Totally Joe

by James Howe

  1. 2 boys dating

  2. 2 girls dating

  3. Somebody who’s popular dating somebody who’s not popular

  4. Being popular

  On Monday, when Addie went to Mr. Kiley with a petition to start a gay-straight alliance, why did he tell her no?

  When she said, “Why not?” why did he say it was because there were too many clubs in school already?

  If that’s the truth, how come yesterday he told Royal Wilkins she could start a knitting club?

  Why did Kevin Hennessey try to rip up Addie’s petition?

  Why did he tell her that God hates fags?

  Does he really believe that?

  Do most people?

  Does God?

  LIFE LESSON:

  R is for

  RELIGION

  GET THIS! THE REASON MR. KILEY SAID NO TO THE GSA is that Kevin Hennessey’s mother is making a big stink about it! Tonight, my mom and dad came back from a school board meeting all steamed up. I could hear their voices all the way from my bedroom before they even got in the house, so of course I ran downstairs right away to find out what was going on. Jeff didn’t because a) he had his headphones on and probably didn’t hear them; b) he was undoubtedly IM-ing porn with his girlfriend, Clark; and c) he pretty much thinks my parents inhabit another planet and he’s not all that interested in what goes on there.

  Anyway, my mom walked into the house, going, “If that’s what she calls religion, thank God we don’t go to her church!”

  Normally, my dad might have laughed at this, but he was as worked up as my mom was. “We’re not taking this one sitting down, that’s for sure,” he said, and then I heard other voices and realized Addie’s parents were storming into the house, too.

  When they saw me, they got kind of hush-hush and “shouldn’t you be getting ready for bed soon?” But then my mother said, “This is Joe’s business as much as anybody’s—maybe even more—and I think it’s just fine that he knows what’s going on.”

  “He may already know,” said Graham, “since it’s all in response to Addie’s petition.”

  “Not quite all,” Lydia said. “It’s also about those ridiculous rumors.”

  “Even if they’re not rumors, even if they’re true, they’re not ridiculous. And are they so terrible that we have to bring religion into it?” My mother shook her head angrily and offered to put water on for tea.

  “What are you all talking about?” I asked.

  That’s when they started jabbering on at the same time (except my mom, who had gone into the kitchen to make tea), until Lydia, who’s a lot like Addie, took charge and told everyone to shush.

  “I’ll tell you what happened, Joe,” she said, indicating that I should sit down. I have to admit this made me feel very grown-up, even more grown-up than Jeff who, remember, was upstairs porning with Clark.

  “This Mrs. Hennessey person,” she started out, “who, by the way, I have never set eyes on before in my life, suddenly shows up at the board meeting tonight, full of God and religion—”

  “And self-righteousness,” my dad put in.

  “For a lot of people, those go hand in hand,” Lydia said. “Anyway, she claims that she heard that two boys were seen kissing at school and that several students were trying to start what she called a ‘gay club.’”

  “That would be Addie’s gay-straight alliance,” said Addie’s father.

  “He knows that, Graham.” (Lydia and Addie are so much alike.) “The point is, she’s all up in arms, and she’s gotten others to join her in some sort of religious crusade. I’m a good Christian,’ she says, ‘and my beliefs, and the beliefs of most of the people in this community’—how dare she speak for most of the people in this community?—’do not include homosexuality or any other perversion.’

  “Oh, it just galls me,” Lydia went on, her face getting all red, with the muscles in her neck starting to stand out like ropes, “that people can say things like that! And in the name of religion! Who is she to say she doesn’t believe in homosexuality, or to call it a perversion, or say she loves the sinner but hates the sin? The last time I checked, love was not a sin, and those who love were not sinners. Excuse me, Mrs. Hennessey, but what if I told you I didn’t believe in you! I’m sorry, Joe, I hope I’m not offending you with any of this.”

  Addie’s parents know I’m gay.

  I went, “Well, uh.” I had no idea what to say. I wasn’t offended, but I was kind of embarrassed. I was just hoping they weren’t going to ask about the kissing rumor.

