“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this, Jackson. I have watched you, ever since I met you, for the last five years blame yourself for not saving him. I will not stand here and watch it anymore. He did this, not you, not Nancy, not anyone but that bastard,” she says loudly, shaking her head. “How is your mother?”
I shake my head no, hoping she doesn’t push the topic. She must feel my need to drop the subject.
“I don’t know what this is going to do to her. I don’t know how she will get back from this, Jackson.” She wipes the tears away from her face before they fall.
“I love her. All of her. The broken pieces, the whole pieces, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything. I love them. I’m not letting them go,” I tell her, hoping I have the strength for the battle I’m up against. Come hell or high water, I’m not giving up.
“She is going to fight you all the way,” Brenda says to me sadly, and I know she is.
This fight will be the fight of my life. But in the end, I’ll walk away with my heart full. I’ll walk away with the person I’ve learned that I can’t live without. The person I want my tomorrows and forevers with.
Leaving Brenda in the hallway, I make my way inside to Bella and Lilah. I walk into the hospital room, and all I see are the two small figures curled up in the bed.
Both of them are lying, looking toward the door. She will never have her back toward the door. I never noticed she did that before.
I have to step aside and calm down the anger that is running through me.
The images of her lying there in that alley bruised and beaten are something I can never erase from my mind. It’s also something I will never ever fucking let happen again.
I don’t know if she senses me or hears me, but her eye flutter open.
The swelling on her face has gone down, but still only one eye can open.
Her lips are also swollen, and she has one stitch on her lip with dried blood caked on it. I want to walk over there and take her in my arms.
Hold her, cherish her, promise her it will never happen again. But that look in her eye, I’ve seen it, it’s her hollow look.
She’s gone. The spirit that was slowly coming out is not there anymore. In its place is the same person who opened the door that first day. My vow to never stop pushing till that girl was gone for good is another reminder I failed her, again.
“What are you doing here?” she asks me in a whisper, trying not to wake Lilah up, who must have fell into a slumber as soon as she got to her mom. Brenda told me she wasn’t sleeping lately.
“I haven’t left your side since you came in,” I huff out, running my hand up my face through my hair, holding my neck after.
“I don’t want you here,” she says to me in a voice that is devoid of emotion. “I want you gone. I want to never see you again. I messed up my life once by falling in love with a monster, and I will not mess it up again by falling in love with his brother,” she says louder this time while she tries to sit up, but the pain must have been too much as she grimaced.
“We need to tal—” I walk toward her to get to her side, to touch her. Hold her hand, anything.
“We need to talk about nothing. You need to turn around and walk away. You need to forget we ever met. You need to pretend we don’t exist.” Her face is angry and hurt.
“No fucking way in hell is that happening right now or ever,” I say to her, holding my stance at the side of her bed. She needs to hear my words. She needs to see I’m not leaving without her.
“You can’t be a fucking hero to everyone. You can’t fucking save us. You can’t fucking change anything.” Her tone is hard, vicious, upset. One tear falls out of her eye. One lone tear. “Get back on your horse and leave us alone. You want to pretend to be a hero, make sure your brother never sees us. Make sure he forgets we are his.” She hisses out the last word. She’s a warrior and she geared up for war.
“I’m no one’s fucking hero, but I’m going to be yours. I’m going to make you safe again. I’m going to make sure Lilah never has the fear in her eyes that you do right now. I’m going to do that, and then we are going to get back to where we were headed before all of this happened.” My heart is pounding. The thought of never holding her again is too much to bear. The thought I could never hold her hand and just watch television is making my chest tight, making breathing hard.
“You’re a LIAR!” she yells out and sits up, no matter how much it hurts her. “You probably knew all along who I was. Did you know when we met I didn’t know he was an addict? Had no clue what drugs even were. Did you know the first time he hit me was because Lilah was crying too loudly for him, when he was trying to smoke crack? Did you know he sold MY BODY so he could get his next fix? Did you know the last time he did he tied me to the bed, after he had already landed seven punches to my face and five to my head? Did you know he then turned to his dealer and told him to have fun with me? Did you know before the dealer raped me, he hit me? Did you fucking know he locked my daughter in the closet where she heard her mother being beaten and raped while he stood in the corner with his crack pipe to his lips? Did you know I stopped believing in dreams? Nothing, nothing, is going to change that, nothing. Nothing. So please leave me to my hell. Leave me to deal with whatever God throws my way. I don’t have the energy to fight anymore, but I’ll die fighting for her to not follow into my footsteps.” Her chest is heaving, and the machines are starting to beep again.
The nurses along with Brenda rush in and take in the scene. “Bella, are you okay?” Brenda is the first one to ask.
“I’m fine, but I want him out of here.” She turns and looks at the nurse. “Call security if you have to, I want him out of here.”
Sharon, who has been the one holding my hand the whole time I sat next to her bed, turns with a sad face. “Jackson, perhaps you could come back later. Just let her rest. She needs rest.”
Looking over at Bella, I see Lilah has opened her eyes and is staring at me with a confused look. She doesn’t need this right now. None of us do.
