by T. N. Cole
“Who are we dropping off first?” Ryan suddenly asked.
“Kate,” I immediately responded.
Caisey turned around in her seat. “Katelyn, is there someone at your apartment who can take care of you?”
Kate furrowed her brow. “Guys, I’m perfectly fine. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.” She met my eyes, daring me to contradict her.
I wanted to argue, but I fought to keep my mouth closed. If I insisted that she needed to have someone with her, then she might end up at my place. And as much as I’d come to care about her, the thought of her staying the night with me freaked me out to no end. Call me a pussy, but after years of shutting people out, it was still going to be a while before I could have someone around me—staying at my house. Especially if that someone was a gorgeous brunette who I couldn’t seem to say no to.
“You can stay with us,” Caisey offered with a smile.
Kate shook her head vehemently. “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t do that. You guys have already done so much for me. I’m fine, I promise. Besides, I have a roommate who might be home. She can help if I need her.” Kate’s frown deepened, as if the thought of interacting with her roommate upset her. Or maybe it was me troubling her.
Caisey met my eyes, and I gave an imperceptible shake of my head to the question in hers. Kate couldn’t stay the night with me. Finally, Caisey turned back around with a sigh. “I don’t like this.”
“You don’t have to,” I muttered under my breath.
I saw Kate stiffen as my words reached her ears, and I cringed inwardly. She deserved better than this. Better than me.
Yeah, especially if you’re going to be an asshole after everything that happened to her because of you, Mel snapped.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t pay attention as Kate gave Ryan directions to her apartment. Then, suddenly, Kate was hastily unbuckling her seat belt before the car even stopped moving. I made no move to stop her, and instead, I stared stonily ahead. I heard her say her good-byes and thanks, even hugging Caisey from the backseat and giving Ryan a kiss on the cheek. I knew she wasn’t going to say anything to me—she wasn’t even going to look at me. Then, she climbed out and slammed the door behind her, making me grimace.
“Tristan,” Caisey hissed. I looked up to see her turned in her seat glaring at me. We both knew I couldn’t just let Kate leave like this, pissed at me and possibly hurt.
“Fuck,” I swore as I flung off my seat belt and threw the door open. “Kate!” I called out as I jumped out of the car and jogged toward the apartment complex. She better not have tried to take the stairs, I thought, heading to the elevator.
As I rounded the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks. There she was. She was slumped against the wall, waiting for the elevator. Her eyes were closed, face tipped up as the back of her head rested on the brick behind her. She looked more exhausted than she had let on in the car and at the hospital. I didn’t know what she was thinking about, but I had the overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around her and help her alleviate the weight of what was on her mind. I inhaled sharply at my sudden turn of thoughts. I didn’t know what to make of myself anymore. “Katelyn,” I breathed as I walked to her.
Her eyes flew open at the same time the elevator opened with a ding. “Now I’m Katelyn again to you?” I winced, as her eyes flashed with an emotion I couldn’t decipher. “I told you I would be fine,” she stated flatly, kicking off the wall.
“But you’re not,” I stated, coming to a stop in front of her. “You’re not okay, Kate.” I was so close that she had to tilt her head back in order to meet my eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, trying to read what the other was thinking. My right hand slowly started to come up, but before I could rest my palm against her face, she turned away to get into the still waiting elevator. “Wait.” I rushed in after her as she stabbed the button for the third floor.
“Go home, Tristan.” She warned, leaning on the elevator wall as far away from me as she could get.
I fought the urge to pick her up in my arms, telling myself that she would probably slap me if I tried to touch her right now. “Come home with me,” I blurted without thinking.
Mel laughed. Way to be, dude.
Kate took a deep breath. “Now why the hell would I do that?”
I couldn’t answer because even I didn’t know why. I only knew that I couldn’t leave her yet. And not just because I was worried about her. I thought I knew why, but I refused to let my mind try to figure that one out—I needed to focus on Kate first. “I’m worried about you.” I didn’t try to hide the desperation in my voice. What I was desperate for, I didn’t know. I wanted something from her—I needed something from her—and I hoped to figure out what in the hell it was. Sooner rather than later.
The elevator door opened and I followed her out. “I’m tired, Tristan,” she snapped as she stalked toward her apartment door. “I’m also not in the mood to figure out what the hell you want from me. You’re worse than a fucking girl. First, you’re all ‘Kate, don’t do that to me ever again.’” Her voice pitched higher as she mimicked me. “Then, ‘let’s fall asleep together at the hospital. Oh, and let me cater to your every whim. But later, I’m not going to say a word or even look at you when it comes time to say bye.’” She avoided eye contact with me as she rummaged through her purse to grab her keys.
“I know. I suck.” I waited until she looked up, keys in her fist. “You scare me.” I decided to go as honest as I could. My heart was pounding with both my admission and something else I couldn’t identify.
She scoffed. “Uh, do you see me? How can this—” she gestured to herself “—intimidate you?”
I slowly perused her from her sandal-clad feet, up the short black dress, and all the way to her now flushing face. “Yeah. I see you,” I whispered as I peered into her deep brown eyes.
