“Maybe we should slow down,” I said.
I wanted to laugh out loud at that, but I was too afraid of ruining the moment. It was such a chick thing to say, but I didn’t want to push her too far. We’d already established the fact that she was nothing like the girls I was usually with. The last thing I wanted to do was freak her out again.
“Do you want to slow down?” she asked. Her brows bent down in confusion.
“Hell no, but you freaked out last time and I don’t want that to happen again,” I said honestly.
I felt her body tense up a little and she looked down at me like she was about to lay a massive confession on me. The expression was there for a brief moment before it cleared.
“I’m sorry I get scared. I wish I didn’t, but it’s not something I can help.”
I hated the thought of her being afraid of anything. When she was with me, fear should be the last thing on her mind. Patience brought out a protective streak in me that would strike down anyone if it meant keeping her safe. So the idea that I put fear in her heart disgusted me.
She looked away from me like she’d said too much, but I laid my hands on her cheeks and forced her to look at me. Her fingers dug into my shirt and wounded eyes met mine.
“Don’t ever be scared with me. I’d never do anything to hurt you and I’d destroy anyone who tried.”
Two things happened after that.
One: I was smacked in the face with the realization that I had feelings for Patience. It sucked and Lord knows I tried to keep it from happening, but they were there seated deep inside of me where I couldn’t get to them to clean them away, and after that point, I wasn’t sure I wanted them gone anymore.
Two: She closed her eyes and a single tear slipped down her face as a tiny smile spread across her mouth. She laid her cool hands on my cheeks and looked down at me like I was everything I’d never be and then she leaned down and kissed me like her life depended on it.
A wave of relaxation went through her body and she collided with me emotionally. Her body melded into mine and I wasn’t sure where I ended and she began. Her hands were everywhere, in my hair, wrapped in my shirt as she tried to pull me closer, and then up my shirt against my skin.
Breaking the kiss, I leaned down and pressed my lips against the side of her neck. I sucked softly at the smooth skin just under her jaw. She gasped and her fingers dug into my sides. Her pulse was quick against my lips as I ran them down the side of her neck.
She was trembling, but not from fear or anxiety. She was shaking like a girl on the verge of a new experience. She responded much the same way that night at my house in my bed. I loved her responses. I’d never had a girl respond to me that way. She was shy, but still bursting at the seams, and I wanted her to let loose on me.
I ran my hands up her legs and grabbed on to her hips. I pulled her closer and she did the rest of the work as she began to press herself against me and move her hips back and forth.
A husky moan spilled from her lips and she let her head fall back with her eyes closed. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. I’d watched naked women pleasure themselves for me, but Patience was still fully clothed and she wasn’t doing this for me; she was doing this for herself. It was a massive turn-on.
I pushed up the bottom of her shirt and ran my fingers across her belly button. Her stomach moved in and out with her heavy breathing. My eyes crashed with hers when I looked back up. There was a tiny strain on her face, and I knew all too well what the strain was about. Her body was strung tight and if I knew anything, it was how to play a taut string. I wanted to release that tension in her and see relief on her beautiful face.
“Is this okay?” I asked when I let my hand move lower.
My voice cracked and it freaked me out how into this moment I was. Being with a girl wasn’t anything new for me, but Patience made me feel like some virginal fifteen-year-old punk. I can’t say I hated it, but it was different.
She bit her bottom lip and nodded her head yes. My hand slipped lower and I let my finger run just inside her jeans. The lacy top of her panties tickled the tips of my fingers and she made a tiny moaning noise that was probably the sexiest noise I’d ever heard a girl make. I was going slow with her, but going slow was kind of fun. I was teasing myself and teasing her at the same time. As much as I loved a quick, hard fuck up against a wall, going slow with Patience was going to be amazing and I had the distinct feeling I’d remember being with her this way for the rest of my life.
I lifted my finger from her skin and smiled when she lifted her hips and brought her body back to my finger. She wasn’t speaking, but her body was talking for her. She wanted whatever I had to offer and at this very moment, I was offering everything I had.
With hesitant hands, she lifted my shirt and pulled it over my head. Her fingers ran across my shoulders and down my chest. Her hands felt amazing on my skin as she softly ran her fingertips over my abs. I reached down and unbuttoned her jeans. I wanted to feel her again.
“Can I touch you?” I asked breathlessly.
I’d asked the last time this happened with her. I wasn’t sure why I asked. I’d never asked a female permission for anything in my life, but the tiny voice in the back of my head, the one that was telling me to go slow, was also telling me that I needed permission to touch her. Initially, I just wanted her, but now, after just a tiny bit of touching, my body needed her. No other girl could soothe this ache. It was seated firmly in the pit of my pelvic area and the combination for its release was her touch.
“Yes, please.” Her voice was strained and hushed.
And it was like the answer to all my prayers. She let her head fall against my shoulder and I breathed in the scent of her hair. I slid my finger lower and let it dip into her moisture. She was so wet. I’d never felt so much moisture in a woman’s body and it was magnificent.
