by Marci Fawn
I thought there’d been dead silence, at least.
Clearly, I was wrong.
I want to break his douche face in. Prove a point. Defend Faith.
Instead, I clutch my fists at my side and breathe deeply. I have to be the better man. I have to leave, right the fuck now, before I do something I’ll regret.
I back away from them and stop for a second. I have to think.
Faith has to know. But there’s no way she will believe me over Jason.
So I take out my phone, snap a picture of them, and stick my phone back in the pocket it came from.
Then I go searching.
Eventually, I find Sabrina, standing with her hair up in rows as she pins flowers to them.
Time to break the ice.
“Sabrina,” I say darkly. “I have to talk to you. I just…”
And it is then that I see her. Faith’s daughter.
She’s standing behind Sabrina, peeking around her hip. She’s so cute, with an upturned nose and freckles all over her cheeks just like Faith.
Sabrina finally notices me and crosses her arms protectively in front of her body, shielding the little girl from my eyes. “What the hell, River?” she says. “You’re supposed to be with Faith by now. You’re late!”
“Wait,” I beg her, raising my hands in defense. I open my palms, closing them and opening them against so she can see I’m not here to fight. I’m a boxer, but this stance is different. I would never hit a girl – especially not Faith’s friend.
I need to get it out now.
“Don’t you dare say a word,” Sabrina ushers Dawn slightly behind and to the side of her, keeping her hidden in her poofy skirts. I can still see her, so I raise an eyebrow to ask her what she thinks that’s supposed to do. She just narrows her eyes at me, and it’s hard to keep from laughing.
But this is serious. I put my hands down from my face just in time to see Sabrina pick up some sort of practice bouquet with flowers I can’t recognize.
“Jason’s cheating on her,” I try to be casual about it but I’m so desperate, I just blurt it out. I’m already taking my phone out of my pocket before she can express doubt. She raises her hands then, like she’s defending herself from me now, and I stop.
“I don’t want to see,” her voice is breaking.
So she knew.
“Sabrina, I just saw them together,” I finally manage to get out. “They’re in the fucking closet, making out minutes before your goddamn rehersal dinner.”
“Shut up,” Sabrina hisses at me. She grabs me by my shirt and giving Dawn a comforting look. “Auntie Sabrina will be right back, okay, darling?”
Dawn nods doubtfully and my heart is screaming at me to comfort her, make her feel better. But Sabrina’s already dragged me outside, pressed me against a wall in the hallway and is shouting angry words in my face.
“Of course I knew, jackass. Why’d you think I was so desperate for you to see Faith? She needs to know, but I can’t tell her.” She sighs deeply, pushing me away and rubbing her eyes. “I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“You have to tell her,” I insist. “Wouldn’t you want to know if you fiancé was screwing some random mean girl from high school behind your back?”
“What?”
A shocked whisper comes from behind us.
Sabrina and I stare at each other, and I can only assume all the color has drained from my face as it has from hers. Slowly, so fucking slowly, I turn around to find Faith standing right in front of me.
Fuck. She heard everything.
And she looks beautiful, in a gorgeous floral dress that shows off her dainty features. Her hair’s up, and it makes me want to kiss her neck, mark it with deep red and purple marks.
“Faith, you look…” I start with a shaky voice, but she raises a hand in the air to stop me. Her fingers are trembling, and it hurts so fucking much to see her this way.
“Is it true?” she whispers.
We’re both quiet, with Sabrina breathing heavily behind me.
“Is it fucking true?” Faith repeats, her voice shaky.
Finally, Sabrina saves me, stepping in front of me. “Oh, darling,” she says, her voice breaking. And Faith whimpers, a soft, helpless sound. Sabrina reaches for her, but she’s already running off.
“Fuck,” I curse under my breath, my heart threatening to break through my chest. “Fucking hell. I’ve ruined everything again.”
Faith
Jason is unmoving.
I’ve never been the type of girl to like conflict – I actively avoid it. I only yelled at River to convince him that I had changed, to convince myself I’m not the same girl who needs him anymore – but, after giving so much to him, I expected him to at least care.
I started having my doubts about Jason when he started coming home from work later and later, saying there were scheduling issues. But he’s taken good care of me and Dawn, and, well, I need something normal so badly…
Of course.
Of course, this would happen to me. I never loved Jason, but that didn’t mean I deserve… This. Because, clearly, he didn’t love me either.
He raises his hand to try to touch my shoulder, but I jump away from him as if he’s a snake. He is poison. I tried so hard to be the most caring girlfriend – and fiancée – I could be for him, but clearly… It wasn’t enough.
“We’ll be okay, sweetheart,” he says, and I recoil again. I feel physically sick. I’m going to puke. I read about these things happening, about how it could feel like your heart decided to switch places and then just randomly dive down to your stomach, but I hadn’t expected it to happen.
No.
I hadn’t loved him, but it still hurt.
“No,” I shake my head, blinking away tears. Why am I crying? It doesn’t matter. None of it does. The ring on my hand is already coming off anyway, pushed in his face and dropped to the floor. He looks stunned. He didn’t expect this from me…
I didn’t, either. My mouth opens and it’s as if the words are coming from somewhere else, someone besides me, but they feel so right.
