by M. J. Fields
I lean in to kiss him, and he leans back, holding the journal between us. “You and Logan, Ashley too, if you two think she can handle it, you write your truths about saying goodbye.”
Wrapped
Logan
I slept for a few hours with London wrapped so tight around me it felt like she was holding me together, and she was. Has been since that day I walked in and saw Mom and found out she was dying.
“Logan,” she whispers. “Are you in pain?”
“No.”
“Logan,” she sighs.
I remember what she said to me before bed. “My hand aches, this contraption is annoying… pisses me off.”
“But?”
“My heart hurts worse now. It hurts for you having to deal with all my shit.”
“Our shit.”
I kiss her head and continue, “It hurts even more now because Ava was happy, she was, and now she has this burden to carry, and Mom didn’t want that.”
“But Ava needs to be here for her, too. Not just for her, but for your mom.”
I nod and shrug. “You know who else it hurts for, London?” I take her hand and place it on my heart. “It hurts right here for Dad. It hurts because I can’t imagine having loved someone, had kids with them, lost them, and then being unable to fix it for them. As much as I hurt, he’s gotta hurt as much, maybe even more.”
I hear someone sniffing, and London and I both sit up.
Ava.
I could go off about boundaries or how fucked up it is that my sister is sitting in the corner of our room in a chair for who knows how long, but it is what it is. And it’s Ava.
“I couldn’t sleep and wanted to see if maybe we could go to see Mom. But then you two looked so,” she sniffs, “Peaceful.”
London gets up and hurries over and hugs her.
“Thank you for helping him through all this, London.”
“Oh Ava,” London whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know how to say goodbye,” Ava whispers.
“Then don’t.” London releases her and squats down in front of my sister. “Tell her you’ll see her again because you will someday. Tell her you love her, and that love never leaves, it doesn’t fade, it stays with us forever, love never dies, not ever.”
“I never thought anything would hurt as much as losing T. But this,” she clutches her shirt, “This is so hard.” She looks up at me as I walk toward them and Ava begins to cry harder as she asks me, “How have you done this for so long?”
I lean down and hug her. “Haven’t done it alone, Ava.”
“London.” Ava hugs me back.
“You have Luke, too, and me, and Dad, and…”
“I don’t want to lose her when I feel like I just got her back, Logan.”
I feel like not just my lungs, but my soul has gotten the wind knocked out of it. She hugs me tighter. “We have to do this together, Logan. We have to.”
I choke back my impending tears. “Like Mother’s Day breakfast in bed.”
She nods and laughs through her tears, “But you can’t burn the toast this time.”
“You burnt the toast,” I joke.
“No,” she leans back shaking her head back and forth, “It was always you.”
“Can’t prove it though.” I smile at my sister. My very first friend. The first person I felt… protective of. The one person who knows exactly how perfect of a life we had, before the divorce… before the demon.
London starts clapping, and Ava and I both look up at her like she’s nuts, which she is… in a good way, “You two need to go now.” A tear falls. “Go!” She laughs now. “Go, make Ashley Mother’s Day breakfast, burnt toast and all.” She closes her eyes, tears fall, she shakes her head and laughs. “Remind her who she is to you. Who she will always be to you.”
Ava nudges me as she stands. “Hug your wife, Loggie. She’s losing it.”
“Nah, she’s not losing it.” I smile at her. “She’s just… London.”
Ava laughs through her tears, “I’m going to get ready.”
Hugging London, she looks up at me, and I kiss away her tears. “It’s not lost on me that this is hard on you, too. I’m sure it brings back memories of your dad. I’m sorry, Pretty.”
“We have each other, Logan.”
“We’re Links strong, huh?”
She nods and puckers her lips wanting a kiss, she deserves a million. I give her as many as I can before she pushes me away. “Go.”
“Go?”
She nods and smiles, “Go.”
It is odd making breakfast at the penthouse. As Robert sits and watches us, I’m reminded Dad did the same thing every year back in the day, but he didn’t sit quietly like Robert does.
Back when this all started, before we knew she was sick, and it was all ‘just an affair,’ I despised Robert. Hated him, called him names behind his back, wished he’d drop off the face of the earth.
I now have more respect for my mother’s husband than I ever imagined.
Because I now understand the truth.
I watch Ava pick a big piece of eggshell from the dish where she had disposed of them after cracking them. She sets it on the plate in the middle of the pile of scrambled eggs, that always starts out as an omelet, and looks over at me. “Now she’ll think you made them.”
She smiles like she always did before she knew tragedy.
Before T died.
“What?’ she asks.
I can’t answer her, because in doing so it would reveal a truth about me, the truth that this was the first time, and I’m sure it’s the first of many, that I am losing someone who owns part of my heart, irrevocably.
“Okay then.” She moves behind me toward the toaster and pushes down the lever. “I’ll burn the toast too.”
“I see you, Ava. I know you’re not weak. Right now, I envy your strength.”
She freezes as she looks at me.
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to feel it again. The hurt, the pain, the grief.”
