by t. h. snyder
I don’t know if I could navigate him right now if I tried.
I’m an emotional mess and I don’t want to fall apart in front of him again.
As comfortable as I’ve been with Loudon, right now I feel out of sorts.
I’m embarrassed.
No one, other than my peers, has ever witnessed the cruelty I suffer through with the people at school.
Tonight Loudon had a front row seat to what my world looks like in the hell zone.
After standing up to Dillan like that, I can’t believe he’s not pressuring me for more details.
In fact, he’s acting like it was nothing, like nothing happened.
I don’t know how he’s dealing with it or what he’s thinking, but I do know that it scares me that he was exposed to that side of my existence.
We’ve only known each other for a few short weeks and, during that time, I’ve been made a fool in front of his friends, pushed him away and been confronted by one of the haters.
Yet, he is still here, with me.
So many thoughts are racing through my mind as I watch the streets of Des Moines pass me by.
As much as I wish I knew what was going to happen next, I do know this much:
I like Loudon. I like him a lot.
I like the way he makes me feel…wanted.
I like the way he wants to touch me…as if he never wants to let me go.
I enjoy being near him and spending time with him
He makes me believe that I deserve to be happy.
But my fear is that I don’t know how much of me, or my pain, it will take for him to realize that I’m not really the person he thinks he sees?
I look out the side window as we pull into my driveway.
Loudon pulls the Range Rover up to the garage doors, puts it in park and turns off the ignition.
He takes off his seatbelt and turns in his seat to face me.
“Do you want me to come in or should I just wait out here?” He asks.
I turn my head to look at him.
“You can come in with me. No point in sitting out here by yourself,” I reply.
“Okay, cool. Sit tight, I’ll be right there,” He says, while opening his door and stepping out of the car.
A giggle escapes my lips as I watch him run around the front of the car and over to my side.
He opens the door and extends his hand out for me.
“Why, thank you,” I say with a wink.
He nods his head in a gesture of chivalry and I laugh as we make our way toward the garage doors.
I enter the code on the security panel and we wait in silence while the garage door opens.
Loudon grabs my hand and leads me through the garage and into the mud room.
As we get into the kitchen I gesture for him to have a seat.
“Just hang out here and I’ll be back down as quickly as I can. I just want to rinse the sticky off of me and get changed,” I say pointing at my stomach and legs.
Loudon shrugs his eyebrows and smiles back at me.
“Hurry up, doll. We don’t want to miss halftime,” he says, sitting down at the breakfast bar and pulling out his cell phone.
I race up the stairs and into my bedroom.
I need to make this fast…really fast.
Walking into my closet, I grab a pair of jeans from the shelf and a tank top and black sweater off of their hangers. I bend down to sort through my shoes and find my black pair of UGG boots.
“Perfect!” I say to myself.
Scooping everything in my arms I carry the clothes into the bathroom and strip myself of the wet and stained clothes tossing them into my hamper under the counter. I grab a hair tie out of the drawer and pull my dark strands up into a high messy bun. Hopping into the shower I stand under the warm water. It feels so good against my skin, but I know I don’t have much time to get cleaned off.
I quickly rinse off the hot chocolate that seeped onto my skin and wash my body.
I’ve gotten the residue cleaned away, but the memory of what happened is still with me.
How could someone be so cruel to another human being?
For the most part, these people don’t even know me. They think they do, but they don’t.
Each and every one of them has this preconceived idea of who I am because of what happened that night.
No one has ever asked me if I was ok or if the stories were true. Instead, they chose to believe the rumors, make assumptions, and treat me like a freak.
How unfair.
Loudon didn’t know me when he met me, he never judged me. He made the choice to see me as Zar, not someone that was hurting and needing support.
I still can’t believe Loudon did that for me; he came to my rescue like it was something natural for him to do.
He called me his girl. Even if he didn’t realize what he said, I did.
Stepping out of the shower, I dry off as fast as I can and quickly pull on my clean clothes. I pull my hair down and run a brush through the tangles. I take a good look in the mirror and reapply a fresh splash of makeup.
Once I’m dressed and ready to go, I give myself one last look.
I smile.
This is the first time I’m looking at myself and hoping that someone else likes what they see in me.
I want to appear different to Loudon.
I want him to see the real me.
I want him to like me for who I am.
I’ve hoped that things would change for me once I left for Iowa State next fall, but I realize now that I have something…rather, someone else I want to change for, now…to be better for, now, he makes me feel this way.
Flipping off the light switches, I leave my bedroom and hurry down the stairs. When I enter the kitchen, Loudon is still sitting at the breakfast bar with his back to me.
I don’t know what possesses me or what gives me the courage, but I walk up behind him and surround my arms around his waist.
I rest my chin on his back and close my eyes.
My heart race picks up, but not in the bad way like I am used to when I go into panic mode.
This feeling is so different.
