“He did! I was smart enough to set my alarm on my phone instead so I didn’t oversleep!”
She laughed and her eyes lit up when she said, “I think I felt him around me today. When I was making the brownies the timer turned itself off twice. I think he knew I would need him today. It was a long day without you guys.”
“You didn’t feel like going to Yoga?” I asked.
“No, I haven’t since…it’s funny, the only time I leave the house is to go to the grocery store. I know I need to. I just walked next door to see Linda and you should have seen her face! She looked so surprised. I need to get my life back so Garrett isn’t worried. We all do.”
She looked pointedly at the two of us.
“We’re trying mom. I played my new song for Rainey. Do you want to hear it?”
“Sure, I’d love to, what’s it called?” She asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.
Max looked at me and answered her as he began to pick out the notes. “It’s called The Saddest Song.”
Max
School has a way of creating a pattern that is easy to follow without expending an abundance of emotion or energy. I welcomed the routine. Living without Garrett was like learning a new language, difficult and foreign. The friends I had shared with my brother were too careful not to mention his name, when I actually might have liked remembering the good old days. Memories of Garrett never left me anyway, might as well share some of them. But no, the subject never came up. They all stuck to neutral topics when I was present. I got it. I made the guys a little uncomfortable. The girls were even worse. They felt sorry for me. They wanted to make it all better. To be honest, they just threw themselves at me. Once I would have welcomed that, but right now I had lost all interest.
My relationship with Rainey became my primary focus. Only with her could I be myself and if we were both careful around each other it was only to protect one another. We didn’t want to send the other into a tailspin. Whatever we were, it worked for both of us. She was my brother’s biggest joy, his first and his last love. How much of him remained on this earth remained in her. When people dropped innuendos about the two of us, I would ignore them. Surviving Garrett was a full time job and she was my co-worker. I didn’t care if they didn’t understand. Making them happy wasn’t my goal. Keeping Rainey and myself alive was my goal, and being a son to be proud of was now my biggest burden. I had to be all things for my parents and make up for the huge, gaping hole in our lives.
When Rainey smiled, I smiled. When mom told us she went over to visit her friend next door I felt that I had won another round. Dad seemed to be bouncing back quickest but I knew a lot of that was because he felt it was his role to be the strong, protective provider. He took it seriously and I knew it was keeping him going. Still, I watched him for cracks. I spent a lot of my time watching. The happy go lucky kid I had been was buried next to my brother.
Chapter 8
Rainey
The days have a way of passing, and so they passed, some worse than others, and I persevered through them one after another. I tried not to look backwards and there seemed nothing to look forward to, so I existed in the here and now. The stares of my fellow students slowly tapered off, the rumors about Max and I never quite taking hold. Anyone who had known Garrett and I were simply not buying it. They had eyes and they could see the shell of the girl they had known.
The Rainey Martin they remembered smiled as she held hands with Garrett, this Rainey held tightly to her sanity with both hands, although they probably weren’t sure that I wouldn’t give in and let go. So, when it came to the twin, how could any of them begrudge me the comfort of Max?
And what about Max? He too, was a shell of his former self. Half of a perfect set. Missing his match. I was missing mine too. Surely everyone could see that it was as natural as breathing for us to try and fill the void with each other.
This must have been the reason that I began to fear something happening to Max. I had nightmares where he died too, and came to me as a ghost telling me to get over it, he needed to be with his twin. I bonded more closely with Mrs. McKinley as I shared her anxiety over the safety and health of her only remaining child. I waited to eat while I was with him so that he would eat too. I told him I was frightened by fast driving because of the accident so he would drive slower and with more caution. I avoided calling him late at night when my loneliness was at its height so that he could get the sleep I knew he needed.
My clock hadn’t turned off in a couple of weeks and there had been no more messages by either candy or text. I began to count the time since Garrett died in months, not days. Two months that felt like two years. The memories of the last time I had seen him felt less crisp, more fragmented in my memory. So many moments that I would have memorized had I only knew they were our last.
If he were here now he would be in the midst of his beloved football season. The joy he felt when the team made it to CIF last year was immeasurable so I secretly rejoiced this season whenever I heard that the team had lost a game. I didn’t want them to win and have Garrett miss out on another championship.
My selfishness was immature, and I knew Garrett would never want the team to lose whether he was there playing for them or not. I couldn’t even watch the team play. I wished they would just forfeit the whole season in his honor. Instead they wore his name on wristbands and had a moment of silence for him at the first home game. I sat with Max and his parents and when I closed my eyes I pictured Garrett last year, pulling off his helmet at the end of every game, smiling at me up in the bleachers, win or lose. I’d meet him, my voice hoarse from cheering, his hair wet from the shower, outside the gym and we’d kiss…We made it through half of the game. Max whispered in my ear and we escaped during half time. Football was no longer a part of any of our lives. As far as we were concerned, football was dead too.
