Katherine fell silent. She searched Catriona's face, surprised at what she found there. Reflected through the shadows, Catriona's expression seemed to show that she was undeniably hungry for the fleeting intimacy they'd shared together.
In comparison, Katherine remained indecisive about how she felt. She struggled but failed to conceal her turmoil. Only with a supreme effort was she able to break free from Catriona's hypnotic stare. "Oh my God," Katherine whispered, "please don't."
"I'm sorry. You know I'll never do anything to offend you either by words or by action."
Katherine barely held her emotions in check. "I know. It's just you ask too much."
"I ask for nothing you won't willingly give" she quietly said, stroking Katherine's arm as if to calm her. "If it means all we will ever have is friendship, then I'd settle for that rather than a lifetime without you."
"I need time to find my own way on this. I value what we have as well. Trust me when I say that was one of the main reasons I opted to live in with Susan and Me Lin. I needed the space to search myself over what happened, is happening between us, without being so close to a key object of my considerations. I wanted to be able to do this without the risk of endangering our friendship. I've no intention to stop visiting you unless you wish me to."
Before Catriona could say anything further, a shaft of light split the two. Standing in the doorway was Adele's silhouetted figure.
ADELE FELT LIKE an intruder, for she'd obviously walked in on something. If the proximity of the two wasn't an indication, the look on Catriona's face at her arrival was enough to seal it. Despite her best efforts, Catriona couldn't hide the shadow of guilt which flitted across her face. Keeping her emotions in check, Adele adopted a conversational tone. "I'm glad I found you both. Unfortunately, the wine has given Me Lin a headache, and Susan is keen to get her home."
BOTH WOMEN ROSE and made their way to the door. Katherine silently passed Adele, and out of the side of her eye caught the quizzical look Adele gave Catriona who, in turn, was doing her best to avoid Adele's gaze. Once goodbyes were exchanged Katherine, Susan, and Me Lin climbed into the buggy for their homeward journey. Try as she might, Katherine couldn't help but take one last look back to the house as they made their way down the driveway. Cast in the light of the doorway were Catriona and Adele. Just before the light gave way, Katherine saw Adele's arm possessively clasp Catriona's waist as they went inside.
Shocked, Katherine turned around, realising her disquiet was not a by-product of the intimate scene she'd witnessed. What disturbed her was the bolt of irrational jealousy surging through her on witnessing their familiarity with each another. Settling herself back in the buggy, she spent the return journey attempting to reconcile her undeniable feelings for Catriona, and what Katherine actually wanted out of life.
Chapter Fourteen
ADELE AWOKE THE following morning, her limbs still entwined with those of a somnolent Catriona. She looked at Catriona's peaceful features, her thoughts dwelling on the passion of their lovemaking. Adele had barely managed to close the door after farewelling their guests when Catriona pressed her against the door, her demanding lips desperately seeking her own. No exposed flesh was spared Catriona's passionate ministrations as she feasted on Adele's shoulders and half-clad breasts. The trail of discarded clothes from the front door to the bedroom bore testimony to their urgency. Despite immeasurably enjoying Catriona's desperate onslaught, Adele couldn't help but feel that Catriona's attentions were aimed toward someone else.
She cast her mind back to her intrusion in the dining room the previous evening. Even in the room's ambient light, it was plain to see that the friendship between Catriona and Katherine went beyond platonic, but how much more she wasn't quite sure. She'd been extremely conscious of Katherine's eyes on her during the dinner, as well as Katherine's interaction with Catriona. And, from the look of guilt on Catriona's face when she'd entered the dining room, Adele knew she hadn't been privy to the whole truth.
Catriona slowly began her ascent from sleep.
"Good morning, sleepy head. I didn't think you were ever going to wake up."
Catriona gracefully stretched her limbs and enclosed Adele in her arms. "It was a long night, don't you think?"
Lying in Catriona's arms, Adele knew this was where she wanted to be. But did Catriona want her?
