“Nope, I’m not busy at all. I have the whole afternoon and some of the evening free. Besides, my mother would skin my butt if she knew I didn’t help.” I’m walking behind her while she makes her way into the living room.
When I finally take in the bags scattered all over the place, I’m really wondering if there is anything left at Bed Bath and Beyond.
“You guys were not kidding with this shopping thing. Lilah, how many of these bags are yours, huh?” I look over at Lilah, who is trying to walk around the minefield that is now the living room.
“I got a pink pillow for my room, but I can’t find it,” she says sadly while she walks around looking for the pillow.
“Baby, I will find the pillow as soon as I finish helping Ms. Brenda unload the car. How about you sit on the couch and wait,” Bella says while dropping her load of bags.
“I can finish outside with Brenda. Why don’t you find her pillow so she can have it?” I’m standing in the middle of the room and finally take her in. Today she is wearing some sort of black pants, tights that mold her legs. A long-sleeved jean shirt that’s one size too big on her, but she has the two buttons at the top open, showing just a touch of skin. The cuffs to the sleeves are tied tight so as to not ride up.
I’m standing here looking at her, trying to see what she’s fighting with. I know she wants to send me to hell. I know she wants to tell me to just go home. Heck, she might want to scream at the top of her lungs and tell me to fuck off. But she doesn’t do it.
“Sure.” One word. One word and I know it’s the end of the conversation, because she turns around and starts opening the bags, looking for the pillow in question.
Turning around, I follow Brenda back to the car. “Give her time, Jackson,” she says as she leans in to grab more bags. “She’s been through more than we think. I don’t know what it is yet, but I do know she’s scared. We went out, and she didn’t look one person in the eye.”
“I can protect her.” I’m talking to Brenda, but I want Bella to somehow hear me.
“I have no doubt you can protect her. But that isn’t what she sees. She sees one more thing to be scared of. Be patient, try to be her friend.”
“I just want to be her friend. I want her to know she can ask me for anything. That she and Lilah will be safe with me.”
“I’ve seen the way you look at her. She might not know that look. But I know that look. You want to protect her and Lilah. You want to be there for them. But you also want to be the one holding her hand. The one tucking Lilah into bed.”
“Tha—”
“That is exactly what you want, and I know you, Jackson. Tread lightly. Not for you, not for Bella, but for Lilah.” And with that parting comment, Brenda turns and walks toward the door where I hear squealing coming from inside.
“Look, Ms. Brenda, Momma found my pink flower pillow!” Lilah squeals while jumping on the couch.
“Be careful jumping on that thing, little heart. We wouldn’t want one monkey falling off the bed,” Brenda says to her while dumping the bags beside the couch she is jumping on. “Where is your momma?”
“I’m in the kitchen getting you something to drink,” Bella says, coming back into the living room with two glasses of lemonade. “It’s the least I could do after you did all this today.”
“Oh please, honey, it was so much fun. A long time since I’ve been shopping like this. Makes me feel young again,” Brenda says while sitting on the couch right next to Lilah, who holds a flower-shaped pillow in her small hands. “I can’t wait to throw this couch out. I’ve always hated this flower print so much. I think I tried to spill bleach on it once, but Nan caught me.” She laughs out loud, from the memory of that day.
“Where is this couch going?” I sit down on the other love seat with the same flower print.
“We bought a new living room set today and get this, Jackson, a television. Nan must be turning in her grave laughing at us.”
I look over at Bella, who blinks away tears at the memories of Nan that are probably filling her mind.
“Nan would be laughing with us if she were here right now. You know, she once came to give me cookies for one reason or another. When I invited her in, she saw my seventy-inch television. She almost fell over her feet. She complained there was nothing so great on television to need one. She also spent four hours over that day watching a couple of movies with me.” I share my memory with her while Brenda laughs.
