I learnt staying silent maintained peace and harmony in our home. On days I opened my mouth, she opened it wider and bigger, until we’d yell our lungs out at each other after which she’d sob in one corner and I’d drink in the other. There was a spectacular satisfaction achieved in watching those tears roll down her cheeks.
After all she’d been the one who made them appear in my eyes in the first place.
36. Captain’s story – 13
1981, Nagpur
‘Why the hell did you not tell me about Rajiv and Swati’s wedding?’ I stomped into our flat right after work one day and gave out.
Close to two months had passed after the revelation of her abortion and we weren’t in talking terms, if yelling and screaming at each other doesn’t qualify, that is to say. She held a gloomy face all day as if I was responsible for everything. When she was around with that sullen look and weary eyes, it felt that I had to be the worst husband ever as if I’d been inflicting a case of domestic violence on her. I ignored her outright and engulfed myself in alcohol.
But then today, I couldn’t keep the anger to myself. Rajiv had showed up at my workplace and admonished me for not making it to his wedding. He said Swati had personally handed over their wedding card to Shikha and exhorted us to be a part of it. A distant relative of her had organized the wedding in a banquet hall and naturally they were excited about it. It was a far cry from our wedding in that shady district court.
And Shikha never even told me about it. Obviously, she couldn’t attend the wedding alone and perhaps she’d be embarrassed in the company of a loser.
She sat on the bed and casually read a magazine.
‘SHIKHA!’ The blood in my veins boiled. ‘I’m asking you something, will you stop ignoring me like that.’
She looked up, away from me, ran a finger on her temple and appeared lost in thoughts.
‘Of course, I told you,’ she replied finally, her eyes settling back on the magazine.
‘At least look at me when you lie,’ I said, moving closer. ‘God damn it!’
‘I’m not lying, I did tell you,’ she repeated her lie with the same fervour.
‘No, you didn’t, you liar,’ I snapped. ‘Why would you even lie about that? Are you ashamed of even going out with me now? They are our friends; that’s the least we could’ve done for them. Or now, you consider even them losers because’ - I held out my hands and made quotation marks with my fingers – ‘they are poor like me.’
‘OK, fine!’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘If that’s what you want to think, go ahead, I don’t care. But I thought I told you.’ She ran a languid hand through her hair.
‘Oh yeah, right, now you thought you told me,’ I said before storming out the room.
The following evening in my drinking session, I decided to make up for our absence at their wedding. The least we could’ve done is getting them a nice present. After my drink, I headed toward Shikha and braced myself for another taxing conversation.
I asked her for some money and my intention of a gift. It’s weird, I thought, to be asking for money from her and justify its need when I did all the hard work.
‘I don’t have any,’ she muttered under her breath.
‘But I just gave you few days back,’ I squealed in anger, ‘my entire salary!’
‘You did?’ She raised her eyebrow at me. ‘When? I don’t remember.’
‘Oh God!’ I clenched my fists. ‘What’s wrong with you? Last Tuesday…I think.’
She had a faraway look in her eyes. I waited for her to respond.
‘Sorry,’ she finally spoke with an air of indifference, ‘but I think now you are lying. You spend way too much money on your alcohol, you didn’t give me anything.’
With that she brazed past me toward the living room.
‘Close the door,’ she said. ‘I’m going for a walk.’
I could see what she was doing, irritating me on purpose. But why? What’s wrong with her? Am I such a bad husband, just because I don’t earn enough? She doesn’t tell me about my best friend’s wedding so she doesn’t need to be with me and get embarrassed; she doesn’t talk to me, ignores my presence, blows whatever little I earn, and pretends I’m a fool who would believe her lame excuse of not remembering.
We shouldn’t have married; I came to the conclusion few days later. Perhaps marriage torpedoes the love between humans. And that’s exactly what happened in our case.
Then two days later came the day of our second quarterly anniversary. I laughed at the thought of it. We spent the entire day away from each other. I wasn’t sure if she even remembered it and couldn’t care any less.
That night a thought occurred to me. Who knows this might just be our last quarterly anniversary?
Then later, I kicked myself for entertaining such a negative thought. Of course, things would get better, I hoped.
37. Captain’s story – 14
1981, Nagpur
It is heartbreaking to think that the enormous love you once had for your wife was diminishing. As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling distraught about our situation.
I’m not sure if I could say that I still loved her, but even then, I couldn’t bring myself to the affirmation that I didn’t love her either. There was still a corner in my heart that wept for her, everyday. Should I give our relation another chance?
Perhaps we’d come too far in our marriage for any hopes of rapprochement, or perhaps, not. We’d loved each other close to decade until we got married; this is certainly not the way this was supposed to end.
OK, then!
I got up from the couch. I’ll give us one last shot.
‘But what happened?’ Rajiv said, curiosity manifest in his eyes. ‘You guys were madly in love.’
I had ordered a cup of coffee and Rajiv ordered tea. We sat in a small dhaba near my workplace during our lunch break. I couldn’t handle the confusion alone and Rajiv was my best bet for it. As I looked up at him, I could see his eyes staring back at me in concern. Obviously, neither he nor Swati had even an inkling of our messed up relationship.
