by M. J. Fields
She interrupts, just like I did when Mom told me, “Dad would have.”
London sniffs, and I look over at her and squeeze her hand before continuing, “She said Dad and her were never right. She admitted she was always jealous of Tessa. Dad never denied he loved her, and she could have lived with it. But the way Robert puts her first, the way he has been fighting for her when she couldn’t, the way he loves her is the kind of love she needed then, now, and as she said, hopefully for a very long time.”
“So, she’ll be okay?”
London squeezes my hand again. I’d thought the same thing.
“She tried to make me believe that, but Robert—”
“Moon Face,” Ava scowls.
“Same guy,” I shrug. “He told me the truth. Mom has been through every treatment under the sun. She’s done trial after trial, and when another become available, she did that too. Nothing thus far has worked, and she’s exhausted. She’s tired of fighting, and she’s only doing it for us, for him, for the hope that some miracle will come about, and it’s not, Ava.” I have to stop, I’m tearing up. But I have to push myself to finish this now. “She’s done, Ava. She wants to be pain free and rest.”
I take a few minutes to let her, and yes, myself, process that again, before I go on.
“She made me promise not to tell you. She said she wanted you to remember her being with you at the hospital, you to remember her helping. And someday, you’d know the nanny she hired was because she was too sick to be there, not because she didn’t want to be.” The dam bursts. “The only reason she summoned me was because she didn’t want the last time I saw her to be when she pushed me away. She wanted to protect us from this. She wants us to live and not feel responsible for her health.”
“She doesn’t get to decide that, Logan, and shame on you for—”
“Ava, don’t do that to him. You have no idea how much he loves you and how hard this has been for him. Please,” London pleads, “Please try to understand.”
I continue, “She has stage four glioblastoma. A week before the twins were born, she found out twenty percent of patients with it live more than a year.” Ava sobs. “Three percent live more than three years. At best, she has—”
“Moments,” Ava cries, and Luke walks around and squats in front of her, and he holds her.
“She said, after London gave her hell in that letter, she knew her babies were where they are meant to be and who they are meant to be with. She said that she may not get to see my little girl or little boy get married, but I got to see them graduate high school, college. She said Ava is engaged and has beautiful babies, and that I was engaged now, too. I have seen my children grow up, and that is a blessing. She hated to miss your wedding, but she was in the middle of a treatment.”
“I’m so mad at you,” Ava cries into Luke’s shoulder.
“I told her you would be, I told her I knew that because I would be pissed at you. She asked me to love her enough to hold off until the time is right for you. I don’t think it is. You have a new baby, but I don’t think there is much time left.”
“You don’t get to choose that, you aren’t God!”
“And I wish I was never put into the position where I had to make the call. But look at me.” I hate that I’m crying. “I can’t do it anymore! Not to her, not to you, not to my wife, not to…”
When Ava pushes Luke away and stands up, I’m ready for her to come at me swinging. When she lunges at me and hugs me instead, I lose my shit completely.
“What are we going to do without her?” Ava sobs. “What are we going to do to make up all this time? All the harsh words??”
“She loves us anyway, Ava, she’s our mom, like that damn book said, she’ll love us forever.”
Ava sniffs and hugs me tighter. “She read that to you, Loggie because you’re her favorite.”
“There’s a lot more, but you and I need to talk about something else.” Her grip on me tightens like she’s afraid, “It’s technically not about Mom. It’s about Robert.”
“Moon Face.”
“Same guy.”
She sniffs, “Go ahead.”
“He loves her, Ava, like Luke loves you, like I love London and like Dad loves Tessa. He loves her and has done everything right by her. When she can’t fight, he fights for her. When she fires the nursing staff because she’s having issues with anger or memory loss, he smooths it over for her until he can get more staffing. He’s changing IV lines, bathes her, forces her to eat and loves her.”
“Not that I’m ungrateful, but fuck him.” She sits back. “He pushed her to steal from our father.”
I smile.
“It’s not cute or happy or—”
London pipes in, “Links Construction is in Logan’s name now. She wants you to own half.”
“What about Dad?” Ava asks.
“The stipulation was that his name doesn’t go on anything that has Mom’s.”
“That’s wrong,” Ava huffs and crosses her arms.
“Yeah, well, Mom did work.” I lean back. “But old Moon Face asked us to piss all over anything with Landon’s name on it and has no problem with us putting Dad’s back on those.”
“What?” Ava’s eyes widen, and she looks amused.
“You know a good lawyer?”
“She knows the best.” Luke walks over and sits at the end of the bed.
“It’s a big fucking company. We’re gonna need to hire the best of the best to grow it even bigger.” I look at Luke. “You know any kick-ass contractors?”
He doesn’t say a damn thing, he looks down.
“He knows the best,” Ava smiles.
Then her face falls. “But none of this until...”
When she stops, I don’t have to fill in the blanks. “Robert asked the same. Everything we’ve done, we’ve done together. I’m just pushing paperwork and okaying shit. He’s in the city, and that’s where the biggest projects are going. As much as I love Dad, respect the hell out of him, Landon, our Grandfather’s name, held back the growth. Mom’s and Robert’s,” I sigh. “It’s going to be a lot of work, Ava.”