And then her mouth was on mine again and she kissed me hard. Little noises were pressed against my lips as I touched her with experienced fingers. She began softly panting my name and thrusting her hips. Her responsiveness was so sexy, innocent, but definitely sexy.
That was usually the point that I’d strip her the rest of the way naked and get mine, but something about the way she moved her body, her inexperienced movements… I liked making her feel good. As much I wanted my own personal release, I wanted hers more.
Looking up into her pleasure-filled face, her eyes opened and dug into mine. She leaned her head back and opened her mouth for extra air. She was so close; I could see the sweet ache on her face. Her breathing became erratic and she pulled me closer.
A raw sense of pleasure rippled over me when she started to whisper my name over and over again. Her fingers dug deeper into my shoulders and I felt her movements getting stiff. Then the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen happened. She bit down on her lip, threw her head back, and moaned out a long, soul-wrenching release.
Her expression was one of shock when she looked back down at me. Her flushed skin glowed in the moonlight as she came back to herself. I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ears. I went in for another kiss, but her expression changed suddenly and she looked like she was about to be sick.
“Oh my God, what did I do?” she asked.
Panic filled her eyes and she looked down at me like she’d never seen me before.
I didn’t know what was happening. I’d never seen a girl react this way before. She struggled to get out of my arms, but something told me if I let her go, I’d never see her again. She began to cry and push against my chest.
“Snowflake? What’s wrong? You did nothing wrong.” I tried to press my words past her shield of panic.
Still, she continued to look down at me like I was a stranger trying to attack her, and still, she beat against my chest as she tried to get free. I knew I should let her go, but suddenly the idea of not seeing her again made me feel crazy. I needed her to calm down. I wanted to talk this through with her.
“Snowflake! It’s me
. It’s Zeke, and I’d never do anything to hurt you. Please, stop this,” I begged.
It was a first for me. I never begged, but she was now hyperventilating and I was scared she’d overdo it and pass out. I released her so she didn’t hurt herself and she jumped off of me and slammed her body against the passenger-side door.
She scratched at the door until she finally found the handle. Cold air rushed into my car when she popped the door open and jumped out. I followed behind her, but she didn’t get far before she ran straight into the arms of her dad. There were three police officers standing behind him.
The officers stared back at me like I was a wanted rapist. Her dad stared back at me like he wanted to kill me on the spot. And Patience looked back at me like she was begging me to save her.
Sixteen
Patience
Protected. Precious. Perfect. I was all three of those things in Zeke’s arms. I’d never known love, other than the love I had for my mom and sister, but when I looked down into Zeke’s face after he kissed me, I knew I was in love with him.
I’d fallen for Zeke. He was dark and dangerous, but he was also the safest place on Earth for me. He’d somehow become home base, a place for me to go and gather my thoughts. A place where I could let go of all the bad and take in some good.
I’d never been so close to someone in my life, I’d never revealed the things about myself the way I did with him. I’d even been on the verge of telling him my dirty secrets, things that could change my life, things that could ruin my father and destroy my mother. That’s what Zeke did to me; he made me want to exhale everything.
When he kissed me, there was a bonding between us and I was sure he felt it too. He had to. It was so strong. It was as if our souls had collided and began to rebuild the other. It was powerful and it pushed me over the edge and right into him.
I thought for sure I’d never feel anything of the sort, but once he touched me with his fingers and my body experienced a release that it never had before, I knew I was transformed. He intricately placed his fingers in places that only an experienced man could and brought forth a reality that I never knew existed, a place where being touched was wonderful and fulfilling, a place overflowing with relief.
But the minute the feeling dissolved, something tragic happened and turned my beautiful moment into a nightmare. I looked down into Zeke’s face and he shyly smiled back at me. Something about the way he looked at me felt wrong. It all felt wrong, and I was waiting for the blow. What I had done was bad and punishment was sure to follow.
The logical side of me knew I was being irrational as I fought to get away from him, but the sick parts of me knew there was no good in what we’d just done. A panic I’d never experienced before swept over me and I went into a full anxiety attack. I wasn’t so much trying to get away from Zeke as I was just trying to get out of the car. I needed air. I needed to breathe and the car was too small and he was too close.
Once I was free of the car, I ran straight into the one place I never wanted to be again, the arms of my father. His eyes beat into me and his grip was so tight I was sure he’d snap my arms in half. At that point, all I wanted to do was climb back into Zeke’s car and disappear, but there was no running, especially not when I saw the police officers standing behind my dad.
My eyes found Zeke’s and something passed between us. I needed help and I wanted to beg him to save me, but that couldn’t happen. I could never ask for his help. Asking for his help would require revealing truths, and I could never do that.
“Let her go,” Zeke said. His voice held a hint of a threat.
My dad’s fingers tightened and I knew it was his way of saying I’d better stay put. I knew my dad was powerful and I also knew he could destroy what little bit Zeke had. Just as Zeke had promised to protect me, I’d do the same for him, so I stood there. As badly as I wanted to run back to him, I didn’t.