Or was she merely a substitute? She gently extricated herself from the comfortable embrace and looked into Catriona's relaxed eyes. "I know I've asked you this, but I feel I need to do so again. Was there ever anything between you and Katherine?"
Catriona looked down at the space between them. "Nothing which was reciprocated."
Adele wanly smiled at Catriona's averted features. Reaching between them, she tilted Catriona's face up to her own. "I've been a governess all my life, and you were always one of my most intelligent students. Your capacity to use words to suit your own purposes is just as refined as I remember it to be. But a lie by omission is still a lie. Why don't you tell me what actually happened between the two of you?"
Adele's words held no malice, merely a need to know the truth. Releasing herself from Adele, Catriona relayed the events of Katherine's arrival up to what had occurred around the time of Alexander's death and until the present day. Adele sensed Catriona felt better for being able to unburden the emotional weight she'd carried since shortly after Katherine's arrival.
"Now you know it all. For all that's happened, nothing more can or will happen. Katherine's made that clear on a number of occasions now."
Adele gently stroked Catriona's face. "You know, living out here, doing what you do, gives you a maturity that's so much greater than your years. But my darling, in matters of the heart you're still a veritable babe in the woods. I've seen the two of you together, and I know what I saw in the dining room last night. Katherine may be in the grip of a great struggle, but trust me when I tell you, she does want you."
Catriona rolled away. "Why in the hell does everyone except Katherine keep telling me that? Why are you so sure?"
"You have a strange effect on people. After becoming your governess, I think I experienced a similar indecision to what Katherine's now feeling. I found myself in a daily struggle, trying to maintain a professional barrier from you, for fear of the possible ramifications of my actions." She wryly grinned. "In the end I proved to be woefully inadequate at keeping that distance.
"You might not have known it at the time, but inch by inch you broke down my defences. Your delicate touches, here and there, and your smile, with its ability to light a room. That day at the waterhole, I was so afraid I'd lost you when you almost drowned. Until you spoke, I had no idea of what your true feelings were for me.
"Times change though, and now you're in a similar situation to what I was with you. The key difference is you know how Katherine feels about you and, more importantly, how you feel about her." Adele searched Catriona's troubled blue eyes for any hint of denial.
"How can I want her when it's you I love?" Catriona challenged.
Adele gently shook Catriona's shoulder. "I know you do, and I love you beyond any measure of a doubt. But search your feelings. You love me, but you're not in love with me."
Adele placed her fingers on Catriona's lips, effectively halting her cry of protest.
"What we had, have is special. No one can take that away from either of us. No matter where I am, I'll always be there for you, if not in body then in spirit. But while I'm here you'll never have what you really want. And more to the point, Katherine won't come looking for it. It's why I need to tell you I've made up my mind to return to England."
The words once spoken couldn't be recovered and yet they hurt Adele far greater than they could have ever hurt Catriona. She'd been less than truthful with Catriona. The passion and the love she had for Catriona burned as brightly within her as it had done so many years ago. It would have been easy for her to stay. She knew that in this strong and proud woman she'd found someone she could be tru
ly happy with, but not if Catriona's true love now resided elsewhere.
Catriona closed her eyes. "Has this got something to do with my house manners?" she joked, in a transparent attempt to cover her hurt. "Why is it every woman I love decides to get up and leave me when things are going so well?"
"It's not so, and you know it. If I stayed we'd have wonderful times together. But for you, it would always mean having to settle for second best. When I left the first time I neglected to tell you one thing-- don't sacrifice your own happiness merely to suit the expectations of others. At least this time give yourself a chance to be truly happy. At the moment, that's something you can't achieve while I'm here. Don't mistake me--I'd happily stay. I fear though, after a time, you may grow to resent me for never giving you the opportunity to pursue what you truly want."
Catriona looked deeply into Adele's eyes as her own tears fell. "I don't deserve you and knowing that, I only hope for two things. I'll be eternally grateful if I get the opportunity to give Katherine half the love you've given me. And I hope the woman waiting for you in England knows how very lucky she is." She closed the distance between the two and for one final time, they tenderly made love.
