I was happy to share in her joy and receive her hugs, but I felt wrong for allowing her to touch me without knowing what I could do. Besides, Miranda and I had already used her as an experiment, and I felt guilty enough about that.
I flopped back down on the couch and surfed the channels looking for something to get into. My phone rang a few minutes into a Lifetime movie. I grabbed it up, expecting it to be Miranda, but I didn’t recognize the number. Prepared to tongue lash a phone solicitor, I answered.
“Uh, Sloan?”
“Yes,” I said, trying to place the voice.
“This is Jade from the gym.”
I thought it kind of amusing that she felt she had to clarify who she was as if there were a million Jades running around Panacea. “Hey, Jade, what’s up?”
“It’s…uh…crappy outside, and I wanted to go see a movie. I…don’t want to go alone. Would you be interested?”
“Sure. What do you want to see and what time does it start?”
“I don’t care, and I have no idea.” She chuckled.
“Okay, do you want to meet me here and we’ll look on the computer or do you want me to pick you up and we’ll look at yours? There are a couple of theaters in Tallahassee, so we have choices.”
“I’m at the gym. If you want to meet me here, we can look online, then head out.”
“Give me about forty-five minutes to grab a shower and get over there.”
“Okay, see you then.”
I jumped off the couch and ran into the bathroom. I showered and dressed and was out the door in record time. It wasn’t until I was behind the wheel that I thought about what I was doing. I hated movie theaters. There was never anything that I wanted to see bad enough that I couldn’t wait for it to come out on video. I was spoiled by my DVD player. I could lie down in my favorite ragged clothes and pause the movie when I wanted to go to the bathroom. Nevertheless, I was going out on a stormy day to sit in a crowded theater to watch…something.
It was Jade. I wanted to be with her, perhaps for different reasons than two months earlier. But now, I was simply intrigued with another human being, and I wanted to get to know her. At least that’s what I told myself. Truth be known, she was attractive and I was attracted, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. It wasn’t a date anyway. She was reaching out in friendship, and I was willing to take it.
After I arrived at the gym, I walked down the hall to the last office, a closet really, and found Jade staring at a laptop. She spun it around to face me. “Comedy, romance, and thrillers. What’s your pick?”
I looked at the choices and noticed a comedy that I’d seen the trailer for. “How about something funny?”
“Fine by me. When does it start?”
I looked at my watch. “At four. I think we can make it if you let me drive.” I grinned when Jade cocked her head. “I know all the shortcuts, and I’m a shitty navigator.”
“I guess you’re driving then.”
Jade had to adjust the seat before she could even climb into my Mustang. When I looked over at her, she appeared to be riding in the backseat her head was so far back. “This car isn’t much for leg room, is it?” I said apologetically.
“This car is fine.” Jade leaned over, looking at all the gauges and nearly brushed against me. I froze, hoping we wouldn’t make contact. The thought occurred to me that if she casually touched my arm or brushed my hand while I was driving, there was no telling where we’d end up. I slumped against the door, hoping she’d think I was doing it to look cool.
“I take it you like Mustangs.”
“I like muscle cars.” Jade looked around the backseat, which she was presently sitting in. “I really like this retro look.”
“What kind of car do you have?”
“A shitty truck.”
“That’s foreign, right?”
Jade chuckled at my joke. “American, a Ford.”
“I remember you leaned against it at the vet’s office. Must be a lot easier for you to get in and out of. You mind if I ask how tall you are?”
“Six-foot-two. I wish I was your height, though. Buying clothes when you’re a giant is a pain in the ass.”
“Are you from Florida originally?” I asked, picking up on a slight accent.
“I grew up in Boise, Idaho, but I’ve lived a lot of places. I like the climate here. I might make this home.”
“Are you an Army brat?”
“No.” Jade looked out her window, and I took that as a sign that I was heading into something she didn’t want to talk about. “What was it like?” she asked suddenly.
“What?”
She glanced my way, then looked out at the road. “Your experience…if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I didn’t see anything if that’s what you want to know. If I did, I don’t remember it. Sort of like when you wake up after a deep sleep, you know you dreamed, but nothing comes to mind.” I tapped the wheel with my finger. “No one seems to believe me. They all think I won’t talk about it.”
“You keep things to yourself a lot?”
I shrugged and exhaled loudly. “I tell Miranda pretty much everything but not the rest of my friends. They all talk freely about things that concern them, but I keep my thoughts to myself. I suppose I’m sort of private in that regard.”
“Makes sense.” Jade looked back out her window again. “Would I be invading your privacy if I asked you how the accident changed you? You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal, but ever since you told me, I’ve been curious.”
I would’ve been curious, too. I had been about her. So much so that I touched her and invaded her privacy, but I couldn’t be totally honest. Maybe one day I would, but not until I had it all sorted out in my mind and under some semblance of control. “There are some parts I can’t discuss, parts that are still a bit raw and I need time to…cope with them before I can put them to words. The experience has made me look at life differently. I thought this was all there is, and even though I didn’t see a tunnel of light or stunning visions, I came back with a knowing that this isn’t our only existence.”