“I’ll give you this, Bella, but just so you know, this isn’t over.”
It’s all I can get out before I leave, collapsing on the wall. My hand on my knees, my breathing coming in hard like I just ran a marathon.
I can’t fucking lose her. I won’t fucking lose her.
Chapter Thirty-One
Bella
My heart hurts more than my body with all its broken bones.
The pain in my chest is like my body is burning on fire. I sent him away. He lied to me this whole time.
“Bella, you don’t understand.” Brenda comes to sit in the chair that, apparently, Jackson has been sitting in.
“I don’t want to hear it, Brenda, not now, not tomorrow, not ever.” I look at her so she sees I’m not backing down.
I’m not going to be the girl people walk over anymore. No way. I’m taking it back.
“Okay, fine, we will talk about this when you calm down and not in front of Lilah,” Brenda says while she holds my hand.
Brenda does her best to take my mind off of everything that just happened by telling me stories of her adventure with Lilah.
My eyes never leave my girl and her smile while she chimes in with her side of the story.
The knock on the door has us both turning to look at the door where two men walk in.
I don’t recognize them, but Lilah sits up, waving. “Hi, Mick, look, Momma is up.”
“I see that Miss L,” the man Mick says. “Hi, we haven’t met yet, but I’m Jackson’s partner, Mick, and this is Officer Chris. We are actually here to ask you some questions about what happened.”
“Why?” I’m confused. They know who did this to me. Everyone knows it was Adam.
“Ms. Cartwright, my name is Chris. We have a general idea of what happened, but because no one saw you before Adam attacked you we don’t know what happened.” He takes out his notepad and pen. “Did Adam approach you or did you approach him?”
“I went to the bathroom. When I came out, I was grabbed by my arm. I didn’t see who it was till I was already in the alley.”
“So you didn’t go willingly, is that right?” he asks again.
“I’m sorry, did you think I willing went into an alley to get beaten? Why are you asking this? Where is he? Where is Adam?”
Chris just looks down at his feet, but Mick speaks up, “He got away.” The minute those words are out of his mouth I try to get off the bed.
“I have to get out of here. We aren’t safe. Lilah, we need to go.” My voice is rising. The panic is setting in. I look around to see where we can escape from. I look around to see if there is anywhere he can be hiding. The minute I try to swing my legs off the bed, my ribs feel like I’ve been stabbed.
Mick gets to me before I fall off the bed taking Lilah with me. “You are safe here. Jackson hasn’t left your side. Plus, he has security guards standing outside as well as at your house. No one is getting to you.” He places me back in bed, picking up Lilah, and holding her in his arms.
“That’s what I thought till I woke up in a hospital bed.”
“You’re safe, Ms. Cartwright,” Chris finally chimes in. “But we need to build a case to make sure he pays for this.”
I laugh out loud. “A case against him? You can’t even find him.” My body is starting to shake. The nerves racing through my body are too much for me. “You had him, and you lost him.” I shake my head. “Why, why me? Why us? He doesn’t even give a crap about us. Why would he bring me back?”
I don’t even think I want them to answer me. No, in fact, I don’t want them to. No one can answer that except Adam. The one thing I know is I’m not going to let him get close enough to us to answer that question.
“Just so you know, Jackson is having an alarm system set into place. As an extra precaution. We aren’t letting him near you guys again,” Mick says.
“I have more questions if you are up to it?” Chris says, looking at his notepad.
“How long were you and Mr. Fletcher married for?”
“I’m not married to him. We never got married.” I think I should thank my lucky stars we never actually went through with it.
“Is Mr. Fletcher Lilah’s father?”
I don’t have to say anything because Mick clears his throat, making Chris raise his eyes. The look he gives him lets him know that question isn’t going to be answered.
“Was this the first time Mr. Fletcher put his hands on you?”
“No,” my voice whispers out. My eyes go to Brenda. Her eyes fill with tears, but her hand is squeezing mine tighter.
It is one thing to know what they think of you; it is another thing to actually admit it to them.
“Has Mr. Fletcher ever harmed his child?”
“He never touched her. He did lock her in a closet once and only once. I left the day after.” I hang my head down in shame.
I let this happen to my daughter. I let him do that to her because I didn’t leave at the beginning.
“Would you be willing to file for a protective order against Mr. Fletcher? It will help in the future if he ever comes back. Now it’ll be on paper that he isn’t allowed near you,”
Chris says, waiting for my answer.
“I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign.” I look at him, then at Brenda. “I’m not the victim no more.”
“No, sweetheart, you aren’t,” Brenda says.
All this is too much for me. I’m so tired. I lay my head back on the pillow, just thinking I’m going to rest my eyes.
Till the blackness comes and takes me again, but this time I can fight it and open my eyes but only for a minute before Brenda tells me she is going to take Lilah home so I can rest, and she’ll be back tomorrow.
I feel Lilah kiss my hand then hear the door close. I don’t know if it’s a dream or not, but I feel a hand holding mine.