  “Anyway,” Lydia said, “she and this little group of sheep she brought with her went on and on about ‘family values’ and the ‘sanctity of marriage’—”

  “Bottom line,” my dad put in, knowing we might be there all night if nobody cut in on Lydia once she got going, “is that she told the school board there would be ‘serious ramifications’ for Mr. Kiley if he agreed to the GSA.”

  “Meaning,” said Graham, “that she’s threatening him!”

  “I thought he already said no to the GSA,” I said.

  “He did,” Graham said, “but he didn’t shut the door entirely. Lyd and I called him after we found out he’d turned Addie down and then told another girl she could start a club. He advised us to bring it up at the school board meeting and said he would rethink it if the board was open to the idea.”

  “Interesting, isn’t it,” Addie’s mom said, “how Mrs. Hennessey somehow found out about it and showed up tonight with her little cabal?”

  I found myself wondering about Kevin’s dad and asked if he was at the meeting, too.

  “I don’t get the feeling Mr. Hennessey goes to meetings,” said Graham. “But his wife sure mentioned him often enough.”

  My father nodded. “I think he’s supposed to be the hidden weapon. You know, the big gun that Mrs. Hennessey says will come in and ‘take care of business’ if the school board doesn’t go along.”

  Lydia snorted. “Which sounds to me like he’s nothing but a big bully.”

  Like Kevin, I thought.

  I asked if I could go upstairs. I didn’t say so, but I wanted to write all this down before I forgot. Besides, I didn’t think I could handle much more worrying about the kissing rumor and whether or not I was going to have to throw up.

  So here I am, sitting at the computer in my room, thinking about the stuff Mrs. Hennessey said, and starting to feel pretty steamed myself. I mean, what gives her the right to believe in me or not? As far as I can tell, I was pretty much born the way I am. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided to like boys. And even if I did (which I didn’t), what business is it of hers?

  I know a lot of good things have been done in the name of religion, but a lot of bad things have, too. (Just pay attention in history class if you don’t believe me!) And it seems to me that hating people for what they are—and can’t help being—is definitely a bad thing.

  LATER

  I went back downstairs to get a snack, and Jeff was in the kitchen, rolling his eyes at the sound of his name being called from the living room.

  “Tell them I already went upstairs,” he hissed at me, but it was too late. Dad came in and said, “Jeff, can you join us for a minute? Oh, Joe, you’re here, too. Good, both of you come in.”

  Great. Just when I thought I might get through the night without puking.

  “We were just talking about the Hennesseys,” my mother greeted us. “What do you know about their sons? You’re in the same grade as the older one, aren’t you, Jeff? And we know you and Kevin are in the same grade,” she said to me.

  Jeff shrugged. “Cole’s a jerk,” he said.

  “Care to be a little more specific?” my dad asked.

  “He’s bad news,” Jeff answered with another shrug. I think maybe Jeff doesn’t know what “specific” means.

  “Examples?” my dad prompted.

  Jeff took a bite out of his Slim Jim. “He throws his muscles around,” he said, chewing. “He picks on anybody and e
verybody. He’s got a foul mouth. Oh, and you should see him with his brother.”

  “Kevin?” I asked.

  “Duh,” said Jeff. “What other brother does he have?”

  “So, like, what does he do?”

  “You’ve never seen him? He’s always shoving him around, kicking his butt, calling him ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ and worse. Sorry, Joe.”

  “For some of us it doesn’t get much worse than ‘fag’ and ‘queer,’” I said.

  “I said I was sorry, okay?”

  I told him okay and then said I needed to get my homework finished and go to bed. My parents couldn’t really argue with that, so they let me go without grilling me about Kevin.

  I’m not sure what I would have said about him, anyway. He sounds like a miniature version of his brother, who’s probably a miniature version of their dad. Anyway, I really didn’t want to have to talk about him, because for the first time ever I’m feeling kind of sorry for Kevin Hennessey—and I don’t like the feeling.

  All I can think of as I’m writing this is how Mrs. Hennessey was at that meeting calling herself a good Christian—and look at that family of hers!