“The wedding is off,” I say. “Don’t talk to me, don’t call me, don’t go looking for me. Enjoy fucking Becky.”
He flinches, and I know the words sting. I hadn’t even been sure it was Becky until then. I don’t care who it is. I just want Jason out of my face. I turn on my heel, back the way I came –
To Sabrina, and to my daughter.
The people I belong with, now that I don’t have a fiancé.
For a moment, I just stand outside the door watching River and Sabrina talk in hushed tones. Dawn is sitting in the corner, playing with her Barbies, and I see River stealing glances every once in a while.
I wonder if his feelings for her would change if he knew, if he even wants to be around as her father. He asked earlier.
I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him. But now, watching them wrestle on the floor as he boops her nose… I want to.
“Knock, knock,” my hand hits the frame outside the door, my voice trying to disguise how I feel with a cheerful tone. It doesn’t work. River looks up in concern immediately, and Dawn runs to me, her hands wrapping around my legs as she buries her face in the tulle of this dress. I hate this dress.
“Mommy, where did you go?” Dawn wants to know. “Where’s Jason?”
I pick Dawn up and kiss her on the head, whispering in her hair that Sabrina has a surprise for her. My friend gives me a worried look, but I can only nod.
I’m not worried about Dawn’s safety. Sabrina’s been babysitting her for ages, and she knows what to do. I’ll explain later, but now… I need to speak to River.
The girls file out of the room with Sabrina holding Dawn’s hand. River’s gaze follows them outside and I can see the wistful look in his eyes. He’s wondering… he’ll want to know whether she’s his child. But I’ve had enough for one day. I don’t think I can handle a single surprise more.
River coughs, his hand held
in front of his mouth like a paper bag to breathe in as soon as my baby and Sabrina are gone.
“So, Faith,” he says. And his face breaks into a worried expression next. “I’m so fucking sorry, I… you shouldn’t have to find out that way. I didn’t know how to tell you…”
I push a finger against his lips, stopping him. I don’t want to touch him. It sends shivers through my body and half of them are good, but half of them are bad – I’m afraid of where this could go. But I need to be the one to talk first, or he’ll take the conversation over and dominate me…
Verbally.
“We don’t have to talk about them,” he says, but his eyes betray him, and soon, his mouth does, too. “So what happened? Are you calling off the wedding?”
I nod simply. There’s nothing else to say. As much as I want a father for my baby girl, I’m not going to marry that cheating prick Jason.
“We need to talk,” I tell River. “About Dawn.”
I watch him as I talk. He puts a hand under his chin and drops to the floor, sitting in what Dawn calls “criss cross applesauce” style. I still don’t know the proper name for it. Well, I do. Just not off the top of my head right now.
Ugh.
I can’t do this…
I continue talking. Slowly, but I still manage to do it. “I’m cancelling everything.” My hands bury themselves in the fabric at my sides, pulling it for River to see. “Guess this is just decoration now.”
“I’d argue that the model wearing it is better, actually,” he says. I think he meant that as comfort, but by the way he’s looking at me… He must be serious.
I sigh, dropping to the floor in front of him. I arrange my legs beneath me, holding my head in my hands. “I never… I never wanted Jason, you know? I just wanted a father for Dawn.”
He grabs both sides of my face, forcing me to look up at him. “You went on a date with him once. You went back to him.” They’re both statements, not questions. He’s not accusing me, just stating facts.
“I know,” I shake my head for the thousandth time this night, but only now it’s at myself. “I just…”
I trail off, trying to drop my head again. His grip tightens, his thumb running over my mouth. I grimace at him, but he doesn’t stop.
“Faith,” he begins, his tone careful. “Is she mine?”
I don’t respond.
“Dawn,” he clarifies. Like he thinks I don’t know.
I close my eyes. I can’t bow my head, but that doesn’t mean I need to look at him. He waits for an answer, but it just never comes. I can’t say the words. Isn’t it goddamn obvious enough?
“Faith, Faith… Faith,” he says my name over and over, his thumb moving from my lips to my eyelids, begging for me to open them. I do.
His eyes are so sad. He looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Of all the things I’d expected from him, I’d never expected this. He wasn’t a shell of who he was before. He was the same boy he’d always been, just hidden away under a tough exterior.
“Please. Give me a chance. Let me make this right. I want to tell you everything… About our last night together,” he says with a pinched voice. “It was fucking perfect. So damn perfect. I knew I would be leaving…”
I pull away from him right away, giving him an accusatory look.
So he knew.
He knew he’d walk out of my life the very next day.
Yet he still kissed me.
Touched me.
He fucked me, for god’s sake!
I can’t talk.
I have to.
His hands are still roaming my face, stroking my cheeks and the bones there before dashing across skin, back to holding each side as if he’s still forcing me to look at him.
I gulp. There’s something rising in my chest… Anger. He shouldn’t be doing this. Acting like a broken man when he was the one who left me alone, when I was the one who just found out she was being cheated on and had to call off an engagement two days before she was married!
