by Marie Landry
“I know,” I said, laughing quietly. “It feels so natural. I love you, too, Nicholas.”
He kissed me softly, a mere teasing meeting of lips. His mouth hovered for a moment before he brought his lips back to mine in a passionate kiss that sent electric waves throughout my entire body and left a wonderful tingling sensation in my stomach.
He pulled back to look into my eyes, and smiled. I could see the love in his gaze so clearly it took my breath away. There was something else though, something I had seen over the months, but that he always tried to hide: desire. It had his eyes darkening to a deep midnight blue, and I shivered in anticipation.
“I want you,” he whispered, his lips returning to mine. This time as he kissed me, his hands moved from my face, slowly down my body. He stood back, and with his eyes never leaving mine, he unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it from my shoulders.
With shaking hands, I tugged his shirt over his head and let it slide through my fingers to the floor. His hands moved to the zipper of my jeans, and he paused. “Do you want me to stop?”
My heart—and hormones—were screaming no! I didn’t want him to stop; I wanted him to touch me and kiss me, and I wanted to know what his body would feel like pressed skin-to-skin against mine. But instead, my breathless reply was, “Should we be doing this when you’re…sick?”
He chuckled softly at my hesitance. “Sick? Me? I’ve never felt better,” he said with a wink, his slow, sexy smile making my knees shake. “But if you feel uncomfortable or if you’re not ready—”
“No, I’m ready,” I said quickly, then felt more heat rush to my cheeks. I let out a long breath. “I’m ready,” I repeated slowly.
Nicholas stood for a minute looking down at me, as if trying to figure out whether I was telling him what he wanted to hear or if I meant what I said. I bit my lip; the more time that went by, the more nervous I got. It was hard enough since this was my first time, but it was pure agony waiting for him to touch me again.
Finally, his face relaxed into a small smile and he stepped closer to me, his hands moving back to the closure on my pants. I closed my eyes as I felt them glide down my legs and puddle around my ankles on the floor. Nicholas took my hand so I could step out of them, then I undid the ties of his pajama pants with hands even shakier than before.
My breath caught and held as he lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. It was hard to reconcile the Nicholas from a few hours before with this Nicholas—he had looked so pale and fragile previously, but now it was almost unbelievable that he was sick. With his confidence and strength returned, I tried to push away all thoughts of his illness and live in the moment the way Nicholas himself had taught me.
Focusing on his face, everything else faded until it was just Nicholas, me, and the moonlight that cast a pale glow over the bed as he lay me down on it. His lips blazed a trail over my neck and shoulders, chasing away the chill of the autumn night and leaving me burning for his touch.
Quivering with a mixture of anticipation and uncertainty, I clung to Nicholas as his body moved to cover mine. The rest was a searing blur of passion and pure ecstasy.
CHAPTER 12
My first conscious thought the next morning was that I was lying in Nicholas’s arms. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying that moment between sleep and awake, and savouring the warmth of his body.
When I slowly opened my eyes, blinking against the weak morning sunlight streaming into the bedroom, I realized Nicholas was still asleep, his breathing slow and heavy.
I smiled and inched closer to him, as close as I could possibly get. His arms were around me and our legs were entwined, but it still wasn’t close enough. I wanted to relive the feeling I had the night before when we were making love and our bodies were one, feeling as though we were merging together. It was a wonderful sensation, the thought of which sent hot, electric sparks through my body.
I angled my head back so I could peer up at Nicholas, looking into the face I had spent the last several months memorizing. The dark circles under his eyes were still there, but they were slightly less noticeable. His face was still pale, but it was the same exquisite face of the boy I had fallen in love with.
I felt giddy at that thought—the boy I had fallen in love with. My body tingled at the memory of telling Nicholas for the first time that I loved him. I had waited so long for the perfect moment, but realized it happened when it was meant to.
I swore silently to myself that I would tell Nicholas every single day from then on how much I loved and cherished him. And not only him, but Daisy too. She had become one of my best friends since I arrived in Riverview, and her friendship and love, along with Nicholas’s love, had made me the person I was.
As I lay there watching Nicholas sleep so peacefully, I thought of the past few months and all the things we had done together. When Nicholas and I first started seeing each other, we did things I had seen in old movies and on TV as a child and remembered thinking of as ‘disgustingly romantic’. They didn’t seem like things people did in real life, and I certainly never thought I would experience them.
But those very things had become part of everyday life for us—the walks and picnics in the park, the long drives in the country, the movies at the theatre, the dinners out or nights at home. And although they were overdone in film and television, laden with cheesy lines and false emotions, it wasn’t that way at all with Nicholas. With him, it all felt so natural and real. I had never expected to meet someone like him—I’d never even imagined it in my craziest dreams or fantasies.
It had all been so perfect. Even if I had dreamed or fantasized about it, nothing could have compared to the real thing. Meeting Nicholas changed me in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe.
And now our relationship was evolving. Nicholas was sick, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing he could do about it other than find the strength to fight.
