I’d done the right thing and got fucked. No more. Poor Michelle had no idea what she was in for. And if she fought me, which I was hoping she wouldn’t, then she’d get her first taste of Savage.
She’d only ever known the gentler side of me, and now was not the time to introduce her to the other. Hopefully she’d never see that side of me. My hope is to keep her as far away from that side of me as possible.
I walked towards her bedroom with her hand in mine, dragging her along behind me, that slight tremble giving her away. Thank fuck it was still there. That time hadn’t erased what she once felt for me. I was putting a lot of stock in a simple thing like a tremble in her hand, but I’d take whatever the hell I could get.
In the room I moved to the closet and started grabbing shit off of hangers. I threw her a top and a pair of jeans. “ Get dressed. Where’s your overnight bag? Pack what you need for tomorrow.”
She opened her mouth again to argue but there was nothing she could say to steer me off my course. She hadn’t screamed bloody murder, hadn’t yelled for me to get out. That was enough for me to know that whatever she was feeling, there was still hope.
The Shelly I knew would’ve slammed the door in my face if she wasn’t interested. Then again she also knew that I’d break the shit down and she never did like to make a scene.
“Save it princess.” Princess, it had been years since I’d called anyone that. The endearment brought me up short as it opened the door to more memories and I turned to her taking her face in my hands.
Now it was I who trembled, to feel her soft skin under my hands again. I wanted to savor, to dive right in here and now, but that wasn’t the plan.
Looking deep into her eyes, I saw a mix of longing, uncertainty and dare I hope just a remnant of what she once held in her heart for me?
I was holding everything dear to me, all that I held dear in the world, was right here in my hands and I knew it. She was my last link to humanity, to the man I once was. We studied each other for what seemed like forever but was only a few seconds at most.
I had one moment of doubt. Could I bring her into my life now? Knowing what I had become, what laid ahead, the things I still had yet to do? Would it be fair to take her to my bed? Fuck yes.
I kissed her forehead and put her away from me. Not here not now. I returned to my task while she stood there and watched.
I found a bag on the shelf in her closet and went through her clothes looking for something suitable for work. I chose a suit and some shoes since she seemed stuck on the spot.
“Baby, get dressed.” She stood just where I’d left her and watched me as I stuffed the clothes into the bag.
When that was done, I turned to take care of her. Without saying a word, I pushed the robe off her shoulders and pulled the tee shirt down over her head.
“Your jeans can fit over your sleep shorts. Lift.” She lifted her legs wordlessly and stepped into her pants.
Once she was dressed, I looked around for shoes and grabbed a pair of tennis shoes, shoving them onto her feet. I didn’t waste any movements, didn’t give her a chance to argue. By the time she came to her senses, I wanted to be a million miles away.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed her hand and started leading her out. “Nick, I don’t think this is a good idea. You…”
“Not here, not now. We’ll talk when we get home.”
I practically dragged her out the door with her hand held securely in one of mine, and her stuff in the other. The guard looked up from his phone, but went right back to whatever he was doing.
Once out in the night air, I breathed a sigh of relief. She was still nervous but I was hoping to put all that to rest before the night was gone.
“Nick…” her voice trembled.
“Shh, it’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay now.” I helped her onto my ride and climbed on before pulling out, and headed for home.
There were no words spoken between us as I ate up the pavement in my rush to get her home. I’d prepared myself for everything but the way I’d feel being this close to her again.
I wasn’t sure how much she knew about my life since the murders or even in the years before. Until the day of the funeral we hadn’t spoken to each other in almost thirteen years, she was in for a surprise.
I felt her body shake as I pulled into the long driveway. Her arms around my middle went slack before tightening again. I helped her off and stood beside her looking up at the house.
“You bought it.” Her words were barely above a whisper but I heard her all the same. I also heard the deep-rooted emotion in those three little words.
There was so much I wanted to say to her in that moment, but I didn’t. There will be time enough for that later.
“Yes.” The old Victorian had always been her dream house. When we were too young and too stupid to understand that life was fucked, she had fallen in love with the place and woven dreams around her and I living in the drafty old house and raising a hundred kids there together.
Standing here now under the moonlight with her finally at my side where she belonged, I was able to breathe for the first time since I put my son in the ground.
“Come.” I held her hand tighter and led her up the steps to the front door. I didn’t do anything as sappy as carrying her over the threshold, but the solid click of the door behind us was just as poignant.
“Welcome home.” She looked up at me with that look I remembered so well. After all this time it was still there, if with a touch of wariness added in.
I guess it was going to be up to me to erase that shit in the future. For now, it was enough just having her here at last.
I wrapped my hand around her nape and held her in place, just looking at her, soaking her in. I felt life seep back into me as I stood there looking down at her.
“Nick what are you doing?”
“Reclaiming my life.” I didn’t have to explain that to her. I was sure she knew exactly what I was saying.
