by Colfer, Eoin
‘Perhaps,’ admitted the commander. ‘But if I don’t go, we could all be dead in a matter of minutes. At least this way, we’ll have a few minutes to work on the Operations’ booth.’
Trouble considered it. There was no other way. ‘What have you got to bargain with?’
‘The prisoners in Howler’s Peak. Maybe we could negotiate some kind of controlled release.’
‘The Council will never go for that.’
Cudgeon drew himself up to his full height. ‘This is not a time for politics, Captain. This is a time for action.’
Trouble was, quite frankly, amazed. This was not the same Briar Cudgeon he knew. Someone had given this fairy a spine transplant.
Now the newly appointed commander was going to earn that acorn cluster on his lapel. Trouble felt an emotion well up in his chest. One that he’d never before associated with Briar Cudgeon. It was respect.
‘Open the front door a crack,’ ordered the commander in steely tones. Foaly would be just loving this on camera. ‘I’m going out to talk to these reptiles.’
Trouble relayed the command. If they ever got out of this, he would see to it that Commander Cudgeon was awarded a posthumous Golden Acorn. At the very least.
UNCHARTED CHUTE, BELOW KOBOI LABORATORIES
The Atlantean shuttle sped down a vast chute, sticking tightly to the walls. Close enough to scrape paint from the hull.
Artemis poked his head through from the passenger bay.
‘Is this really necessary, Captain?’ he asked, as they avoided death by a centimetre for the umpteenth time. ‘Or is it just more fly-boy grandstanding?’
Holly winked. ‘Do I look like a fly boy to you, Fowl?’
Artemis had to admit that she didn’t. Captain Short was extremely pretty in a dangerous sort of way. Black-widow pretty. Artemis was expecting puberty to hit in approximately eight months, and he suspected that at that point he would look at Holly in a different light. It was probably just as well that she was eighty years old.
‘I’m hugging the surface to search for this alleged crack that Mulch insists is along here,’ Holly explained.
Artemis nodded. The dwarf’s theory. Just incredible enough to be true. He returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing.
The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer — or, more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots.
‘This is Koboi Labs,’ he mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable.
‘That?’ exclaimed Root.
‘I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.’
The commander exploded from his chair. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear there was dwarf gas involved. ‘An accurate schematic? It’s a rectangle, for heaven’s sake!’
Mulch was unperturbed. ‘That’s not important. This is the important bit.’
‘That wobbly line?’
‘It’s a fissure,’ protested the dwarf. ‘Anybody can see that.’
‘Anybody in kindergarten, maybe. So it’s a fissure, so what?’
‘This is the clever bit.Y’see, that fissure is not usually there.’
Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately. But Artemis was suddenly interested.
‘When does the fissure appear?’
But Mulch wasn’t just going to give a straight answer. ‘Us dwarfs. We know something about rocks. Been digging around ‘em for ages.’ Root’s fingers began beating a tattoo on his buzz baton. ‘What fairies don’t realize is that rocks are alive. They breathe.’
Artemis nodded. ‘Of course. Heat expansion.’
Mulch bit the carrot triumphantly. ‘Exactly. And, of course, the opposite. They contract when they cool down.’ Even Root was listening now. ‘Koboi Labs is built on solid mantle. Three miles of rock. No way in, short of sonix warheads. And I think Opal Koboi might notice them.’
‘And that helps us how?’
‘A crack opens up in that rock when it cools down. I worked on the foundations when they were building this place. Gets you right in under the labs. Still a way to go, but at least you’re in.’
The commander was sceptical. ‘So how come Opal Koboi hasn’t noticed this gaping fissure?’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say it was gaping.’
‘How big?’
Mulch shrugged. ‘Dunno. Maybe five metres. At its widest point.’
‘That’s still a pretty big fissure to be sitting there all I day.’
‘Only it’s not there all day,’ interrupted Artemis. ‘Is it, Mulch?’
‘All day? I wish. I’d say, at a guess, this is only an approximation mind . . ."
Root was losing his cool. Being one step behind all the time didn’t agree with him.
‘Tell me, convict, before I add another scorch mark to your behind!’
