“Take this off,” I demanded as I tugged roughly on her skirt.
Her eyes lit up. Women loved that shit. They loved a man who took charge during sex and so, in turn, women loved me. She stood above me, her crotch lingering in front of my face, and peeled her matching black throngs down her legs. Unashamed of her body, she stood above me and let me take her in with my eyes. It was a huge turn-on, but still, all I could think about was how cute Patience was when she was trying to make sure her body was covered. She was so bashful about her beautiful body. Modesty was something I wasn’t used to. Honestly, I kind of liked it and strangely, it was more of a turn-on.
Why did I have to keep thinking about her? Why couldn’t I just forget about her, deem her a nice girl, and move the fuck on? It was annoying beyond belief and I was already sick of the way she made me feel. Emotions weren’t a good thing for a guy like me. Actually, they were fucking dangerous as all get out and I couldn’t allow them in my life. If I had to have sex with every girl that passed by, then so be it. I had to get Patience out of my system. I needed her off my skin and the only way to do that was to move on.
I fucked hated this! All of it! My life wasn’t supposed to be this complicated, and having pointless sex with Stephanie was going to make things less complicated, I hoped.
I reached up and ran my hands up her legs, then ran my thumb across her wet nub. She sucked in a breath, then leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head and pulled her down on top of me. No way could I kiss her. Patience was the only girl I could stand to be that close to.
I pushed her back and unbuttoned my jeans. She helped as I pulled them down around my thighs. She didn’t waste any time straddling me and pushing herself down onto my cock.
I thought the minute our bodies connected I would be lost. I usually lost myself with a good joint and a soaking wet woman, but that didn’t happen. Instead, all I saw were shining blue eyes staring back and me and sandy-blond hair instead of red.
I closed my eyes and leaned my body back against my headboard as she moved her body against mine. I didn’t really want to, but I think having sex with Stephanie was my way of pissing myself off. My way of proving to myself that I was exactly what everyone around me thought I was—a dog, a loser, not good enough to kiss Snowflake’s toes. And I would, kiss her toes, if that was her thing.
For the first time in my life, I was going through the motions of sex. I heard the bed hitting the wall and I knew Stephanie was doing a good job. I heard her moaning on top of me and I knew even though I wasn’t really into it, my body was doing a good job. Still, I felt nothing. The achy pressure in my abs and balls that usually came with sex wasn’t there.
I felt her warmth and I recognized it was supposed to feel good, but all I could think about was how badly I wished it was Patience on top of me. I wished it was strands of platinum locks resting against my chest as she leaned over me. I wished it was Patience telling me how good I felt, but it wasn’t. It was a saucy redhead who knew what she was doing and yet, I wanted it to be over already.
Like a robot I reached up and pulled at the back of her hair. She seemed like the kind that would like that and I got the response I expected. She sped up, the mattress moaning against my hips as she pressed me deeper into its springs. I worked my hands down her back and gripped her ass. Maybe if I pressed her down harder and she moved faster something would happen and I wouldn’t have to fake an orgasm. I’d never had to do that before and somehow it made me feel like less of a man.
Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and the world around me paused as my eyes connected with Patience. For a brief second I thought maybe my mind had conjured her up as a sort of reward for a possible orgasm, but the single tear that cut a path down her cheek let me know she was all real.
The look in her eyes burnt me all over. It effectively made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. The hurt she felt was evident and immediately it broke my heart and pissed me off at the same time. Who knew hurting someone I cared about would kill the tiny, living pieces inside? Who knew caring about someone would make me so angry?
I wanted to push Stephanie away and go to her. I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was that she had to see this. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for being me, for not being enough for her, because deep down it’s all I ever wanted. I wanted to be good enough and since I had no way of ever becoming even close to good enough, here I was sabotaging any decent part of me.
Her name fell from my lips and then she apologized. Why the hell was she apologizing? She didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one in the wrong; I was the one that needed a good swift kick in the balls. I was nothing and there she was hurting over me, and then she was gone.
I knew in the back of my head that those tear-filled eyes were going to be the last thing I ever saw of Patience. For years to come, I’d have nightmares about those eyes. I’d lie awake in my bed at night and replay that moment over and over again in my head. It was the moment I broke her, the moment I destroyed myself.
I removed Stephanie from my lap and pulled my jeans up.
“Get out,” I said calmly.
“What the fuck, Zeke?” She stood there, naked and furious. “Is this because of that little blond bitch?”
I glared over at her.
“You heard me… Get out.”
She dressed quickly with a pissed-off look on her face. Snatching up her shoes and keys, she flew down the hallway of my trailer and slammed the front door.
I buttoned my jeans and grabbed my wallet and keys, then made my way into the kitchen for a beer. I pulled open the fridge and popped the top on a cold one. Turning toward the living room, I threw back my head and took a large swig. That’s when my eyes landed on the guitar case sitting on my couch.
