seen her yet.
Lizzy: Where are you?
See what I mean?
Me: In my office.
Lizzy: I need to talk to you about the Zurwicky wedding. Can we chat in 20?
Me: I’ll be here.
I turn back to my computer and try to focus on the email I’m drafting. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I take a few deep breaths, and it helps a little. I haven’t felt this unsettled in a long time.
Maybe I’m struggling so much today because we took the boat out. Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I wasn’t going to say no to Whitney.
Speaking of, my phone dings and I see it’s a text from her.
I smile instantly.
Whitney: I miss you already.
Me: Me too. Four more days.
Whitney: I can’t wait. We get to see each other on purpose!
I laugh. I think about sending her a text back, but impulsively hit “Call” instead and get up to shut the door so we can talk privately.
“Hi,” she answers, and I hear the smile on her face.
I sink back into my chair and lean back, smiling too. “Hey. I wanted to hear your voice.”
And maybe that really is all I’ve needed, because as we begin to talk, whatever’s been restless inside of me settles in deep, and grows still.
Chapter 22
Connor
The next few weeks are filled with texting and phone calls and not enough time seeing one another. I did spend the weekend with her in San Francisco, where I got to meet her boss and coworkers, see her small but homey condo, and go to her favorite places (this girl is in love with Philly cheesesteak). Last weekend, I flew her back down. I took her down the zip line, which she loved, and we had dinner with my family. Corrine’s out of school now, so she was there too. They all love Whitney.
I think I love her too.
In fact, I’m pretty damn fucking sure I am crazy in love with that woman.
The best part, as Whitney says, is that now our goodbyes are temporary.
The worst part is I still can’t seem to officially commit to staying. Even though my family sees what’s happening with Whitney and think I ought to have some sort of answer, when they ask if I’ve made a decision, the words that come out of my mouth are still, “I don’t know.”
They’re frustrated with me.
I’m frustrated with me.
Even though I’ve made the decision in my head, and even though I’ve told Whitney I’m staying, when it comes time to tell my siblings and make it official, I can’t spit the words out.
It’s made my relationship with Rayce even more fun. He’s been in rare form the last few days. The fact that Rita Becker recently ran a column accusing him of having illicit affairs with multiple lower-level staff members didn’t help matters. She had neither names nor photos to back up her claims. It’s just more trash, clearly, but it pissed Rayce off anyway. Put all that together, and that means I’m still his favorite target.
Corrine and I have joked around that I need to keep a tranquilizer gun in my desk so I’ll be prepared the next time he comes barging into my office on the warpath.
I’m currently wrapping up a meeting with Lizzy, Renee, and the Activity Manager. We’ve been discussing a couple upcoming, high-profile weddings that will be taking advantage of the full offerings here at the resort, and more or less feel things are under control. As we all clear out of the Event Planning Conference room, though, Renee asks if she can talk with me privately.
Lizzy gives me a questioning look—she’s Renee’s immediate supervisor, not me—but I don’t know what this is about either. As I shut the door and sit back down at the table, Renee starts fidgeting with the file folders in front of her. My curiosity is piqued even more. “What’s up?”
“There’s something I wanted to bring to your attention,” she begins, taking a deep breath.
>
“All right.”
“It’s… maybe not my business, but…” She stops again, furrowing her brows. “Did you see the article about Mr. Rivers? About the, um, affairs?”
Oh, is that all this is about?
“Just gossip,” I say. “If Rita Becker doesn’t have anything good to report, she’ll just make stuff up.”
She nods slowly, still hesitant. “Well… I don’t know. I… saw something I thought you should be aware of.”
The skin on the back of my neck starts to crawl. “All right,” I say steadily.
“The other day I saw Mr. Rivers and one of my employees coming out of the Redwood Room. It wasn’t being used or even scheduled for anything, so there was no reason for her to be in there. They…” she hesitates and my skin is crawling everywhere. “They kind of gave each other a look and she was straightening her skirt and they left in different directions.”
“What kind of look?” I ask, even though I don’t want to know.
“Well… I don’t know. I’m not accusing anybody of anything. I don’t know why they were in there.”
“I understand.”
“It just… seemed off. They did look at each other like… like maybe something was going on in there.”
I take a deep breath and sit back in my chair. “I see.”
“I’m not saying anything happened. I just… I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it and then I saw that article in the Voice and I thought you should know.”
“Who was the employee?”
“Her name is Taylor Norell. She mainly does set up and such.”
“Did you ask her about it?”
“No. I didn’t know if I should.”
I take another deep breath. “All right. Thank you for telling me. Is there anything else I need to know?”
She hesitates.
God. What else?
“Well…” she begins. “You should know I overheard a couple people in the break room speculating about this. I didn’t believe it and put an end to things pretty quickly. I have zero patience for gossip. And I didn’t think he would do anything like that.”
“But now you’re not so sure?”
She gives me a pained, apologetic expression. “It’s not for me to say. I just wanted to tell you what I saw. Maybe it was just an innocent thing. It… doesn’t seem like the kind of thing Mr. Rivers would do. I have a lot of respect for him. For all of you. I really admire the way you’ve all kept this place running. Your parents would be proud.”
I give her a small smile at the compliment, but I’m feeling the weight of everything she’s just told me. “Thank you, Renee. Do you have anything else to tell me?”
She shakes her head. “No. And I don’t need to know anything more about this,” she says, holding her hands up. “I wanted to tell you and now I have. I’m not going to give it any more thought.”
I thank her again and head back to the administrative offices, my thoughts heavy and my blood running cold. Even though it didn’t exactly prove anything, I feel uneasy about what Renee saw. But Rayce wouldn’t do something like that. Would he?
