by Jacob Chance
Laughter and the sound of people conversing hit us as we step inside. My eyes scan around the space and I’m surprised by all the progress Kyle and Janny have made since they purchased this house. They’ve only moved in recently and it already has the feel of a home. There are area rugs on the floors, curtains on the windows and pictures on the walls. I notice one of the paintings I did for Janny when we were dating has a place of honor over the fireplace. The bright shades of blue I used for the beach scene always reminds me of her beautiful eyes.
My gaze flicks in Elle’s direction as she hugs Janny. I’ve studied her eyes enough to know they’re the color of warm dark chocolate, but if you look closely you notice flecks of gold, like the finest aged whiskey. And if you look further there are tiny fiery specks of copper. Her eyes have so much warmth to them. Too bad her personality is ice cold when it comes to me. I’m not sure what happened with the two of us. We used to be friends and enjoyed each other’s company. Janny, Elle and I always spent time together and even as recent as six months ago, we were fine. Now everything’s changed. There’s always tension and any subject can be a source of contention between us.
Moving into the kitchen, I grab a Sam Adams from the state of the art stainless steel refrigerator and head to the large living room. I find Kyle and Derek kicked back on the large sectional that was purchased to replace Kyle’s old comfortably worn leather couch.
“What’s up, gentlemen?” I say, taking a seat in one of the large brown leather chairs. Kicking my feet up on the matching ottoman, I sip my beer, before placing it down on the small table beside me.
Derek lifts his chin in my direction. “What’s new with you, man? I haven’t seen much of you lately.”
“I’ve been working a lot, finishing up the paintings for City Hall. I’ve had some other side projects going,” I mention vaguely, running a hand back and forth over my short hair. None of my friends are aware of what’s been taking up all my time these days and I don’t plan on filling them in anytime soon.
“Is that new ink on the inside of your arm?” Kyle asks. His eyes narrow with laser focus on my wrist.
Dropping my hand from my head, I tug down on the cuff of my black button-down shirt. I knew it would only be a matter of time before his cop eyes noticed. He never misses anything. “Yeah, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time now.” Hoping he’ll be satisfied with my answer, I don’t go into detail.
“We’re not good enough to see it?” Derek asks, with a smirk.
“Aww, dude, don’t get your panties in a twist,” I say as I undo the button on my cuff. Rolling my sleeve back twice, I hold up my arm.
“What the hell does that say?” Kyle questions his eyebrows pressing together.
“It’s a line from a nineteenth century poem.”
“Are you turning emo on me, kid?” Derek raises an eyebrow. “Who’s the one wearing panties now?”
“What does it say?” Kyle asks, forever being the peacekeeper between Derek and me.
“She walks in beauty, like the night. It’s a famous Lord Byron poem.”
“Yeah, I don’t remember learning about poetry in school,” Derek says.
“Well, high school was a long time ago, old man. Did you have your fifteen-year reunion yet?” I question.
“Then again, I never brought a single book home my senior year. The O’Leary sisters were in my classes and they used to do my homework for me,” he replies, ignoring my question. Smiling, he wiggles his eyebrows. “Homework’s not all they did for me.”
Kenna, his wife chooses this moment to walk over. I grin with a glance aimed at Derek, knowing he’s fucked.
“What are you guys talking about?” she asks.
“Senior year in high school,” Derek replies with a smile.
Kenna rolls her eyes. “Not the O’Leary sisters again.”
I chuckle. “So, you’ve heard this story?” I question with surprise.
“Please. I’ve heard them all. You forget he and I tried to stay away from each other from the time I was eighteen until I was twenty-five. I think he got a sick satisfaction from sharing stories of his pre-Kenna days, trying to drive me away.” She presses her lips together and sits down in Derek’s lap. His arms wrap around her waist.
“I saved the best for last, Leoncita. Doesn’t that count for anything?” He nuzzles her neck with his lips and she giggles.