I set the beer on the counter and cautiously walked to the couch. I stood above the guitar, finding it hard to open the case and look inside. I think part of me knew that inside was something that would be the equivalent of a kick in the balls. Leaning over, I ran my hand over the letter Z embroidered into the top of the case in bright red. I popped the locks on the side and flipped the lid open.
Inside was a black, 1967 Fender, and while that was enough to make me drop to my knees in front of my couch, it was the bits and pieces of my old guitar that did the trick. The minute I saw the piece with my mother’s signature, tears filled my eyes and for the first time in a very long time, I let them fall.
I swiped angrily at my eyes and shut the case. Snatching it up, I took it and the rest of my stuff to my car, setting the case up front with me. Bits of rock and dust flew from my back tires as I peeled out of my dad’s yard. I texted her two times on the way to her house, but she never responded.
I didn’t remember the ride across town. It was as if I’d driven to the ritzy side on auto pilot. I was stuck inside my head and in a rush to get to Patience—to tell her I was sorry and beg for her forgiveness. I wasn’t good enough for her and I still wouldn’t drag her down to my level, but knowing she was walking around with a broken heart because of me didn’t sit well. Especially considering what she’d given me.
Other than my guitar, she’d given me hope in a hopeless place. She’d given me light when I’d been stuck in the dark so long. She’d done so much for me, and how did I repay her? By hurting her, ripping her heart out and taking a bite out of it. I was the lowest of low.
When I got to her driveway, I cut my loud engine. I climbed out of my car and made my way across the freshly manicured lawn to the front door. Standing at the front door of the governor’s mansion felt wrong, but at that point I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of running into him. Not until he opened the door and peered at me with those familiar hateful stare did I even think about him at all. He leaned his body against the doorframe and crossed his arms.
“Ah, my friend, Zeke. What can I do for you, young man?” His smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“I need to talk to Patience,” I said with
some force.
He needed to know I was serious.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I asked Patience to stay away from you and I’d appreciate it if you stayed away from her. Plus, she’s not here.”
His eyes remained on mine while he shut the door in my face.
Two weeks later, I still hadn’t heard from Patience. She wouldn’t return any of my phone calls and she never texted me back. Megan wouldn’t even tell me anything about her. It was the worse two weeks of my life, and no amount of beer or drugs would make it better.
Twenty-Two
Patience
It had been two weeks since I last saw Zeke and I was miserable. The sick part was I honestly had nothing to be upset with him about. Technically, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. I was hurt and my world was slowly crumbling in on me.
My mom was dying, my father wasn’t my father, and the one person in the world that made everything feel better had hurt me worse than I’d ever been hurt. Life was looking pretty bleak, but instead of falling apart, I kept myself together, smiled on the outside, and went through my days like I had before. School, practice, and games—they’re what got me through. I played harder than I ever had before and kicked so much ass on the field that my teammates were starting to call me the beast.
I quit reading his text messages and even started ignoring Megan. I was in a bad place and had no one to help me out.
When I wasn’t at school or doing soccer stuff, I was with Mom. She was still occasionally having a good day here or there, but it wasn’t looking good.
Finally, after weeks of lying low, Megan showed up at my house.
“What the hell is up with you? I haven’t heard from you much in weeks and Zeke won’t leave me the hell alone,” she said as she flopped on my bed.
“Nothing. I’ve just been busy with school and stuff. Plus, my mom’s not doing very well.”
She changed her attitude quickly and just like that she got over me being absent from her life. I loved that about Megan. She was so forgiving and understanding.
“So what’s the deal with you and Zeke?” She grabbed a bottle of my fingernail polish from my dresser and started painting her nails.
“Nothing. We were friends and now we’re not.”
I didn’t want to talk about it and I was hoping she’d drop it. Yeah right.
“He’s a mess, Pay. You should talk to him. He says you won’t answer his texts or phone calls. What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything. I just have too much going on in my life right now to worry about guys. Especially one like Zeke.”
She left an hour later with a promise that I’d go to The Pit with her the following Saturday night. When Saturday finally came, I went to her house and got dressed. My dad had still been lying low, but I didn’t want to walk out of the house with tight clothes and makeup on, just in case he changed his mind about not messing with me.
“Make me as sexy as you possibly can,” I said as Megan did my hair.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Absolutely.”
I left Megan’s house in a tight denim miniskirt, six-inch heels, and a halter-top that left nothing to the imagination. I felt like a naughty sex kitten and I meant to play the part right in Zeke’s face for the entire night. I wasn’t usually a revengeful person, but I wanted him to feel what I felt when I walked in his room and found him with her.
When we finally made it to The Pit, I didn’t feel my usual discomfort, which was weird considering what I was wearing. I’d gotten used to the place and the people. We went straight to the bar and ordered drinks and then we made our way to the stage.
Finn was belting out a Three Days Grace song and the crowd was eating it up. The minute my eyes landed on Zeke, I felt warm all over. Seeing him so close made me realize how much I missed him. I watched his fingers move across his guitar and I felt joy when I saw he was playing the guitar I’d given him.
