by T. N. Cole
“What are we doing now?” she chirped.
I glanced at her incredulously. “What do you mean ‘what are we doing now?’ I’m dropping you off at your apartment. Bye.”
“You can at least try not to be a jackass every once in a while and act like my presence isn’t a burden on you,” she muttered.
Fuck. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration—at both her and myself. I just really didn’t know what to do with her. I wasn’t used to anyone who actually wanted to be around me, not since Mel.
It’s definitely not a picnic to be with you, Mel laughed. So, I have no idea what this chick is up to.
Finally, I rubbed my face and said, “Well, I’m off to study. I have to take my MCAT sometime soon. I don’t know what you’re doing.”
“I have one more midterm left. I need to study. Oh, let’s study together!” She bounced a little in excitement.
I couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Are we studying here, then?”
“Uhhh, wait—” She leaned forward in her seat. “Yeah no, I see my car which means my roommate is here, and I don’t want to subject you to her just yet. I’m just gonna run up and grab my other textbooks then we can go to your place?”
I nodded slowly, but she was already jumping out of the car. I had never had a girl over at my apartment. Ever. So, why was I letting her come over? Hell, if I knew. I was too distracted by that envelope burning a hole in my backpack to really think about anything else. I debated opening it now, but I decided to wait until later—maybe when Katelyn wasn’t around.
I didn’t think I would actually get any studying done with Katelyn, but she proved me wrong. We went off into our own little worlds for a few hours with our earbuds in, sitting on opposite sides of my kitchen table.
Every once in a while, she would text me some memes to take a mini break, and in response, I would ignore her until she started to throw pieces of paper at me in retaliation. I decided that checking my texts from her was less annoying than the thrown paper.
We decided to order Chinese takeout. Katelyn jumped to answer the door when the deliveryman came, claiming she was so hungry that her stomach was about to “eat itself.” I rolled my eyes and tried to give her the tip money, but she waved it off with a roll of her eyes.
I reached down and grabbed a textbook out of my backpack, which was laying on the floor. When I pulled it out, the manila envelope that I had roughly shoved in there earlier got caught on the book and was flung across the table. I took a deep breath and walked over to where it had landed. I craned my neck to see if Katelyn was coming back anytime soon—she was laughing while it looked like the delivery guy was trying to flirt with her.
Just get it over with, Mel rolled her eyes.
Inside was an old newspaper clipping. I remembered when this was printed; Mel’s mom had it published a few days after Mel’s death. It was proof that Nora Jessup really did blame me for Mel’s death.
April 19, 2009 - Melanie Jessup, a 17-year-old senior at Crestfall High School, was killed when struck by a car on April 16, 2009. Authorities believe the driver’s excess speed while driving in rainy nighttime conditions attributed to the accident. However, both Jessup and Tristan Westdyke, also a 17-year-old senior at Crestfall High School, were running across the street when the accident occurred. No formal charges have been made against the driver at this time. Jessup was pronounced dead at the scene while Westdyke suffered no life-threatening injuries. He was taken to Spillane Hospital where he is listed in serious but stable condition. Witnesses who saw the two before to the accident said they were arguing. According to students, Jessup and Westdyke had been close friends since kindergarten. However, sources say that Nora Jessup, mother of the deceased, did not favor the friendship. Jane Doe, the neighbor to the Jessup family, said she overheard Mrs. Jessup telling friends that, “At least my baby is finally safe from the likes of him.” Doe was unable to verify that Jessup was speaking about Westdyke. According to the office of Rep. Jessup, the family will make a formal statement after the funeral services are held on April 22nd. At this time, they ask that you respect their privacy.
My mom had been beyond furious after the local Crestfall Weekly had published that article. She had made multiple calls to try to get it retracted, but in the end, it had remained published. I never understood the power of writing until I used this story to punish myself at my darkest moment. Of course, it wasn’t the only one out there. But it was the most honest, in my opinion.
