by M. J. Fields
“On my dash?” I gasp. “Are you kidding?”
He laughs.
“What were you thinking getting this? I don’t have my license.”
“You don’t right now, but with everything out in the open, you have no damn excuse, Brook Ross.”
I shake my head. “I still like Ray.”
He kisses my hand. “I love Ray.”
When he turns up a familiar road, I don’t know whether to tell him I know he grew up here or to just let it go.
“You okay?”
I nod.
“You sure?”
“On one of our road trips, Lucas drove me past your place.”
“Good. So you know where we’re going.”
“We’re going to see your parents?”
He shrugs. “Still talk to Dad once every week or so. He’s still my dad.”
“Of course.”
He blows out another deep breath. “Reading Carmen’s journal got me thinking. It’s possible that … you know?”
“Your mom?”
He nods. “Just wanna give my old man some information. He can do with it what he wants.”
“I think that’s great, Trucker. I really do.”
“Yeah, and maybe one day when Leddie meets her, she’ll be, you know.” He laughs. “Medicated?”
“It’s a real issue, you know?” I rub his hand, and he nods. “More prevalent than many realize.”
“You ever worry, because we both have that shit in our genes, that maybe …” He stops. “Don’t even want to say it.”
“She’ll be fine either way.”
“I know she will. I just hope she doesn’t have to deal with it.”
“She won’t do it alone.” I laugh. “Didn’t you say you wanted more?”
He looks at me and nods. “Fuck yes, I do. I missed out on …”
“I’m sorry, Trucker. I truly am.”
He shakes his head. “No, Ray, you did it for me, not to hurt me.”
“Because I loved our moments, and I didn’t want them … tainted.”
“I said some horrible shit, Ray, some horrible fucking shit.”
“You were hurting; we weren’t together to deal with it.”
“We are now, and I will never act like a dick to you again.”
I laugh. “Perfection isn’t possible.”
He laughs. “Have you looked at me lately? Have you looked in the mirror? Have you checked out our kid, Ray? It’s fucking possible.”
When we pull into the driveway, I open the door to get out.
“You can stay put, Ray. No need for …” He stops when I get out and shut the door.
“You wanna grab Leddie so she can meet her grandparents? I would, but I have this cast and the crutches.” I look around. “Where are they again?”
He pops the trunk and grabs them. “Here you go. Just … seriously, the steps, they could fall through. The house is—”
I place my fingers over his lips. “I love you.”
He nods. “All right, let’s do this shit.”
He takes Leddie out of the carrier and laughs. “Leddie babe, when I said let’s do this shit, I didn’t mean it literally.”
“Tell Daddy to grab the diaper bag. He’s about to learn how to change a diaper.”
“Ray, I really don’t need to learn all that. We could divide tasks up; do what we’re each good at. Like I can eat your pussy, and you can change shitty—”
“Trucker, be quiet.” I look around.
When I start up the stairs, I take my time and am careful. It’s easier to use one crutch than two, so I leave one at the bottom.
When the door opens, I look up at a Trucker with brown eyes, twenty years from now.
“Wow.” I smile. “I mean, hi. I’m—”
“Hey, Dad, this is my girl, Brooklyn Ross-Fields, and a few other names in-between. I call her Ray.”
“I like Ray, Mr. Cohen.”
He’s not looking at me. He’s looking at Leddie.
“Mr. Cohen, this is Leddie Lou. Trucker just found out she was his. It was my fault—”
“Bullshit, it was mine.” Trucker laughs. “You gonna ask us in?”
“Um, I’m—”
“She here?”
He nods. “Just got here a couple of days ago,” he says quietly.
“I’d like to meet her.” I smile, and he looks at me oddly. “I love your son, Mr. Cohen; she’s part of him.”
It takes him a few seconds to step back.
I look around. The place is spotless. I see a huge TV on the wall that doesn’t match the rest of the furniture.
“See you got the TV put up,” Trucker says.
“CeCe wanted to watch you play.” His father nods. “Thought it should be on the TV you gave us.”
I look up when I see blue eyes and dark hair in the hallway. Both of them just look at her.
She looks down like she might turn around.
“Hi, CeCe?”
She looks up at me.
“I’m Trucker’s … friend.”
“Girlfriend,” he corrects me.
“That, too.” I laugh, and she looks up more. “This is Leddie Lou, and she’s Trucker’s and my daughter. She’d love to say hi.”
Trucker sighs. “She can’t talk yet.”
“She can chat … in her own way.” I point to the couch. “Can we sit?”
“Sure.” Cece nods.
I hop over and sit down, leaning my crutch against the couch before holding my hands out. “Gimme.”
As Trucker walks over, I pat the spot next to me. “Sit with me?”
She looks at Trucker, and he shrugs then hands me Leddie.
“Hey, sweet girl. I think your daddy wanted to talk to your grandpa so me, you, and your grandma can chat.”
I see Cece look at Trucker as if seeking permission, and he looks at his dad.
“Take a walk?”
He nods, and then they both walk out the door.