It was while Max and I were driving home one Friday afternoon that he shocked me by bringing up Homecoming. Up until this point I had tried not to think about it, or look at the posters lining the school halls. When girls were talking about their dates or dresses I found an excuse to leave the class or change the subject. Even Caitlynn had not mentioned a thing about it and I had no idea if she had plans to attend.
“Rainey, what do you want to do about Homecoming this year?” Max said, his voice calm and matter of fact.
“Pretend it doesn’t exist,” I said.
“Kind of hard to do, isn’t it? That’s all anybody is talking about at school.” He glanced over at me and I shrugged.
“Well, what if you and I went? Would you like to go?” He asked, his eyes not straying from the road.
“To Homecoming? Why? Do you want to go?” I asked, surprised.
“Well, if you would like to I wouldn’t mind. It might be good to do something social. We haven’t done anything at all since the accident. I just thought you might want to feel normal again.”
“Max, if you want to take someone please don’t let me keep you from it. “ I suddenly wondered if he felt obligated to take me as a favor to his brother.
“Rainey, there is no one I want to go with. I just didn’t know if it might be something you would want to do with your friends. It is your senior year.”
“ It’s yours too,” I said. “Thanks Max, but I don’t want to go.”
“Okay, there’s a couple weeks left, if you change your mind just let me know.”
His face stared straight ahead but I couldn’t help thinking that he looked a bit disappointed. I felt bad, just not bad enough to go to Homecoming. I had three years of Homecoming pictures lined up on my shelf, there would not be a fourth, not without Garrett.
“Maybe we could go to a movie that night and grab a pizza or something,” I offered in exchange.
Max looked over at me and smiled.
“That could be nice.”
Max
I got turned down flat when I offered to take Rainey to the Homecoming dance. I tried to be as genuine as I could
when I asked. I knew that it was a huge hurdle for her, facing the first big school event without Garrett by her side. I debated asking her to go, but thought that if she wanted to I should agree to take her. Like most girls, she loved those dances. I know my brother had liked them too. I always followed his lead and asked someone to go, but I couldn’t help thinking school dances were lame. Once we got there the music always sucked and everyone was always waiting until the mandated hour where we could leave, and then on the party buses home there was always at least one drunk kid puking in the aisle. After asking I had tried to keep my expression blank when she said no, but secretly, I was relieved.
I assumed we would go out for pizza and a movie to distract ourselves on Homecoming night but a far better alternative presented itself when I went to pick up guitar strings at the music store. As soon as I walked in the door I heard a voice yell out, “Max! Where’ve you been?” Looking to my right I saw my friend Colin standing there.
“Hey Colin, what’s up?” I shook his hand and smiled. Colin was the coolest guy. He was an amazing singer and songwriter. I had learned a ton from him when we had written a couple songs together earlier in the summer.
“I was just thinking about you! You didn’t answer my texts. Are you done with song writing? Too busy or what? Cause you are really good.”
“No, I’m sorry. I uh…Actually, I lost my twin brother in an accident a couple months ago and kind of dropped out for awhile. It’s been tough.” I said it without too much pain, I had learned to talk about it finally, I guess.
“ Man, I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea. That’s awful.” Colin looked as horrified as everyone did when they heard.
“It’s cool. I’m starting to surface a bit. I’d love to start working together again if you ever want to.”
“Absolutely. That’d be great. What are you doing Saturday night? I’m opening for Mark Kerrey. I can put your name on the list if you want to go.”
“I’d love to. Can I bring someone?”
“Sure. I will put a plus one and text you with the address and time. I’m so glad I ran into you.”
“Me too. Thanks Colin. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“I’ll see you then.” We shook hands again and he left. I grabbed my strings and headed back home feeling like I was meant to run into him. Rainey would love his music and I had even given her some of Mark Kerrey’s music earlier in the summer. A former drummer in a couple of bands, Mark was just going out on his own with his music. He had amazing talent.
I thought about how I shouldn’t assume she would want to go. I would ask her as if I didn’t care if we went or not. No pressure. We could do pizza and a movie, or go to the concert, either one would be fine as long as it distracted her from thinking of the dance.
Chapter 9
Rainey
Pretending Homecoming didn’t exist was proving to be unrealistic and clearly stupid. It was now just five days away and Caitlynn had very diplomatically mentioned nothing to me about either her date or her dress. I would see her talking animatedly to friends from a distance only to see her lose the enthusiasm and speak to me in quiet tones when I approached. I must have been doing a little better because I noticed her behavior and I actually cared.
That afternoon as Caitlynn walked out to the parking lot with me and Max I wanted to laugh at their shocked expressions when I casually said, “So, Cait, did you get a dress for the dance?”
She looked at Max, her eyes widening, then answered. “Yeah, I did.”
“Well, what color? Where did you get it?”
“It’s a really pretty silver grey color with lots of sparkles. I got it at Bloomingdales. I just hope it’s not too short.”
Our school had a strict dress code for dances that made us all nervous that we might not pass it. It wasn’t an unrealistic fear, at least ten girls at every dance had to call parents to bring a different dress or they couldn’t attend. Tall girls with long legs were their most common target. Being tall I always had my backup dress hanging ready on my closet door, just in case.