We would have to take it day by day, hope and pray that everything would turn out all right, and that Nicholas would make a full recovery so we could live the rest of our lives together, happy and insanely in love.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until my vision blurred. I wiped the tears from my face just as Nicholas’s eyelids fluttered open. He blinked a few times then grinned slowly at me. “Good morning,” he said, his voice thick with sleep.
“Morning,” I said, closing the little space there was left between us by brushing a feather-light kiss on his lips. “How are you feeling?”
“Fantastic,” he said quietly as he wrapped his arms more tightly around me and buried his face in my neck. He placed light, teasing kisses on my throat, cheeks, and nose before slowly untangling his body from mine.
I pulled the rumpled sheets around me as he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. I leaned over and rubbed his naked back lazily as he stretched and yawned, feeling the lean muscles shift and pull taut under my hands. Turning to look over his shoulder at me with a mischievous glint in his eyes, he shifted as if he was about to lie back down when the phone rang.
Groaning, he reached for his pajama pants, pulling them on quickly before walking to the phone that sat on his desk. I lay back down and half-listened to the conversation, which consisted mainly of ‘okays’ and ‘mm-hmms’ on Nicholas’s end. When he hung up the phone he stood there for a minute before turning toward me, his face grave.
I sat up quickly, my heart beginning to pound painfully in my chest. “What? Who was that?”
Nicholas looked at me without saying anything; when I raised my eyebrows at him, he sighed and cleared his throat.
“That was the doctor. He wants me to come to his office right away. They got the test results back.” I shook my head, thinking that still didn’t explain the look on Nicholas’s face. “It must be bad, otherwise he could have just told me on the phone,” he said, his voice rough. He turned away quickly, one hand gripping the edge of the desk, and I could see his shoulders shake in what I guessed were silent sobs.
/> I scrambled out of the bed, pulling the sheet with me to wrap around my naked body as I crossed the room. I stood behind him, not knowing what to do. My hand was hovering over his shoulder when he turned, his face red and tear-streaked.
“I’m scared, Emma,” he choked out between sobs, closing his arms around me, his body leaning heavily against mine.
I pulled him as close as I could, but didn’t say anything. It felt like there was no air left in my lungs, and I didn’t want to tell him I was just as scared as he was.
*****
Later that morning, Nicholas and I sat fidgeting in the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor himself to arrive. We had pulled the two chairs together until the arms were almost overlapping, and Nicholas was clinging to my hand as if his life depended on it.
There was a rustling behind the closed door before it finally opened. The doctor, a surprisingly young man with dark hair and sharp green eyes walked in, holding a folder in his hands. He walked silently to his desk and stopped in front of it, tucking the folder under his arm.
“Nicholas,” he said, in a deep voice that was as surprising as his youthful appearance.
“Doctor Bernard,” Nicholas said, shaking the doctor’s hand. “This is Emma.” He glanced at me, and I had a moment to think the introduction was a bit short before the doctor was shaking my hand.
As we all exchanged pleasantries, I silently longed for him to get on with whatever he had to tell us.
Dr. Bernard leaned against his desk and opened the folder he was carrying. After a minute of appraisal, he looked up at us before moving around the side of the desk to sit in his swivel chair. “How are you feeling, Nicholas?”
Nicholas squeezed my hand, almost like an involuntary muscle convulsion; when I looked at him, his jaw was clenched. “Fine, considering. What’s the word, Doc?” His tone was tight, but I knew it was taking a lot of control not to snap at the doctor to just get on with it.
Dr. Bernard pursed his lips and nodded his head slowly before tossing the folder on his desk and leaning forward. He looked from Nicholas to me and back again, his expression uncertain.
“I want Emma here for this,” Nicholas said suddenly, and I realized the uncertainty on the doctor’s face was because he was worried about Nicholas’s privacy. “I’ve left her out of this too long already, so from now on, anything I know, she knows.”
My heart leaped at Nicholas’s words, and I squeezed his hand.
“Okay then,” Dr. Bernard said, nodding again. “Well, it looks like we’ve caught the cancer just in time. Any longer, and it might have started to spread. Now, you can get a second opinion of course, but barring that, I think we need to talk about your treatment options.”
“I don’t need a second opinion,” Nicholas said quickly. “I trust you. Let’s discuss treatment.” He looked at me briefly as if for backup and I nodded my head, unsure what else to do or say.
“Right. Well, chemotherapy will be your best bet with the type of leukemia you have. In some cases, there’s a short wait before starting chemo so the patient can make sure their immune system is built up, but you’re young and fit and otherwise healthy, so I think we should start treatment in about a week. I don’t think it would be prudent to wait any longer in your case, anyway.”
He paused, looking at each of us, and I got the impression he was giving us a chance to let his words sink in.
“The only place nearby that offers chemo treatment is Maltonville Hospital, about an hour away,” the doctor continued. “I’ll be back and forth to check up on you and monitor your progress. We’ll check you into the hospital for a minimum of three weeks and you’ll have weekends free to come and go as you please, as long as you limit your exposure to people. I know this is a lot of information to take in right now, and these are just the basics. It can be very overwhelming, but I want you to know that you’re in good hands, both with me and with the staff at Maltonville.”
