by Marie Landry
“Are you trying to make me cry?” Daisy asked, pulling away and giving me a playful swat on the arm before wiping her eyes again. “You know I felt the same way, and still do. And you know, you really didn’t miss out by not having a real sister growing up. The relationship between sisters can be very special or very trying. Or both. Your mother and I fit into the ‘very trying’ category. We’re such different people. And of course, it didn’t help that there’s a seventeen-year age gap between us. As the little sister I was always left behind, which, as I grew up, I realized was for the best.
“I always knew I was different, but I also knew I’d rather be different than be anything like Tilly. She was such a snob. All she cared about was boys and make-up and clothes and being popular. None of that interested me in the slightest. Then she met your father, saw dollar signs, and they were married six months later. And we both know the rest.”
I rolled my eyes. Daisy and I had very similar feelings when it came to my mother. Even though she was my mother, I could see her for what she really was. She married my dad for money and had me out of obligation to him because he always wanted a child. I knew what Daisy meant when she said she wasn’t interested in being anything like my mother; I may not have known yet who I wanted to be, but I knew it was pretty much the opposite of Tilly Campbell-Ward.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk about Tilly like that, she is your mother after all,” Daisy said, rising to replace the brush on my dresser.
When she turned, a couple of sparkly clips in her hand, I met her eyes and smiled reassuringly. “It’s okay. I’m not blind to her faults, believe me. I’m just glad I didn’t turn out like her.”
That made Daisy laugh again, and the sound of it made my shoulders relax a bit. “You’re nothing like her. You actually kind of remind me of myself when I was your age.”
My eyes widened. “Really? You?”
“Mm-hmm. A little unsure. Lacking in self-confidence. I think I was just a little bit younger than you when I finally saw the light, so to speak—when I realized what life had to offer for someone like me.”
“Which was?”
“Everything,” she said, like it was the most obvious answer in the world. “You’ll realize that soon enough, don’t worry.”
*****
Just before seven that night, Nicholas arrived at the house to pick me up. Daisy answered the front door while I frantically checked myself in the bathroom mirror for the hundredth time, taking a minute to steady my breathing and will my heart to stop racing. I got the breathing under control, but my heart continued to pound out a staccato beat in my chest, reverberating through my pulse points.
I paused at the top of the stairs to watch Daisy and Nicholas. Their voices floated up, their words unclear, but by their tones I could tell they were having an enjoyable conversation. Daisy laughed at something Nicholas said, and the sound of it made me smile slightly. She was such a happy person, always smiling and laughing. She was so obviously at ease with who she was, and because of that she made everyone around her feel at ease too. I wondered if I could learn to be like that; if it was even something a person could learn. I didn’t see why not.
I realized it had grown silent down below, and my gaze shifted to Nicholas, who was now watching me with his head cocked to the side, a smile flirting around the edges of his mouth.
“Well, aren’t you a sight,” he said, his face splitting into a grin as I descended the stairs. I made sure to keep my head up and my eyes on his rather than my first impulse, which was to look at my feet—both out of shyness and a worry that my shaky knees would send me tumbling down the steps. Nicholas walked to the foot of the stairs and took my hand, reminding me of a scene from Titanic, a movie my mother watched incessantly, and probably one of the only films I could honestly say I’d seen in the last few years.
“You look great,” Nicholas said, his bright blue eyes sweeping over me before meeting my brown ones. After scattering the paltry contents of my closet on the bed and discovering that I hated every boring piece of clothing I owned, Daisy raided her closet and chose an outfit for me. The skirt was a shimmering swirl of pastel colours that hit just below the knee, accompanied by a sleeveless white top, and strappy, low-heeled sandals.
“Thanks, so do you,” I said, remembering what Daisy had told me about accepting compliments. She’d noticed I had a tendency to wave them away or get embarrassed, but it was only because I wasn’t used to receiving them. Growing up with Tilly Campbell-Ward as your mother meant more digs and criticisms than compliments, and although I often received accolades from teachers, it was different when the compliments were about your appearance rather than your work ethic or intelligence.
“Well, you kids have a good time,” Daisy said, handing me a lightweight white cardigan. “Nights can get cool around here with the breeze off the river,” she explained. She opened the front door, leaned in to press a kiss on my cheek, then whispered, “You look beautiful. Remember to relax and have fun.”
Eyeing Nicholas’s black pick-up truck, I felt a stab of worry about climbing into the high seat in my skirt. I wasn’t the most graceful person in the world, and I wasn’t used to wearing anything but pants. When we reached the truck, Nicholas opened the passenger door and took my arm, giving me a little boost up into the seat. I let out a relieved breath after he’d closed the door, and as he went around to get in his side of the truck, I couldn’t help thinking this was starting out like a real date—at least the dates I had seen in old TV shows and movies. I didn’t think it was too common these days for the guy to come to the front door or hold doors open for girls. But then Nicholas had told me himself during our first encounter that he was different from everybody else. Thinking about it made the corners of my mouth tug upward.
“Look at that little grin,” Nicholas said, a smile of his own blossoming across his face, making his eyes crinkle in a way that made my breath catch. “Anything specific you want to see or do tonight?” he asked as he started the truck and backed out of Daisy’s driveway.