I can’t yell at him, though.
“We paid for the honeymoon in advance,” I keep my voice still. “I’m taking care of things, keeping it for myself. I’m going to go to Greece with Sabrina and…”
I can’t say “our baby.” I force myself through the sentence. “…Dawn. I’m leaving, River.”
I need him to know that we’re not going to be together.
Instead, he takes my face and brings me closer to him, our lips so close to each other and so agonizingly bittersweet.
He kisses me.
I shove myself against his shoulders. He’s stronger than me, so much stronger, but he doesn’t expect it. He falls, barely catching himself, begging me to wait as I stand and push myself out to the garden where I left my little girl.
He’s saying every sweet nothing under the sun and I’m running, running, running.
I can’t care. I can’t care for River Xavier ever again.
River
She is the queen of mixed signals. For a second there, I thought she still loved me.
She must.
She has to.
Even if she doesn’t…
Fuck. I’m a father. I just know I am, even though she wouldn’t come out and say it.
“You knew about him cheating,” my voice comes out colder than I’d expected it to.
Sabrina was the one to tell me everything, to lead me to the dress rehearsal in the first place, so I could find Faith. I wonder if she knew about Jason, but didn’t want to be the one to say it. I don’t ask.
We’re standing in Faith’s apartment, except this time I’m a lot less drunk and I’m making different mistakes. I shouldn’t have kissed Faith, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And as hard as I’m trying, I can’t make myself regret it.
Fuck it.
“I did,” she raises an eyebrow at me, imitating the motion I’d greeted her with when she opened her door to me. They are roommates. It gives me hope… Faith still wanted to be independent, even with being engaged to Jason. She’s such a strong woman.
“And,” Sabrina waves around the room, “I knew you’d be here.”
She smiles loosely, unable to keep her lips as tight as she’d tried to when she opened the door. With a content sigh, she plops herself down on the couch I’d woken up on just a few nights ago. How fucking different everything was. I hadn’t been in a fight in ages, and as much as I long for the ring, I am so tired. My phone beeps, and Sabrina glances in its direction, looking at me.
I just shrug. Running off and chasing after true love hadn’t been in the plan, and my coach – and some groupies probably – are blowing up my phone wondering where the fuck I am.
Giving Sabrina another shrug, I reach for my phone, turn the damn thing off, and then just throw it to the floor.
Hopefully, it doesn’t break.
That is my third one so far, and that is this year.
“Nice,” she drags the words out, throwing her arms out on either side of her as I join her on the couch. “So, Mister Mystery, what brings you here?”
“I’m not letting go this time,” I say determinedly. “She tried to push me away. I ain’t letting her.”
Sabrina laughs.
It isn’t fucking funny at all. I am pissed at Sabrina, even though I know I shouldn’t be.
“How do you feel?” she wants to know next.
“Shitty.” It’s the truth.
“There are drinks in the fridge if it’ll make you feel better,” she adds.
“It won’t,” I’m being short with her, and she’s getting pissed, too. Great. “Faith mentioned you guys are leaving the country.”
“And you’re going to beg me to let you come with.” Not a question. She isn’t far off of my thought process, though. We never talked much and here this girl knows me too well. Except…
“I don’t beg,” I raise an eyebrow at her, mocking her imitation earlier; my arch higher than hers could ever hope to be. She laughs – not the reaction
I expect. Or want.
“Well, luckily for you,” she pushes her body off the couch mid-sentence, the motion seemingly effortless. I watch as she goes searching for a bag on the other side of the room. I only know she’s doing that when she emerges carrying a huge tote on wheels, her face triumphant. “I thought ahead.”
She wheels the suitcase to the center of the room and continues talking. “Faith is already there. She picked up Dawn from day care and went right to the airport after work.”
“The flight takes off in two hours. And we’re,” she checks her phone absent-mindedly. “Leaving now.”
“I don’t have a ticket.”
Like that would stop me.
“Actually,” she flips through her phone again, revealing it to me to show me an airline site. “There were some last-minute passengers canceling their flights. And a certain boxer who needs a ride...”
I laugh, thanking her, telling her I didn’t expect her to do anything for me.
“Neither did I. In fact, you owe me. Around $1,800, specifically,” she says, hefting her bag. “And you’re going to carry this. Let’s go.”
I’m too stunned to object. I just take her bag as she leads me outside and we sit inside a cab. The airport it is…
To go to my Faith.
And sweet baby girl Dawn.
Being in airports so many times doesn’t mean you get used to how fucking annoying the lines can be, especially when you’re looking for someone. ID? Check. Any metal on you? Nope. Blah, blah, blah. None of the heads in these rows around me belong to Faith. I would recognize the slope of her hair and her frame anywhere, and none of these people…
Fuck.
They need to move.
“Calm down,” Sabrina is right next to me, poking me with her finger. I guess I’m visibly angry. I don’t give a fuck. “She got here a little before us. She’ll just be on the other side.”
The airport is large and divides in two: pre-check in and safety shit, post-check in and waiting to get on your flight. Sabrina drags me with her, and I don’t object. She’s the best friend with the plan.