BARELY A WEEK had passed since the dinner party and still Katherine found her thoughts returning to the evening. Tending the store one morning, the person who occupied her thoughts appeared.
Catriona walked through the door, took off her hat and ran her hands through her hair. She glanced around the shop as she approached the counter. "You are a woman of many talents. Not only are you a nun, teacher, and part-time healer, but you're now a storekeeper. Where's the proprietor on this fine day?"
Katherine bent down to return a jar of nails to their place below the counter. "She and Me Lin have gone on an outing. It's been a long time since they've both been able to have some time to themselves. I told them I'd look after the store if they could trust me to do so."
Katherine straightened and silently laughed at the look of astonishment on Catriona's face. Her eyes scanned the empty mercantile then returned to Catriona. "Don't tell me I've surprised the unflappable Catriona Pelham." Leaning across the counter, she gently patted Catriona's arm. "Susan told me about her and Me Lin. Surely you don't think me so self-righteous to condemn their happiness out of hand?"
"Not at all. It's just I'm amazed. I didn't expect such a reaction from you."
"I understand, from the perspective of the church, what they share can't be condoned. But as you've so rightly pointed out, sometimes things are not what they seem. Maybe I'm only now learning to fully understand that."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound like I was making fun of you." Catriona steered the conversation into smoother waters. "Did you enjoy the other night?"
"I did. And thank you for the invitation. It made a change to be in such good company. Adele is a lovely woman to talk with. Did she come with you today?" Katherine queried, busying herself with placing the lid back on a candy jar.
Catriona uneasily shifted from one foot to the other. "She did, but she's left for Sydney. Her trip out here was on an opportunity basis only. She has business dealings she must attend to in Sydney prior to returning to England."
She wandered to a far part of the store, lost in her thoughts. While their goodbyes at the stagecoach had been formal and stilted, their farewell at the homestead had been otherwise. Catriona's courage had again failed her, and she'd challenged Adele's decision to leave. Adele held her in her arms, reassuring her everything would turn out for the best. And, if it didn't, then maybe Catriona should take time out to visit her, in England.
Catriona was jolted back to the present by Katherine's proximity.
Katherine placed a hand on her shoulder. "Is everything all right?"
"I suppose so. It's just that I thought she might stay longer." Realising how her comments may have been interpreted, she hurried to add, "With the harvest occupying my day I barely have enough time to do everything. Coming home to good company and a cooked meal was a lovely way to end the day."
Katherine quickly pulled back her hand.
Again kicking herself at her thoughtlessness, Catriona continued. "At least I can look forward to your visits. Speaking of which, you've been conspicuously absent of late. When can I expect you to again grace the Pelham doorstep?"
"Most of my work for the next few days is on this side of town. On Thursday I'll need to pick up some more books from Gleneagle to take to the Connor clan. By all accounts they've about read their way through the last batch I gave them. From your home I'll head out to their farm. Then, when I'm finished, I'll come back and we can catch up on matters."
Catriona made a quick calculation. "By then I expect the harvesting will be finished and the crop under cover." She placed her hat on her head. "I look forward catching up with you."
Katherine made her way to the front of the store to open the door. "Thursday it is then. If you're not there when I come by to pick up the books, I'll leave you a note. I expect my return from the Connors will have me at your place around midday, just in time for lunch."
KATHERINE SET OUT early for the Connors, yet already the heat and humidity of the day made their presence felt. Not long after her arrival in town, Catriona had mentioned how hot the days became out here. Only now was Katherine truly beginning to understand. It wouldn't be so bad if only the days were hot. But sometimes the evenings were so terribly humid, she could barely sleep. Even Susan had commented on the heat and the ever-present clouds which, although promising rain, hadn't yet delivered it. Katherine gazed at the sky and then looked in the back of the wagon. "If you're going to rain today then I'd very much appreciate it, Lord, if you wait until I get home." Despite the continuous lectures from Catriona and Susan, she'd again forgotten a raincoat.