Mulch was injured. ‘Stop shouting, Julius, you’re curling my beard.’
Root opened the cooler, letting the icy tendrils play over his face.
‘OK, Mulch. How long?’
‘Three minutes max. Last time I did it with a set of wings, wearing a pressure suit. Nearly got crushed and fried.’
‘Fried?’
‘Let me guess,’ said Artemis. ‘The fissure only opens when the rock has contracted sufficiently. If this fissure is on a chute wall, then the coolest time would be moments before the next flare.’
Mulch winked. ‘Smart, Mud Boy. If the rocks don’t get you, the magma will.’
Holly’s voice crackled over the com speakers. ‘I’ve got a visual on something. Could be a shadow, or it could just be a crack in the chute wall.’
Mulch did a little dance, looking very pleased with himself. Now, Julius, you can say it. I was right again! You owe me, Julius, you owe me.’
The commander rubbed the bridge of his nose. If he made it through this alive, he was never leaving the station again.
KOBOI LABORATORIES
Koboi Labs was surrounded by a ring of B’wa Kell goblins. Armed to the teeth, tongues hanging out for blood. Cudgeon was hustled past roughly, prodded by a dozen barrels. The DNA cannons hung inoperative in their towers, for the moment. The second Cudgeon felt the B’wa Kell had outlived its usefulness, then the guns would be reactivated.
The commander was taken to the inner sanctum, and forced to his knees before Opal and the B’wa Kell generals. Once the soldiers had been dismissed, Cudgeon was back on his feet and in command.
‘Everything proceeds according to plan,’ he announced, crossing to stroke Opal’s cheek. ‘In an hour Haven will be ours.’
General Scalene was not convinced. ‘It would be ours a lot faster if we had some Koboi blasters.’
Cudgeon sighed patiently. ‘We’ve been through this, General. The disruption signal knocks out all neutrino weapons. If you get blasters, so will the LEP.’
Scalene shuffled into a corner, licking his eyeballs.
Of course, that was not the only reason for denying the goblins neutrino weapons. Cudgeon had no intention of arming a group he intended to betray. As soon as the B’wa Kell had disposed of the Council, Opal would return power to the LEP.
‘How are things proceeding?’
Opal swivelled in her Hoverboy, legs curled beneath her. ‘Deliciously. The main doors fell moments after you left to . . . negotiate.’
Cudgeon grinned. ‘Good thing I left. I might have been injured.’
‘Captain Kelp has pulled his remaining forces into the Operations’ room, ringing the booth. The Council is in there too.’
‘Perfect,’ said Cudgeon.
Another B’wa Kell general, Sputa, banged the conference table. ‘No, Cudgeon. Far from perfect. Our brothers are wasting away in Howler’s Peak.’
‘Patience, General Sputa,’ said Cudgeon soothingly, actually laying a hand on the goblin’s shoulder. ‘As soon as Police Plaza falls, we can open the cells in Howler�
��s Peak without resistance.’
Internally Cudgeon fumed. These idiot creatures. How he detested them. Clothed in robes fashioned from their own cast-off skin. Repulsive. Cudgeon longed to reactivate the DNA cannons and stop their jabbering for a few sweet hours.
He caught Opal’s eye. She knew what he was thinking. Her tiny teeth showed in anticipation. What a delightfully vicious creature. Which was, of course, why she had to be disposed of. Opal Koboi could never be happy as second in command.
He dropped her a wink.
‘Soon,’ he mouthed silently. ‘Soon.’
* * *
CHAPTER 13: INTO THE BREACH
BELOW KOBOI LABORATORIES
AN LEP shuttle is shaped like a teardrop, bottom heavy with thrusters and a nose that could cut through steel. Of course our heroes weren’t in an LEP shuttle, they were in the ambassador’s luxury cruiser. Comfort was definitely favoured over speed. It had a nose like a gnome’s behind. Bulky and expensive-looking, with a grill you could use to barbecue buffalo.
‘So, you’re saying this fissure is going to open up for a couple of minutes and I have to fly through. And that’s the entire plan?’ said Holly.