He looked up from playing and scanned the crowd with the angry glare I’d come to love. At first, his eyes scanned right over me, but I knew the moment he realized I was in the crowd. Zeke never gave anything away, but I knew he’d seen me.
I drank, danced, and had a blast with Megan. The entire time, I could feel his eyes on me and I loved it. I could feel his gaze crawl across my flesh and it was turning me on. It was the weirdest thing, but I was definitely getting turned on.
I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or if I was really losing myself after being torn apart the last few weeks, but something gave me a brave streak. A guy I didn’t know came up to me and started dancing behind me and I let him. I was a little disgusted by him, but I knew Zeke was watching so I got into it like I was really enjoying myself.
After that, I flirted openly with three different guys. I was totally bored with it, but there was a lot of smiling and looking up through my lashes. I pretty much just mimicked every girl in the room. I knew my cleavage was out too much and I was aware that every time I lifted my arms most of my stomach was exposed, but I didn’t care. I made sure all those parts were available for his eyes. I brought my arms over my head and then ran them down over my breasts and abs.
I looked up at him and he glared down at me. I couldn’t tell if I was pissing him off or turning him on. I was fine with either. I picked up my bottle, looked up at him, and licked my lips before placing the bottle against my mouth. Still, his expression didn’t change.
“Girl! You are so bad!” Megan shouted next to me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I grinned.
“Oh, you know what you’re doing. I just hope you can handle the wrath of Zeke when he lets loose on your ass.” She laughed.
“Please, he better hope he can handle me.”
I was definitely drunk. There was no doubt about that.
The after party was at Finn’s house and I went along with Megan. Once I was there, someone handed me a red cup of beer. Instead of going to the corner and sipping my drink like I usually would, I was in the middle of everything. I talked to people and flirted with guys. I could feel someone watching me the entire time and I knew it was him.
A guy I’d never seen before started talking to me and I was sure to smile back at him and flirt with my eyes. He was shorter than Zeke and much smaller. With light hair and light eyes, he openly checked me out and licked his lips, and I played right along.
“What’s your name?” he asked as he looked down my shirt.
“Patience.”
“Pretty name for a pretty girl.” He grinned.
“Thank you.”
It wasn’t long until I’d moved on and was talking to someone else. Originally, it started out as a way to get under Zeke’s skin the way he’d gotten under mine, but after getting a lot of attention, I was starting to enjoy it.
I looked around the room for Megan, and she was nowhere to be found. I walked through the garage, checking every corner and still she was nowhere. I walked inside and headed toward the bathroom. When a girl goes missing, that’s usually the best place to look. I was halfway down the hallway when I felt someone against my back. I turned around and Zeke was there looking down at me with an angry red face and pinched lips.
“Come with me,” he said as he opened a door and pulled me inside.
It was a simple guy’s room, but the décor let me know I was standing in Finn’s bedroom. A queen-sized bed covered in red bedding was in the middle of the room. A single dresser with a mirror was pushed up against the wall and covered in junk. There were clothes everywhere; the floor was barely visible.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” he asked as he stalked closer to me.
I could hear the anger in his voice.
I liked that he was pissed off. That’s no less than what he deserved. Maybe it was because I was drunk or maybe it was because I was beyond repair and as sick and twisted as the man who raised me, but I relished in his anger. If he hated me flirting with oth
er men, then he was getting just a taste of what I’d felt when I walked in on him and his redhead. We weren’t together, so technically he hadn’t done anything wrong, but damn, it hurt like a bitch. I wasn’t usually a revengeful person, but I wanted him to understand my pain.
“Very much,” I slurred.
“Are you getting off on making me jealous, snowflake?”
“What if I am?” I matched his stare.
“You’re playing with fire. You do realize that, right?” He moved closer.
He towered over me and I had to arch my neck to continue to look him in the eye.
“Oh, boy. I better be careful or I might get burned,” I said sarcastically.
He was backing me up and I hadn’t even realized it. When I felt the edge of Finn’s dresser against my lower back, I put my palms out and pressed against his chest. He pressed harder. Cologne bottles shook and made clinking noises as the dresser shifted.
“If I see one more fucker touch you, I’m going to lose it. You want me to go to jail again?”
He leaned over me and put his hands on the dresser on either side of me, caging me in.
“I have no control over what you do. Just like you have no control over what I do,” I said as I pressed against him and tried to move him out of my way.
He didn’t budge.
“I can’t stand seeing you with them.” The muscles in his jaw popped as he gritted his teeth. “It makes me feel like my skin is on fire.”
“I know the feeling.”
I pulled my eyes away from his and disregarded him. I acted as if I were annoyed and bored, but really, every time he pressed his body into mine I wanted to throw him on Finn’s bed and attack him.
“You’re mine,” he said with so much force that my eyes darted back to his and I looked him up and down like I was about to fight him.
“Excuse me? I belong to no one. Let me go.” I pushed again at his chest, but he was like a brick wall.
I really did want to be away from him after that. How dare he throw a claim on me while he was busy screwing anything with a wet hole? Oh hell no! That wasn’t happening.
Playing Patience Page 21