by Andy Stanton
Polly didn’t wait to hear any more but zipped into the house. There in the hallway stood the chest. It was the only beautiful thing in that lonely place and it seemed to shine with hope and furniture polish. She threw the lid open, looked inside and found nothing at all.
The chest was completely empty.
Chapter 11
How It All Turned Out
It had been too long. All the chocolate had turned to dust or been eaten by sailors.
Any other girl would have given up right then and sunk to her knees in despair on Mr Gum’s yuck carpet. But Polly wasn’t any other girl, she was Polly.
So into the dark depths of that chest she climbed. It was much larger than it had looked from the outside and it smelt of old sea adventures and underwater business. She scrabbled around on the wooden floor, lost in the darkness, crying, hardly even remembering what she was looking for any more. She had a horrible feeling she was tarrying, even though she didn’t really know what it meant.
‘Well, I don’t care,’ she sobbed. ‘I’ll tarry forever if that’s what it takes to saves big Jake. And what’s more –’
Just then Polly’s hand closed on something small, hidden right at the very back. Slowly, her heart pumping like one of those things you use to blow up balloons, she brought it into the light. On her palm lay a single chocolate in the shape of a dolphin, the very last piece of Nathaniel Surname’s treasure from that Tuesday long ago. Just once it seemed to wink at her but it could have been a trick of the light rather than a trick of the confectionery.
‘You’re our last hope, chocolate,’ said Polly, flabbing out of the chest as fast as she could. ‘I just hopes you’re enough to save big Jake.’
‘You have done well, child,’ said the little boy when she returned. ‘Now let us see if the legends are true.’
Tremblingly, Polly held Jake’s jaws open and tenderly stuffed the chocolate down his gob. Just as soon as it went on his tongue it turned into a real dolphin, all silvery blue, and went sliding down his throat doing whistling noises.
For a moment nothing happened. Then Jake’s eyes flickered open and he uttered a little bark. It felt good, so he did another one, a little bit louder and stronger than the first. With that second bark the day was saved and the bad stuff was at an end.
The angry fairy disappeared in a puff of blue smoke that smelt like bacon and eggs and the sun came out and started doing its magic tricks again, even better ones than before with real cards this time. The moles bounced up and down with glee and the butterflies punched their little fists into the air in triumph.
Jake got up and did a victory lap around the garden to show he was back for good. Then he did a victory lick of Polly’s face with his big pink doggy tongue until she was giggling like a werewolf.
‘You are no ordinary lad,’ said Friday, turning to the boy. ‘Who are you really?’
‘I am the Spirit of the Rainbow,’ answered the boy, ‘and it is my job to make the world glow with happy colours so that we can all live peacefully togeth–’
‘Spirit!’ yelled a woman’s voice from next door. ‘Yer tea’s ready!’
‘Sorry, gotta go or my mum will kill me,’ said the Spirit of the Rainbow, and off he ran for his tea.
Well, I’ll tell you what. The rest of that day was brilliant. Friday and Polly marched into town on Jake’s broad back and all the animals danced capers about them and a squirrel puked up from all the excitement and everyone laughed. Friday played a flute up one nostril and a trumpet up the other and all the good people of Lamonic Bibber came out and cheered and waved flags and ate feasts. (Jonathan Ripples ate an entire feast by himself and spent most of the next day in bed.)
On and on marched the joyful procession, getting bigger all the while and heading towards Mrs Lovely’s Wonderful Land of Sweets.
But as they were crossing the town square, Mrs Lovely herself ran up to greet the heroes. Apart from a chicken liver hanging from one arm, the courageous woman was fully recovered from the wars against Billy William the Third.
When he saw Mrs Lovely, Friday’s eyes went all shiny with admiration once again and feelings swept over him like rocketships. He got down on one knee in the middle of the town square. Then he got down on two knees. Then he got down on three knees, which hardly anyone else in the world can do. ‘Mrs Lovely,’ said Friday through a megaphone so everyone could hear. ‘You are the best. Do you fancy getting married?’
The crowd held its breath.
A mole did a dramatic drum roll with a drum and a bread roll.
‘All right,’ said Mrs Lovely. ‘I wasn’t doing anything this weekend anyway.’
The whole town erupted with the biggest cheer yet. The butterflies rained down like confetti and Jake did a massive happy bark as if he understood exactly what was going on. Actually he was barking at a twig he’d just noticed, but there you go. He was only a dog, after all.
‘Well, that’s that, then,’ said Friday. ‘Let’s get in on the feasting action!’
But Polly had had a thought.
‘Where’s that old Mr Gum got to?’ she said.
‘He’s probably off getting drunk with Billy William,’ guessed Friday and he was right. That’s exactly what those two were up to, hating the world and falling over from the beer.
‘But do you think he’ll be back?’ said Polly.
Friday looked mysterious.
‘Who can say what will be, little miss?’ he said.