“We’re a product of the man who built it up and the woman who apparently skyrocketed it.”
“We are.” I glance at London who is smiling, but this isn’t her dream, not even in the slightest, and I’ll be damned if me doing this takes that away from her.
“My wife has more than two years left of school, and big dreams of her own. You have three kids and—”
“We’ll figure it out, all of us.” Ava takes my good hand, and Luke’s, Luke takes London’s and winks at her, and she looks at my robotic, temper tantrum, emotional breakdown, painful as fuck contraption then holds my forearm.
“I need to see her.” Ava looks at me.
“Can you wait for me to get the hell out of here and the four of us go?”
“And the kids.”
“She can pull off Facetime, Ava, with a wig, makeup, and shit lighting, but she doesn’t want to see you, let alone the kids like she is.”
“She’s going to hold Faith,” Ava says sternly.
I nod. “She may not think she’d like that, but I know she would.”
“So, the five of us?” Luke asks.
“Yeah,” I nod.
“Don’t think I’m not still pissed at you, Logan,” Ava sniffs as the tears start falling again.
“I understand, and pray to God that someday you’ll understand and forgive me.”
Hold Closer
London
After Luke and Ava leave the room, I ask Logan, “How long before she tells your father?’
“I’m hoping soon.” He lies back. “I hate keeping this shit from them, but I also hate breaking my promise.”
“Well, I think you did the right thing.”
“I could kill someone, and you’d say that.” He takes my hand and kisses it.
“Like hell I would,” I laugh.
“You better.”
“Well, let
’s try not to be murderous anytime soon, your secrets are killing me, smalls.”
“You’re not alone.” I look up and see Dad walk in, holding Mom’s hand.
“Could you shut the door, please?” Logan asks.
Brody stands behind the chair. “Sit, Em.”
Before she sits, she hugs Logan. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“We asked to see Ava and Luke first because part of the reason we didn’t want to wait to get married had to do with a promise we made to Ashley.”
“What does Ashley have to do with this?” Brody asks.
Before I have a chance to answer, Logan says, “She’s dying.”
Mom places her hand over her heart, and Dad, for the first time, looks like he feels like an ass. That’s nice and all, but not our intention.
“Everything Logan did, his asking permission to marry me, his proposal in front of our entire family, he did for us. Not for him, because honestly, he could probably give a shit less about—”
He interrupts me, “I give a shit, London.”
“Sorry, I know you do.”
“I wanted my mom to be at our wedding.” He looks up at Brody. “I knew she wouldn’t be if we waited until London graduated, and—”
“I understand.” Brody lets out a held breath and shakes his head.
“How is she now?” Mom asks.
“She doesn’t want anyone to know.”
“She made him promise not to tell Ava. Lucas—” When Logan shifts uncomfortably, I look up.
“Sore. I’ll be fine.”
I hit the call button, and he protests, “London, I can handle the pain.”
“I can’t, and you shouldn’t have to.”
“The sooner I get out of here, the sooner we get on the road, the sooner I can see how disappointed she is in me. I don’t want the meds, I just wanna go home.”
“There’s no way she’s going to be, Logan.” I lean over and kiss him. “And Ava doesn’t hate you, Dad’s even calm, and Mom,” I look at her. “I’m a little nervous about her.”
Mom laughs, “Me?”
“You’re too calm. It’s freaking me out.”
“I know who I raised, and now I know who she married is perfect for her.” I smile. “Are there pictures?”
I didn’t even need to think about how that will make her feel. That’s going to hurt her.
The nurse comes in, and I am grateful for the first time to see one.
“He’s in pain, but only wants enough to take the edge off. And he wants out of here ASAP. So, what do you have for him?”
After she gives him the med through his IV, he settles back.
And before he closes his eyes, he looks at my parents and says, “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”
“We understand.” Dad grips Mom’s shoulder, and she looks up at him. He leans in and kisses her reverently.
I heart them.
Once Logan closes his eyes, I get off his bed. “I need to use the bathroom; will you make sure he’s…”
“Go,” Mom smiles. “I don’t think he’s going to move.”
When I come back, Mom is standing beside him looking down at him, and Brody is behind her with his hands on her hips and his chin on her shoulder.
“Don’t even think about smothering him.”
“Why must you put ideas in my head?” He winks at me.
“So, I’m sorry. I know it hurt you, but I hope you can understand.”
“Looking at him sleeping, no hat covering his eyes, I can see just how handsome he is.”
“Em, are you trying to make me jealous?” He nips her neck.
“For years, I thought you spontaneously bit her to annoy her, now I totally get why that’s…”
“And I’m out of here.” Dad shakes his head back and forth. “This is definitely way beyond my comfort zone. I’m going to find Maddox.”
“Yeah, because his back-stage blow jobs are any worse than me having sex for the first time on my wedding night.”
“Maddox is a man, you’re my little girl. I don’t even care to defend it, it just is. Have a nice chat, Em, and don’t you dare bring it back to me.”