“Momma, I’m hubry.” Lilah stares at her mom. At the same time, Bella’s stomach groans loudly, making us all laugh. The sound of Bella laughing is the sweetest sound God has ever made. It must even be better than angels singing.
“Me, too. Why don’t we order some pizza?” I know she is going to argue, but Lilah speaks up first.
“Pissa like the last time?” She widens her eyes at me, waiting for my answer.
“Yup, just like last time. Would you like that?”
She nods enthusiastically.
“Perfect, I’ll order. Would you like to come with me to pick it up? Leave your mommy and Brenda to put away all this mess?”
“No,” Bella snaps at me, making Lilah retreat into Brenda. “I mean, it’s okay. She doesn’t get in the way here.” She tries to calm herself down. I see the way her chest is heaving like she just ran around the block on a hot blistering day at top speed. “You don’t have a car seat.”
Looking straight into her eyes, I see the battle she is fighting. I nod my head. “I didn’t really want to go pick it up anyway. I’ll just have it delivered.” I get up, making my way to the front door, taking my cell phone out while I call in the order.
My body is rattling with anger, shaking with the need to go in there and take her in my arms and promise her nothing will ever touch her again. I know it will only send her running in the other direction.
I place the order, putting it on my account, and turn around to go back inside where I see Brenda holding Lilah in her lap while Bella is organizing the bags.
“Okay, so the pizza should be here soon. You girls have fun with all these bags.” I nod my head down toward Lilah. “I ordered cheese just for you, princess.” I turn to walk toward the door.
“Where are you going, Jackson?” Brenda asks, making the noise of the bags rustling stop.
“I’m going to go. I have some things to do. You three enjoy the pizza.” And with those words, I walk out the door and don’t stop until I slam my door shut. I turn and punch the wall next to the door, leaving a huge hole in the sheetrock.
I make my way to the kitchen to wash off the blood that has started to trickle out. Flexing my hand into a fist under the water, I watch the blood and water swirl together on their way down the drain. The look of fear on her face when she thought I would be taking her daughter is more than my stomach can take.
I don’t know who did this to her, but if I ever find him, I’ll bury him ten feet deep. She has to trust me. She has to give me a chance. I have to show her she can be safe here. I have to show her not every man is evil like the devil. The only thing is how the fuck am I going to convince her or make her let me?
Chapter Ten
Bella
I just watch his retreating back, wanting nothing more than to call out to him to come back. But I know I can’t call him back. It’s better for him if he never sets eyes on us.
“Well, that was quite a show,” Brenda says to me while rocking Lilah side to side.
“I just, I can’t let him take her. I don’t even know him. What if something happened? What if she got scared, what if she got lost?” I’m almost hyperventilating.
“I don’t know who you’re trying to convince here, me or yourself?”
“I can’t do this. I promised her no more sadness. I promised her no more scared nights. I promised her only smiles from now on.” I pull four bags with me to the kitchen.
When we stepped into Bed Bath and Beyond, Brenda clapped her hands together like she had just arrived at Disney World for the first ti
me. She picked Lilah up, placing her in the shopping cart, and was on her way.
We started in the bath department. Jesus, I’ve never seen so many different colored towels. She picked up bath towels, bath sheets, hand towels, and finger towels. She didn’t just pick up one color, either. Nope, she couldn’t do that, she got us four purple, four pink, and four white. I had no idea where I was going to put all these towels, but I’d figure it out since it made her so happy.
Then she started in on the bathroom accessories. Toothbrush holders, decorative soap dishes, pumping soap dispensers, towel holders, trash cans. I had no idea why I needed all of this, but she was too excited for me to stop her.
The next aisle was the bedding department. I think we spent at least two hours in that department. She picked out everything from the down comforter, which felt like you were wrapped up in a cloud, to the matching sheets that appeared to be from Egypt. A bed skirt, pillow cases, and pillow shams were next. Then, most importantly, according to Brenda, were the actual pillows. She got us six pillows each. Fluffy, like big puffs of cotton, I was actually looking forward to laying my head down on these pillows.