‘’Tis unwise, ’tis unwise,’ said Mrs Lovely. And Friday didn’t even mind that she had stolen his line because he was crazy in love and there was marrying to be done.
And so life went on in the peaceful town of Lamonic Bibber and everyone got on with their business. Friday married Mrs Lovely and they invited Polly over for Sunday roasts (and occasionally Friday did a few Sunday boasts because of that tiny boastful streak in him, good as he was the rest of the time. But no one minded.) And Mr Gum and Billy William weren’t seen for quite a while and Martin Launderette apologised to Jonathan Ripples and Jake the dog played happily in gardens all summer long. And nothing much ever happened, and the sun went down over the mountains.
THE END
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, How come the story’s ended but there’s all these extra pages at the back? I bet there’s a SECRET BONUS STORY hidden away somewhere.
Well, forget it. The rest of these pages are just blank empty space with nothing written on them, certainly not a SECRET BONUS STORY.
So just put this book down right now. It’s over. Go and hassle your mum for a biscuit or something.
Stop looking for a SECRET BONUS STORY. There isn’t one, just accept it.
See? Blank empty space. That’s all.
The rest of this book is just blank empty
space
Blank empty space
Blank empty space
The rest of this book is just blank empty
space
Tra-la-la-la-la
Are you still here? Look, I’m not going to tell you again. THERE IS NO SECRET BONUS STORY. THIS IS THE END OF THE BOOK.
THE END.
GAME OVER.
GO HOME.
BYE BYE.
Friday O’Leary Explains
the Universe
One day Polly and Friday were strolling down by the Lamonic River where the water rushes grow. It was one of them brilliant afternoons when the sun’s shining and there’s no school because it’s burnt down or it’s Saturday or something, and there’s hardly any wasps around to muck things up.
‘Friday,’ said Polly thoughtfully. ‘I’m only a little girl and that, and I don’t know nothin’ ’bout the Universe and stuff. Can you help me out with your wisdoms?’
‘I’m glad you asked me that,’ said Friday, ‘because the Universe is my specialist subject and I am the winner of quizzes where that’s concerned. But let us sit ’neath the apple tree in the Old Meadow yonder, for that is the best place to hear my famous te
achings.’
So off they yondered to the Old Meadow and sat themselves down ’neath the apple tree and there Friday began spreading his tremendous knowledge.
‘A million million years ago, before your uncle was born,’ he began, ‘a tiny piece of cheese was floating in the middle of Space when suddenly everything went crazy. It did a Big Bang and went flying everywhere like an old lady at a jumble sale.
‘For a minute or two everything smelt of cheese. Then suddenly Planet Earth appeared because of scientific chemicals and the next thing you know a creature started growing in the sea.’
‘What sort of a creature?’ asked Polly.
‘A grey one with teeth and a necklace,’ replied Friday, nodding wisely. ‘It soon got bored of just swimming around all day so it got out of the sea, shook itself off and started eating plants and dirt. One day, no one knows why, it turned into a woolly mammoth and got stuck in the ice. Then cavemen appeared, Rome fell down in an earthquake, Shakespeare invented writing and football, everyone died of the plague, a bloke discovered America under a bush and here we all are today in our Modern Times, walking about with computers up our noses.’
‘I see,’ said Polly. ‘And what about all them other planets, like Mars and Jupiter and Venice?’
But Friday’s only answer was a happy snore. For spreading knowledge is a tiring business and besides, it was very comfortable ’neath the apple tree.
As Polly walked home she thought about how lucky she was.
‘Cos some children haven’t got Teachers of the Universe like Friday to do wisdoms on them,’ she thought. ‘So how they gonna learn ’bout things properly? It’s a shame, that’s what I says.’
And as for the Teacher of the Universe himself, he spent the rest of the afternoon asleep in the meadow and when he woke up a horse was licking his arm.
THE END
Andy Stanton lives in North London. He studied English at Oxford but they kicked him out. He has been a stand-up comedian, a film script reader, a cartoonist, an NHS lackey and lots of other things. He has many interests, but best of all he likes cartoons, books and music (even jazz). One day he’d like to live in New York or Berlin or one of those places because he’s got fantasies of bohemia. His favourite expression is ‘Good evening’ and his favourite word is ‘captain’. This is his first book.
Visit www.egmont.co.uk/AndyStanton for further information on your favourite Egmont author.
David Tazzyman lives in South London with his girlfriend, Melanie, and their son, Stanley. He grew up in Leicester, studied illustration at Manchester Metropolitian University and then travelled around Asia for three years before moving to London in 1997. He likes football, cricket, biscuits, music and drawing. He dislikes celery.
Visit www.egmont.co.uk/DavidTazzyman for further information on your favourite Egmont author.
Hey! Guess what. You can hear Mr Gum’s evil exploits in the unabridged audio version of this book, read by the author himself! For information and to place an order please contact The Audio Book Collection on Freephone 0800 136 919.