“I’m up for anything,” I said. I was surprised to realize my words were true. I kept reminding myself that Nicholas didn’t know me, which meant I could be anyone I wanted to be.
“Now that’s what I like to hear,” he said with a wink.
*****
It was just after ten o’clock when Nicholas and I left the Old Classic, one of the movie theatres I’d seen on my way into Riverview. The streets were lit with old-fashioned lamps, the warm glow casting pools of light over the people milling around, laughing and talking.
It had been a wonderful night so far; Nicholas had escorted me on a fascinating personal tour of Main Street before taking me to see Casablanca at the theatre. When I told him I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to the movies and that I’d never seen the black-and-white classic, instead of judging me as most people did, he said I had to have the Riverview classic movie treatment—popcorn, my choice of candy, and the Old Classic’s special malt milkshake.
Now, as we sauntered down the street toward Rockin’ Ricky’s Diner, Nicholas took my hand while sliding me a sidelong glance from under his long lashes. “You’re having fun,” he said with a smile. It was more a statement than a question, and it made me break into a wide grin.
“I am,” I said. “A lot of fun.” I think it would be impossible to be with you and not have fun, I added silently.
When we reached the diner, Nicholas pulled the door open and ushered me in, his hand now on the small of my back. There were only a few other young couples inside, and I recognized most of them as people who had just left the same movie we had come from. On Friday and Saturday nights, the diner was open until midnight or later to accommodate movie-goers. Nicholas’s friends Vince and Maggie, who were busy taking orders and clearing tables, worked the late shift together.
“There’s Maggie,” Nicholas said, pointing. I followed his finger to the girl weaving skillfully around tables, taking orders and chatting with p
atrons. Maggie’s uniform looked like genuine 1950s attire. Her fitted white blouse was tucked into a red and black poodle skirt with a wide black belt, and she wore white ankle socks and saddle shoes. Her red hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and tied with a bright red scarf.
A guy I assumed was Vince passed behind Maggie with a tray of drinks and gave her ponytail a friendly tug. Vince wore a tight white t-shirt, equally tight black jeans, and shiny black shoes. His thick dark hair was slicked back, and as he moved across the diner I noticed he had an order pad and pen tucked into the front pocket of his shirt.
Nicholas pulled me to a booth in a quiet corner and I slid in across from him. The walls were adorned with posters of Elvis and old-fashioned cars, along with framed autographed photos of famous people who had eaten at the diner. A beautiful mint-condition jukebox stood in one corner by the long formica-top counter, blaring an Elvis song I recognized but couldn’t name. The booths were slightly age-worn but in good condition, the red leather of the seats comfortably broken in and the tabletops glistening.
“This place was actually built in the 1950s,” Nicholas said, following my gaze with a look of pleasure and amusement on his face. “It’s pretty much the same today as it was half a century ago. A few more autographed pictures and a bit more current music in the jukebox, but not much else has changed from what I’ve heard.”
“It’s amazing,” I said, still looking around. “I’ve always wanted to go to a 1950s-style diner. There was one not too far from where I grew up, but I never went. The ‘50s seemed like such a great decade.”
“For sure. The music, the movies, the cars, the simplicity of life. Sometimes I wish I’d been born a few decades earlier so I could have lived in that time. My dad says I would have fit right in.” He shot me a lopsided grin and I tried to ignore the fact that my heart raced every time he looked at me, especially when he smiled.
His smile was so beautiful, transforming his already-handsome face with that flash of dimples, and the way his eyes crinkled in the corners. But when he smiled at me, it took my breath away. Everything else faded away for those few seconds.
I ducked my head, feeling suddenly shy. I still hadn’t figured out whether we were on a date or if he was just a nice guy helping a new girl in town to feel welcome.
I didn’t have long to follow this train of thought because Vince came over then and flopped down in the booth beside Nicholas.
“It’s been crazy in here tonight,” he said, wiping sweat off his brow with his forearm and letting out a long, weary sigh. “You guys came at a good time.” The look of exhaustion faded slightly from his green eyes as he looked over at me and grinned. “It’s so great to finally meet you. We’ve all heard a lot about you from Daisy over the years, and my boy Nicky here had good things to say about you when he came in this afternoon after meeting you.”
Nicholas elbowed Vince in the ribs and looked at me, raising his eyebrows in Vince’s direction as if to say he’s crazy, don’t listen to him.
I laughed and shook Vince’s outstretched hand. “Thanks. It’s nice to meet you, too.”
Maggie appeared at the table and plopped down next to me, heaving a sigh that rivaled Vince’s. I was sitting far enough back in the booth that she didn’t see me at first as she tugged her ponytail tighter and patted wisps of loose hair into place. When she finally saw me, her face lit up and she said excitedly, “Is this Emma?” When I nodded my head, she turned so she could hug me. “It’s so good to meet you! It’s gonna be great having a girl around, and from everything Daisy’s told us about you I know we’re gonna be great friends. It can be tiresome being stuck with these knuckleheads all the time.” She laughed as she motioned with her head toward Nicholas and Vince, who had matching expressions of mock hurt on their faces.