“Food!” Katelyn declared as she marched back into the dining room. “Tristan?” She gave me a concerned look when she saw me standing next to the table.
My eyes began to focus on her as she cautiously placed the food on the table and then slowly moved toward me. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.
“I—” I took a step back and clenched my fist tighter, looking down when I felt something in my hand. I had crumpled up the paper in my palm without even realizing it. “I—I’m fine. Let’s eat. What do you want to drink?” I walked around the table as steadily as I could and headed for the kitchen.
I could feel her watching me—she always seemed to be watching me—and I knew she saw the open manila envelope on the table. She had to be wondering what was inside it; she was always curious. So, I was surprised when she simply replied, “I’ll have beer if you have any.”
I nodded with my back to her while I grabbed the bottle opener and threw the ball of paper in the other drawer with the prom picture from last week. I needed to find out where the fuck these were coming from. I grabbed a bottle of Shiner from the fridge and popped the top off before I brought it to her. I didn’t know why I had beer in my fridge if I didn’t drink anymore. I had done too much damage to my liver in my first year here—both because of the thrill of college and because I used it to drown the memories.
She had put all her books aside and laid our food out on the table. She looked at me cautiously as she opened her chopsticks. After I had placed her beer in front of her, I sat in the chair next to her, without thinking.
She put a bit of orange chicken in her mouth and turned to study me as I took a swig of my Coke. Finally, she said, “Something changed.”
I looked up as I was about to put some noodles in my mouth. “Hmm?” I played dumb.
She shook her head and went back to her food, which allowed me to get a few bites in before she continued. “You don’t have to tell me what was in the envelope. I know what it’s like to have secrets.”
Finally, I lifted my head and our eyes locked. I usually saw the pain flicker in her eyes before she masked it, but this time was different. This time she let me see it—her dark brown eyes splintered in the raw emotion that I had seen many times before. Every time I looked in the mirror, my blue eyes returned that same tortured stare.
I closed my eyes—it was too much. I felt her tentatively put her hand against my cheek. I fought the urge to lean into her hand, just to feel comfort for even one second—comfort that I didn’t deserve. Instead, I opened my eyes and closed my hand over hers. I kissed her palm quickly before releasing her hand.
What had happened to her? And why was I feeling this insane urge to fix it all for her? I had enough problems myself, but I wanted to shield her from whatever was causing her pain.
I couldn’t ask her though. If I asked her what plagued her thoughts—consumed every cell of her brain, drowned her in the depths of emotion—then I would have to tell her my story, too. And no one could ever know my story. Especially not her.
We went back to eating our food in silence, and she broke the quiet one last time to whisper, “Maybe one day, you and I won’t be so fucked-up anymore. It might not be soon. And we might not fix one another, but one day we can be free from all this.”
I doubted she was right, but I didn’t contradict her. I knew it was mostly her trying to convince herself anyway. I knew because I did that, too.
SOMETHING WAS FEELING OFF. It was Saturday and I had to go to a party with Kate
lyn tonight.
We had been doing okay since that night at my place when I figured out that I wasn’t the only one with pain and secrets to hide. We had been working out together either in the morning or after class. And sometimes we even grabbed lunch together. Much to my amusement, she found out that she loved studying at my apartment.
I couldn’t remember much of my freshman year, to be honest. It was a whirl of disgusting parties, an endless flow of alcohol, even more girls, and then repeat. It was part of the reasons I was so sick of the party scene—and I seriously couldn’t figure out why Katelyn was so drawn to them. But I was too chicken to ask her because who knew what she would ask me in return.
“Hey, T.” Ryan clapped me on the shoulder as I stood trying to catch my breath next to the squat rack at the gym.
I nodded at him in reply, panting.
“What’s going on this weekend, man?”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head in amusement. When I was finally able to talk, I replied, “Katelyn wants to go to a party tonight. Which one are you going to?”
Ryan smirked knowingly at me. “That girl’s got you going to parties again, huh…” And before I could formulate a full reply, he waved over my shoulder. “Cais!”