She looks down and admits, “I’m more afraid for you now than before.”
“For me?”
She nods and looks back up. “You and Mom are a lot alike, you know. You internalize everything, hide things because you think only you can handle them.” She shrugs and looks down. “I did that too, but, Logan,” she looks up at me, “We can all imagine how we’ll deal with a situation, but until we’ve been there, until we’ve been in the thick of it, we never know how we’ll react when it actually happens.” She sighs, “And unfortunately, until you’ve been through it, you can never imagine you’ll live through it.”
She pulls my shirt, closing the space I created almost a year ago and hugs me. “Every step we take moves us beyond the pain, but you’ll never forget it, you’ll never grow immune to it, but the past, it reminds you why you need to continue taking steps forward. Although you cannot imagine it now, you’re not leaving them behind, all the people you love will forever be part of who you are, and how you love forever.”
The realization hits again, this time stronger. “I never should have kept it from you.” London’s advice to be open, and Ava’s strength makes it easier to admit my truth, “I think a part of me also knew she wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you.”
“Loggie, she looks good, but I know the truth. She’s in pain. She’s tired.”
We both look up as Robert stands and starts to walk out of the kitchen.
“Robert,” Ava says, and he stops. “Come here.”
When he turns, I see the emotion on his face. He doesn’t move, so Ava takes my hand, and we walk to him.
Ava hugs him first. “She loves you, and we’ll be here whenever you need us.”
The past is behind us
Lucas
When I received a call from a blocked number, I didn’t hesitate to answer like I normally would have.
When it was Robert asking me to bring Faith to their place, I was almost speechless, almost.
<
br /> When he opened the door and thanked me for coming, I saw something familiar in his face, pain.
Stepping into their home, I couldn’t help but see Ashley everywhere.
Looking around, I tell him, “Your home is beautiful.”
“She made it so.”
I look back at him as I set the baby carrier down and easily forget this is the man who had an affair with my ex-wife.
Removing Faith from the carrier, I tell him, “She’s asleep and going to wake hungry.” I shrug the diaper bag off my shoulder and squat to get the bottle Tessa prepared before we left.
“I think Ashley might like to feed her.” I know Ash would like to feed her, is what the idiot with the ego wants to say, but my ego is in time out. “You wanna take her in?”
When he hesitates, I almost regret offering.
“I think maybe you should.”
God, I hate being an adult sometimes, I think. But again, the ego is in time out. “How about you take your granddaughter, and I’ll take the bottle?”
We stare at each other for a few moments as I picture Collin arching an eyebrow and smirking while he holds, then tugs the leash to my ego. The man always was better than I was.
“I invited you over because I think she needs to unburden her regrets.”
“And I’m here. But I still think you should be the one to bring her to Ash.”
Again, he hesitates, but the emotion on his face is again recognizable. It’s how I always felt around the Ross family after I crushed Tessa. Like I wasn’t worthy of the gift they so freely gave.
“Robert, this one wakes like her grandmother. She’s going to want what she wants, and that will be this bottle, and someone to hold her while she drinks it.”
He smiles sadly but holds out his arms.
“I’ll give you a few minutes.” He looks up at me suspiciously. I hold up my hands. “I won’t steal the artwork.”
The dick in me wants to add, like you did my business, but again, I adult… like a boss.
After just a few minutes, Logan comes out and shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets. “So?”
“I was summoned.”
He smirks, “Well, you’re being summoned again, Mom wants to see you.”
I nod, “Okay.”
“Dad, regardless of what Ava said—”
“I know.”
He eyes me skeptically like he doesn’t think I can handle it, but he doesn’t know Tessa has already prepared me for what I am about to face.
“Logan, I’m Dad, bud, I got this, and I have you when you need me, too.”
Logan hugs me. “You loved her once.”
I hug him a little tighter. “Always will, she gave me you and Ava.”
He clears his throat, steps back, and turns away.
“And Logan, grown men cry.”
“Not right now they don’t.”
“Son, in a different situation, I would tell you if your wife sees you cry, let down your guard, the sex is amazing.”
His shoulders move up and down as he silently chuckles. “In a different situation, I’d tell you I already know that.”
I clamp my hand on his shoulder. “Good to hear.”
He looks back at me and asks, “You good?”
“I’m good as long as my kids are.”
“I’m good.” He rolls his eyes. “And Ava’s even better.”
“Every step, every fall, every scar makes us stronger.”
“Jesus L Christ, she is you.”
“Ava?”
“Who else?” he smiles as he shakes his head.
I follow Logan into Ash’s room. It’s bright and beautifully decorated. There are room dividers scattered behind her, and I’m sure they’re hiding the things Tessa told me to expect. The medical equipment.
When Ash looks up, she smiles, but not at Logan or I, at the space between.
“Thanks for bringing the baby, Lucas.”
“Well we weren’t real busy. Just watching some college football game.”
“Syracuse playing?”
I walk closer as I tell her, “No, their team went to hell after our boy graduated.”
