“Detention after school, Mr. Brenner.”
He handed John an orange slip of paper that screamed delinquent to the rest of the teaching staff. John took the piece of paper, shamefully lowering his head.
As Mr. George walked away, I desperately wondered why JJ was not getting a detention slip too. He threw the gum in the first place! John was only sticking up for me and once again JJ skates by.
I tried to look at John through my weary eyes, but failed to get any kind of response. He kept
his eyes focused on his desk, but I could tell he was fuming.
The bell sounded loudly, startling me. I began to gather my things slowly, feeling my stomach lurch with every movement. I turned to see John already storming out the door without me. Guilt
started to rise deep in my gut along with the sickness that was close to overpowering my senses.
A hard shove invaded both emotions as JJ's hand plummeted into my back, sending my papers reeling to the floor.
JJ leaned over as I tried to scavenge the disarray of history notes and English papers.
“One of these days, Carter, Big John's not going to be around to save your ass. And when that day comes, you're in for it,” he whispered menacingly as I stared at the floor.
I was silent. I had no witty comeback, or even an argument against his comment. He was right. I hated to think of it, but it was true. As school got progressively harder, we were not going to be in the same classes anymore. I would be alone. And I would be fair game.
50
Joanna rolled her eyes in aggravated annoyance. She let out a tremendous huff that was clearly not made loud enough for JJ to get the hint, as he kept going.
“You and me, Babe. Two against the world. Come on, what do you say? We were made for each other,” he smoothed back his hair with his most debonair gesture, winking and puckering his lips in her direction.
A look of utter revolt swept across her face, her jaw dropping in disgust at his crude forwardness. She quietly gagged and heaved in disdain, again, hoping he would get the drift.
JJ sat back James Dean style in his seat with egotistical satisfaction. I empathized with her nauseous displeasure at his advances. JJ was such an arrogant jerk. I laughed slightly enjoying his current failure, even if he was unaware of it.
Joanna gained her composure, took a deep breath and turned to JJ's slouched figure.
“Dear, Sweet JJ,” she began with a forced smile, “although I'm sure you are just the highlight of some other bimbos lives, you are not, nor will you ever be mine. I suggest you take your weak ass swagger somewhere else. I hear the girls you usually date are willing to accept credit cards these days. Maybe Daddy can buy you a new girlfriend. Although, it might cost you extra to include that big ego of yours.”
JJ pursed his lips in agitation. I could feel the heat of rejection and anger penetrate the entire room. His jaw clenched tight, and he bawled his fist defensively. JJ walked heavily toward her desk, leaned down and gripped the edges, squeezing so hard I thought the pressed wood may crack under the pressure. He stared her down with intense fury, daring her to say another word. His body hovering close to hers in chilling intimidation. His hand slowly letting go of the desk and rising toward the now pink of her cheek.
I feared his “to the moon, Alice” attitude and prayed the teacher would return soon. I kept telling myself that there was no way he'd actually hit her, but the deep resentment in his eyes told me otherwise as he drew closer.
Joanna would not back down, keeping her bold disposition she held his angered gaze with her own fearless glare. She kept her shoulders squared, no sign of relenting. The two were locked in a cold war for several tense moments. JJ was the first to crack, much to my relief.
“Ah, Jo Jo, you'll come around,” he said assuredly, his cocky smile returning full force, his hand lowering. He winked confidently at Joanna's cool composure before taking a seat in the front of the room just seconds before the teacher reemerged.
I let out a quiet sigh, thankful JJ didn't cause more of a scene than he already had. That look in his eye chilled me to the bone. Such vicious contempt. I wondered in that moment exactly what JJ was capable of. In spite of our knock-down-drag-out history together was I underestimating the extent of his violence?
I peered over to Joanna, who sat shaking in the corner, softly hugging herself secretly under the concealment of her desk, and realized I was not the only one contemplating JJ's true nature.
51
I feel so shamefully guilty.
Not so much guilt because of what I did that fateful day, but because of what I couldn't do the days before it. I couldn't protect the ones I loved from JJ and his father. Perhaps, had I known the women I loved would succumb to their arrogant greedy nature, I might have finished the job years sooner and taken big Jack along for the ride. Had I only known what they were capable of.
Warm tears well in the corners of my eyes yet again at the thoughts of my lost love. Such horrible sadness and pain she must have endured that night, completely vulnerable and alone. I truly had lost her that night, no matter how much my heart lies to me. Her soul perished in my arms the night he raped her. I hope the demons in which he now dwells with are not forgiving creatures. I long to know how his putrid rotten soul is being tortured in the depths of his vast venomous hell.
I still have a hard time accepting the reality of his cruelty to Joanna. It was all my fault, of course, and not just because I was unable to prevent his brutality. Had JJ never found out about us, he might have just left her alone. That bastard just couldn't live with the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I might be a better man than him. I just had to open my big mouth to the only person who could ever actually hurt us. He just had to take her from me. He just had to take away everything I had. Everything. And for what? Just to spite me, and prove he will always have the upper hand, the superior seed.