Caisey came bounding up to us. “Hey, Tristan!”
“You guys working out together?”
She shrugged with a grin on her face, while Ryan laughed. “Don’t ask. Cais, Katelyn and Tristan want to know which parties we’re going to this weekend.”
I swear she started glowing. “Katelyn and Tristan? Are you two a thing now?”
I placed my hands on both of her shoulders to stop her before she did something stupid—like bounce in happiness. “We are not a thing. Whatever the hell that means.”
“Yet,” she amended. “You’re not a thing yet.”
I gave her a pointed look as she snuggled into Ryan’s side and looked at me innocently.
I ignored her and added more plates to the bar in preparation of my set.
“Fine, fine. I’ll text you the ones we’re probably going to,” Caisey said with a pout.
I turned to see the end of Ryan’s meaningful look at her, and I gave her a half smile in relief that she was letting up. For now at least. I leaned over and kissed her on the side of the head. “Thanks, Caisey.” I winked at her. “Now want to see me squat more weight than Ryan?”
Ryan laughed as Caisey giggled. “Screw you, man. Go do shoulder presses, Cais, it’s not leg day. We’ll see you later, T.” He mock glared at me then followed Caisey to the other side of the gym. I heard Caisey laugh harder as Ryan playfully slapped her butt on the way.
“Are you on your way?” she demanded as soon as I put the phone up to my ear.
“Your chariot is on its way,” I said solemnly.
“He’s almost here,” I heard her whisper to someone next to her.
I turned into her lot. “Katelyn, who’s there with you?”
“No one,” she singsonged.
I shook my head in exasperation even though she couldn’t see me. “Am I coming up there or are you coming down already?”
“Oooh, come up here. Let’s pre-game this bitch. Dude, grab the tequila. I’ll get the limes.” She was talking to someone else again.
“You know I don’t drink.” I sighed.
“Just come up here anyway,” I heard her say before she ended the call.
I made my way to apartment 316 and the door swung open before I could even knock. I didn’t know the girl standing there. She wasn’t anything special with hot pink fuck-me shoes and a poor excuse for a dress. She looked like all the other overly made-up girls who wanted a one-night stand. The complete opposite of Katelyn. Her eyes widened as they took me in from my shoes to my head. When she met my smirking eyes, she gave me a salacious grin.
“Are you the roommate?” I asked in a bored tone.
“Oh god, no. Heather is MIA as usual. You must be the reason Katelyn hasn’t been around lately. Can’t judge, I wouldn’t want to share your fine ass with anyone else either.” I fought off my shudder. This girl wanted to eat me alive. And what did she mean I was the reason Katelyn hadn’t been around? We barely even hung out.
“Amber, is that Tristan? Don’t fucking scare the guy away. Let him in,” Katelyn yelled from the direction of the kitchen.
She stepped back and opened the door wider to let me in, still eye-fucking me. There were six or seven other girls milling around, waiting for something. They all looked the same. And unfortunately, they were all gawking at me as if I was a showroom piece. I hadn’t thought much of what I was wearing when I got dressed earlier—dark jeans, button up shirt.
I headed to the kitchen to say hi to Katelyn and to ask her about all these girls. I stopped dead when I reached the doorway. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the wall in an effort to look nonchalant. In reality, I was desperately trying to keep my calm. My heart was slamming against my chest—a reaction I couldn’t even begin analyzing.
Katelyn’s back was to me as she appeared to be cutting the limes. Her hair was curled and loosely piled on top of her head. She wore a short sleeve, bright red dress that dipped low in the back. Gold pieces lining the edge of the fabric accentuated the low cut. The dress looked extremely short; her long legs ended with tall, sparkly gold heels with ribbons that laced up her toned calves.
At this point, I was dreading her turning around, the red of her dress made her tan pop, and I was already hoping that my jeans were hiding the excitement going on down south. I cast my eyes upward and tried to think of soccer and classwork as I quickly readjusted myself.
