by Marie Landry
We spent our two days of freedom mostly at his house with the others coming and going for visits. Even though we weren’t able to go anywhere or do much because Nicholas didn’t have the energy, I could see in his face and his body language that he was relieved just to be away from the hospital.
Near the end of the third week, Doctor Roy ran some tests on Nicholas to see how the chemotherapy was working and to check Nicholas’s blood levels. We were packing up Nicholas’s things on the Friday, getting ready to go home for the weekend, when Roy came in carrying a thick folder.
“Hey, you two,” he said, stopping to stand a few feet away from us, his face serious. “I’m sorry to put a damper on your weekend, but I just got your test results back, Nicholas. I thought you would want to know.”
“Yeah, thanks Roy. How’s the chemo working?” Nicholas asked hopefully despite the look of distress on Roy’s face.
“Well…” Roy said slowly. “It’s not working as quickly as we’d hoped. Your white blood cell count is still abnormally high. There’s no need to worry too much about it though, because we’re going to try what’s called combination chemotherapy, which is a combination of two drugs that will specifically treat the form of leukemia you have.
“These treatments are even more extensive than your current method of chemo, and…” Roy paused to tug at his tie, loosening it from his neck. “Well, the unfortunate news is we’re going to have to check you into the hospital indefinitely. You won’t be allowed out on weekends anymore.”
Nicholas’s smile vanished and the air left his lungs with an audible whooshing sound, leaving his shoulders slumped. He had been feeling the effects of the chemo so acutely he was sure it had to be working. He would tell me when something bothered him, and share his fears and pain with me, but for the most part he’d been keeping a positive attitude, and I had been trying desperately to do the same.
When neither of us spoke, Roy cleared his throat and said, “I’m really sorry guys, but it’s the only way. I’ll need you to be back Sunday night this time, and we’ll start treatments Monday morning. I don’t know what else to tell you other than to make this weekend count since you don’t know when you’ll be out again.” He looked from Nicholas to me and back again, then turned to leave after attempting a reassuring smile that looked more like a grimace. This wasn’t easy for any of us.
I turned back to Nicholas and searched his face for any sign of what he was feeling. I wanted to say something, wanted to embrace him, but there was a part of me that was afraid of how he would respond at that moment. Because of that, I wanted him to throw something or scream or do anything other than stand there with his expression carefully blank and his eyes straight ahead.
When none of that happened, I finished packing his stuff, got his wheelchair, and pushed him out to my car for the drive home.
*****
Nicholas spent the entire ride back to Riverview sitting stony-faced, his head turned toward the window. I had learned by now that if he was silent, there was a reason for it; he would never intentionally shut me out. Silence was his way of processing things, but it put me on edge and made me tense.
By the time we turned onto Daisy’s street, Nicholas had relaxed visibly. He turned to me and attempted a small smile. “Sorry,” he said. “I know you don’t like it when I…” He waved a hand in a vague gesture that I assumed encompassed his tendency to become quiet when things were especially difficult.
He took a deep breath as we pulled into the driveway and I parked the car. “I think the initial shock has worn off. I’m still having trouble accepting this, but…it is what it is.” He shrugged, and in that moment I knew he felt completely helpless, just as I did.
I reached for his hand and cupped it with both of mine. “I know Roy’s news wasn’t what either of us wanted to hear. And I know you were hoping the chemo was working and that maybe this would be the end of it, rather than the beginning of more treatments. But we’ll get through this Nicholas. You’re so strong. Every single day, you amaze me with your strength.”
He lifted my hands and pressed them to his face, closing his eyes. He looked so weary it broke my heart. The last three weeks had felt like three months, and now with new hurdles thrown in front of us, it meant more seemingly endless days in the hospital.
“For the next two days I don’t want to talk about any of this. The cancer, the treatments, the hospital. Let’s just forget about all of it.” His eyes were pleading when he opened them to look at me. “I know I don’t have the strength to do much, and we can’t do the things we did before I got sick, but I just want two more days to pretend I’m normal before I’m stuck in the hospital for god knows how long.”
I nodded my head, my throat too tight to speak. I ran my hands over his face, which was rough with stubble, and leaned in to press my lips to his. The chemo had made his mouth and lips so dry that he didn’t initiate much kissing anymore, but he made it a point to kiss my face and hands and neck whenever he could to make up for it.
We were home earlier than expected, and when we went inside we found a note on the kitchen table from Daisy. It said if we beat her back to the house, she would be home soon and Sam would be with her. Nicholas called Vince and Maggie to invite them over so we could tell everyone about the new chemo treatments and not have to go over it again and again.
We were settled on the couch, both of us dozing off when I recognized the sound of Daisy’s car in the driveway, followed by the beeping of her car horn. “Stay put,” I told Nicholas.
I slipped my feet into my shoes and grabbed my jacket, then headed outside. Daisy and Sam were opening the trunk of the car, and I could see a dozen or so grocery bags inside. “Sam, why don’t you leave that for Daisy and me and go on inside.”
