No, trust me, I expected that. “Don’t tease the new kid,” he said instead, a lame attempt at banter. He wasn’t used to this side of Sparrow. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be.
“You’re not new.” Sparrow went to the bag where his suit was hanging and started pulling things out to get dressed.
Nick was absolutely not thrilled to watch Everett Sparrow put on a suit. Not at all.
“Hey, Nick, I’m sorry about...well, a lot of shit, but that night in Buffalo. I was an ass.”
Nick had no idea that Sparrow even knew his first name. “Uh. It’s okay.” God, he sounded like a stuttering, broken record. Everett Sparrow was insanely hot and buttoning up a fitted dress-shirt in charcoal gray that made Nick hard, but Nick should not be gaping at Sparrow like a slack-jawed moron and speaking with all the mental acumen of a third-grader.
“It’s really not.” Sparrow bit his lip and looked down as he finished with the shirt, which was not helping Nick’s predicament. “I can’t believe I drove off and left you there in the snow. I was just…this trade was a surprise.”
Nick’s eyebrows went up. “I figured that,” he said, dryly enough that Sparrow’s head came up, and he smiled a bit at Nick.
“Yeah.” He pulled the tie out of his suit bag and went to stand in front of the mirror.
Nick wanted to grab an over-priced bottle of water from the mini-fridge and down it. His mouth was dry as he watched Sparrow tie his pale-blue tie into a perfect Windsor knot. “I mean you were one of the top scorers on the Knights. And the team was going to the playoffs. So I get it.”
Way to remind him of why he hated leaving. Nick wanted to groan. He wasn’t usually this bad with people. But God, he’d had no idea how attractive Everett Sparrow was when he wasn’t being an asshole or sulking. And when he was wearing a suit tailored to his lean frame and…yeah. Nick shifted uncomfortably on the bed, willing his ill-timed erection to subside.
“Well, yeah, but it wasn’t just that. I was sort of seeing someone, and it ended badly. So I wasn’t in a very good mood to begin with, and I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a jerk.” He finished with the tie and left off the jacket, sitting opposite Nick on his bed. “You’re fitting in well, though. That’s good.”
“Are you trying to talk me into letting you have the garage?” Nick asked, slightly uncomfortable with the big-brother-esque nature of their conversation. He already had a big brother, and he didn’t want another one. What he wanted was to get laid, a rough hand on his dick, a mouth. Something.
Jesus. It didn’t help when Sparrow tossed his head back and laughed, showing the corded muscles of his neck. “Nah, I like our little battle too much to pull that kind of shit.” The momentary brilliance of his smile faded to a dull glimmer. “Really, though. I’m sorry. I’m trying to get over myself.”
Nick didn’t know quite how to react to hearing Sparrow say that. It was honest and vulnerable, and Nick appreciated that Sparrow trusted him enough to show that side of himself. “It was kind of a dickhead thing to do. In Buffalo, I mean. With the car. Yours had an automatic start, man. I couldn’t even get my damn door open.”
When in doubt, default to bro-humor.
Sparrow had the grace to flush. “I know. I’ll make it up to you.”
“How? By giving me the garage from now on?” Or maybe a blowjob.
“You wish,” said Sparrow, and oh, yes, Nick did wish.
***
THE BAR WAS crowded for a Thursday, some local place where Harry and Rems dragged Nick after they’d won a game against the reigning Cup champs, the St. Louis Eagles. It was an improbable win, and it had bolstered the team’s spirits. They were playing now just to end the season with a little more respectability and give their fans some hope that next year would be different.
There were a lot of girls at the bar, scantily dressed ones, who were all model-pretty and leggy. Nick could appreciate that they were lovely even if he didn’t want to sleep with them, but it was clear Harry and Rems wanted him to do more than just appreciate the scenery. They were both single and thought Nick, who was also single, should be taking advantage of the so-called “local wildlife”.