‘Yeah, Rajiv,’ I said, disappointment lurking loud and clear in my voice. ‘That’s what marriage does to you, suddenly responsibility and money becomes more important than love.’
‘Huh!’ He crossed his arms around his chest. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, my friend,’ I said, nodding. ‘She even got our child aborted for that reason.’
‘WHAT?’ The cup almost fell from his hand. He banged it on the saucer and leaned forward in his chair. ‘But why? You guys were so excited about it.’
‘Yeah, I know,’ I said, offering a faint smile that faded as quickly as it had turned up. ‘I thought that too, but for Shikha, apparently, money was the concern.’ I shook my head and sipped my coffee. ‘She said I don’t earn enough to have a family,’ I added dejectedly.
‘That’s ridiculous,’ he said with an air of finality. ‘When did money come between you guys?’
‘Exactly,’ I said, ‘that’s what I told her. Wonder when that became so important to her.’
‘Oh God!’ he said and threw his right leg on the other. ‘So much has happened and you are telling me this now, wonder how Swati would react to all this. Shikha hasn’t mentioned a word about this to her.’ He narrowed his eyes and thought for a while. ‘Yeah, she hasn’t, else she’d have told me, surely.’
‘How would she tell her?’ I said. ‘She is embarrassed to have me as her husband as I’m a labourer, earn peanuts. I’m just not good enough for her now. And you know why we didn’t turn up for your wedding?’ I asked him but then continued without expecting an answer. ‘She didn’t even tell me about it, maybe she’s embarrassed even in my company.’
Rajiv’s face crinkled in disagreement. ‘No, that can’t be true, why would you say that?’
‘So why else do you think, huh?’ I asked firmly, ordering another coffee.
He let out a sigh and brought his hand to his chin, twiddli
ng his finger around it. He glanced at me from across the table and then turned his gaze away. I could see he was thinking…but what?
‘I don’t think,’ he spoke finally after his rumination, ‘that you guys should give up on each other so soon.’
‘So then, please, tell me what should I do?’
‘OK, here’s the thing…’
We sat there for two more hours and he managed convincing me that all is not lost. He told me that I don’t need any advice on love and it wouldn’t be too difficult for a romantic like me to rekindle our relationship. Actually, I told him, I thought likewise. I promised him I’ll talk it out with Shikha and address our issues instead of ignoring them. He also exhorted me to give up on the alcohol and once again I said, will do.
The same evening, I sat on my bed and wondered how to break the ice with her. She was in another room as lately even our presence in the same room gnawed at us. I perked myself up and marched into her room. As usual a gloomy face greeted me.
‘Listen um…Shikha,’ I shifted from one foot to the other. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Yeah,’ she croaked and rose toward a cabinet on her left. She pulled out a paper from a drawer and walked toward me.
‘Here,’ she said handing it to me.
‘What’s this?’ I asked curiously, slowly opening the paper. My jaw dropped at the sight of it. ‘WHAT? YOU WANT A DIVORCE?’
She nodded slowly. ‘Yes.’
My body froze. I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling. Inside my heart sprang into action and banged loudly against my chest. I read the letter, re-read it, and then one last time. The initial feeling of distress gave way to anger and I scrunched up the paper in a ball and threw on her face.
‘You bitch, what do you think of yourself?’
‘Shekhar,’ she said firmly. ‘I don’t want to have any argument here, just sign the papers and leave me alone.’
I took a step closer and launched myself at her, slapping her once, twice, and then a third time.
‘WHY? Are you having an affair with someone?’
She stood motionless but her eyes, those eyes, the way they panicked; it was…as if…
A chilling sensation ran through my body and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
‘Oh my God! You are having an affair?’ Suddenly my breathing grew heavier. ‘You are having an affair, aren’t you?’ I thumped my forehead with my arms. Tears gushed out from my eyes. ‘Since…since when?’
‘That’s…none of your business, Shekhar,’ she sobbed, cradling her face in her hands. ‘Please, please sign the papers and go.’
‘OF COURSE, I WILL!’ I ran one hand to wipe away the tears of my eyes and gathered the paper with the other. ‘You know…’ I said, struggling to draw out words through my choked throat, ‘…I blamed myself for everything, and today, I thought I would resolve our issues, but…you gave me this. I loved you so much and you were…having an affair all this while.’
Without further ado I signed the papers and threw them back on her face.
‘Here,’ I sniffled. ‘Enjoy yourself. I’m out of here and never want to see your face again.’
Amidst high-pitched wails of Shikha, I packed my luggage, washed my face, and stormed out the house.
Next morning, I boarded a train to Mumbai and never returned to Nagpur.
38. TODAY, 25th June 2011
Transiting Indian Ocean
‘And then what happened?’ I have never been so intrigued with someone else’s story. And that too, a love story of a fifty year old man.
I glance at our Captain. Tears well up in his eyes and he finds it difficult to speak. He doesn’t reply and there is a morose look on his face. I notice a gentle quiver in his stance, and I understand. He hasn’t completed his story and tells me that the worse is still to come. What can be worse? I wonder. I mean getting a divorce from your childhood sweetheart just few months after marriage is tragic enough.