I could see Jade looking at me out of the corner of my eye, her expression blank. She didn’t say a word. It made me nervous.
I exhaled and continued. “I came back wanting…things.”
“Like what?” she asked softly.
I regretted my admission, but something inside me said if I wasn’t honest with her on this part, all would be lost. I wasn’t really sure what that meant. “I’ve never been an affectionate person, but now…I crave it. I occupied my time with lots of women, but I felt nothing for them. When it became apparent that they were getting attached, I dropped them and ran the other direction. I want to be connected, and I’m not talking about sex. I want interaction, a connection with people.”
“So you were really a player.” Jade folded her arms. “Were you playing the field until you found someone who you wanted to settle with, or was it just the thrill of the hunt?”
“No.” I bit my lip, wishing that we were already in the theater where conversation wasn’t necessary. “Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being happy and having it taken away.” I couldn’t believe I’d admitted that to her. There was only one person to whom I bared my soul because Miranda often knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe it was because I sensed Jade’s hurt and how it permeated her being. Maybe I knew she’d understand.
“I see couples all the time, and I wonder how they make it work, especially the elderly ones that have been together forever. I wonder if it’s truly love or if they just need each other so much that they can’t make it on their own.”
“Maybe a little of both. They love so intensely that they can’t be apart.”
“Scary, isn’t it?” She said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.
I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine. “Yes, it is.”
*******
I’d heard Jade chuckle, but I’d never heard her release a full
-blown laugh. She was slumped down in her seat, body-shaking, cackle laughing. I think I laughed at her more than I did the movie. As we sat there, I realized that maybe I was seeing something few others rarely or if ever did.
She shifted in her seat a lot, even though she was sitting on the end of the row, trying to accommodate her legs. Shorter than her, I was wiggling, too, then her leg connected with mine. Images more vivid than the movie played before my eyes, and I couldn’t pull away.
I felt a breeze on my bare skin, the warmth of the sheets draped across my legs, the cool of the headboard against my back. A woman covered her breasts with her bra and reached for her shirt. “Why have I never seen your house?” I asked and heard Jade’s voice speaking the words.
Blue eyes looked up at us. “You know it’s complicated. My ex likes to makes things difficult for me. She drops in unannounced. She’d go crazy if she found you there.”
Jade knew it was a lie. She’d known for a while, but she hoped things would change. They were having an affair. And for a time, Jade assuaged her conscience by allowing herself to accept the lie. “Lauren, is there ever going to be a time when we do things like normal couples do? Have dinner at home, watch a movie?”
Lauren smiled. “You’d rather do that instead of what we spent half the day doing?”
Jade was weary, I could feel it. “I guess what I’m asking is, will we ever really be together? Where’s this relationship going?”
“Don’t put pressure on me,” Lauren said pleadingly. “I’m dealing with a lot at work, and my ex is driving me crazy. I can’t make any long-term plans right now.” Jade watched as she gathered her things. “I’ll call you.” The sound of her heels clacked across the floor, then a door closed.
Jade sighed deep and wearily. Lauren would call when she was ready for a tryst, but Jade wouldn’t answer.
Jade shifted, and I blinked as the movie screen filled my eyes again. I felt used and angrier with myself than Lauren—Jade’s feelings clung to me like a damp coat. I couldn’t laugh anymore at the onscreen antics. Pivoting in my seat, I sat with my back nearly turned to her, avoiding contact. She took that opportunity to use the armrest, and no matter how much I squeezed into the other side of my chair, we came in contact.
I was being kissed roughly. The woman on top of Jade was grinding into her so hard it felt like my spine was being crushed into the hardwood floor where they were lying. Jade broke the kiss, and we gasped. “Stop,” she said breathlessly.
The woman, who had moved to her neck and was showering it with bites and kisses, rose up on her arms and looked deep into my eyes. “Why?”
Jade didn’t say anything as she stared into the pools of brown, myriad thoughts swirled in her brain. My mind swam as my brain scrambled to make sense of them all. I heard a familiar male voice say somewhere in Jade’s mind, “Chloe and her friends are in stiff competition to see who will bed her first.” I heard and felt Jade wish that she’d never overheard that conversation. I felt her desire for companionship and the sad realization that these brief interludes were all she was ever going to get, all she was worthy of.
“Let’s move to the bed, the floor is killing me.”
Chloe stood and gave Jade a hand up. I could feel the self-loathing, the sadness that permeated Jade. Arousal would be slow in coming. She hoped that Chloe wouldn’t notice.
Jade moved again and broke the connection, and something wet hit my arm. My hand rose slowly to my face. It was damp from my tears. I choked back a sob and clamped my eyes shut until I regained my composure. The images and the accompanying feelings were so much more vivid, more intense than anything I’d experienced in prior encounters. When I looked back up at the movie screen, it looked dull in comparison.