Arriving at Gleneagle, she was disappointed to find the house empty. Surmising Catriona was busy with the last of her harvest, Katherine didn't wait. Instead, she left a note advising her she still wished to have lunch together if she was not too busy. Remembering Catriona's predisposition to time, she made a quick mental calculation and indicated her return journey would have her at Gleneagle by twelve-thirty. She prominently placed the note in the centre of the kitchen table and set out for the Connor farm.
"ARE YOU THERE, Katherine?" Catriona called as she entered the back door to the kitchen. She looked down at the table and noticed a note. Unfolding the paper, she affectionately ran her fingers over the writing. Katherine's impeccable copperplate bore testimony to her many years of schooling. Catriona laughed out loud when she read the specifics of Katherine's return. Katherine had obviously learnt from her previous adventures and was making a light-hearted jab at her. She placed the note back down on the table and then washed her hands, finally relieved at seeing the last bale of wheat onto the bullock carts which would take it to town for overnight storage prior to its long journey to Sydney.
Catriona glanced at her fob watch and cringed when she thought of the next task she needed to complete. She had ample time to work on the farm's books until Katherine returned. Bookkeeping wasn't one of her strengths. Surprisingly, it had been Katherine who had displayed a true aptitude for the double entry bookkeeping required of a farm. Within days of her arrival, the farm's accounts had progressed from a series of debit and credit notes in the top drawer of the study to a pristine journal detailing receipts and expenditures. Catriona's shoulders slumped. Sadly she realised that Katherine's competency with the books might be yet another thing she could never again hope for. She trudged to the study and the stubs of paper awaiting her.
KATHERINE PULLED AWAY from the farewells of the Connor family and a light rain began to fall. She silently cursed herself for forgetting her raincoat, or as they were more correctly known in country Australia, her oilskin. She could only imagine what she was going to look like by the time she got to Gleneagle, not to mention what Catriona's reaction would be. She'd no doubt lecture her on why she was so hell bent on getting pneumonia, and then, d
isgusted, get towels to dry her with.
Katherine smiled. Despite Catriona's ranting and raving, she believed they both quietly enjoyed such exchanges, of which there had been so few of late. She was thankful Adele wouldn't be there to witness the tirade, for she felt the game was better played out between only them.
Driving down the track, her thoughts lingered on Adele's all too soon departure. This left Catriona again alone in a house far too big for merely one occupant. At least with the harvest she would again have the company of the other farmers. They promised her the day of Alexander's funeral that they'd help her, and they had proven true to their word.
Despite her best attempts, Katherine couldn't help but feel her heart skip a beat when Catriona had told her of Adele's departure. She sensed closeness between them, which she resented. When Adele had been there, she couldn't help but feel that her position in Catriona's life had been subordinated.
She reflected on the subtle shift in her friendship with Susan and Me Lin. Since Susan's disclosure, things had been more relaxed in the Crosier household. When she first arrived, after the evening meal Me Lin would make polite conversation and then retire. Now she sat with Susan, their hands lightly clasped when they spoke of the day's events.
Susan was an attentive listener, occasionally pausing to fetch Me Lin a cup of her treasured green tea, or to place a cushion under her feet, sore from a day's standing in front of laundry tubs. During these times, Katherine felt like a privileged spectator to their loving interaction. There was a gentleness and familiarity between them not dissimilar to what she and Catriona had shared. It was a closeness Katherine was missing and, indeed, she was missing the woman who she shared it with.
Katherine drew the wagon to a halt in the rain. What had she just thought and what did it mean? Casting her eyes around a softened landscape she sought an answer and found one coming from a quiet place deep within. I want what Susan and Me Lin have. I know I do. And what's more, I want the same sort of intense, comforting, and loving connection with Catriona that I currently witness every night between Me Lin and Susan. I can run from the truth, but it will still follow me. Isn't it about time I stopped running and turned around?
And Those Who Trespass Against Us Page 23