She was dumbstruck at my words and let her guard down for a second. Then she seemed to snap out of it, shaking her head as if to clear her thoughts. “Screw this.” Kate turned, breaking our stare down to jam her key into the lock.
So quickly that even I didn’t know how it happened, I moved and suddenly I had her pinned against the wall next to the door. Her purse and keys clattered to the floor. “Hey!” she started to protest, but she trailed off as she realized that our faces were inches away from each other—a fact that I was now also painfully aware of. I had her hands restrained above her head with both of my own, and my lower body was against hers so that she couldn’t move. “Tristan, what—” she started to ask.
“I don’t know,” I managed to get out before my lips crashed into hers. I moaned when her mouth immediately opened to me. And she answered me back with her own sweet whimper as our tongues tangled together. She wiggled until she was able to hook one of her long legs around my waist. I let go of her hands to grab both of her legs, running my hands up and down her smooth thighs before resting my hold under her ass so I could grip her tighter against me. I couldn’t stop—I needed to explore all of her mouth, memorize the sounds she made, and show her all the things I couldn’t say with words.
After I had released her hands, Kate ran them over my chest, causing me to groan and push her harder against the wall, and then she tangled them in my hair. She anchored me to her, and I was too far gone to care about what any of this even meant anymore. Kate, Kate, Kate. I want you. But I know I shouldn’t. I don’t want to hurt you, beautiful girl. Give me what I don’t know I want.
Both our phones started to ring, the piercing tones shattering the moment. And I wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment—wrapped up in Kate. Kate was the first to break away, breathing heavily. I leaned my forehead against hers, still holding her up. Her eyes remained closed, but I kept mine open to watch her. I didn’t know what to say to her now. No words could convey what had just happened between us. All I knew was that I wanted more—more of her taste, more of her moans, more of her pressed against me—but I didn’t know how to tell her that. “Put
me down,” she commanded softly as she opened her eyes.
Reluctantly, I let her legs fall from my waist and she bent over to get her belongings off the floor. I let my phone ring as I kept my eyes on her, trying to figure out where we go next. She looked at her phone screen to see who was calling her, and her face shut down. “I’ll see you later.” She glanced at me as she finally got her key into the lock, opening the door and stepping inside.
What? No. “Kate…” I pleaded as I pressed my palm against the door.
She lifted her head to meet my gaze and I couldn’t read her. She met my desperate eyes, and her eyes softened. “I’ll be okay. I promise. I have to take this call. I’ll call you later.” The corner of her mouth turned up in an attempt at a reassuring smile.
“Kate,” I said again, harsher this time, letting her know that I saw through her façade.
She expelled a forceful breath. “I need time to think, Tristan. It’s too much. Everything going on. There was last night, this morning, and now this? We both need time. I think this is too important for us to mess up. So, let’s both think about it. Okay?”
I didn’t want to agree with her. I didn’t want to let her out of my sight. She saw this and stepped forward to kiss my cheek. “We’ll be okay, I promise.” She held my eyes until I slowly let my palm fall from the door.
She gave me a small smile one last time, and then shut the door. I didn’t move, letting my head fall noisily against the door. What’s happening to me?
CAISEY WAS THE ONE calling me. I had forgotten that she and Ryan were waiting downstairs to drive me home. After I resigned myself to the fact that Kate wasn’t going to come back out, I called her back, letting her know that I was ready to leave. Alone.
Caisey glared at me when I climbed back into the car. “Well? Did you fix it?” Ryan chuckled as he started driving toward my apartment.
I smiled as I turned my head toward the window.
“What?” Caisey shrieked, making Ryan wince. “What is that? What does that little smirk mean? Tristan Westdyke, after all I have done for you, how can you withhold information from me?”
It was my turn to laugh a little. “Withhold information from you? You’re making things sound worse than they are. I didn’t even say anything.”
Caisey crossed her arms across her chest, undoubtedly pouting.
“Awww.” Ryan reached over to stroke her cheek. “T, tell her something. Anything. Please, before I have to hear about this all night.” Caisey swatted his hand away, telling us both that she would be giving us the silent treatment instead of whining all night.
“I kissed her.” I shrugged nonchalantly.
Caisey whipped her head around, giving me an expression of disbelief. For once, Ryan was the first to reply. “And she still didn’t come home with you? You must be losing your touch, dude.”
She couldn’t help but smile at that. She gave him a high-five before focusing on me once again. “She’s not another Jenny. Or Steph. Or Dani,” she warned me, listing the names of some of the girls I had messed around with in the past.
I raised my eyebrows. “You don’t think I know that? Why do you think she isn’t here right now?” My tone sobered, and I added, “I don’t know what’s happening. She’s different.” It was a major understatement, but it was all I could say. I wasn’t used to sharing what I was thinking, and both Ryan and Caisey were used to my reluctance.
Seeming satisfied, Caisey turned back around and started to chat with Ryan about what they were having for dinner.
After unlocking the door to my apartment, my stomach dropped. When I stepped inside, my foot skidded on another unmarked manila envelope that had been slipped under the door. I crouched down to pick it up but decided against opening it. For now, at least.