Nick thought about his sister-in-law, Kristen. She was smart and pretty and would kick Nick in the shins if he ever referred to women as “the local wildlife”. She and Nick’s brother, Jacob, were the only two who knew Nick was gay, but that wouldn’t excuse him from a lecture if she was in a mind to give one.
Three girls were hovering around their group, holding drinks that were somehow just as pretty and bubbly as they were. One of them was quieter, though, and she drifted closer to Nick.
“Hi, my friends want to sleep with hockey players, but this is so not my scene. Can I pretend to flirt with you?”
Nick wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly, but she immediately reminded him of Kristen, and that put him more at ease. “Yeah, sure.” Should he be worried that she didn’t want to flirt with him? Was it so obvious he was gay? He was fitting in so well with his new team that he didn’t want to risk losing the camaraderie he’d found here.
“Not that you’re not really cute,” she added, and then blushed just like Nick had in Detroit when confronted by a half-dressed Everett Sparrow. “Oh, lord. I’m so bad at this.” She smiled grimly. “Sorry.”
She was bad at this, with none of the I’m hot, and I know it confidence of her friends – despite objectively being just as attractive, if not more so. But she was genuine and a little awkward, and Nick could relate. He also shared her lack of skill when it came to picking up guys. “Nah, I get it. I’m not that great at it either.”
They both watched as Harry pulled one of the girls onto his lap. He did it with the same easy confidence with which he threw his gloves off on the ice, and the girl was clearly appreciative, winding her arms around Harry’s neck and giggling. Nick envied him the ability if not the result.
“My name’s Nick.” He held his hand out to the girl.
“Jade.” She shook his hand and grinned. “I’m a Pittsburgh Buccaneers fan.”
That was the Foxes’ archrival team, so it made Nick laugh. “I see how it is.”
Jade was easy to talk to if nothing else, and Nick relaxed and bought her another drink. She worked in fashion merchandising and told him a hilarious story about trying out for America’s Next Top Model and how she’d tripped in one of the pre-casting rounds while trying to do a runway walk in six-inch heels.
The longer they were there, the night turned less PG, and Harry and Rems were in full pick-up mode, making out with Jade’s friends and being handsy enough that there was no doubt they’d be going home with them. Nick wished he could do that, too – not with girls, obviously, but he wished he could pick up a guy and take him home for some no-strings-attached sex. There had to be guys who wanted to sleep with pro-athletes just like there were girls who wanted to do that (Nick’s sister-in-law would blister his ears if he used the phrase puck bunny), but Nick couldn’t just buy them a drink and climb on their laps, could he?
Even if you could do that, you wouldn’t. Nick wasn’t a virgin, and he’d used the hockey player thing a few times for a hook-up or two on Grindr, but he’d been too paranoid to try it here in Philly. Not that he was so famous that he might be recognized, but what if it happened?
What if, what if, what if?
By the time they were all ready to leave the bar, Jade’s friends were heading home with Harry and Rems. Jade was trying to work her Uber app while one of her friends had a conversation with her conducted in the loudest whispers Nick had ever heard. She seemed to be trying to get Jade to go home with Nick. Nick wished he could explain why that wasn’t going to end up being anything but awkward, but instead he stood there and pretended like he didn’t hear a word they were saying.
“Milesy here is shy,” Harry announced, slinging an arm around Nick as he waited for a cab. “Milesy, don’t be shy. Girls might like you. It could happen. I mean, they like me.”
“It’s the
beard,” Nick said, a little drunk and not as careful watching his words as he should be.
Harry just laughed, and he and Jade’s friend walked off arm-and-arm. Rems and the other young lady, she of the loud whispers, were making out waiting for a cab.
Jade sighed. “I told them I wasn’t going home with anyone.” She was a little unsteady on her feet, and Nick remembered her story about tripping and noticed she had on very high, spiky heels. To him they looked like torture devices for your feet.
“They’re going to lecture me about how I’m no fun.” Suddenly, she was right there, standing close and smelling sweet like the drinks he’d bought her. “I mean, you are cute, Nick. Maybe I should just…”
Oh no. “Sleep on my couch?” He gave her a look with his eyes that he hoped she understood. I’m not going to sleep with you, but I don’t know how to tell you that without insulting you. Or coming out to you. And I don’t want to do either of those things.