I mustered the courage and looked at Jade. She was no longer laughing at the movie. Slumped down in her seat, she was staring down, not looking at the screen. A finger was pressed to her temple, and I could tell she was somewhere else, deep in thought. She’s dwelling on these memories right now, I thought. That’s why they were so intense. In her profile, I saw what I’d felt—sadness, deep unrelenting sadness.
There we sat two peas in a pod. I was too scared to let go and love, and Jade felt too unworthy to be loved. Had true love slapped either of us in the face, we’d never recognize it because both of us were incapable of receiving.
When the movie ended, we got up and merged into the crowd. In the foyer of the theater, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass frame of a movie poster. I looked like hell. No one would’ve guessed that I’d just seen a comedy. My eyes were swollen, and my face looked puffy and fatigued.
Jade, who was ahead of me, stopped and waited. I caught the quick widening of her eyes when she looked at my face. She opened the door and held it for me to pass through. I mumbled a “thanks” and kept walking. She moved alongside me, and we walked silently to the car.
“You okay?” she asked once we were inside.
“Fine.” A lie passed through my head, and I started to claim that I had an allergic reaction to strong perfume. Two months earlier, I might’ve let it roll off my tongue, but the urge to be honest with her overwhelmed me. I felt my eyes begin to burn again.
“Hey.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw her hand move toward me. I recoiled, rolling my shoulders toward the door. Jade jerked her hand away.
“I know you have a germ phobia, but do you consider me that dirty?”
The latter part of the question was so heavily laced with emotion that I was immediately furious with myself. “No, no, I don’t think you’re dirty.” I took a deep labored breath. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m dealing with things that…tear me up inside. If you touch me, all the emotion is going to come tumbling out like a tidal wave, and I won’t stop for what I fear may be days.”
She was quiet as I turned the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. I had planned to ask her if she’d like to have dinner, but I needed to get her back to her car, then lock myself away. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that she was worthy, deserving of love and of happiness. But I couldn’t, and for the first time in my life, I felt like it truly mattered.
“It’s okay to cry, you know,” she said after we’d ridden for a few minutes. “You can lean on me.”
Jade didn’t ask me what was wrong. She was simply offering comfort. Again, I felt my anger rise at myself, at whomever or whatever had laid this affliction upon me. Maybe I was being cosmically repaid for the hearts I’d broken in my selfish pursuits, but this punishment was too severe. I wasn’t the only jacked-up soul out there who toyed with the emotions of others. At least, my reasons for doing so were because of fear and vulnerabilities. There were many who did it for sport, amusement.
“Would you like me to tell you something funny? It might take your mind off things for a little while.”
I glanced over at her and smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Last night, Guy jumped up on the bed, right in the center of my chest.” She looked over at me. “You ever wake up and not know where you are, even though you’re in your own bed?”
“Many times, yes.”
“I was sleeping so deep, and when that cat hit me, I forgot I had one. I sat straight up and screamed at the top of my lungs.” She started laughing. “Poor Guy looked just like a cartoon character. He jumped straight into the air, all four paws spread eagle, and he screamed just as loud as I did and higher pitched.”
The laugh rumbled up through me. The mental picture, though funny, wasn’t truly the catalyst. I wanted to laugh at something. It felt good to release the pressure that had been building inside.
“After I calmed down, I went looking for Guy. I felt sorry for him. I have high ceilings in the kitchen, so there’s sort of a roost on top of my cabinets, and he was up there hiding.”
“You scared the shit out him, no doubt,” I said with a laugh.
“I checked my bed for just that. I think the scare might’ve taken one or
two of his nine lives.”
I glanced in her direction. “Thanks for that. It helped a lot.”
Jade nodded. “Sometimes, we just need something to laugh at.”
*******
She wasn’t joking about her truck being shitty. The parking lot when I picked her up was full, but by the time we got back to the gym, her old Ford was the only thing out there. I figured it rolled off the assembly line in the early nineties. The door creaked loudly when she opened it. It cranked on the first try, though, and I followed her out of the parking lot in a billow of black smoke.
Later as I lay in bed, thoughts of Jade filled my mind. Two months before, I would’ve been hot on her trail, using every charm I had to get her into my bed. I didn’t know how anyone could look at her and not be attracted. She had it all—a beautiful face, lovely hair, and a body that was eye-popping hot. Had I not peeked into her soul per se, I wouldn’t have ever known that she was so self-deprecating. She carried herself with a confidence that belied what was going on inside. But now I knew she was just a tender soul wanting acceptance and love like the rest of us—like me.
I guess no one ever bothered to look past the armor, maybe Jade never let them. Perhaps she wouldn’t have let me, but I’d gotten a glimpse of what and who she was. To me, that made her lovelier than what was on the outside. I looked at her with different eyes when she got into her truck that night. She was the total package and had no clue.
Chapter 7
“You did what?” Miranda stood on the other side of the counter with her hands on her hips.
“It was platonic. She didn’t want to go to the movies alone.”
“Until you get a handle on this thing, you’re just tempting fate by making new friends.” Miranda narrowed her eyes. “Don’t stand there and tell me that you wouldn’t jump P.P. if she gave you half a chance.”
Half to Death Page 6