‘It’s the best we’ve got,’ said Root glumly. ‘Well, at least we’ll be in padded seats when we get squashed. This thing handles like a three-legged rhinoceros.’
‘How was I to know?’ grumbled Root. ‘This was supposed to be a routine run. This shuttle has an excellent stereo.’
Butler raised his hand. ‘Listen. What’s that sound?’
They listened. The noise came from below them, like a giant clearing its throat.
Holly consulted the keel cams.
‘Flare,’ she announced. ‘Big sucker. It’ll be roasting our tail feathers any minute.’
The rock face before them cracked and groaned in constant expansion and retraction. Fissures heaved like grinning mouths lined with black teeth.
‘That’s it. Let’s go,’ urged Mulch. ‘That fissure is going to seal up faster than a stink worm’s —’
‘Not enough room yet,’ snapped Holly. ‘This is a shuttle, not one fat dwarf riding stolen wings.’
Mulch was too scared to be insulted. ‘Just move it. It’ll widen as we go.’
Generally Holly would have waited for Root to give the green light. But this was her area. No one was going to argue with Captain Holly Short at the controls of a shuttle.
The chasm shuddered open another metre.
Holly gritted her teeth. ‘Hold on to your ears,’ she said, ramming the thrusters to maximum.
The craft’s occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn’t. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed, with only a kleptomaniac dwarf’s word for what lay at the other end.
Holly concentrated on her instruments. Hull cameras and sensors fed information to various screens and speakers. Sonar was going crazy, beeping so fast it was almost a continuous whine. Fixed halogen headlights fed frightening images to the monitors, and laser radar drew a green 3D line picture on a dark screen. Then, of course, there was the quartz windscreen. But with sheets of rock dust and larger debris, the naked eye was next to useless.
‘Temperature increasing,’ she muttered, glancing at the rear-view monitor. An orange magma column blasted past the fissure mouth, spilling over into the tunnel.
They were in a desperate race. The fissure was closing behind them and expanding before the craft’s prow. The noise was terrific. Thunder in a bubble.
Mulch covered his ears. ‘Next time, I’ll take Howler’s Peak.’
‘Quiet, convict,’ growled Root. ‘This was all your idea.’
Their arguing was interrupted by a tremendous grating, sending sparks dancing across the windscreen.
‘Sorry,’ apologized Captain Short. ‘There goes our communications array.’
She flipped the craft sideways, scraping between two shifting plates. The magma’s heat coated the rock face, dragging the plates together. A jagged edge clipped the shuttle’s rear as the plates crashed behind them. A giant’s handclap. Butler held his Sig Sauer. It was a comfort thing.
Then they were through, spiralling into a cavern towards three enormous titanium rods.
‘There,’ gasped Mulch. ‘The foundation rods.’
Holly rolled her eyes. ‘You don’t say,’ she groaned, firing the docking clamps.
Mulch had drawn another diagram. This one looked like a bendy snake.
‘We’re being led by an idiot with a crayon,’ said Root, with deceptive calmness.
‘I got you this far, didn’t I, Julius?’ said Mulch, pouting.
Holly was finishing the last bottle of mineral water. A good third of it went over her head.
‘Don’t you dare start sulking, dwarf,’ she said. ‘As far as I can see, we’re stuck in the centre of the Earth, with no way out and no communications.’
Mulch backed up a step. ‘I can see you’re a bit tense after the flight. Let’s all calm down now, shall we?’
Nobody looked very calm. Even Artemis seemed slightly shaken by the ordeal. Butler still hadn’t let go of the Sig Sauer.
‘That’s the hard bit over. We’re in the foundations now. The only way is up.’
‘Oh really, convict?’ said Root. ‘And how do you suggest we go up exactly?’
Mulch plucked a carrot from the cooler, waving it at his diagram. ‘This here is . . .’
‘A snake?’
‘No, Julius. It’s one of the foundation rods.’
‘The solid titanium foundation rods, sunk in impregnable bedrock?’
‘The very ones. Except one isn’t exactly solid.’
Artemis nodded. ‘I thought so. You cut corners on this work, didn’t you, Mulch?’