“I could make up a song now about why sex toys are NOT better than boys,” I call after him.
He stops, turns around, points his finger at me. “Don’t you dare.”
“Why plastic is not really fantastic.”
“Christ,” he sputters as he leaves Logan’s room.
As soon as he leaves, I look at Mom. She runs her hand up and down her face. “So…”
“Epic, awesome, best thing in the world. I am sooo—”
“London,” she lets out a slow breath and looks up.
“I’m talking about married life.”
She looks at me, quirking an eyebrow, and I grin.
She sighs, “You are still my baby.”
“I’m a woman.”
“You’re—”
“In love with a man who is attentive, loving, loyal, and very patient with me.”
Mom looks at me. “Those are all a mother wants for her daughter.”
“And?” I pause and bite my lip.
“And what?”
“Well, I think they named the new tubing for the catheter after him,” I try not to laugh.
“What?” Mom asks.
“He’s huge.” She palms her face, but I continue, “Like—”
“Okay, that’s something I don’t really want to know.”
“Well, every one of those nurses did,” I huff. “I mean, how often does one need to check out a catheter? I wanted to pull it out myself and spray them with it.” Mom tries not to laugh, so of course, I keep going. “I should have. Thirsty hoes could have gotten a mouth full of piss, but oddly I think they’d have liked it.”
“Okay, stop, would you?” she giggles.
I lunge at her and hug her. “I love you, and I am so, so sorry.”
“Never be sorry for what you do in the name of love, just make sure he’s worth it. And London, for what it’s worth, I think you’ve got one that is one in a million.”
“Because he’s hung like a—”
“No!” She laughs.
I step back and smile. “I know. I just really needed to see you smile, and Mom, I need another hug, I’m so exhausted.”
“Oh London” She hugs me. “I’ll always be here, no matter how old you are, whether or not you’re a virgin, or got married in secret. I will always love you, more.”
I feel my body shake in silent sobs as she holds me tighter. “I hate that he’s going to lose her, Mom, you should see them together.”
“London.” She rubs my back.
“I love him so much that when he hurts, so do I. I just want to fix it all for him, but there isn’t any way to do that.”
“I know this is going to sound cold, London, but all the firsts you and he share will make what you have together even stronger. And London, the only way to survive is to hold each other closer, even when you want to push each other away. Your first goodbye is going to stay with you as long, possibly longer than your first kiss.”
Holding her
Luke
At Ava’s request, we leave the hospital in a hurry to avoid Lucas. The girl knows how to keep a secret, but she’s afraid he’ll see the warning signs, and she’ll spill it because she hates them.
On the way out the door, she holds my hand a little tighter, and I pull her a little closer.
“Mom said they’re all asleep. How about you and I go on a date?”
“If that’s your way of trying to get in my pants,” she looks at her wristwatch. “It’s almost one in the morning, I say we hit Taco Bell, and I’ll give you a blow job after I eat.”
I almost trip over abso-fucking-lutely nothing, and she grabs my hand firmer as she snakes her pinky part way around my wrist, the same way she does Chance or Hope when they almost fall.
“Ava.” I shake my head, and she looks up, not missing a damn beat.
“W
hat?”
I stop and tug her hand, so she stops too. When she looks back, she shakes her head. “I’m not ready to deal with this.”
“Ava,” I sigh.
“Nope, not now. I can’t.” She yanks on me like she’s six foot three and two hundred and twenty pounds. “Now let’s go.”
I walk with her. “Love you, Ava, and I hear you. But as your husband, I’m gonna have to tell you I know my wife better than you do right now, so you’re going to lose your shit before we get home.”
“Don’t piss me off, Lane,” she says not slowing down one bit.
“Don’t try to sidetrack me with tacos and blow jobs, Lane.”
She turns on me, which I not only expected, I incited. I scoop her up and throw her over my shoulder.
“Don’t be an asshole.” She smacks at my back.
“Don’t be a badass or try to be a lone wolf.” I smack her ass, which may not be appropriate at the moment, but I fucking love her ass.
“You’re gonna fuck up your knee, I’m a Chevy half ton right now!”
My wife can tell the difference between a real Gucci and a knock-off when some experts can’t, and I’m not even sure she knows the difference between a Chevy and a Ford but now is certainly not the time to rib her about that, even if I think it would lighten her mood. “You’re nothing more than a Hot Wheel.”
When she grabs my waist, holds herself steady and stops thrashing, I know what she’s thinking. When I get to the truck, and she doesn’t try to get down, I quietly pull the key fob out and unlock it.
I walk to the passenger side and open the door. I grab her hips and pull her down. She wraps her arms around my neck, buries her head in my shoulders, and she cries.
I wrap one arm around her waist and walk to the back of the truck, pull the tailgate down, and still holding her, I sit my ass on it. She wraps herself around me, and she cries harder.
“I’m here, Ava, not going anywhere. My ears, my eyes, and my heart are open for you to use. Let go of anything and everything you can, let me carry the burden for you. Don’t you forget, blue eyes, you’re not alone, not this time.”