“It’s a good thing I’m such a forgiving person. Otherwise you’d still be trying to win me over.” She leans her forehead on his.
“I think we wasted enough time, don’t you?”
She nods her head and softly presses her lips to his.
My chest tightens with envy as I watch them. I want a relationship like the one they have. I fucking crave it. Unfortunately, the person I love will never feel the same. I could tattoo my entire body with love sonnets I’d personally written inspired by her beauty and she’d still curl her lip up with disgust at me.
3
Elle
“Oh my god.” I cover my mouth with my hand at the first sight of Janny in her wedding dress. “You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.”
She smiles and runs her hand over the ever-growing curve of her stomach. “Thank you, Elle.”
“You can barely tell you’re pregnant,” I say with a wink.
“How did you know what I was wondering?”
“Because you’re my best friend and you’ve never been able to hide anything from me. You look unbelievably gorgeous. Big bad Kyle might faint when he sees you for the first time.” We both giggle at the thought of her macho fiancé passing out at the end of the aisle.
“Nothing’s stopping this wedding,” Janny says with a smile. “I don’t care if I have to prop him up to say his vows. This wedding is happening.”
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He’s been trying to convince you to elope for the past two months.”
“Yeah. I think he thought he’d change my mind, but he underestimated how much I wanted all the people we love to be with us,” she says, fastening the diamond earrings which belonged to her mother. They’re her something old. Her grandmother gifted them to Janny’s mother on her eighteenth birthday. When Janny reached the same age, her mother kept the tradition going. The gesture is even more bittersweet because Janny’s parents perished in a fire when she was only eighteen. She was the only survivor that fateful night.
Glancing at my reflection in the full-length mirror as I put on some red lipstick, I study my overall appearance. I’m not unattractive. The attention I get from the opposite sex is proof enough, but the size of my boobs and ass might have more to do with it than my overall appearance.
Sometimes, I envy my best friend. Even with all the tragedy she’s suffered through, she remains unjaded and kindhearted. She’s the nicest person and I wish I could be more like her. She’s beautiful on the inside and outside, and she found a man who recognizes this and loves her for it.
No man’s going to love me for what I am on the inside - dark and dirty. No guy’s going to dig beneath all the murky and tarnished layers to see if anything worth salvaging remains. And even if there was someone who wanted to put in the effort, I wouldn’t let him waste his time. He’d only be disappointed at what he’d find.
Squeezing Janny one final time, I turn forward, resting my hand in the bend of Josh’s arm. My fingers tingle from the simple contact and my heart races.
He glances down at me. “Ready?” he questions. I can’t look at him. If I do, I won’t be able to pull my eyes from his captivating green ones and it’s our turn to walk down the aisle. I can’t be the reason Janny and Kyle’s wedding gets delayed.
“Yes,” I reply. My voice sounds scratchy to my own ears and it’s all because of Josh. I can’t be within five feet of him without turning into a nervous fool. I hide my feelings, alternating between feigned indifference and disgust because I never want him to see how strongly I care for him. He’ll never know how much I
wish I could be a different person for him. A better person.
The guitar music being played by a local musician gets drowned out in my head as we begin to slowly walk down the long-carpeted aisle. All my attention is on Josh’s rock-hard bicep underneath my fingers. When his other hand comes to rest on top of mine, I almost misstep, barely catching myself at the last second. The sensation of his warm palm on my skin makes it difficult for me to breathe. The connection we first experienced in Las Vegas, hasn’t lessened at all. The four months without his touch have only made it more powerful. My heart races as I panic. Keeping my focus forward on the end of the aisle, I will myself to remain calm. He can’t know the effect he has on me. No one can. I don’t even want to admit it to myself.