“So, who are you going with?” I was so out of touch with her that I really had no idea who she was currently crushing on.
“Nick Santos. I really wanted to go with Hudson, but Nick asked first.”
“Who’s party bus, Veronica’s?”
“Yeah, everyone’s on that one.” I knew exactly who she meant by everyone. That would have been the bus that Garrett and I would have been on.
‘Well, I want to see your dress!” I said, feigning enthusiasm. I was rewarded by the sight of her shocked smile.
“You do? I can come by tonight if you want!”
“That would be great. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your shoes too.” We reached her car and said our goodbye’s and walked over to the truck, neither of us saying anything until we were driving out of the parking lot.
“That was really nice of you,” Max said, glancing over at me.
“I felt bad when I saw how she keeps walking on eggshells around me. I want her to treat me the way she used to. I don’t want to be a freak anymore.”
“You’re not a freak Rainey. We are just trying to process everything while being under a microscope. It sucks.”
“Totally. I want to be normal again. I am so tired of the stares and the pity and my own tears. I feel like the shock is gone now and I am starting to accept he is gone forever. I know that is what he wants us to do. We have to live.”
“We do, but I think High School is basically over for both of us. We will happier after we graduate.”
I nodded in agreement but hoped that he didn’t mean he was ready to move on from me too.
“Hey, remember when I wrote songs over the summer with that friend of mine, Colin?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Well, he’s opening at a show this Saturday and he invited me to go. He said he would leave my name on the list if I wanted to go and bring a friend. Want to go?”
“That sounds fun! Then I know I won’t sit and think about the dance all night.”
“Cool.” He smiled. I really had missed that smile. Music was the most important thing in his life and he hadn’t done much in the last couple months. I hoped he and I were at least getting to the place where we could enjoy ourselves and forget our grief once in a while. Not forget Garrett. There was a difference. Grief felt like carrying super heavy weights everywhere you go. This was like getting to set them down for a while. You would still carry them again, but there would be times you didn’t have to.
Later that night as I cleared the dinner dishes, the doorbell rang and I heard my mom and dad greeting Caitlynn. We all stood in the front hall together as she unveiled her Homecoming dress and we all told her how much we loved it. I did love it, and I had to push down the tiny, jealous ache that wished I could be showing her mine. I loved dances. I loved Garrett. Both were behind me now. This wasn’t my world anymore.
We retreated up to my room after Caitlynn shared all the details of her plans for Saturday. “Rainey, you seem so much better!” Her voice sounded hopeful.
“I’m over the shock and hoping that it was only a bad dream. I guess I’m just accepting it now.”
“I guess the whole process will take a long time, huh?”
“It will, but that’s okay. Garrett was my boyfriend for almost four years, Cait. Wouldn’t it be sad if I was over him dying in two months? He deserves to be remembered and I want to remember him. I love all my memories of him. I’m really afraid of them fading as time goes on. It just keeps getting longer and longer since I’ve seen him.”
“You will miss him forever, but it’s good to see that you can smile again. Garrett would like that.”
I glanced over at the M&M smile still sitting on my desk and knew she was right.
Max
I told my parents about the concert at breakfast on Saturday morning. I expected them to be thrilled that I was going out again like a normal kid. They were always watching me with worried expre
ssions on their faces and I assumed that they would be relieved to see me living again. I was feeling happier than I had felt thus far and I knew that a lot of it had to do with just accepting the reality that I would live without my brother for the rest of my life. All of us had come to terms with this fact and had made a small amount of progress. So when I told them I was shocked to see their concerned, fearful expressions.
“Are you sure you are up to it Max?” said mom.
“Up to what? It’s just a concert mom. One of my friends is opening for the main act. He invited me and I am taking Rainey.”
“Well, how late do you think you will be out?” Seriously? Garrett and I had never even had a set curfew as long as we checked in by text when we came or went from one place to the next.
“I don’t know mom. The concert begins at 8:00, so maybe midnight if we get some food after.”
“I just don’t like you to be out driving with the drunk drivers at night.”
“Mom, I will drive extra safe. I promise. I will be fine.”
“I can’t help but worry after what just happened to your brother.”
“I know mom. I will text you as soon as I get there and right when I am on my way back.”
Dad started to say something then sighed, as if he was resigned to the fact that they would just have to let me go.
“Nothing is going to happen to me you guys. Let’s be positive here. This is a good thing. Rainey and I are just going to go to a concert and have fun. We need to go on with our lives, right?”
“And we want you to. We do sweetheart. We just worry.” They looked at one another and silently communicated something. Probably preparing themselves to lose their only remaining child. I couldn’t deal with this. I turned and left the room, heading upstairs. Nobody followed me which made me happy. Then, a couple hours later mom knocked on my door and let herself in. She was carrying two shopping bags from the mall and proceeded to show me five or six new shirts.
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