Sam and Daisy froze simultaneously, as if my words had paralyzed them. If I hadn’t been so bogged down with worry, I might have found their in-sync reactions almost comical. Sam straightened from the trunk and met my eyes. I had tried to keep my voice light, but somehow he knew something was wrong. Without a word, he moved past me, touching me briefly on the shoulder before disappearing into the house.
Daisy opened her arms and I walked into her familiar, comforting embrace.
“I don’t know how to keep doing this, Daisy,” I said, tears prickling my eyes even though I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to help him through this.”
Daisy drew back and held me steadily by the shoulders. “Of course you’re strong enough,” she said fiercely, her own eyes glistening with moisture. “You’re going to give him all you have, just like you’ve been doing, and when you don’t think you’ve got anything left to give, you’re going to dig deeper and somehow find more strength. That’s what we’re all going to have to do.”
I nodded. As much as it scared me, and as hard as all this was, I needed to hear those words, and to know Daisy believed in me. I could tell Nicholas anything, but I didn’t want to tell him how terrified I was, especially now that we knew the treatments weren’t working.
I inhaled deeply and nodded my head again, smiling gratefully at my aunt. “Thank you,” I said. “Mags and Vince are coming over and we’re going to tell you what’s going on. We wanted everyone to be here. I just wanted to give Sam and Nicholas an opportunity to be alone for a few minutes since they might not get much of a chance the rest of the weekend.”
“They’ll appreciate that,” Daisy said, smoothing my hair away from my face. “We can take the groceries in and get dinner started while they talk.”
An hour later when Maggie and Vince arrived, dinner was ready so the six of us sat at the dining room table. Everyone was eyeing Nicholas expectantly, and when I nodded to him, he took a deep breath. “The chemo’s not working as the doctors had hoped.” He paused, as if letting this news sink in. I glanced around the table and saw everyone darting worried looks at each other before turning back to Nicholas. “I’m going to be starting more extensive treatments—so
mething called combination chemotherapy. Roy is hopeful that it’ll kill the cancer completely, but until then I won’t be able to leave the hospital.”
Everyone started talking at once, making comments and asking questions, but I silenced them by raising my hands. “Guys, guys. We know this is upsetting, and it’s not the news we were hoping for after three weeks of treatment, but because this is Nicholas’s last weekend out for a while, he just wants to enjoy it and forget about the cancer.” I laid my hand over his on top of the table and saw Sam do the same on the other side of him. “Please just give him that. Help us make this weekend a good one, something he can hold on to.”
Everyone nodded and murmured agreement. Maggie gave a little sniffle from across the table, and she was biting her lip, but the tears that were shining in her eyes didn’t fall. I reached for her hand with my free one and held on tight.
“We could go for a long drive tomorrow night,” she said tentatively to Nicholas, her voice wavering slightly. “I know you can’t be around people, but we’ll be inside the car and it would be an outing at least.”
“That sounds perfect, Mags,” Nicholas said, smiling at her gratefully.
“Well, since half of us are holding hands anyway, we might as well all join hands and give thanks for this food,” Sam said.
And with that, it was as if we all made a silent pact to honour Nicholas’s wishes not to mention the cancer for the next two days.
****
Nicholas went home that night, and Daisy, Maggie, and I had another girls’ night complete with junk food and movies. I wasn’t able to unwind as much as I had at our last sleepover party, but it was still enjoyable and I appreciated the effort from Daisy and Maggie to keep me busy.
Everyone congregated at our place around noon the next day. Nicholas looked rested even though he was still pale and seemed to have permanent dark circles under his eyes. I made a quick lunch of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and we all sat in the living room, talking.
Before the sun set that afternoon, Vince, Maggie, Nicholas, and I went for a drive. We headed in the opposite direction from Maltonville, and just drove aimlessly, winding down country roads. We found a quiet diner after it was too dark to enjoy the scenery, and sat in a secluded corner, the four of us huddled close together around the small round table.
We were home before ten o’clock, and Nicholas spent the night with me. On Sunday morning, he woke me before dawn. “I want to watch the sunrise with you,” he whispered, stroking my face as I fought to wake up from a deep sleep. I was about to protest and say it was too cold, but before I could get the words out, Nicholas said, “Please, Em?”
I sighed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. He was looking at me with such a hopeful expression, I didn’t have the heart to say no. We dressed in our warmest clothes, including gloves, scarves, and a hat to cover Nicholas’s bald head, and I grabbed an armful of blankets. When I plucked my car keys from the front table, Nicholas said, “Let’s walk. It’s not that far and I need to move around.”
I looked at him steadily for a minute, part of me hoping he would change his mind. When he didn’t, I put my keys back and we headed out the door. “This is insanity, you know,” I said as we cut across the yard to follow the river to the park.
“It’s an adventure,” he said, grabbing my hand. I had to laugh at that; he sounded so much like his old self.
The morning was cold, and our breath rose into the air like wisps of fog before disappearing into the semi-darkness. We reached the park just as the last few stars were winking out in the sky and the horizon was beginning to turn pink.
This sunrise was as spectacular as the first time Nicholas had brought me to the hill to experience the world being born anew. I had grabbed my camera at the last minute before leaving the house, and now I took pictures of the huge fiery ball of light as it made its way over the skyline and into the heavens.