She took a step back and regarded him solemnly. Then she smiled. “You have video games at your house, Mr. Hockey?”
He nodded eagerly. “Yup. And water.”
She beamed, took his arm and walked only a little unsteadily at his side as he went to hail a cab. “Awesome.”
***
SPARROW WASN’T HOME when Nick and his new friend got there, which was weird since he never seemed to go out. Nick took Jade some water, and she kicked off her shoes and picked up the PlayStation controller. They both settled in for a few rounds of the new Star Wars game, Battlefront, and Jade was endearingly awful until she got a little more sober, and then she proceeded to kick Nick’s ass.
Somewhere in the midst of their only slightly inebriated battle, Sparrow came home. He took in the sight of Nick and Jade on the couch, and a weird look flashed over his handsome features. “Oh. Sorry. Didn’t know you had company.”
She waved and said brightly, “Hi! I met Nick at a bar, and we’re playing Battlefront. I hope he’s better at hockey than he is at this game.”
Nick hadn’t really noticed until now just how close together they were sitting.
“I don’t know,” Sparrow said, his voice tight in a way that sounded angry. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play that game. He must save all his game for the ladies.”
Nick stared at him with narrowed eyes. That sounded like it was supposed to be mean, but he was tired, and this was stupid. It shouldn’t matter if Sparrow was jealous that Nick picked girls up, even if Nick wasn’t trying. He wished he was the kind of guy who could come back with something snappy or funny to clear the tension, but all he could do was watch as Sparrow climbed the stairs to his room.
The video game music was still playing in the background, and Jade was asleep on the couch before Nick finally got up and went to bed. And as tired as he was, he jerked off thinking about Sparrow before he fell asleep. He bit his lip when he came because he didn’t want Sparrow to hear him and think he was getting off with Jade. Even though he didn’t know why it mattered. He doubted Sparrow could hear him anyway.
Chapter Four
IN THE MORNING, Nick went downstairs and found Sparrow in the kitchen fixing breakfast. The smell of bacon made his mouth water, as did the sight of Sparrow in his pajama pants and a faded t-shirt.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Sparrow said, turning to give him a look over his shoulder. “Dude. Your girl was asleep on the sofa when I got up this morning. Did you fuck her and make her sleep on the couch? She took off, by the way. Said to tell you bye.”
Nick was in the midst of pouring coffee when Sparrow said that, and his heart raced. Unpleasantly. And he thought about how to answer. Tell him yes? Say no? He hated this. “I didn’t fuck her.”
“You just brought her home to play video games?” Sparrow smiled at him, and Nick’s stomach turned over like the pancakes Sparrow was flipping in the pan. “What are you, twelve?”
“No,” said Nick. “I’m gay.”
He heard himself say it, heard the silence that followed, and wondered what the fuck he was doing. His hand was shaking so hard coffee was sloshing in the mug, dangerously close to spilling. He put it on the counter and gripped the edge of it with both hands, breathing in, wondering if it was too late to take it back.
“Okay,” said Sparrow, but a heartbeat too late. As if it wasn’t really okay at all. “You want some of these pancakes?”
“Sure,” said Nick, even though he didn’t.
Sparrow sat across the small table from him to eat breakfast, but he didn’t meet Nick’s eyes. Not even once.
***
ON THE ICE, things were easy. Nick knew the rules, knew the plays, and knew the expectations placed upon him– even if he didn’t always meet them. That in and of itself was an expectation – that he wouldn’t always be perfect, that he would receive criticism and pointers how to do better next time. He’d been benched a time or two for failing to play to his potential, and he knew it was only for his benefit. Hockey was something he understood, despite the nuances of the rules that were many and varied.