I wouldn’t trade the time I’d had with my son, but there was no way I was ever letting her get away from me again.
“Have a look around, let me know if there’s anything you want changed.”
“Nick, you can’t just walk back into my life without warning and expect we’re going to pick up where we left off. I have a life.”
“Yes I know, and I know thirteen years ago I hurt you and I’m sorry, but I can’t, no I won’t live another day without you. I’m not going to let you go again Shelly. There’s nothing you can say to make that happen.”
She walked away when I reached for her and I let her, for now. She turned to look at me once she was what she thought was a safe distance away.
“That’s all old news, we’ve both moved on with our lives, this is crazy…”
“Shelly, before you say anything else remember, I know you. I know everything about you. I know how you feel in my arms. I know what it means when you tremble for me, the way you still do.” She swallowed hard and looked away.
“None of that matters anymore, we can’t go back in time and change the past.” She wrapped her arms around herself and started to pace. Nothing had changed. She used to do the same thing when we were young. It’s what she did whenever she had something on her mind.
“The hell we can’t. Look, I fucked up. I robbed us of the life we were supposed to have. But you will never convince me that you don’t still love me because I never stopped loving you.”
The tears started then. Big fat tears that gathered in her eyes before rolling down her cheeks. If there was one thing I could never handle, it’s her tears.
I walked over and took her into my arms, my heart hurting for her and for me. For the two young people we used to be. “Please don’t cry. I don’t think I can bear it if I make you shed one more tear over me.” I held her head against my chest, so precious.
“I hate you.” She tried pushing me away but I held on even tighter.
“I know.” I kissed her hair, just ha
ppy to have her back in my arms again after all this time even though she wanted to kill my ass.
She fought me, pounding her tiny fists into my back, but I refused to let go even when she screamed epithets at me in between heartbreaking tears.
“Shh, baby, you’re breaking my heart.” When she didn’t stop I spoke to her softly saying all the things a man in my position could possibly say at a time like this. Hoping I would get through to her somehow.
We’d hashed out a lot of this in the beginning when shit first went to hell for us. She’d poured out all the hurt and betrayal back then. Words that have haunted me from time to time over the years.
Knowing that I’d bruised the heart of the one person I’d loved more than anything had almost destroyed me. Now I was hoping we could pick up the pieces and move on.
“I never meant to hurt you. I would’ve taken it all back if I could, but I had to be there for my son. I never gave my heart to anyone else I promise. But I had to be there for him because he was innocent in all this. Don’t hate me anymore please. I don’t think I could stand it if you did.”
A little bit of the old me cracked the surface and a glimmer of light shone through the darkness that I had become.
“I don’t really hate you, I’ve never hated you.” Her voice held so much pain, so much raw emotion, but her words were like balm to my damaged soul.
“I came close…you destroyed me Nick. We were supposed to have a life together. You made that life with someone else. You had a child, the child that was supposed to be ours, to be mine…”
She broke down and had I not been holding her up would’ve fallen to her knees, and my heart shattered into a million pieces.
“I’m so sorry, so sorry Princess. Forgive me, I love you.” I closed my eyes as those words washed over me. It had been so long since I’d said them out loud, said them to her.
“I missed you sweetbaby.” She cried harder and louder and tried pulling out of my arms.
“What-what is it?” I pulled her head back and looked down at her tear stained face.
“Sweetbaby, I haven’t heard that in so long I never thought never…” She started hyperventilating and I worked on calming her down.
“Come ‘ere.” I pulled her face into my chest and hugged her close. “It’s okay I’m here now and I’m never going away again, ever.” I held her through her tears running my hands up and down her back soothingly.
“You’ve always been my sweetbaby, even when you weren’t. Do you believe me?” She nodded her head against my chest and I held her tighter.
I was hard as fucking steel, bad fucking timing. She was falling apart and all my dick knew was that his pussy was home after being gone for way too long.
I thought of pulling away before she noticed but decided what the fuck for. Shouldn’t she know that I’d always had this in me for her? That it had never died no matter what else was going on in our lives?
“Did you sleep with her? Stupid question, of course you did, you were married for almost twelve years.” She struggled against me harder now and I fought to hold on.
“Don’t, don’t do that. I can’t go back and change any of it. If I could we never would’ve argued and you never would’ve gone away.” And then I wouldn’t have known my son. Fuck, will this ever end? When is this pain going to end? One night in the backseat of a car and it was still ruling everything in my life.
“Okay, I guess you need to hear this, it’s only fair. Come sit down.” I sat her down but couldn’t stand still myself. I paced back and forth as I tried to come up with the right words while she curled herself into the chair with tears drying on her face.
No matter what I said it wasn’t going to erase what was, but maybe if I could find the right words it’ll help ease the pain.
“Okay, we both know what happened when we were kids. I may regret that but I will never regret my son, don’t ask me to.” That was probably not fair. The girl I knew would never do such a thing.