Mulch was unrepentant. ‘You know what building regulations are like. Solid titanium pillars? Do you have any idea how expensive that is? Threw our estimate right off. So me ‘n’ cousin Nord decided to forget the titanium packing.’
‘But you had to fill that column with something,’ interrupted the commander. ‘Koboi would have run scans.’
Mulch nodded guiltily.
‘We hooked up the sewage pipes to it for a couple of days. The sonographs came up clean.’
Holly felt her throat clench. ‘Sewage. You mean . . ."
‘No. Not any more. That was a hundred years ago, it’s just clay now. Very good clay as it happens.’
Root’s face could have boiled a large cauldron of water.
‘You expect us to climb through twenty metres of . . . manure?’
The dwarf shrugged. ‘Hey, do I care? Stay here forever if you want, I’m going up the pipe.’
Artemis did not like this sudden turn of events. Running, jumping, injury. OK. But sewage? ‘This is your plan?’ he managed to mutter.
‘What’s the matter, Mud Boy,’ smirked Mulch. ‘Afraid of getting your hands dirty?’
It was only a figure of speech, Artemis knew. But true nevertheless. He glanced at his slender fingers. Yesterday morning they were pianist’s fingers with manicured nails. Today they could have belonged to a builder.
Holly clapped Artemis on the shoulder. ‘OK,’ she declared. ‘Let’s do it. As soon as we save the Lower Elements, we can get back to rescuing your father.’
Holly noticed a change in Artemis’s face. Almost as if his features weren’t sure how to arrange themselves. She paused, realizing what she had said. For her, the remark had been a casual encouragement, the kind of thing an officer said every day. But it seemed as though Artemis was not accustomed to being a member of a team.
‘Don’t think I’m getting chummy or anything. It’s just that when I give my word, I stick to it.’
Artemis decided not to respond. He’d already been punched once today.
*
They descended from the shuttle on a folding stairway.
Artemis stepped on to the surface, pi
cking his way through the jagged stones and construction debris abandoned by Mulch and his cousin a century earlier. The cavern was lit by the star-like twinkle of rock phosphorescence.
‘This place is a geological marvel,’ he exclaimed. ‘The pressure at this depth should be crushing us, but it isn’t.’ He knelt to examine a fungus sprouting from a rusting paint tin. ‘There’s even life.’
Mulch wrenched the remains of a hammer from between two rocks.
‘So that’s where this got to. We overdid it a bit on the explosives, blasting the shaft for these columns. Some of our waste must have . . . fallen down here.’
Holly was appalled. Pollution is an abomination to the People.
‘You’ve broken so many laws here, Mulch, I don’t even have the fingers to count them. When you get that two-day head start, you better move fast, because I’m going to be the one chasing you.’
‘Here we are,’ said Mulch, ignoring the threat. When you’d heard as many as he had, they just rolled right off.
There was a hole bored into one of the columns. Mulch rubbed the edges fondly.
‘Diamond laser cutter. Little nuclear battery.That baby could cut through anything.’
‘I remember that cutter too,’ said Root. ‘You nearly decapitated me with it once.’
Mulch sighed. ‘Happy days, eh, Julius?’
Root’s reply was a swift kick in the behind. ‘Less talk, more eating dirt, convict.’
Holly placed her hand into the hole. ‘Air currents. The pressure field from the city must have equalized this cave over the years. That’s why we’re not flat as manta rays right now.’
‘I see,’ said Butler and Root simultaneously. Another lie for the list.
Mulch undid his bum-flap.
‘I’ll tunnel up to the top and wait for you there. Clear as much of the debris as you can. I’ll spread the recycled mud around, to avoid closing up the shaft.’
Artemis groaned. The idea of crawling through Mulch’s recyclings was almost intolerable. Only the thought of his father kept him going.
Mulch stepped into the shaft. ‘Stand back,’ he warned, unhinging his jaw.
Butler moved quickly — he was not about to get nailed by dwarf gas again.
Mulch disappeared up to his waist in the titanium column. In moments he had disappeared entirely. The pipe began to shudder with strange, unappetizing sounds. Chunks of clay clattered against the metal walls. A constant stream of condensed air and debris spiralled from the hole.