For a long time, being gay had felt like that, too. He’d thought that boys like him weren’t supposed to play hockey, or that boys who played hockey weren’t supposed to be like him. Either way, it seemed to be a rule: no one should know he was gay. But he knew things were changing, had seen the PSAs, and knew that they were in a culture more accepting than it had ever been. But that didn’t make it easy. Nick was a defenseman, and his role was not one given to highlight reels and glory. And he liked it that way. He wasn’t sure what he was most afraid of about coming out. The repercussions or the attention?
In Buffalo, they’d said over and over that they supported an inclusive locker room. But that wasn’t necessarily what Nick was most worried about. He’d seen the furor that had surrounded Michael Sam coming out in the NFL. How this fascination with a man’s sexuality – something that had nothing whatsoever to do with his sport – became the focus of his identity. Nick had been proud as an athlete and as a gay man when Sam had come out, but he’d been saddened at the media circus that ignored the athlete part in favor of something so personal. He knew it was inevitable, being the first; but he also knew he couldn’t be the one to do it.
There were rules in place to keep the locker room safe. There were rules in place to keep the ice safe. But there were no rules to stop the flood of media attention, and the thought of bringing that down on himself, on his family and his teammates...he couldn’t do it. Not for something that had nothing to do with how he played hockey. And he was ashamed of that, because someone needed to do it. Someone needed to be first, but Nick – quiet, reserved Nick – was not the right guy.
At least, that’s what he’d always told himself. Wait for someone else to do it, and then you can speak up, too.
Nick knew he wasn’t the only gay man playing hockey. But in this case, he felt like he was playing on a team all by himself.
***
“I TOLD A teammate I was gay,” Nick told his brother, shifting the phone as he dried the dishes. They had a dishwasher but neither he nor Sparrow ever used it. Neither one of them could remember to buy detergent for it.
“Hey, really?” Jacob’s voice was warm and familiar on the other end of the phone. “That’s great, Nicky.”
“I dunno.” Nick stared out of the little kitchen window into the tiny backyard. He really did need to find his own place. He wanted to get a dog. Something he could live with that would be happy to see him. “I think he’s probably freaked out.”
Jacob made soothing noises and gave the appropriate calming reassurances, but Nick didn’t know if his brother even believed them. Nick had always thought if Jacob had been gay, he would have been strong enough to handle being the first one to come out in the NHL. Nick couldn’t even tell his parents, and he didn’t know why not. They’d probably figured it out a long time ago and were just waiting for him to say something.
“I’ll be glad to see you next month,” Jacob said, remindin
g Nick that the Foxes would be traveling to Winnipeg to play the Aces. The Aces were in the race for first place in their division and a Cup hopeful. They’d probably demolish the Foxes, but Nick had never played against his brother in the NHL and he was looking forward to it.
“I’ll be glad to kick your ass next month,” he said, laughing as his brother sputtered in his ear. “We’re good. Okay, we’re better,” he amended. “And I’ve stopped you from putting the puck in the net since I was seven, bro.”
He and his brother fell into the familiar banter, and Nick was dimly aware of the door opening. Sparrow was back, and all of Nick’s good cheer evaporated as tension took hold of him, coiling up tight.
“Gotta go,” Nick said, cutting off Jacob’s reminiscence of a game of ball hockey in which Nick had spectacularly failed (his words) stopping a game-winning shot of Jacob’s. This memory played out differently in Nick’s head, but he wasn’t in the mood anymore to belabor it.
“Hey, is it okay? I mean...no one’s giving you shit for being gay, right?” Jacob’s teasing gave way to older-brother worry.
“No.” No one’s giving me anything.
“You’d tell me if they were, though? Giving you shit?”
“Sure,” said Nick, but they both knew he wouldn’t.
Chapter Five
SPARROW WAS DRUNK.
Nick could tell the second he came home. He was sitting on the couch playing Star Wars Battlefront, and Sparrow was dressed to pick up but no one was with him. Nick had no idea how a guy as hot as Sparrow could fail to find some company. Or maybe he fucked them in the club and came home alone. Nick didn’t think so though. Sparrow would probably be a lot less scowly and a lot more mussed if he’d gotten some.
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