But I needed her to know that I would always love my son, that he would always be a part of my life. I won’t let his memory die, but there was something else I could give her.
“Dee and I, well, we knew we had to make it work for Brandon’s sake. She knew that I wasn’t in love with her, that my heart belonged to you. She lived with that everyday and there was nothing I could do to change it.”
“I gave her an out, told her she could go any time since I was never going to return her feelings for me, but she said no.” She made some kind of huffing sound that I thought it best to ignore for now. I’m pretty sure there was no love lost between her and the woman we’d both blamed for coming between us, and our dreams.
“I tried everything I could to make things work for everyone. I never wanted to leave my son, but there were days, when it got to be too much. That’s when I would try to come up with some way to get out. She knew that I would run right to you. I knew that she knew, and that’s why even when we were making each other miserable she wouldn’t let go. But I had to think of Brandon, and in doing so I hurt you.”
As I said it, I realized how much I was asking of her. Why should she forgive, why should she trust again? I had to make her see, had to make her understand.
“No one else is to blame here but me, I know this. I also know that there is no way in hell I’m ever letting you go again. What you don’t seem to understand is that I was suffering too. You seem to think I was living this cushy little life, I wasn’t; it was hell. Every second away from you I died a little more each day.”
“I felt like a monster because I couldn’t love the mother of my son even when she did everything she could to get me to. I hated her sometimes, hated her for keeping me away from you, for what happened that night. It was a vicious cycle that had no end. Until some fucker killed my son and his mother.”
That was another guilt I had to live with, that my new life, any happiness I will find with Michelle now, was because they were gone.
“I know what we meant to each other Shelly, that kind of love doesn’t just die. I won’t let you rob us of any more time. I won’t let us both pay for the same mistake over and over again. Not when there’s a chance that we can get it back. That we can find that happiness again.”
She hadn’t said a word this whole time, just sat there listening as I talked it all out. “You’re mine Shell, you always have been and always will be. Even when I was off living another life as selfish as it sounds, you were still mine. Do you know I started counting down the years until Brandon went off to college?”
She gave me a look of surprise then. “Yes it’s true. I was going to file for divorce as soon as that happened. I spent many a night praying that you didn’t find someone by then. That you wouldn’t go on without me. I’m a bastard I know, but so help me if you had it wouldn’t have mattered.”
I walked over and knelt down in front of her. Taking her face in my hands I stared into her eyes so she would know that I was telling her the truth. She’s always known me well enough. It was something else we shared, that knowledge of one another.
“You can be mad at me for as long as you need to be to get it out of your system, but you will never spend another day away from me again. I won’t let that happen sweetheart, I can’t. All those dreams we once shared, all the things we once told each other that we would build together one day, I want them. Starting with this house.”
We both turned to look around the living room, which was as far as we’d got. I’d never been inside after she left until the day I bought it. I couldn’t stand the idea of being here without her.
Then after the murders, after I’d got my head back on straight, and I’d started plotting to get her back, it was the first thing I’d thought of.
The place had been a steal. It had sat empty for almost thirty years. No one had any interest in the old drafty monster that was a throwback to an old nineteen-thirties black and white film.
But she’d loved it. She’d had a million ideas of what she wou
ld do with it once we bought the six-bedroom monstrosity. That’s why after I’d bought it for peanuts all I’d done was take care of the structural damage and fixed up the master suite.
It had been therapeutic for me to work on this place, our place, while I’d been plotting and scheming in my head. While I sawed, sanded and caulked, I’d planned both the demise of my enemies, and the recapture of her heart.
I never let myself think of failure; never let myself imagine anything but this. Finally having her here with me.
“Remember sweetbaby? We were going to have five kids to fill those bedrooms. We were going to fill this place with love and laughter the way it’s supposed to be.” I closed my eyes against the pain of other children.
My gut hurt at yet one more thing I might have to take from her but it couldn’t be helped. I couldn’t let her go, and I don’t think I could go through the loss of another child.
But what about her? It had always been her dream. Could I do it? Could I give her the children she’d always wanted to share with me?
The thought scared me. So I put it away for now, and just enjoyed the moment.
We stood in that living room with my arms wrapped around her from behind, looking out the large bay window onto the lawn where the moonlight cast shadows from the row of hundred-year old oaks.
I inhaled her scent and reveled in the fact that she was actually here. That her heart was actually beating beneath the arms I had wrapped around her.
She softened enough to let her body relax back against mine. Not fully, but at least she wasn’t fighting me anymore. I was a confusing riot of emotion. I felt elation, fear, and stubborn determination.
The hard part was over I told myself. I’d gotten her this far, and though we still had much to work out between each other, tonight we’d come farther than I’d ever hoped to again.
There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much left unsaid between us. I wanted us to get past the past and look to the future. I’d spent way too long regretting the choices I’d made.
Savage: A Second Chance at Love Page 5