I'll never forget the smug expression on his thick face when I strolled quietly into the cafeteria that day. It was so boldly confident. So convinced that he had won the battle for good, the blatant fingernail abrasions radiating down his neck mixed with the purple bruise on his cheek worn proudly as triumphant spoils of war. I wanted to rip the filthy flesh right off his disgusting self-satisfied grin. It sure does make me smile to relive that smugness be torn off his cocky face.
Oh yes, Jacky boy, that moment gives me great pleasure. I hope your demons are doing to you exactly what you did to her.
52
My heart broke at the sight of the weary exhausted woman who sat before me at the kitchen table. Her soul was slowly giving up hope that love would ever enter her life. She's kissed a good deal of frogs and no prince has surfaced yet. At least, none that she wanted anyway.
Why, Mom? Why are you so set on all or nothing? Is he really worth it?
From what little information I'd gathered he sure wasn't.
Why couldn't she be happy with Joe Somebody? Joe Anybody! Sixteen years of living with a broken heart can take a lot out of a person, no matter how strong they are. I guess it's a good thing she's tough. At least she hides the pain well from everyone. Everyone but me. There is little that my mother actually can hide from me these days, despite her best efforts.
Which reminds me.
“Some Sarah called the other day. Who's Sarah?”
53
Do you forgive me, Mother? How about you, John? Jo? I wonder if anyone does. I seem to be having an unusually hard time forgiving myself these days. Why is that?
I have so few happy memories left to keep me going. Perhaps it is just the constant parade of somber moments that have put me in such a melancholic state. Self loathing truly has become my forte.
I wonder what is happening to that once assured confident person who felt justified by an eye for an eye act of seeming morality. When once, I was so convinced that I was right, now has me constantly brooding over my vindication. Instead of a mixture of guilt and justification, I only feel shame and regret.
I am no protector.
I am no angel.
Just a monstrous demon. God, they were right about me! I'm so sorry, Mother!
I'm sorry Jo...
I failed you.
I failed myself. I stooped to his level and now everything in my world suffered the consequences. I hate JJ with every inch of my being, but I am beginning to hate myself even more. Wow, even Here he's winning.
Why did I let my anger toward JJ and his goons fan the flames? Why did I keep dwelling on my hatred? Why did I let it consume me?
Had I not swam in the depths of my wallowing, would everyone still be alive? Would Joanna have been able to move on? Would she have kept going just for me? Would John and I have become friends again?
I hate to admit my defeat, but I let JJ become the better man by taking his life. He became the martyr. And me? Instead of climbing to higher ground, I fell as far as my soul could possibly go.
I let him win.
54
“Damn it, Harvey, don't argue with me! This is what I want! Please!”
I shook my head roughly, trying to throw out the inconceivable words that now invaded my thoughts. How could she?
“No!”
Slender hands reached up quickly, shoving me hard in the stomach.
“How about now, huh? Because I can keep it up! I can't be left here, Harvey! You can't do this to me!” thick tears streamed down uncontrollably, mixing with the previous bout of dried salty pain.
She can't be serious. This isn't happening.
She drew her hand back and slapped me hard across my cheek, the sting of her pain boring into my soul as small red finger marks developed against my pale skin.
She grabbed the hot metallic gun in one quick movement, pressing it hard to her temple. The shock of her abrasiveness rocked my core and froze my bravery. I feared my fingers would slip somehow and it would all be for nothing.
Why is she doing this?!
“Jo, don't do this. This is not supposed to happen!”
“Neither is what you are planning,” she accused coldly, “Do you honestly expect me to stand by and watch you do this? Do you expect me to keep living after that? Because I won't! I can't! You know that. You've always said you'd do anything for me, Harvey. I'm asking you to please take me with you. Please don't leave me here.”
I knew what I was going to do would hurt her, but hoped she would understand and forgive, not
want to join me. I began to worry about the consequences of what my absence would do to her.
She wouldn't...would she?
My hands trembled uncontrollably as the barrel of the gun slowly left a circular imprint against
her fair skin.
What the hell am I going to do?
As I saw it right now, there were two clear choices.
One, I change the plan and face my punishment knowing she would be considered an accessory.
Or two, I take her with me.
*
Sharp stabs of remorse pierce my broken heart. I can't believe I let her talk me into it.
55
My cocktail of orange juice and mint chocolate ice cream did nothing to console the deep sadness that reiterated over and over again in my mind. Truth was often a hard pill to swallow, and this one was choking me. I wanted this cruel joke to end. No more punchlines.
It just can't possibly be, I muttered to myself.
The crumpled phone records on the table pulsed haughtily back at me. Laughing at the blatant proof that lay before my eyes. How did I not see it before?
Well, Sarah Douglas, I wonder if you know my mother calls your husband in the wee hours of the night. I wonder if you know he calls her just as much.