Still surprised by the hug, it took me a minute to respond, but I finally said, “It’s great to meet you guys. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”
And I was. I’d never really had any friends, so this whole thing was new to me. As they started to talk, I felt some of the same worries I had earlier this evening before Nicholas picked me up. What if I didn’t know what to say or how to act around them? Vince and Maggie both seemed so happy to meet me, something that felt foreign and strange, but not in a bad way. It was just unfamiliar. And because of that, there was a small part of me that couldn’t help but wonder if they were being nice to me because they knew and liked Daisy, or because Nicholas asked them to be welcoming to the new girl.
All my worries faded as they pulled me into their conversation. They seemed genuinely interested in me as they asked questions, then talked about their plans for the summer. I was both surprised and pleased to hear that those plans included me. Again, a strange feeling, but one I was beginning to think I would enjoy and get used to quickly.
When a small crowd came into the diner, Vince and Maggie left after promising to return when they could. Even though I didn’t have much experience with friends—or people in general, really—I thought it said a lot about them that they made such an effort to bring me into the fold. Nicholas told me earlier that it had almost always been just the three of them since childhood, but they had welcomed me as if I were a long-lost friend.
Nicholas turned toward me and leaned back in his seat, resting his hands on the table between us. I followed his gaze as he looked around, and tried to see things from his perspective.
He seemed to view the world differently than most people, just like Daisy did. I hoped that in time I would learn to do the same—look at everything as if seeing it for the very first time. In a lot of ways, I was already doing that; I had missed out on so much in my earlier teen years, it felt like I was being reborn into the real world now.
Maggie dragged me from my thoughts as she paused at our table, carefully balancing a full tray of drinks and food in her right hand. She leaned over, setting two root beers and a basket of fries on the table. “On the house,” she said, smiling at me and resting a hand on my shoulder. “Welcome to Riverview.” She straightened, spun around in a quick move that would have had me sprawled on the floor surrounded by spilled drinks, and made her way across the diner to another table.
Nicholas watched her go, his lips twitching. Turning his attention to the food, he squirted ketchup onto the paper in the basket of fries and pushed them to the middle of the table, waiting until I’d taken one before plucking a few for himself. As he popped one into his mouth, his eyes lifted to meet mine. “So. Why are you here?”
I raised my eyebrows, surprised by the sudden off-hand question. “Here, like here in Riverview?”
He nodded, and I gave a short laugh. “Do you have all night?”
He checked his watch then leaned forward and crossed his arms on the table. “As a matter of fact, I do.” The way he looked at me, his gaze unwavering and his lips curving into a small smile that made him look boyish, I felt like I could tell Nicholas anything and he would understand without judging me or thinking less of me.
I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts. Where should I even begin? “Well,” I said, drawing out the word to give myself time to think. “I guess it all started with my mother. I don’t want to blame everything on her or use her as an excuse, but I think my life would have been very different if she’d been a different type of person.” I paused, and Nicholas cocked his head to the side, his brows raised in question.
“My mother is very demanding and critical,” I continued. “She has impossible standards that no one, including me—or especially me—could possibly live up to. Call me a masochist, but I guess I thought that eventually she’d show some pride in my accomplishments. I worked hard, excelled in school, planned out every moment of my life, and no matter how well I did, it was never good enough for her. I waited my whole life for praise that never came.” I paused again, my eyes meeting Nicholas’s. He was watching me intently, but he didn’t speak, as if he knew there was more and wanted me to finish.
“When
I finally realized that nothing I ever did would make her happy and that I’d been living my whole life with that goal in mind, I just felt…lost. I was proud of myself but at the same time I felt beaten down because I wanted her to be proud of me, or at the very least to acknowledge my accomplishments. I feel like I wasted so much time trying to make her happy but never making myself happy.”
I shook my head, lost in thoughts of the past. “I’ve spent my entire life living without really living. I have nothing to show for all my hard work, and no identity beyond the girl who studied hard, had no friends, and lived to please her mother. I came here hoping to change that. Hoping to change myself. I don’t want to be that person anymore—the girl with no identity.” When I finished speaking, I let out a long breath. I felt inexplicably tired and exposed.
Nicholas leaned forward in his seat, his eyes intense as they searched mine. “Who do you want to be, Emma Ward?” he asked quietly, speaking for the first time since I began telling him about my life.
I laughed under my breath and shook my head again. Such a simple question, but there was no easy answer for it. And besides, I didn’t really know anyway. All I did know was I’d spent so long doing things to please my mother that it was time to figure out what made me happy, and what I wanted.
“I haven’t quite figured that out yet,” I said after a minute. “But I’m not going to plan for it like I’ve planned for everything else my entire life. I’m just going to let it happen naturally, in its own time. Which is really strange to hear coming from my own mouth, because it’s the opposite of how I’ve always done things.”
Nicholas nodded his head and took a sip of his root beer. “I think that’s a good idea. Things like that can’t be rushed.” He paused and rubbed his chin slowly. “I’d like to help you along the way…if you’d let me. I think we could learn a lot from each other.”