Pensively he looks ahead from our steaming ship Adriatic Wave toward a sight that is quintessential of a beautiful evening. The moon is full and over a million stars gleam from above us, shining and lending their luminosity to the late evening sky which is predominantly clear. The dark grey water below bathes in the ivory hue of the moon. There is a light breeze which adds to the serenity of the Indian Ocean.
‘Ronit, do you see something ahead on the horizon, perhaps fine on the starboard bow,’ Captain asks me, wiping his moist eyes, ‘a boat maybe?’ A stark hollowness has understandably crept in his voice.
I pick up the binoculars and adjust my vision through them. Frankly I am so much caught up in his story that I am hardly interested.
‘No, sir,’ I reply nonchalantly, ‘probably a low altitude star.’ I was hardly looking.
I want to know more, dwell deeper into his heart. I want to know why even after the divorce with his wife some three decades ago, he is still madly in love with her?
I presume he is crazy, like all other ship Captains are, particularly at the age of fifty. After spending more than half of their life at sea, all these guys are left with is poignant thoughts. I mean how else can one love someone forever?
And he hasn’t even seen her in the past thirty years.
Few minutes later the pirates boarded…
PART - 3
39. So what happened then?
August 2011, Somewhere in Somalia
So then why do you still love her?
I’ve been meaning to ask him this question since the last two months and have failed miserably at it. And where the hell is your mistake?
Captain is sitting toward my left on the far side of the bridge, his head propped against the bulkhead. There are more than ten crewmembers between us and there is no way he can tell me the answers, if at all I am able to ask those questions, that is to say.
He told me that afternoon – before the pirates boarded, close to two months back - that it was his entire fault; he couldn’t understand his wife after their marriage. I’m not sure if I’ll ever agree with that. That bitch got the abortion done, that bitch maligned his father and then Captain for not earning enough, that bitch wanted the divorce, not him, and the worst of all – she had an extra marital affair? With so much love around, how could she?
Instead of hating her, he…loves her? Three decades after their divorce…?
I draw an audible gasp of breath. Apart from struggling with these questions, I can’t come to terms with what happened to my own life? As much as I hate Aisha, I can’t bring myself to the acquiescence that I would divorce her. Of course, not even a shred of doubt exists in my mind about it, but still it’s…sad is probably the closest I can get in describing it.
And as if that isn’t pitiable enough, pirates have made our life hellish. Try as I might, I can never get those ghastly images of the second officer’s body in flames off my mind or his painful shrieks from my ears. The third engineer’s broken jaw and teeth is another gruesome sight and I try my best to avoid steering my eyes in his direction. Since that incident no one has dared to break their laws. No one! Not even Captain! If we need to move from our place for any reason, we raise our hand and take their permission. We never gaze at them and always cooperate with every single of their demand.
Then be it dancing naked in front of them.
It is the last week of August, and still, there’s no news from our company about their intention of paying ransom and getting us released. The leader of the pirates boards our ship at regular intervals and orders Captain to plead to the company. After his calls he leaves us to the mercy of his heavily guarded companions – some thirty, forty of them at any given time all around the ship who work on twelve hour shifts.
Other than Captain no one has been allowed to make a call to their family after that first time. If Aisha is aware of my plight, I can’t say. I had told mom about the hijack on the phone but I’m not sure if they are in talking terms. But what I can say for sure is she’d give a damn about it.
Food
and water have become a luxury here. With no fixed timing and served just once in a day we’d devour it in minutes. But as I said earlier, the wait is excruciating. It’s almost evening now and it hasn’t arrived yet.
‘CAPTAIN!’ The distant bellow of one of them makes all of us turn our head to the voice. One of the pirate charges his way toward him, the heels of his brown boots evoking a clattering sound against the bridge floor.
‘CAPTAIN!’ he howls, his raspy voice portending trouble. ‘Clearly your fucking company is not interested in the life of its crewmembers, still no news of our money, huh? So now, we have to do something captain. Some of you must…,’ he proclaims, removing the gun slung around his shoulder and placing it in front of him, ‘DIE!’
There is a collective gasp from all of us. A wave of trepidation sweeps past the bridge. Within seconds the room gets filled with hushed murmurs. I am greeted with frightened looks wherever I look. Are they serious? Are they really going to kill us? Anxious faces turn all around and finally settle at Captain for some sort of…assurance. Please help us, sir.
‘No, no…,’ Captain says, slowly rising to his feet; the burden of expectations weighing down on him. He folds his hands. ‘Please, please, don’t do any such thing. I’m trying my best to get your money. The company-’
‘SHUT UP CAPTAIN!’ The pirate takes a step forward and slaps him twice, his hands running back and forth across Captain’s face. Three other pirates walk up to him and stand behind, glaring down at Captain. ‘You’re not trying your best, you bastard; else we already get our money…’ He draws an ominous sigh and turns toward us, his eyes scanning as if deciding who he would…kill first.
Love Lasts Forever Page 16