The final stop was the kitchen part. She picked out a blender, a slow cooker, a new toaster, a new microwave, a new coffee machine, tea kettle, forks, knives, spoons, cheese knives, mixing bowls, measuring bowls, a can opener. It just went on and on. I couldn’t even keep up with her, and I even ran off to fetch another cart—twice—since she just kept adding more stuff.
When we finally started to the head to the cashier, I quickly tried doing the math in my head. Let’s just say it was nothing I thought it would be. When the cashier told us how much it was, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, not sure what to do or if I could even cover that right now.
I didn’t have time to contemplate what to do before Brenda pulled out her platinum American Express card and said, “This is going to get me so many points! Bed Bath and Beyond is a double point retailer! I can’t wait to see what I’ll be getting for free next!”
I looked over at her. “Have you lost your mind? Are you having a stroke?”
She just waved me off, turning around to speak to Lilah, “What do you say we go get you your very own bedroom set? I’m thinking a princess canopy bed. I’ve always wanted to buy someone that.”
“No, absolutely not. We can’t take it, you can’t buy her that!” I started packing the bags into the basket. “It’s insane the amount of money you just spent on us. I have…I’m just,” I mumbled. Shaking my head, I tried to find words to tell her how crazy she was.
“Oh, please, I have all this money and nothing to do with it. I have no kids, no grandchildren, no one. I can’t take it with me, so why not do something fun with it, right, Lilah?” She leaned down to kiss her on the nose.
“Right, Ms. Brenda,” she agreed with her with a smile. “I’m going to get a princess bed?” She threw her hands up in the air like she just scored a touchdown.
“Lilah, I don’t know what you are getting. We have to see how much money it is, okay, baby?”
She looked down at her doll in defeat.
I turned and glared at Brenda. “See what you did?”
I was waiting for her to answer when she threw her head back and let out a huge belly laugh. “Well, I guess it’s too late, since I ordered it this morning online. Did you know you can just sit down, right in your own kitchen, drink your coffee, and order whatever you want?” She looked at the cashier, right after she signed her receipt. “It’s magic, and then in three to five business days. BOOM. Stuff just gets delivered.”
I turned to her. “You ordered her bed already?”
“Yay! I’m getting a princess bed, Momma!” Lilah started her celebration again.
I shook my head, thinking of ways to get her to let me pay her back.
“The good news is I’ve already ordered all the bedding, too. Oh, and I got some princess lamps.”
Lilah let out a gasp and looked at her like she was her own personal fairy godmother.
“Momma, I gonna have my own bed with princess lamps!”
Then I broke, the tear escaped my eye, and I used the back of my hand to wipe it away, looking up at the ceiling to blink away the rest that wanted to escape. Then a cool hand slid into mine—Brenda’s.
“Please, do this for me.”
I couldn’t answer because I felt like if I did I’d turn into a sobbing mess right there in the middle of Bed Bath and Beyond.
“Come on, we still need a new couch and a television. Boy, do I feel great today,” she said, pushing out her basket with Lilah, chattering away about how she wanted everything pink.
I’m brought back into the present when the doorbell rings. Brenda sees the struggle in me and jumps right up. “I’ll get it.”
She answers the door, bringing in the biggest pizza I think the restaurant makes. “How much was it?” I start to head for my purse to get my wallet.
“No idea. The delivery guy said it was paid for.” She places the pie on the counter, going to get some plates. “Darn it! We forget to get plates! That’s because you rushed me out of the store,” she says almost accusingly.
“Rushed you out of the store? We were there for four hours!” I open up the box, breaking the slices apart. “Do you think we should take a couple of slices over to Jackson?” I ask, looking down at the eight slices of pizza in front of me.
“If you want to bring him a couple of slices, go ahead. I’ll stay here and have a picnic with Lilah.”