I’m calm, I’m happy and I like the way I feel when I’m with this guy.
He pushes me back a bit and stands from the bar stool. Turning in my arms, he picks me up and sits me back down on the stool.
He leans his head down against my neck and takes in a breath.
“You smell so good,” he says.
“Were you just sniffing me?” I ask with a laugh.
“Why, yes I was, do you have a problem with that?” He asks with a grin.
I giggle and pull him close against me so that my head is resting on his chest.
Never in a million years could I ever imagine something like this happening to me.
This moment is so surreal.
He pulls away and looks me in the eyes.
The way his eyes look now are different. The pupils are larger, yet the color is still so green.
His lips touch mine ever so gently.
I fall into my Loudon trance and enjoy the moment we are in. His kisses seem to change every time. The first time was soft and slow, the last time was hard and urgent and this time…he’s taking his time exploring me.
I don’t want this second in time to end.
I can feel him begin to pull away and I wrap my arms tighter around him.
He lets out a laugh.
“As much as I’d like to stay here doing this for awhile longer, we need to get going. We’re going to miss halftime.”
I give him a pout and hop off the stool.
We interlace our fingers and walk out of the kitchen and toward the garage.
Loudon pulls me out of the garage and I type in the code to shut the door.
We rush into the Range Rover and make our way back to the football stadium in record time.
As soon as we get there I can see that there is still 3:27 left in the second quarter.
“Phew
, we made it with enough time to spare,” I say, letting out a huge sigh of relief.
“Yeah, come on, hop out. We can run up to the gate and get a seat before the ceremony starts.”
I pop open my door and meet him at the front of the Range Rover.
He grabs my hand and we run across the parking lot and toward the gate.
Now that majority of the crowd is in their seats it’s easier to get to the grand stands. I have no clue where our parents are sitting, so I follow Loudon’s lead.
We walk to the center of the stands and begin to climb the metal bleachers. About half way up, Loudon stops and gestures for me to go in a row before him. I look across the seats of fans and see my mom. She smiles widely and waves for me to come her way.
I excuse myself as I walk across a row full of anxious fans. There are two empty seats next to my mom and I grab the one right next to her. The smile on her face is contagious and I can’t help but smile back.
I sense Loudon sliding in next to me and putting his arm around the back of my seat. I glance down the row at Marilyn and wave.
Sitting back in my seat, I scoot in closer to Loudon’s arm.
“Hey, check out the score, doll,” he whispers in my ear.
Now, I’m no sports fan by any means, but I can tell that Parkland is up by seven points.
I turn my face to look at him and smirk.
“Yeah, looks like Parkland may take the title back this year,” I reply with a smile on my lips.
He squeezes my shoulder and places a light kiss to the tip of my nose.
A tingling sensation takes over my entire body.
I’m not one to get all giddy like a girl, but right now, in this moment, he makes me feel scatterbrained.
I sit back against the seat with Loudon’s arm around me. We watch as the teams fight for the last few moments of the half and the fans around us cheer. Once the buzzer goes off, it’s time to watch as the ceremony takes place.
The players remain on the field and a few other groups file out toward the fifty yard line. The school band begins to line up along one end zone while the cheerleaders and dance squad are crowded around the other.
I can see Zeke and a few of the other guys he played with standing along the track. Mom nudges me and points toward him. I know how excited and proud she is of him and I want her to enjoy this moment.
At this time, five years ago, all of our lives changed…just in different ways.
Sunday
P-E-R-F-E-C-T
That is exactly how I felt after Loudon and his parents left our house last night. There is just no other word I can think of to describe it. I don’t know where the hell he came from or what I’ve done to deserve the attention he gives me. There used to be a time when I was happy and for so long I forgot what that feeling felt like. Now, when I’m with him, I can feel it again. Loudon sees me…the real me. When I’m with Loudon, I’m consumed by him. I feel safe with him. All I want to do is think about him holding onto me and his lips kissing mine. I can’t wait until the next time I’ll see him again.
My face has been lit up with a smile ever since Loudon left last night.
I don’t remember the last time I smiled this much.
He made last night a good memory instead of a horrible one, I can’t thank him enough.
I sit back in my comfy chair and close my eyes.
The halftime ceremony was more than any of us could’ve imagined it would be for a high school football game. Both schools really went all out to support their team and the players.
During the ceremony, Zeke was given an award for his record breaking quarterback achievements.
It was a memorable night for the class of 2008 and the entire team stood together for a photo.
Once the extended halftime was over, the remainder of the game was quite suspenseful.
The win came at the final seconds with a field goal, which broke the tie for a final score of Parkland 24 and Palmer 21.
Listening to Zeke and Loudon bicker about the referees and the poor calls during a high school football game was hilarious. Allie and I were two of a kind trying to avoid any interaction with them for the last two quarters.
Being a part of such an amazing night with my family made me so happy.