Despite the fact that we both looked exhausted and slightly bedraggled, I convinced Nicholas we should be in some of the pictures. We used the sunrise as a backdrop and smiled into the camera like our lives depended on it.
I took several pictures of Nicholas leaning against the oak tree, his upturned face an ethereal glow of brilliant colours reflected from the sky. “I want to remember this morning forever,” I told him. “Someday, we’ll look back at these pictures and remember all we’ve been through. We’ll know how strong you were and how hard you had to fight to beat the illness that invaded your body. But by then, that illness will be a distant memory.”
Nicholas smiled and kissed me tenderly. My heart broke a little at the look on his face; his expression told me he was afraid this would be the last sunrise we would see together.
*****
The rest of the day passed quickly—too quickly. Sam arrived after breakfast, and Maggie and Vince weren’t far behind. The six of us spent the day sitting around the living room playing board games. We all honoured our agreement not to talk about the cancer or the new treatments, but it was obvious by the tension in the air that it was on everyone’s minds. We had pizza delivered for dinner that night, and we all took our time eating, trying to hold onto the precious remaining hours we had together.
After dinner Sam asked if we would mind if he drove Nicholas to the hospital that night. “I just want a bit of time alone with him,” he explained. I wondered suddenly if Sam wished I wasn’t around as much so that he could have more quality time with Nicholas.
As if reading my thoughts, Sam said, “I don’t begrudge you your time with him, darlin’. You’re the best medicine in the world for him, and I know you’re always there when he needs you. Just tonight of all nights, with him starting the new treatments tomorrow…”
“Of course,” I said quickly, wanting to reassure Sam that I understood. “It’s fine with me. You guys need the time together.”
Nicholas excused us and pulled me into the empty kitchen. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? I know we had planned on you driving me back, and I don’t want you to be upset.”
“How could I be upset that your dad wants to spend time with you?” I asked, touching Nicholas’s face. He looked so concerned, I almost laughed. “I’m a big girl, Nicholas. I know I have to share.”
My words had the desired effect, and Nicholas laughed lightly. “I guess this is goodnight then.” He put his arms around my waist and rested his forehead against mine.
“I’ll see you first thing tomorrow morning,” I told him, kissing his cheeks, then laying my lips on his. We continued our private goodbye in the kitchen before joining the others in the living room where there were lots of hugs and kisses, accompanied by promises to visit Nicholas in the hospital soon.
Vince and Maggie left a few minutes after Nicholas and Sam, but not before Maggie offered to spend the night. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness, but reassured her I would be fine. I locked the door behind them and turned to find Daisy standing in the foyer.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” she asked quietly.
I bit my lip, fighting back the sudden overwhelming desire to dissolve into tears. “Just…hold me,” I said, walking into her already open arms.
*****
Nicholas started his next round of chemotherapy as planned on Monday morning. The first week of new treatments was similar to the first three weeks Nicholas had spent in the hospital—tolerable, and at times almost enjoyable, with visits from our family, and doting staff doing everything they could to make us comfortable and keep us occupied.
Nicholas’s moods and energy levels became as unpredictable as the fall weather. Some days he would be fine—laughing and smiling, telling jokes and stories. Other days he was so quiet and withdrawn, we ended up sitting in silence. The October weather was almost always cool now; one day the sun would shine brightly, and the next, clouds would roll in and rain would fall so hard we thought it would never stop.
After a while it seemed like Nicholas’s moods shadowed the weather. On the r
ainy days, he would become quiet and take his chemo treatments with his chair fully reclined so he could lie down. When the sun shone, he would mirror its brightness with his beautiful smile and sparkling, dancing eyes.
We began to call his good days ‘blue sky days’. These were the days we would wrap ourselves up in coats, scarves, and blankets, and I would push Nicholas in his wheelchair through the hospital grounds to the garden. We still loved it there even though it was now quite a sad sight with its frostbitten flowers and earth, and we would stay out until one or both of us got chilled.
I had my camera with me all the time, and would take pictures of the sky, the flowers and trees, and of Nicholas. He had even stopped protesting when I wanted to take photographs of him, especially when I agreed to be in the shots with him.
We both dreaded the first weekend in the hospital, even though Roy cleared me to spend the entire weekend, including a night or two if I wanted. We tried to ignore the fact that it was Thanksgiving weekend and that we were missing out on the festivities.
Daisy, Sam, Vince, and Maggie arrived for a surprise visit on Saturday afternoon, bringing gifts of flowers and books for both Nicholas and me. None of us mentioned the holiday, and I didn’t ask what the others’ plans were for the actual holiday on Monday.
My mother had never followed through with her invitation for Nicholas and me to visit her and my dad for Thanksgiving—not that I’d really expected her to. I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d forgotten about me entirely, as well as the fact that Nicholas was in the hospital battling cancer.
The nurses brought a cot for me to sleep on that night, but after they checked on us to make sure we had everything we needed for the night, Nicholas asked me to crawl into bed with him. I knew he needed his rest, and even though I warned him he should be sleeping, we somehow managed to spend half the night talking.