As the doctor spoke, the colour slowly drained from Nicholas’s face until it was a sickly, ashen gray, and his hand was limp in mine. He was gnawing on his lower lip and nodding his head, as if trying to process everything the doctor had just said.
Dr. Bernard leaned forward more, his rumbling voice soft when he spoke again. “I know it’s easier said than done, Nicholas, but I don’t want you to worry. You’re going to be getting the best care possible and I’ll be on call for you twenty-four-seven if you have any questions or if you even just want to talk.”
Nicholas stopped nodding his head and looked up at Dr. Bernard. “Thank you, Roy.” He started nodding his head again and then stood up suddenly. “I…I need to use the washroom, I’ll be right back.”
“Of course,” Dr. Bernard said, and we both watched as Nicholas practically fled from the room, pulling the door shut loudly behind him.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply as I turned back around in my chair to face the doctor. For the first time in my life, I understood what people meant when they said the silence was so loud it was deafening. So many thoughts were running through my head, I thought I was going to scream. After a minute, I asked, “Do you know Nicholas personally, Doctor?”
Dr. Bernard, who was looking through Nicholas’s folder again, nodded his head slowly before looking up and meeting my eyes. “Please, call me Roy,” he said, with a small smile. “And yes, Nicholas and I have known each other for years. We were neighbours growing up. I’m a few years older than he is, but we’ve always been friends. When it came time to make choices about school, I struggled with the decision to become a doctor, but Nicholas encouraged and supported me.”
“That sounds like him,” I said, thinking of the support and encouragement he’d given me.
“It was against my better judgment to become his doctor, but he practically begged me and I couldn’t refuse, given our history. I figured I’d rather know what’s going on firsthand and be there to give whatever kind of support he needs.”
“That’s really good of you,” I said quietly, my eyes filling with tears.
He was silent for a moment before he said, “You really love him, don’t you?”
My head snapped up in surprise. “Yeah. I really do.”
“I can tell,” he said, chuckling quietly, the rumbling sound of it putting me more at ease. “And he loves you. He talked about you constantly when he came in for his first round of tests. Told me he’d finally found the girl of his dreams, the one he wanted to settle down and make a life with.”
I realized I had stopped breathing for a minute, and my body gave a little jolt. This explained the brief introduction earlier—Roy already knew who I was.
“It’s easy to tell that you’ve done Nicholas a world of good just in the few months you’ve known each other. He’s always been a bright and cheerful person, but since he met you…well, I can honestly say I’ve never seen him this happy. And I can tell you now that your love for him will help him through this ordeal. It’ll give him something to fight for, to live for.”
He paused, picking up a pencil from his desk and fiddling with it. “I know I’m supposed to be a man of science with logical answers for everything, but I believe the power of love is the best medicine a person can get. I’ve seen it happen. I saw it keep Nicholas’s mother alive well past the point the doctors said she should have lived. I think it’s amazing that you’re sticking by his side—and not just out of duty, but out of love and a desire to see him recover. I’ve seen countless relationships fall apart when one partner gets a diagnosis like this. It takes a lot of strength, courage, commitment, and love to see someone through a serious illness.”
“I’m working on the strength and courage part,” I said. “But I’ll be there for him every step of the way. I know that together we can beat this.”
Roy smiled warmly at me and then his gaze moved past me. I turned to see Nicholas standing in the open doorway. He was even paler than before, and his face was streaked from crying, but despite all that, a ghost of a smile played arou
nd his mouth and eyes.
Knowing he must have heard some or all of my conversation with Roy, I could feel my tense muscles relax a little. No matter what happened, Nicholas would know that my love and support wasn’t an act or something I was doing out of a sense of obligation, but a gesture of the true and compelling love I felt for him. And maybe knowing that I had faith in him would make him fight that much harder to overcome the obstacles ahead.
Nicholas closed the door and returned to his seat beside me, giving me a little wink as he lowered himself into the chair. Reaching for my hand, he brought it to his lips in a now-familiar gesture that still had my heart tripping in my chest.
“Let’s get this ball rolling, Roy. Tell me everything I need to know so I can be prepared to kick this thing’s ass.”
CHAPTER 13
When we left Doctor Roy’s office later that morning, laden with pamphlets and brochures about leukemia and chemotherapy, I asked Nicholas to come stay with Daisy and me so I could keep an eye on him while Sam was away. I told him I didn’t want to worry about him being alone at home, having endless time to think and fret about the cancer and his impending treatments.
His half-hearted attempts to resist had me biting back a smile. I knew he liked the idea and appreciated the sentiment behind it, but he said he didn’t want to impose.
“Let me take care of you.” I said. “This is something I want to do for you. You have enough to worry about without having to think about making meals and cleaning and stuff. And it’s not even as if you’re far from home. If you want to take off for a while and have some privacy, you can. I’m not going to hold you prisoner or smother you with concern.”
I said all of this as we drove to his place to pick up his clothes, and out of the corner of my eye I could see him watching me, his face serious but his eyes sparkling with humour.