I shake my head no. I’m not going over there. He makes me feel things I shouldn’t. He makes me feel like there is hope. He makes me wish for things I can’t have.
“Lilah, you want to go sit in the yard and have a picnic?” I squat down just in time to see her eyes light up and her head nod. My baby girl has been having lots of firsts these days.
“Wif Ms. Brenda? I don’t wanna use my pink cover.” She shakes her head side to side.
“Oh no, honey, we are going to get the big cover from your Nan’s bed and throw that one outside,” Brenda says from behind me. “And let’s hope birds fly over us and poop all over it so your momma will let me throw it out,” she whispers, making us both laugh.
“We are not using that cover. It was my Nan’s.” I look at her with my hands on my hips. “Don’t even think about it.”
She throws her hands up. “Okay, fine, let me go home and bring out one I have. You guys bring out the pizza.” She heads out the front door toward her house.
“Okay, Lilah, I’ll bring the pizza, you go get some pillows.”
“I rwelly like Ms. Brenda. She said she wants to play Barbie wif me after pissa,” Lilah says as she climbs down off her chair and walks over to the couch, grabbing an old cushion and dragging it behind her while she makes her way to the door. “I rwelly like it here, Momma. Can we stay forever?”
In that moment, tears well in my eyes, making them burn. “We aren’t going anywhere, baby. This is our home now.”
“I no want Daddy.” She looks at me, the fear in her eyes coming to the surface.
I drop down and pull her to me.
“Never ever again. Momma promises you. Never again will we go back there.” I smooth her hair, her tiny hands letting the cushions go so she can wrap her arms around my neck.
We stay like that for a while, the two of us holding each other in the middle of the kitchen, a box of pizza on the floor to one side of us and an old sofa cushion on the other side.
The knocking on the back door has us jumping up, but we hear Brenda shouting, “I hope you two didn’t eat all the pizza in there.”
I pick us up from the floor and head to the back door to unlock it.
Brenda must see the look on our faces but doesn’t question it. “What can I help carry outside?”
“I get a cushion,” Lilah says, pushing off me to grab the cushion.
“I’ll carry the pizza out. How about you bring some napkins, maybe some water for us to drink?”
>
She just nods, going to collect the things, and we make our way into the back, where the cover is already set up on the lawn. A lawn without weeds thanks to Jackson and his inability to listen to anything I say. Turning my head over to the street, I notice his car is still in the driveway.
I shake my head from the thoughts that want to run through it. The what-ifs are a scary game to play, and I’m not sure the gamble is worth it.
“Now this is what I call a picnic!” Brenda says from her spot on the blanket as she dishes out pizza to us. “Best picnic ever, right, little heart?”
“Hmmm pee-sah,” is all she says, and once again I’m laughing.
I take in my surroundings. I’m sitting on a blanket in the middle of my Nan’s beautiful yard, eating delicious pizza with my girl and a woman who barely knows me, but who I know for certain has my back.
This, to me, is heaven. It might seem normal to most people, but to me and my daughter, this right here is cloud nine.
Chapter Eleven
Jackson
I slam the door harder than I intended, making the picture frames on the walls shake twice.
The anger inside me is almost unexplainable. I want to tear someone to shreds. I want to cause injury and pain to someone whose name I don’t even know.
Someone who had beauty the likes of those two women in his hands, and instead of cherishing them, he terrorized them. I throw myself on the couch and drag my hands through my hair as I look through the window at her house.
I need to let this frustration out of me before I go over there and force her to tell me what happened. I know it will only push her back inside herself.
Seeing her finally smile at Brenda was like the sun breaking out of the clouds after a rainstorm. Hearing that little girl giggle was like listening to money fall out of a slot machine in Vegas.
Making my way upstairs, stripping out of my clothes, I look down at my hard cock. He wants to let out his frustration in other ways. I fist it tight, urging it to go away, but the minute I close my eyes, ready to have my happy ending, I hear my phone ringing from my pocket.
Hell And Back Page 5