When I’m at the foot of her bed, her eyes finally find mine.
Ash’s sight is going.
She smiles. “Well, let’s hope that this little one,” she pauses and looks down, “I mean, Chance can change that in…” she pauses like she’s trying to figure it out.
“Oh Mom, we have lots of time.” Ava smiles at her, and I watch as Ash turns to find her eyes.
“Well, just make sure your father keeps that box for when he does.”
I walk over next to Ava and sit in the chair beside them on the bed. “You look good, Ash.”
“I feel good. The kids made me breakfast in bed. Even left the shell in the eggs and burnt the toast for old time’s sake.”
I laugh, and so do the others.
When Ava hugs her, I notice the nightgown she’s wearing is at least four times too big for her. She looks like she’s lost nearly half her body weight.
“Did Tessa come?” She looks toward the door.
“Nope, just me and Faith. She, London, and Luke are back at the apartment watching football and cooking. They plan on coming over later.”
“Tell Tessa, if she’s taking requests, I haven’t had chicken poop in a long time.”
“She made that last night,” Ava laughs. “I’ll text her and ask her to pack up some leftovers.”
I joke, “Make sure you say shit and not poop. She might get confused.”
When Faith gets fussy, Ava sighs, “You need a change.”
“Robert, can you take her to the guest room?”
He leans over and kisses Ashley’s cheek. “Of course.”
“Logan, can your father and I have a minute?”
Logan looks at me as if to ask if I’m okay.
My kid checking on me. How fucked up is that? Reality is my boy has been watching his mom dying for a year, so I get it.
I lift my chin telling him yeah.
“Is he gone?” she asks when he’s just getting to the door, and he looks back giving me a questioning look. He doesn’t even realize just how much she’s failing. I nod to the door, to tell him to go, not because I want him to, but because I do want to respect her wishes.
“Yeah, Ash, he’s gone.”
“I’m dying.” She stops and then shakes her head, and her hand clenches and unclenches, so I take it.
She sighs, and she looks up at me. “I love them, Lucas.”
“Ash, they know that.”
“Do you?”
Her question breaks my heart. “Yeah, Ash, I do.”
She closes her eyes and squeezes them like she’s in pain. “What can I do to make it easier for you?”
She lets out a gust of air, and it doesn’t smell like I expected, it smells sweet, like sugar.
When she doesn’t answer, I push my arm behind her and gently pull her closer to me.
“I don’t deserve your kindness.”
“We’re past all that shit, you and me. So, you do, and if you don’t accept it, I’m gonna give you hell.”
She leans into me and fuck, if she’s not… tiny.
When her eyes squint again, I place my hand on the base of her skull and rub. “Better?”
“I didn’t know the headaches were cancer. But when I did, I knew I was going to die.”
“Ash, there’s no need to explain a damn thing to me, okay?”
“I need you to understand.”
“Done.”
She looks out of the corner of her eye, and I swear she rolls them.
“Ash, did you just roll your eyes at me?”
“Don’t be so… agreeable.”
“You wanted them to leave so you could fight with me?” I laugh, and she smiles for just a moment.
“I want you to tell me how awful I am, so I can tell you I’m sorry.”
“Can we skip that, Ash?” She looks up at me, and I’m a
ware my emotions aren’t masked at-fucking-all.
I continue rubbing the base of her skull.
“I know and accepted Tessa would always be loved by you. Until the headaches became unbearable.”
“We could have moved to the fucking moon, Ash. If you had just—”
She interrupts, “Then I saw Robert and knew that even though he broke my heart when we were younger, he loved me the way you loved her. And I loved him the way she loved you. As time passed, I began to crave that attention, and then Collin died.” She glances up, and I nod. “When I lost it at the wedding, I knew there was no going back. I knew I had crossed a line. So, well, I need you to know that it wasn’t that you weren’t enough, not ever. But it was that,” she tenses.
“Ash, none of this is necessary, okay? I get it, you needed him.”
“And I needed you to be the man you were for them. For our babies. I couldn’t be, and I needed Robert and all that love he had for me, and to show him all I had for him was still there before I couldn’t ever do that again.” She looks up at me. “I’m dying, Lucas. I’ve been dying for a long time now, and I need to ask you to do something for me.”
“Anything, Ash, anything.”
“Robert makes sure the IV is in the arm I can seem to move, and he does it so I don’t push the damn pain button. He says he can see when I’m in pain, and it’s his job to take care of me. I know it’s because there are times at night I can’t breathe well, and he’s afraid I’ll end it.”
“Ash, please don’t ask—”
“Lucas, I can’t tell him that sometimes I ache so bad that I wish I could walk just so I could get to the balcony and throw myself off of it. I can’t tell our kids that sometimes I can’t hear them well, or that I can’t see them, or that the food they made me might as well have all been burnt toast and eggs full of shells because I can’t taste it anyway. The only thing I can still count on is I can feel, Lucas, and sometimes it’s too much to bear. I can’t keep doing this, Lucas, it hurts.”