I pat the spot next to me again and smile. “Come sit?”
She nods and comes over to sit.
I hand her Leddie, and she takes her. She stares down at her, and Leddie starts cooing.
“She likes you already.”
In the vehicle, Trucker is quiet. I give him a few minutes before asking him how it went.
He shrugs.
“Well, your mother and Leddie hit it off.”
He sighs and looks over, rolling his eyes, so I nudge him with my elbow.
He reaches over, takes my hand, and kisses it.
“I think you’re right about her eyes. Not as black as my mom’s, but she gets dark. When it’s quiet for too long, she seems to get anxious.”
He nods.
“Trucker?”
“Ray?”
“I think your dad has some depression issues, too. I think she—”
“She made him that way, Ray? I mean, fuck, how much can a man take?”
“That’s a great question. How much would you take?”
He looks over at me. He’s not happy. Then he looks away.
After stopping to feed Leddie, I’m tired, and he’s still quiet.
I lay the seat back and put my foot up on the dash.
“You hurting?”
I nod. “It’ll be fine.”
He starts the vehicle and begins to shift into drive, but then he stops.
I look over at him.
“You asked how much I would take.”
I nod once.
He looks away and shifts. “I would break my own heart to make sure yours was whole.”
“Isn’t that what he’s doing?”
He nods. “Yeah, Ray, and that scares the hell out of me.”
“Then maybe he is depressed?”
He looks over and sighs. “This fucking conversation is depressing.”
I reach over and grab his hand, holding it to my lips. “My heart’s whole.”
“It always will be.”
New Season
Truc
ker
Before she fell asleep, she was restless. I gave her a pill, which she was hesitant to take. However, I reassured her it was safe and that Leddie wouldn’t be affected by it.
Less than twenty-four hours ago, she was locked in a fucking office after a sociopath took our child. I met our child for the first time in the most fucked-up situation, but thankfully, she will never remember it, just like her mother will never remember what the same man did to her.
Had you asked me mid-season if I thought Ray and I would ever be together again, my head would have said no way, yet my heart would have sung yes.
Had you asked me, when I was so fucking hurt that Logan knew she was pregnant, that she never reached out to me, if we would ever be together again, I would have said fuck no, and my mind would have slammed the door to my heart shut.
JJ was the reason I reached out. In my pain, in my grief, in my anger, I fucking needed her. Hell no did I go about it the right way. For two weeks, I was a grade-A douchebag, and it was all because I was hurt.
When I saw her at the Dome, there was no way in hell I could walk away. The need was stronger than wanting her the first time. And at that point, I didn’t know for sure if Leddie was mine. She kept telling me no when I asked, and it was my uncertainty that kept her away.
My beautiful Ray wasn’t going to ruin my dreams, and she wasn’t going to allow me and my anger, grief, and pain come into that beautiful child’s, the one we created together, life until I knew.
The day of the benefit, when I was on stage, I let go, and she messaged me. Still believing that my life would always be shit, I told her fuck you.
In the vehicle with Logan, I saw how angry he was at me, and honestly, it’s not nearly as angry as I was at myself, but I didn’t realize it until then.
Then, that fucking musical, the car, and all that we found out, that’s when it hit me. I lucked out that it only took a couple days, because when I told her that I would break my own heart to make sure hers was whole, I said it because she had done just that. She had let me go, she had let me live my dream, and all she has ever wanted were moments.
I would give them to her from now until the day I die.
No, I didn’t have to fight that hard. I didn’t even scratch the surface of what I was willing to do for her. That was the second greatest gift she has ever given me.
Sitting at the end of the driveway of our home, I watch her sleep with Leddie on my lap. She’s tugging at my face and whispering sweet, little sounds to me.
“I’m listening, Leddie. I’m always gonna listen.”
When I look over, I see Ray smiling at me.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Is this part two of our adventure?” she asks as she stretches a bit and sits up.
“It’s a moment, Ray.”
She smiles. She looks so damn happy.
“You know how fucking beautiful you are?”
“You know how beautiful you make me feel?”
I’m leaning over to kiss her when I get a hand to the face.
I scowl at Leddie. “Cockblocker.”
“Trucker!” Ray laughs.
Leddie shoves a finger in my nose.
“Yeah, I know. Someone’s getting hungry, huh?”
“Give me her.” She shakes her head at me and takes our daughter. “Daddy is naughty.”
“Mommy used to love it when Daddy was naughty.”
She smiles as she lays her on her lap, lifts her shirt, opens the trap door, and …
“Sweet Jesus, Ray.”
She looks at me from out of the corner of her eyes as she rubs her nipple across our daughter’s mouth.
“And now that fantasy is gone. Cockblocker,” I joke.
“Not so beautiful today, huh?”
I lean over and kiss her cheek. “Absolutely beautiful. Just not in a football pants, second trimester, two fingers deep kind of way.”
“What?” She seems shocked.
“Oh, Ray.” I laugh. “Someday, I’ll tell you a story.”
I reach up and turn on the ignition.