I enter the offices not knowing what I’m going to do until I’m doing it. Rayce is sitting behind his desk, writing something on a small pad by his computer. I go in, shut the door behind me, and approach his desk.
When he stops writing and looks up at me, I look at him more closely than I have in a while. The truth is, something has been different not just with our relationship but with Rayce. I don’t know what, and I don’t know why, but something is different.
I still don’t think he would do this, though.
“I have a question for you,” I say quietly. There’s no animosity in my voice (the way there so often is these days, if I’m honest with myself). But right now, I’m putting everything else aside. I have a real question, and I need a real answer. I think Rayce senses it, because he puts his pen down, knits his brows at me, and leans back in his chair.
“Okay,” he says. Also without animosity.
“That column of Rita Becker’s.”
His expression immediately goes hard. “Jesus, Connor. You should know better.”
“Are you having a relationship with a Taylor Norell?”
He freezes, holding my eyes. He looks uncomfortable.
“You shouldn’t listen to rumors,” he says, picking up his pen, then putting it back down. I’m still standing here, watching him. I don’t want to believe it, but I don’t like what Renee saw. And I don’t like how he’s acting. I don’t like that he didn’t really answer my question. I don’t like any of this.
Yet, I can’t see my brother doing something like this. I just can’t.
He sees me watching him and lets out an exasperated sigh. “Oh come on, Connor.” He turns back to his computer, mouse clicking.
Again, no denial. Heart pounding harder than I’d like, I say quietly, “Tell me it’s not true, and I’ll believe you.”
Rayce looks at me then. He just looks at me, and I think he’s going to admit it. God, he looks like he’s going to say, ‘Yes, I’m having an affair.’
But in a calm and sober voice he says, “It’s not true.” Then he gets up, and quietly leaves.
I’m left standing there, knowing the truth.
Chapter 23
Whitney
I’ve been offered a promotion. My boss wants to make me manager over the San Francisco resettlement team. It would mean more responsibility, more money, and more benefits. I’d be working more with the refugee families who come over intact, not the orphans like I do now, so it’d be easier to deal with emotionally, I think. There’d be less direct contact with the people we serve, so that might help too.
She told me to think about it and give her an answer next week. It’d be worth making a change and giving it a shot, I think, if it weren’t for one thing.
This last month with Connor has been amazing. Whether we’re talking on the phone or spending time together in person, every interaction I have with him just makes me love him more. He hasn’t asked me to move to Swan Pointe, but if he gets to the point where he’s ready, I already know I want to. I’ve flirted with the idea of making a career change for a couple of years now, always feeling so torn and undecided.
Connor has tipped the scales.
Starting over with a new career would be intimidating and risky, but it has the potential to pay off if I can find a better fit for myself, and the risks would be worth it if I could be with Connor while I’m doing it. The long-distance thing is already getting more difficult. I haven’t wanted to pressure him about anything though. It’s only been four weeks and I think we need to take our time.
Well, I think Connor probably needs that anyway. I’m ready to take it to the next level right now. But I don’t want to push. I’m well aware of the fact that Connor’s going down a road he closed off to himself a long time ago.
For that reason, I don’t know how to approach talking to him about the promotion. If I’m going to be making a move within the next year (please, oh, please) I don’t think it’d be fair to my boss to accept the promotion now.
This week, we each took a long weekend because I’ve been wanting to go on an adventure with him. I didn’t care where. He brought me to Haida Gwaii, these beautiful islands off the western coast of British Columbia, where we’ve spent our first full day hiking through an ancient rainforest. I didn’t even know rainforests existed this far north, though they do look different than the ones on the equator. I must have taken fifty pictures of the trees alone. There are all these massive Sitka Spruce and Red Cedar that bring to mind the coastal Redwoods and giant Sequoias back home.
We’re having dinner at a casual restaurant with good food and a view of Skidegate Inlet. We’ve finished our main meal, but are enjoying some dessert, in no hurry to leave. As we eat the delicate cream-filled pastry with ice cream and fruit compote, we’re trying to decide what we’ll do tomorrow. We’ve narrowed it down to either kayaking or boating ar
ound the north side of the island, which is supposed to have all these glorious coves.
“Either is fine by me,” I say. “It’ll be fun either way.”
“Too bad we can’t do both,” Connor says.
I don’t think he’s used to having such a short amount of time to explore a place, but he’s being a good sport about it.
“Are you missing that wide-open calendar?” I ask, teasing.
He grins, lifts my hand, and plants a kiss on it. “I don’t miss anything when I’m with you.” I reward his sweet talking with a smile. “How about we just wake up tomorrow and see how we feel?”
“Sounds good to me.”
We polish off the rest of our dessert, then fall into a contented silence, watching the water.
I’m again thinking about the promotion offer, trying to decide how to bring it up and what to say. But the opportunity passes me by yet again, thanks to my procrastinating, and Connor gets us on a new topic. The topic itself makes me clean forget the promotion. He thinks his brother might be having an affair with one of their employees.
“What?” I ask, wide-eyed.
Connor nods. “I’m shocked, too. I wouldn’t have thought he’d do anything like this. And maybe he isn’t but… I think he is.” Connor fills me in on his conversation with his Events Manager, and says he’s not sure if he should get Lizzy in on things, or talk with the employee himself, or what he should do. Then he tells me about Rayce’s denial, but Connor doesn’t believe him.
Which leads to us talking about how strained their relationship still is. I knew it had been bad for several months. What surprises me is that it isn’t getting any better. I’d been under the impression that Rayce had been frustrated with Connor because he wasn’t making a decision about whether or not he’d continue at the resort.
“I don’t understand why Rayce is still being so short with you,” I say. “Now that he knows you’re staying, doesn’t he feel better about things?”