Tristan! You’re not even supposed to be attracted to this girl, Mel scolded.
But how could I not be?
“Are you ready yet, Katelyn? We have the shots set up in the living room!” Amber shouldered past me, deliberately rubbing her hand down my arm. I shied away from her touch.
“Ready!” Katelyn whirled around with a plate of lime wedges. Her face lit up when she saw me, and I suddenly had to work hard to keep my jaw from dropping.
She was absolutely beautiful. Suddenly, my job of pretending I was completely unaffected by her just became a million times harder. Actually, I didn’t even realize I was pretending not to be attracted to her until that very moment. The dress didn’t show much cleavage, but there was enough to attract any man’s attention. And then you add in the fact that the dress clung to her like a second skin, and you had men dropping to their knees everywhere.
Curly tendrils of hair framed her face. Her eyes were rimmed in brown and shiny gold makeup, making them appear bigger and the lightest shade of brown I had ever seen them. Right now, her eyes were sparkling at me. “Hi,” she said uncharacteristically bashful. Amber rolled her eyes and took the plate of limes from her hands before rushing out the kitchen, leaving the two of us alone.
“You look…” I trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. Don’t look at her mouth, don’t look at her mouth, I chanted in my head. You’re not allowed to kiss her. Hell, you’re not allowed to even want to kiss her. And you’re especially not allowed to want to taste her everywhere.
“I look what?” She was suddenly standing right fucking in front of me.
I didn’t dare move. “You look stunning, Katelyn.”
She beamed at me then looped her arms around my neck to hug me; I refused to allow my body to stiffen at her touch. “Thank you,” she breathed in my ear. Then she added, “You might want to watch out, some of these girls might want a bite of you.” She laughed softly as she pulled back to look into my eyes.
I couldn’t help myself at this point. My arms seemed to wrap themselves around her of their own accord. I was frantically working to keep my body in check, and I was getting slightly pissed that she was evoking all these different emotions inside of me—the most prominent being desire. I didn’t have emotions, for crying out loud.
For some insane reason, I suddenly wanted to know that she was just as
affected by me as I was by her. I leaned in and teasingly whispered, “Well, you might just have to save me from them, won’t you…” Without my permission, my lips brushed against her ear with the lightest pressure as I talked. Her breath quickened.
I slowly retreated just enough so I could see her face again. We were close enough that our breaths were mingling in the space between us. If I moved forward just enough, then I would be able to taste the tequila that I could smell on her lips mixed with the sweetness of her perfume. Her eyes flickered to my lips and back up to my blue eyes. Naturally, her action made me take a quick glance at her lips. Fuck, now I remembered why I had been trying to avoid looking at her soft and inviting mouth.
I shook my head, trying to break myself from this trance. I took a sharp step back, letting our arms fall off each other. I eyed her warily as I wondered what the hell was happening. And she met my gaze with a confused and slightly disappointed one.
I opened my mouth, but before I could say something stupid that would most likely piss her off, Amber screeched, “Katelyn, get your skinny ass over here so we can do some shots and get going! It’s ten thirty!”
Wordlessly, Katelyn grabbed my arm and dragged me with her to the living room.
“Ladies, this is Tristan. Tristan, my friends. I know, I have some now. It’s exciting. They came over and got ready with me.” She made a sweeping gesture to indicate the nine or ten girls sitting ready with shot glasses.
“Yeah, yeah. No one cares about him if you already called dibs, Katelyn. Take a shot glass and let’s do this.” Amber shoved a shot in Katelyn’s hand.
“Dibs?” I mouthed at Katelyn.
She only gave me a smirk in return as she readied the rest of her shot. “One, two, three!” one of the girls called out and all the girls simultaneously licked, shot, and sucked at the same time. I only had eyes for one of them. I masochistically watched Katelyn throw back her shot, watching the long, slender curve of her neck as she swallowed. She didn’t even flinch at the taste.