“Zeke Mitchell, haven’t you learned your lesson yet, son? I could have these nice officers arrest you, since I’m sure you have drugs in your car, but I won’t do that. All I ask is that you get in your car and go home. Patience is going home, too, and whatever this is between y’all needs to stop. Patience is leaving for college in a few months anyway.”
Zeke’s eyes met mine like he was searching for the truth. The truth was this was the first I’d heard of any college plans. I hadn’t even applied for any since I had no plans of leaving Sydney unattended. If anything, I’d jump on board a local technical college until Syd graduated.
Instead, I shrugged and gave him a tiny, crooked smile that said I was sorry. He didn’t buy it. His eyes told me he knew I was playing into my dad’s shit. So I plastered on the realest smile I could just for him.
“It’s okay, Zeke. Tell Megan I’ll text her later. I needed to get home anyway. I had fun. Thanks for the ride.”
He looked angry at my words and I knew it was because he felt dismissed by me, but I didn’t want him to get arrested again. He’d already been arrested twice thanks to me and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen again.
“I’m not leaving you,” he said with determination.
And in that moment I knew I had to be like Zeke. I had to lie about my feelings and push him away. I cut my eyes at him and then rolled them. Then I said something that made my stomach turn.
“Look, it was fun, but now it’s time you go back to your shitty little trailer park. I wanted to see if what they said about you was true, and now that I see it isn’t, I’m done messing around with you.”
I had indeed hit my mark. The crushed look in his eyes told me it was a direct hit. I didn’t wait around for him to respond. I turned away and got in the passenger’s seat of my dad’s car. Zeke stood there in shock, staring back at my father, until finally he turned, got in his car, and drove away.
The window was cracked and I could hear my dad talking to the police officers. He was thanking them for finding me and thanking them for their service. He was playing the role of good politician so if the stories circulated about his delinquent daughter he could play it up as the good guy who was trying to help his child.
I knew the way these things worked. I wasn’t an idiot to that side of life. The cops seemed to fall into the palm of his hand just like everyone else did. It wasn’t long until he joined me in the car and another silent ride home commenced.
It was nearly dawn before I was free of my dad. I stood in the hot shower and tried to wash his punishment away. It was the worse one yet, but I made it through thinking about all the wonderful things Zeke said to me in his car.
The next day, I spent most of my time with my mom. She looked good and was actually sitting up in bed watching TV, versus being completely out of it.
“So, are you going to tell me who he is?” she asked as I painted her thin nails with a bright-pink polish.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
She smiled at me and shook her head.
“I wasn’t always a sick woman, you know. I remember what it was like to be young and in love. Don’t tell your father this, but I was in love before him. His name was Robert and he was wonderful. I fell in love with him almost instantly.” She had a happy, dreamy look that made me smile.
“So what happened?” I asked.
“Well, my father told me to stay away from him. He said he wasn’t good enough. I guess you could say he was a bad boy.” She grinned. “But when it came to me, he was the sweetest guy in the world.”
I was shocked by how similar our stories were. Maybe that’s what made me comfortable enough to open up to her.
“His name’s Zeke,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, now we’re getting somewhere.” She patted my hand. “Tell me more about this Zeke. Is he a bad boy?”
And in that moment I’d never felt more close to my mother. I didn’t tell her the entire story of how I met Zeke because I didn’t want her to worry, but I did give her a few details.
“I’m so glad I got to see this,”
she said sadly.
“See what?” I asked confused.
“The look on your face. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day when one of my girls would fall in love and I’m grateful that I at least got to see it once.”
A tear slipped down her cheek and I couldn’t hold mine back no matter how hard I tried. I reached out and hugged my mother’s small frame to me and we cried together.
“Do me a favor, Patience,” she said to me as she captured my tear-stained face in her hands.
“Anything,” I croaked.
“If you love him, don’t let him go for anyone and tell him how you feel. I never got that chance with Robert, and I found out ten years ago that he died. I never got a chance to tell him how much I loved him. Don’t let that happen to you.”
An hour later, my mother slept and I was standing in the middle of the garage next to the dreaded gray Toyota with a set of never-before-touched keys. I took a ton of deep breaths and grasped the door handle five times before I was even able to get in the car.
The inside smelled brand new since technically it was a brand new car. My dad had forced me to drive it once when I first got it and I silently cried the entire time. Even now, climbing inside the car felt wrong. I felt like I was saying what my father did to me was okay. It wasn’t, but I needed to get to Zeke and I couldn’t keep calling Megan every time I needed to go somewhere.
I knew my way to Zeke’s house well. What I didn’t know was what the hell I was going to say to him once I got there. He’d probably never talk to me again and I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t, but I promised my mom I’d be honest about my feelings toward him and that’s what I was going to do.
I had the feeling that once I confessed my feelings to him he’d never talk to me again. Guys like Zeke ran from emotions, but deep down I could feel things getting out of hand. Soon, we’d never talk to each anymore anyway. This way I could get my feelings off my chest and have a peace that my mother never got.
Playing Patience Page 16