When we part ways in front of the minister and Kyle, Josh trails his fingertips over the back of my hand sending a shiver of longing down my spine. Clenching my teeth together in a tight smile, I pretend nothing’s amiss and remind myself to breathe. My legs are unsteady as I walk the last few steps, stopping in front of Kenna. Staring at my red toenails peeking out of my heels, I avoid looking in Josh’s direction as he heads back down the aisle toward Janny. Seeing how handsome he looks in his tux won’t help the situation any.
The musician sitting in the choir loft, begins to strum the beginning of the song Just Breathe by Pearl Jam. Leave it to Janny and Kyle to forgo tradition and do something different and perfectly symbolic of their relationship.
My chest tightens and my eyes well with tears as I watch my best friend being walked down the aisle by Josh. I was aware she’d asked him, but seeing them now it hits me what a perfect choice he is. The fact he’s her ex makes it unorthodox, but they’ve managed to keep their friendship intact despite the demise of their relationship. He’d do anything for her.
Janny’s smile grows larger as each step brings her closer to Kyle. When they reach the end of the aisle, Josh leans down and kisses her cheek. He and Kyle exchange handshakes, then clap each other on the back. My eyes follow Josh’s broad shoulders as he moves to stand behind Derek, the best man. When he takes his place our gazes lock and for a moment I let my guard down. I don’t hide my feelings behind a scowl or a pretend wall of indifference. I care Josh. I care so much, but you deserve so much more.
The exchange of vows is all a blur between the tears of happiness I’m shedding for my best friend and my jumbled thoughts of Josh. In a different world, I could be in Janny’s shoes, vowing to spend my life with the man I love. Unfortunately, I live in reality and in this life, I’m destined for no strings relationships. It’s what I’m used to and what I’m best at.
When it’s time for me to take Josh’s arm for our walk back down the aisle, my stomach wavers with nervous energy. Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for my body's reaction to touching him. My fingers close around his solid bicep and his hand once again covers mine. I fight the urge to crash myself into his chest and hungrily take his lips. Would our kiss be as combustible as the one in Vegas? Merely thinking about it makes my knees weak.
Focusing on Janny and Kyle as they embrace in the vestibule helps me to settle down and I’m able to walk steadily next to Josh as we move forward one step at a time toward the newly married couple.
“Only a few more,” the photographer calls out looking through the lens. Hurry up and take the fucking picture. I’m dying, here. I’m not sure how much more of Josh’s nearness I can handle. We’ve been dutifully posing for pictures for thirty minutes and for the last ten, I’ve been fighting the urge to run away. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it together with his arms wrapped around my waist and his muscular chest pressed to my back. Add in his warm breath against my neck and I’m completely on edge. Caught between my desire for him and the fear of letting him in, my thoughts wage war inside my head.
Turn around and lay a kiss on him he’ll never forget, the reckless side of me urges.
Breathe and relax. This will be over soon; my cautious side reminds me.
Rational thought prevails, and we’re finally done. I exhale a large sigh as I slip out of his arms and head straight for the bar. I need a drink. Fate must be smiling down on me, when a waiter holding a tray of champagne stops me. I flash him a grin. “You have no idea how much I need this, right now.” He returns my smile and I wink as I grab a second glass. I down the first one in two large gulps and the second one soon follows. Placing the two empty glasses on his tray, I say, “thank you,” before grabbing a third.
“Elle,” I hear Kenna calling my name as she approaches. “We need to take our seats at the table for dinner.”
“Great,” I mumble.
“What’s wrong?” Her brow is furrowed as she studies me.
“I don’t want to sit next to Josh for another hour,” I answer, honestly. I run a hand over my forehead. “I don’t know what it is about him that irks me so.”
Kenna smiles knowingly. “You don’t?”
“Well, I’m sure I can come up with a long list of annoying things he does.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” She presses her lips together. “You guys remind me of what Derek and I used to be like. The sexual tension between you is thick enough to cut with a knife. It’s hot.” She wiggles her eyebrows.