The long list of back and forth phone calls extended the entire paper. I wondered if every month looked like this or if it was a recent development. I knew my mother was going to be furious once she found out I had opened her mail, but, I had to be sure. I had to know. Why the hell did I have to know? I should have just left it alone.
56
I shook my head in disbelief.
How could he have known this entire time? He knew?! He knew and still treated me like trash. Hell, he probably treated me like shit because he knew.
JJ's unsurprised expression still holding firm against my shock and awe grimace. I was so sure this would change things. I should have known better with JJ. Anything that had to do with me, he blatantly would spit on without any inkling of regret. The crushing reality that he hated me all these years because of the truth hurt more than I ever thought it could.
I almost chuckled to myself slightly.
Anyone but him. It could have been anyone but him. Why him?
“Harvey, you're a piece of shit. I don't know what you thought was going to happen, but you're wrong no matter what it is. I hate you. I hate your whore of a mother. So does my father.”
I pushed back the urge to cry, not giving him the satisfaction of knowing he caused me more agony. I desperately wanted to have some kind of upper hand. There had to be something that could hurt this asshole!
I raised my head confidently, a blissful smile creeping up in the corner of my mouth.
“Well, JJ, I don't really care what you think. Or your shitty dad. All I know, is that Joanna thinks I'm a pretty good guy. Oh, that's right, she turned you down, didn't she? Man, that had to have hurt, being rejected like that and all. Can't say she's ever said “no” to me though,” I took in a deep exaggerated breath, “She's smells just like butterflies and lavender. So intoxicating. And I can't even begin to describe how delightful her cherry lip gloss tastes.”
Disbelief mixed with envious rage spread fast across JJ's face. An evil grin of superiority formed across my face. It felt so empowering to get the best of him that I just couldn't control my
outright pleasure of his childish jealousy. I ached to keep twisting the knife deeper and deeper into his envy, but pulled back, hearing Joanna's apprehensive voice telling me to let it go. I was so thankful for her reasoning. That assuring voice had talked me out of a lot of idiotic decisions.
I gave JJ another quick arrogant glance before walking away, almost skipping as I went. I decided against looking back. I had already gained enough joy from his jealously. What started out as a shit sandwich of disappointment had turned into quite the delicious feast of revenge. I was so proud of myself for finally having something that asshole would never possess.
57
It's strange how I cease to be sad for my increasing lack of human emotions within my hellish prison. I am beginning to numb to the never-ending anguish that feeds on my soul. Loneliness is even becoming such a constant that I no longer dwell on its pain. Am I losing what minute amount of humanity that I had left? Am I becoming what they all feared I would be? Do I even care?
58
Joanna woke up red eyed and disheveled in my tired arms. Her bloodshot eyes still caked with smudged eye liner and tears. I swallowed hard as I gazed into her lost soul, knowing what I was about to tell her could either break the rest of her spirit or put it back together.
“Jo, I have to do something about this. I...I,” I hesitated heavily, both afraid and relieved at my next statement, “I'm going to kill JJ.”
I threw it out there. All my cards were laid out on the table. Go big, or go home.
Joanna stared back at me blankly, and I wondered if she had even comprehended gravity of what I had just said. She didn't say a word, didn't move, she didn't even blink.
I let her ponder a while, and just as I opened my mouth to explain my reasoning, she spoke.
“I'll help you.”
“That's not going to happen...”
“I'll help you.”
“Jo, I'm doing this and I'm doing it alone.”
“I said, I'll help you!”
“Jo..”
“You can't argue with me because you know I'm right. I'm going to help you.”
I hated it when she was right.
59
It always comes to this. That one final moment before all is lost. Why can't I just skip this part? Why can't I just skip all of it? I want to go back to my happy memories. What few I have left. But, They are already stripping those from the caverns of my heart, leaving only agony and angst.
My humanity is all but a cruel joke now. I feel next to nothing. My heart hides from the pain of tortured reality. My soul recoils at every thought of those I once considered my world.
They are taking everything from me.
Everything but the pain.
*
My hands were sweating heavily as I feared the gun would slip from my grip. Her once kind and innocent eyes glared back at me with intense pleading and suffering. She pressed herself harder against the gun, it's searing end now burning her flesh. Cringes of pain escaped her stone-like posture.
I lowered my head in absolute shame. I almost vomited as the reality of what I was about to do rocked my very core, crushing all hope I ever clung to for my future, or hers.
She stepped back from the gun, the red blistered circle pulsating brightly in front of me. Her soft hand reached up and touched my rough dewy cheek.
“Harvey, I love you. Even after what happened, that will never change. But because of what happened, I can't live without you. One way or another, I'm going to lose you forever because of what we just did. I can't live knowing I'll never see you again. You have to take me with you, Harvey. Please, it's the only way to stay together,” diamond like tears fell in shiny spheres down her cheeks as she spoke her peace.
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