  LIFE LESSON: Religion is only as good as the people using it.

  FEBRUARY

  S is for

  SURPRISES

  THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY SURPRISES IN MY life lately I don’t even know where to begin. I totally love surprises. Always have, always will. Like, I’m probably the only kid you’ll ever know who doesn’t ask for clues about what he’s getting for his birthday or Christmas. When I was little, I never went poking around in closets and under beds the way Jeff did, trying to find out what Santa was going to bring. And if my parents so much as uttered the words “Joe” and “birthday” in the same sentence for, like, the month before my birthday, I’d start humming or singing at the top of my lungs!

  Well, tomorrow is my thirteenth birthday and I’ve been doing a lot of humming. But mostly it’s because I’ve been pretty happy, not because anybody has been talking about presents or parties or anything.

  The reasons I’m so happy? Surprises.

  Surprise #1

  Aunt Pam came up for my birthday and she’s going to stay for the weekend! She told my mom and dad on the phone that since she pierced my ear for Christmas, she’s getting me a tattoo for my birthday. You should have seen their faces for the ten seconds they believed her!

  (I wish you could know Aunt Pam. She is so cool.)

  (No Surprise #1: I miss her.)

  Surprise #2

  Mr. Kiley said yes to the GSA! Well, almost yes. After Addie’s and my parents went to talk to the school superintendent—at which time they pointed out a few laws they said the school might be in violation of if they didn’t allow a GSA—and after Mr. Daly said he would be the club advisor, it was easier for Mr. Kiley to say he would seriously consider it just as soon as No-Name Day was over. Mr. Kiley even called Addie into his office to talk about it with him and Mr. Daly, so we know he means it.

  Addie said that at the meeting Mr. Daly told them he has a son in college who is gay. He said, “It probably helps when you know someone, but that really shouldn’t matter. Civil rights are civil rights. And everybody deserves respect.” The next day, he gave Addie this button his son had sent him. It says IF GAY AND LESBIAN PEOPLE ARE GIVEN CIVIL RIGHTS EVERYONE WILL WANT THEM. How cool is that? I am so going to ask Aunt Pam to try and find that one for me.

  Anyway, Mr. Kiley asked Addie to keep the whole GSA thing quiet for now. He said he needs time to “determine a strategy for dealing with certain members of the community who might object.”

  I didn’t tell him, but I already have a strategy: If Mrs. Hennessey opens her big yap about how Jesus loves everybody but me, I’m going to say that maybe her sons are acting a little less loving than Jesus would want them to—and then I’m going to tell her everything Kevin has ever said or done to me!

  (I can’t believe I just wrote that. Please, God, don’t let Kevin Hennessey get his hands on this notebook!!!!)

  Surprise #3

  SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST Colin and I are friends again!

  We’re not that kind of friends, but we’re friends.

  It happened a week ago, on Friday night.

  Dad had dropped Bobby and me off at the video store while he went to pick up pizza for dinner, and who was there but Colin and Drew. We kind of nodded and said hey when we saw each other, and then Bobby and I started looking at the “Star Power” section, while Colin and Drew went to the back to check out action DVDs. Bobby really wanted to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I wanted to see Terms of Endearment It was your basic Jack Nicholson standoff.

  All of a sudden, I heard Colin say, “Go with Cuckoo’s Nest It’s excellent.”

  “Sold!” said Bobby as he grabbed Terms of Endearment out of my hands and shoved it back on the shelf. Before I could say anything, he’d run off to join Drew in the checkout line.

  Colin and I stood there looking at each other. Or not looking at each other. But not moving, either.

  Finally, I said, “What are you and Drew getting?”

  Colin blushed and mumbled something about Matrix.

  “Kee-ah-nu,” I said, drawing it out to make it sound meaningful, like when Grandma Lily says, “Still.”

  “Right,” he said, and blushed even harder.