You already know you’re going to open it tonight, Mel drawled.
Maybe. But I knew I needed a shower first before anything else. I dropped the envelope on the counter along with the container of food Caisey had insisted I take home with me for dinner since Kate had run out of the car and forgotten it. Then, I headed to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes, tossing them in the laundry basket.
As I waited for the water to heat up, I checked my phone for any messages. None from Kate. I cursed aloud, why was I obsessing over her?
I let my phone clatter to the counter as I leaned over the sink and studied myself in the mirror. My blue eyes looked wearily back at me. I honestly couldn’t figure out why Kate was bringing out all these changes in me. I was starting to do and say things I hadn’t done since Mel was still alive.
I shook my head and strode toward the glass door of the shower. I groaned in satisfaction as the hot water cascaded over my body, releasing all the tension in my muscles. I took my time rinsing my hair and scrubbing the hospital smell off my body. And I fought to stop thinking about Kate. She was right, we both needed to take a time out and figure out what was happening between us before we ruined something before it even started.
That didn’t stop me from thinking of how good it had felt to have every inch of Kate pressed against me as I had her pinned against the wall. Thinking of her taste, her moans, her hands in my hair—it was all too much for me. I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking of her in this way. I really shouldn’t have been thinking of her at all—I should be staying the hell away from her. But my dick didn’t get the message. The more I tried to stop thinking about her, the harder I got.
Against my better judgment, I fisted my hand around my cock. I ran our earlier make-out session through my mind again, steadily pumping up and down. I groaned as I thought of what would have happened if our ringing phones hadn’t interrupted us. I imagined pushing her dress up around her hips and yanking her underwear to the side. She would have been drenched for me. I would have teased her wet lips with the head of my cock, before swiftly thrusting inside her. I moaned as I closed my eyes; my hand was a poor excuse for how it would feel to be moving inside her. I increased the speed of my hand as dream Kate screamed my name in ecstasy. I whispered her name as my release surged through me. And then, I had to wash myself all over again.
After checking my phone again and shaking my head at my uselessness, I dressed for bed and wandered to the kitchen to eat. I threw the food into the microwave and then leaned against the counter, glaring at the envelope sitting on the kitchen counter.
Mel was enjoying the tension. It’s just an envelope, Tristan. Fucking open it already.
I ground my teeth together. I was definitely not in the mood for another mental breakdown. Instead, I decided to be defiant. I grabbed my food from the microwave and my drink from the fridge. After setting it all on the kitchen counter, I slid on a barstool to eat.
I left the envelope on the counter. How was I going to figure out who was sending these messages? What could they possibly want from me? I was going to lose my damn mind from all these reminders of the past.
An hour later, I laid in bed with my arms folded behind my head and the envelope burning a hole into the sheets right next to me. I was exhausted, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep without opening it.
I sat up and used my thumb to rip open the top flap. With unsteady hands, I turned the envelope over to let the contents fall out.
A paper fell facedown and nothing was written on the back. I hesitantly flipped it over. It was another picture. Mel and I at our kindergarten graduation, where we were wearing matching yellow robes and caps. She had her arms wrapped tightly around me as she grinned at the camera, while I just stood there with my arms by my sides, smiling uncomfortably. I couldn’t not smile as I studied the picture. As everyone did when they looked at a picture of themselves when they were kids, I thought about how much I missed the time when everything was simpler. Not only was everything easier back then, but Mel was also still alive.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Mel was uncharacteristically silent. You were more adorable back then, I teased her in my head.
She sniffled. You’re a je
rk. But I can’t even be mad at you because you look so ridiculously cute in this picture. Look at your eyes! They’re so blue!
I smiled ruefully. I wish you were still here, Mel.
I’ll always be here, Tristan, she responded softly.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the headboard, fighting back the tears. All of a sudden, my phone started vibrating from where it was charging on my nightstand.
I slowly rolled my head to the side to look at who was calling. Kate’s laughing face filled the screen. She had taken the picture herself when she’d managed to steal my phone while we were having lunch one day. Wait, it was Kate calling. I flung my body across the bed, diving for the phone.
“Shit.” I knocked off the nightstand in my fumbling to unplug the charger and answer it in time. “Kate.” I finally managed to click answer on my phone. “Are you okay?”
She giggled. “Why do you assume something’s wrong just because I call you?”
I stayed silent. I wanted to say, Because my whole world seems to be crashing down around me, so I forget that not everyone else is living in hell like I am. Oh, and we kissed and I can’t stop thinking about you. But I couldn’t say any of that. Our situation was only becoming more and more complicated.
Kate sighed heavily. “You’re actually right. I had a bad dream. At least, I think it was a dream. The beginning seemed to be random flashes of what happened last night—memories I didn’t even know I had. And then it started turning into what would have happened if you hadn’t shown up.” Her voice weakened with each word, and she sounded heartbroken by the end of her story.
I was already moving before she even finished talking. I walked to my closet to grab clothes; I needed to comfort her, preferably in person. “What do you need? Do you need me to drive over there?”
“No,” she replied softly. “I don’t want you to run into my crazy, bitchy roommate.”