My hand turns over and a kiss is placed right on the inside of my wrist.
When I open my eyes, darkness has taken over and the room is empty. It was a dream, all a dream.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jackson
It’s been a week since I sat by her bed. Actually, that is a lie. Every night I go in there when I know she’s sleeping to hold her hand. To touch her, to whisper to her, to see her healing.
The nurses have been good with not telling her about my nightly visits. Mick has been calling me a stalker. I don’t give a shit as long as I can sit with her.
Her bruises have faded, the swelling is down. The stitch in her lip has been removed. The cast is supposed to come off in another month. But she is set to go home tomorrow.
She is going home where I won’t be able to touch her every night.
During the day I sit outside with whoever is on duty, only leaving to bring Lilah home or to take her to eat.
I’m flipping through the newspaper when my cell rings. Seeing my mother’s name on the screen makes me groan.
We haven’t seen each other since that day in Bella’s room.
“Hello.”
“Jackson, honey, how are you?”
“I’m good, Mom, what can I do for you?”
“How is Bella, how is Lilah?”
“She is getting better, but she isn’t talking to me, so I haven’t seen her, but I heard she looks better.”
“Jackson, why don’t you come over for lunch? I can whip something up real fast.”
“I don’t know, Mom, I don’t want to leave her ju—”
“She’ll be fine. Come on, sweetheart.”
Looking up, I know this is a showdown that has to happen.
“Fine, Mom, but I only have about thirty minutes.”
I leave my chair in the hallway, letting the nurses’ station know I’m leaving for thirty minutes and if there is anything to call me.
They just smile and nod. I’m wondering if they have a bet going on for the sappy dude sitting in the hall.
Making my way over to my mother’s, I think about how hard it will be not to see Bella. To not be able to touch her. I don’t even want to think about it.
Pulling up into my childhood home, I notice it looks the same. Just new flowers have been planted.
Walking up the stairs to the door, I open it without knocking like I always do.
The living room is in disarray; there are photo albums everywhere.
Photo albums of my childhood, photo albums of Adam’s childhood.
I walk over, picking up the album that is open to the last photo Adam ever took with us. Three weeks before he went missing.
You wouldn’t know from seeing the picture of us laughing on the front lawn with Mom in the background. It was the family BBQ and someone had just said I was pumping so much muscle I would soon blow up like the Pillsbury dough boy. Adam thought it was hilarious and poked me in the stomach, asking me to “ho ho ho.”
My mother must have heard me come in because she walks in, wiping her hands onher apron.
“What is all this?” I look around. Every single picture Adam ever took is in this room.
“Jackson, he is my son. I can’t turn my back on him.”
I throw the book against the wall. “He beat her.” I don’t stop or sugarcoat this shit. “He fucking beat her and watched as his dealer raped her while he got high. He stood there and watched.” The tears stream down her face, her hand in front of her mouth.
“Jackson, please.”
“Please what, Mom? Tell you it isn’t the truth? He threw Lilah in a closet, did you know? The whole time they beat and raped her mother, that beautiful little girl was huddling in the closet scared and confused. She listened to her mother cry and beg all night to stop. Your son did that.”
“Jackson, you don’t understand. I can’t. I thought he was dead.” Her tears silently fall down her cheeks.
“I don’t understand? Did you just say that to me? Let me tell you what I understand. I sat at a table with a three-year-old, and she told me she doesn’t like being locked in t
he closet in the dark. What you don’t understand is I will protect them with everything I have. You have to know that given the choice, I choose them over him. I’ll choose them each and every single time.”
“Jackson, he needs help. That isn’t him. You know him, he isn’t this person. We need to find him so we can get him help, so he can get better,” she says, pleading with me.
“I hope I find him. If I don’t kill him when I do, then it’ll be to arrest him so he can pay for what he did to them.”
“Jackson, please don’t do this.” She walks to me, but I hold my hand up to stop her.
“I’m not doing anything. I didn’t do anything, he did. He did this. He chose to do this. I’m taking care of what is mine, and they are mine. From the tips of my toes to the top of my head, they fucking own me. All of me.” And with that, I walk out of my childhood house, slamming the door behind me.
I walk away from the house that holds all my memories of my brother. I also walk away from the house that holds all the misery that came after my father’s death, after Adam ran away. After we searched high and low for him, coming up empty each and every time.
I remember the day he went missing. Instead of taking care of my young teenage brother who was crying out for help after losing his father, I was trying to get into Kendall’s pants.
The signs he was using drugs were all there. I just refused to believe my brother would stoop to that. To get mixed up with that.
Money started disappearing. Little things here and there went missing. Mom would turn a blind eye, trying not to see what was right in front of her face.
The first time I came face to face with a high Adam was a day before he went missing.
The bathroom door was supposed to be locked, so I just walked in. There, sitting on the toilet with a plastic rubber band tied around his arm and a needle in his vein, was my brother.
He didn’t even notice I was watching because his head was back, his eyes closed. I waited for him to open his eyes to yell at him, but when he did, I could see he wasn’t even there.
Hell And Back Page 13