  Drew called his name and they left, and that would have been that, EXCEPT that later, after Bobby went home, I was writing an e-mail to Aunt Pam when I got an IM from GUESS WHO!!!

  blackbirdboy: how was cuckoos nest

  phonehome217: good / jack nicholson is weird / how was matrix 12?

  blackbirdboy: very funny / it was #3 revolutions / my fave

  phonehome217: i know

  blackbirdboy: keanu is awesome

  phonehome217: ooo, somebody likes keanu

  blackbirdboy: cut it out

  phonehome217: when are you going to

  phonehome217: sorry I hit send by mistake

  blackbirdboy: I have a present for you

  phonehome217: ????????????

  blackbirdboy: its yr bday next week, right?

  phonehome217: yes

  blackbirdboy: I have a present… a way of saying sorry

  phonehome217: for what?

  blackbirdboy: being a jerk / saying you should tone down your act

  phonehome217: you said I HAD toned down my act

  blackbirdboy: I guess I wanted you to … cause it was embarrassing to me … cause I thought people would think I was like you

  phonehome217: wow you sure wouldn’t want them to think THAT!!

  blackbirdboy: that was dumb, sorry … what I meant was … you’re different, ok? And that’s cool, but I don’t want to be different. Is that so terrible?

  I was all set to write, “How about just being who you are?” but then I thought that sounded kind of preachy, like I was telling Colin how he was supposed to be. And I suddenly realized I didn’t have any more right to do that to him than he had to do it to me. So instead I wrote:

  phonehome217: do what you have to do. it’s okay, honest.

  blackbirdboy: really?

  phonehome217: really

  blackbirdboy: so we’re friends?

  phonehome217: hmm … when do i get my present?

  blackbirdboy: LOL / tomorrow?

  phonehome217: can’t tomorrow / wait, better idea—come to my party—next Saturday night

  blackbirdboy: OK

  phonehome217: I have a present for U2

  blackbirdboy: but my bday isn’t until Aug

  phonehome217: it’s leftover from Christmas / I’ve been keeping it under my bed

  blackbirdboy: LOL / yr present is leftover from Christmas too / it’s been sitting on my desk / great, now that I told you I’ll have to get you a second present for your birthday

  phonehome217: no you don’t / WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING? Second present: good.

  blackbirdboy: LOL

  phonehome
217: TTFN

  blackbirdboy: TTFN

  So Colin and I are friends again—AND he’s coming to my birthday party. And I could tell it all makes him happy, too, because he was doing a lot of LOL-ing there at the end. And … Oh. My. God. I forgot—there’s one more surprise.

  Surprise #4

  Zachary is coming to my party, too!

  LIFE LESSON: Jack Nicholson is weird.

  T is for

  THIRTEEN

  MY PARTY WAS ON SATURDAY AND IT WAS AWESOME. I’m going to tell you all about it, but first let me tell you how it happened that Zachary was there. We were standing in the lunch line together on Friday (he’s been eating at our table for about a couple of weeks now) when he said to me, “So, how’s your alphabiography going?”

  I told him good, and then I said, “Mr. Daly isn’t making you write one, is he?”

  When he said yes, I went, “That is totally unfair! You just moved here, and everybody else has had since October.”

  “Mr. Daly is giving me an extra month to get mine in,” he explained. “And he said I could write short chapters. Oh, my goodness, I don’t know what I would do if I had to write long ones!”

  I was wondering if I should say something to him about the “oh, my goodness” thing when I noticed how he was picking up a pat of butter for his roll. Then I thought maybe I should say something about not keeping his pinky finger in the air like that. Oh. My. God. I was turning into his Guy-Guy Advisor!

  Luckily, before I could say anything to him, he said (there’s a reason I’m telling you all this), “It’s hard to think of something for every letter, though, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, like Z,” I said. “You’re lucky your name is Zachary.”

  He nodded, then said, “What about X? There’s nothing but—”

  “Xylophone!” we both shouted.

  We broke out laughing, and I noticed his dimples again. I could feel myself starting to blush, which meant I had to pull an emergency change of subject. So I asked him what he was doing over the weekend. He just shrugged and said, “Nothing. It’s hard making friends here.”