To think that I was dreading everything about it…the memoires of five years ago, the run in with Dillan and some of my other classmates and the fear that Loudon wouldn’t want me or like me after it had all happened.
It just goes to show that if you give something or someone a chance, good things can come from it after all.
After the game everyone piled into their cars, me with Loudon, of course, and drove back to my parent’s house.
We ordered in pizza, ate and talked about the game and the awards ceremony.
Loudon made a point to stick by my side the entire time and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to notice the attention he was giving me. The permanent smiles on our mothers’ faces were a dead giveaway.
After we were all done eating and chatting, Loudon and I left the party to go downstairs and watch a movie.
He sat on the far end of the couch and made sure to have me curled into his side. While the movie played he held me tight against him while running his fingers up and down my arm and back. I was so relaxed that I drifted off into a sound sleep within a few minutes.
Before it was time for him to leave, he kissed me on my forehead and gently woke me up. I was at such peace being with him, I didn’t want him to leave.
I’ve never felt so connected and so calm with another person. Loudon makes me feel like he will keep me safe, no matter who or what comes at me.
Having him with my family and treating me like I’m a real person was incredible.
He made me feel like I belonged and had friends for the first time in what seemed like forever.
I’m the luckiest girl in the world when I’m with him.
I open my eyes and set my diary onto my lap.
I lift my hand to my face and touch me cheeks.
My face is going to get a work out if Loudon keeps this up, but I sure as hell won’t be complaining any time soon.
I enjoy feeling this way for a change.
I close up my diary, stick the black pen in the spine and stand up from my giant comfy chair.
As I walk over to the window, I glance at the large mirror on my dresser. I know that’s my reflection I see, but in so many ways I feel like a whole new person.
With my permanent smile plastered to my face, I walk over to the window and place my journal in its special hiding spot.
I glance over at my alarm clock to check the time.
It’s just about time for dinner so I figure I should check if there’s anything I can do.
I head down the stairs and into the kitchen to ask if I can help mom.
When I walk into the large open room, both mom and dad are busying themselves. Mom is at the stove top stirring up chicken in a frying pan and dad is moving between the dining room and kitchen getting ready to set the table.
I somehow sneak into the room without either of them noticing and take a set at the breakfast bar.
“Anything I can do to help?” I ask no one in particular.
Mom turn and smiles with the spatula raised in her hand.
She glances toward the right as dad emerges from the dining room.
“Hey, Zar,” dad says walking back into the kitchen, “I was just about to set the table if you want to help.”
“Sure,” I say hopping off of the stool and grabbing the silverware from his hand.
After I’ve placed the napkin and silverware settings I walk back into the kitchen where both mom and dad are huddled over by the stove.
“You know Zar, not that I’m complaining, but you seem to be in an extra happy mood today,” mom says with a smile on her face.
Shrugging my shoulders, I smile in her direction and grab the plates from the breakfast bar.
With everything that’s happene
d the past few years, I’ve never confided in my mom or anyone else for that matter. As natural as it should be for me to rush to her and tell her how happy I am, it actually feels awkward and somewhat forced.
I continue to set the table and stay clear of any further questions.
“Zar,” my dad says and I jump dropping a plate.
“Shit!” I shout.
“You okay?” He says rushing into the dining room, “step away and I’ll clean this up.”
He bends to the floor and immediately starts to pick up the pieces from the broken plate.
I step away and watch as he carefully stacks each piece.
“Sorry about that dad, you just scared me when you called my name. I guess I was just caught off guard,” my heart starts to pick up speed.
He really did startle me.
“It’s okay, kiddo. Go up and tell Zoe dinner is just about ready.”
He walks out of the dining room, his hands full of broken ceramic and I feel guilty.
I walk to the hallway and up the stairs to Zoe’s room.
Standing in front of her bedroom I hear the loud music blasting from under her closed door.
Instead of just barging in, I knock on the door.
Ugh, no answer.
I knock again a bit harder than the first time.
The music gets quieter and I hear her voice.
“Yeah!” She shouts back.
“Mom and dad wanted me to tell you dinner is almost done,” I reply as she swings open her bedroom door.
“Hey!” She says with a smile.
I take a look at my little sister. She is absolutely crazy in every way. I have no clue how we could be blood related. She wears the brightest colors and here I stand in black sweats and dark purple GAP hoodie.
I blink my eyes and regain focus on the reason I’m actually standing here in front of her.
“Yeah, so come on down to eat,” I say starting to turn and walk away.
“Zar, hang on a second,” she says coming toward me.
I turn to face her as she stands in the doorway with her hands on her hips.
“What’s up?” I ask.
She turns to lean on the door frame and crosses her arms.
“Zar, I know we really aren’t all that great of sisters let alone friends,” She pauses and takes in a deep breath while looking down at the floor, “there’s just something I’ve been meaning to ask, rather talk to you about. I just need you to know that I’m not trying to pry.”