She puts her hand over mine on the shifter. “She’s not in her seat, Trucker.”
“Relax, Ray. I wanna show you something.”
I start up the driveway, and she leans forward, taking it all in. When we crest the hill, she looks out over the property. I stop the car and let her look at it all.
“Should we buy this place?” I ask.
She laughs like it’s a joke. “Yeah, let’s.”
I push on the gas and pull up in front of the house. Then I reach over her and grab the garage door opener out of the glove box and hand it to her. “Hit that button, Ray.”
Still looking around in awe, she hits it, and when the garage door opens, she laughs nervously and looks at me.
“Welcome home, girls.”
She shakes her head as I pull into the garage. Then she looks at me and grins. Then she laughs. And then … then she leans toward the windshield and looks at the wall.
“That’s … That’s …”
“All the pictures you drew of me. My greatest season to date.”
She points at the one, my favorite one, that she drew of me. “You sold that. At the bar that night. You sold—”
I shake my head. “Couldn’t sell it. I like the way I look through your eyes.”
I get her hopping around the place while Leddie and I carry in all the baby shit Lucas packed up.
“There is no way in hell you need all this.” I laugh as I carry the last piece of portable baby gear out of the vehicle.
When I walk in, I look around for her. “Ray, where you hiding?”
“In the kitchen!” she yells. “Have you seen this place?”
I nod and enjoy her moment.
“I’m going to cook up a storm in here!”
“You should see the outside kitchen.”
“Show me! Show me now!” She laughs as she uses her crutches to follow behind me.
“Is that a pool?”
Before I can answer, she asks, “And a hot tub? And the water?”
“Yeah, Ray, it’s all that, and that water is close to our beach.”
“Can we go there?”
“You do see the snow, right?”
She palms her face and laughs. “Yeah.”
“Plenty of time when you’re all healed up to explore everything, Ray.
“I wanna show you something,” I say, walking back to the kitchen and through the corridor. “This is shut because it gets a bit chilly, but I think you’ll like it.” I open a door then watch her face when she sees the sunroom.
“It’s … It’s stunning.”
“I thought it would be a hell of a lot better to draw in here than on a ledge somewhere.”
“Yeah.” She grins as she hobbles around. “And you can see the ocean, and the river, and …” She turns around. “Is this real?”
“Yeah, it’s real. It’s the product of the best season of my life so far. It’s because of you, Ray.”
She shakes her head and tears fill her eyes.
“Yeah, it is.” I walk over and hug her. “Without you believing in me, I wouldn’t have shit.”
“You would have.”
“No, Ray, I wouldn’t.”
“You know you’re not in the city when people leave their doors wide open!”
Her jaw drops. “Is that …?”
“Yeah.” I smile. “I think it’s time she meets her girls, girl.”
She grabs my face and the crutches drop. She grips my hair with her fingers and fucking kisses me like she did before.
“Fuck yes.”
I don’t regret inviting Shakeeka here one bit, but she will not put Leddie down. She is loving on her something fierce, and if not for the fact that Ray is beaming as she watches her with our daughter, it may be a little hard to deal with.
When I’m making dinner, they spend an hour in the sunroom. I make a mental note to get heat installed in there so she can soak
up all the rays, all the time.
Vitamin D, baby.
When they come out, I look over my shoulder. “Have you picked out Leddie’s room yet?”
“No.” Ray laughs.
“Why don’t you do that? After dinner, I’ll put her things in it.”
“Where’s our room?” she asks.
“Up the stairs, last door to the left.”
My phone rings, and I look around for it.
Ray grabs it off the counter.
“Who is it?”
She looks at the screen. “Johnny?”
Shit, I ignored his calls for three days.
I look for a towel. “Can you hit accept and put it on speaker?”
“What the fuck is going on, Cohen?” comes his voice. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of your ass for two days. Fucking Twitter is—”
“Johnny,” I try to interrupt, but he doesn’t shut up.
“You’re all the fuck over the place, which is really good for sponsorships, but not when you’re out playing goddamn superhero to a kid and not answering your agent’s call!”
“Things have been—”
“Who’s the hot piece of ass in the picture with the kid?”
“You listen to me, mother—”
“For fuck’s sake. Well-played, man. I hope you’re tapping that for real. If not, feel free to share her info. I’d like to—”
“Shut the fuck up!”
Ray covers her mouth to hide a laugh.
I point to her. “This isn’t funny.”
“Never said it was. It’s fucking genius,” Johnny says.
“Johnny, you got a pen?”
“Yeah, man. Why? What’s up?”
“Take a fucking note.”
“Let’s have it.”
“You’re fucking fired.”
“What?” He laughs.
“Ray, hang up the—”
“I’m heading up your driveway with a fat contract and a bottle of champagne, man. It’s pay day, Cohen.”
And … he hangs up.
“I’m gonna kill him.” I storm toward the door, but she steps in front of me, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me.
She starts shaking, and I don’t know if she’s crying or laughing.
“Show me that face, Ray,” I demand.