I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Deny, deny, deny. It doesn’t change anything. The tension is there whether you admit it exists or not. When you two decide to give in, it will be the sex of your life. Take it from me.” She winks.
I scrunch my nose up and shake my head. “You’re crazy. Joshua Dawson and I will never do anything naked together. Lately, we can barely tolerate each other fully clothed.”
She pats my shoulder. “Okay, we’ll revisit this conversation at a later date when you can tell me how I called it correctly and how epic the sex was. For now, we need to grab our seats before Janny has a nervous breakdown.”
Staring down at my prime rib, I do my best not to think about Josh’s muscular thigh which keeps bumping into mine. I’m struggling to do this meal justice. It’s delicious I’m sure, but I’m not even tasting it. It could be cardboard for all I can tell. I’m too distracted by Josh’s arm pressing into mine and his masculine scent that keeps wafting over to me. It smells better than this meal and that’s saying something. I love prime rib which is one of the reasons it’s even an option. Janny added it for me and now I’m not even able to finish it. Instead, I’m merely shifting the meat and potatoes to different parts of the plate.
“Are you okay?” Josh leans over and asks softly. His warm breath against my ear makes me shiver. It angers me that he has this effect on me.
“I’m fine.” My answer is short.
“Are you sure?”
Why can’t he simply ignore me? It would be so much easier. “Look, I said I was fine. I don’t need you to be your boy scout self and look out for my wellbeing. You’re not going to earn any merit badges tonight,” I say in a bitchy tone and motion with my hand for him to move away as if he’s an insect.
He chuckles. “I get it. You’re not used to guys who ask how you are or even care.” He grips my chin and turns my face toward his. “What you need to know is I’m not going to change how I act because you want me to. I understand that your expectations of people are less.” His light green eyes narrow and flare with anger. “But I’m not going to be an asshole because that’s all you know. When I ask you if you’re okay it’s not motivated by anything other than concern. I’m a nice person and you’re not going to change me.” He stands abruptly; his chair slides backward with a screech. Throwing his napkin down on top of his plate, he stalks away without another glance.
Watching him move further away, my stomach sinks. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch to him, but I can’t seem to help myself. These new feelings I have for him go beyond friendship and they confuse me. One moment I want to kiss his masculine lips and the next, I want to piss him off. There’s no rhyme or reason to how I shift un
expectedly from one extreme to the other and there doesn’t seem to be any way to control it.
Spreading the white cloth napkin over my lap, I think about the words he gritted out at me. Josh is one of the nicest people. He’s respectful and kind to those he cares about and he doesn’t deserve my behavior. Maybe later I can find a way to smooth things over between us.
4
Josh
Why does she have to look so fucking hot all the time?
Groaning, I knock back another shot of Jack Daniel’s. I will my brain to purge itself of her image. Get out of my goddamn head, Elle.
Slamming the small glass down on the bar, my fingers clench into fists and squeeze. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with any more of her passive aggressive bullshit. After being subjected to her company and biting remarks at last night’s rehearsal dinner and then again today at Kyle and Janny’s wedding, I’ve had enough of Elle Johnson to last me a lifetime. Her continuous need to insult me at any opportunity has worn out my last nerve. I had to put some distance between us before I snapped and did something I’d regret, like smash our lips together and never let them part.
Which is why I’m drinking shots at this very moment. I have no plan to stop any time soon - or at least until she’s no longer at the forefront of my thoughts.
“How you doin’, man?” Derek sidles up next to me at the bar and takes the vacant stool to my right. His eyes track the path of my heated stare. “When are you gonna go for it, dude? She’s yours for the taking - so take her.”
Shaking my head, I slide the rim of another shot glass between my lips and tip back the cold liquid. It teases a path down to my chest, kind of like Elle does. Only she’s not a cool burning sensation; she’s a fiery ball of destruction annihilating everything in her path. She makes my chest ache and not in a good way. Rubbing my hand over the exact spot, I try to soothe the discomfort only she can cause.