by t. h. snyder
I reach for the cup and take down a few sips. I attempt to clear my throat and try to speak again.
“The last thing I remember is sitting on my sister’s bed trying to wake her up for school, this morning. We started talking and the next thing I know, I’m lying in this bed.”
Dr. Roberts looks down at me and his face saddens.
“Yes, I’m sorry about the confusion you must feel Zar, but it was necessary for the ambulance to bring you here to make sure you were okay.”
“Oh,” Is the only thing I can say.
“Let me explain what happened, at least from what I understand,.”
I nod my head.
“You experienced quite a bit within the past few hours. It’s very important for you to remain calm and not get too excited or anxious from what I’m about to tell you. Can you promise me that, Zar?”
I nod my head again allowing him to proceed.
“Your younger sister Zoe told us that two of you were talking, just as you mentioned, so you have that part correct. As for the part that you don’t remember: a few things did happen that lead you lying to this lovely room. From what your sister described to us, you suffered from a severe panic attack which lead you to pass out and convulse into what we believe was a psychogenic non-epileptic seizure. You fell from your sister’s bed and hit your head on the footboard before completely falling to the floor.”
My mouth falls completely open and my hands reach to cradle my head that is falling forward.
“I know this is a lot to take in right now, Zar, but in order to understand why this happened, it’s important for you to try and remember your last memory.”
I shake my head as the tears begin to fall from my face.
How is this all happening to me?
My tears from crying turn into a flood of sobbing.
“Zar, why don’t we take a break for a moment? I’ll let your family know that you’ve woken up. I know that they are all anxious to see you. You gave them all a pretty big scare today. I’ll come back in a few hours to see how you are feeling and a nurse will be in shortly to check on your vitals,” he says, patting my hand with his large one.
Dr. Roberts rises from the chair and pushes it back against the wall. He exits the room and I let out a breath that apparently I’d been holding.
I’m trying to take in everything he just said without getting upset all over again. I wipe the tears that are now falling from my eyes.
A light tapping sound comes from the door, but before I can say come in, I see my parents walking through the doorway.
Mom comes over first and leans down to give me a hug and kiss.
“Ok Roberta, don’t hog her all to yourself,” dad says, pushing her out of his way.
Mom moves back and pulls the curtain over to the far wall.
Dad leans in and places a kiss on my forehead and grabs my hand.
They both move away from the bed and I can now see the entire room.
There is a large window in the corner and a few chairs set up along the wall. Dad grabs the one that Dr. Roberts had been sitting on and mom pulls another over so that she too can sit next to me.
“Sweetie, I don’t even know where to start,” mom says, while tears begin to fall from her cheeks.
“Roberta, we discussed this before coming in here,” dad replies.
“I know, I know,” she says.
He grabs for my hand and holds it tightly in his. I can feel the warmth coming from him and a chill ignites throughout my body. I shiver for a brief second and then lay my head back on the pillow.
“Are you cold, Zar?” Mom asks.
I shake my head no. I’m too afraid to speak, that if I do I will break down again. I can’t let them see me when I’m weak; this is all a huge mess.
“Dr. Roberts told us he had a chance to talk with you. Do you have any questions that maybe we can answer for you?” Mom asks wiping her face.
“No, mom,” I reply.
“Is there anything we can get for you Zar? Are you hungry?” Dad asks.
“No, dad.” I reply.
I’m doing everything in my power to keep myself cool, calm and relaxed.
“Really, I’m fine guys. Just tired is all,” I say.
I hear mom let out a heavy sigh and get up from the chair. I turn my head and watch her as she paces the far side of the large room. I hate that I’m the one that is causing her this grief right now. I can’t even begin to imagine how it must feel to have a child lying in a hospital bed and not knowing what is wrong with her.
“I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I say, as the tears begin to pool in my eyes.
“Oh sweetie, no one said any of this is your fault. Please don’t say that to us,” she says, rushing back over to my bed, “I just hate to see this happening to you and I have no way of knowing how to fix it.”
My dad stands and walks over to my mom. He wraps his arm around her and she begins to cry into his chest.
Seeing my mom in this much pain is the whole reason I wanted to keep my life in the darkness a secret. I knew that if they found out how much hurt, it would crush them.
“Everything will be okay. You will be getting great care from Dr. Roberts and we’ll get to the bottom of what is causing these episodes. Our main concern right now is the seizure and bump you took to your head. I know that they’ll want to run some tests soon, but for right now why don’t you get some rest. Zeke and Allie will be getting dinner with Zoe soon and when they come back we’ll all come in to check on you.”
I nod and turn my head away to face the other wall.
I feel like I’ve already let them down and they don’t even know a portion of what’s been going on. Will the truth come out and when it does, will they all treat me like glass?
Tears continue to fall from my face. Emotionally, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with all of this. Mentally, I wonder if I will be able to forget what Zoe saw in her bedroom this morning.
Zoe. Oh god, I can’t imagine what she must really be thinking of me now? Not only does she have a sister that is known as a freak, but she had to see, firsthand, the type of breakdown I go through emotionally when I go into panic mode.
How will she ever look at me the same again?
Will she still see me as her older sister or the problem of the family that she just has to deal with?
This sucks, even if I wanted to get some rest, it’s not likely to happen.
Ever since mom and dad walked out it’s been a revolving door in here. Between the nurse coming in to check my vitals and the orderlies coming to take me for random tests, I haven’t had a moment of peace to myself since I woke up a few hours ago.
Dr. Roberts popped in a few times, but promised he wouldn’t push my buttons until I was ready.
Little does he know that I’ll never be ready.
I’m scared, really scared.
I have no clue what’s going on in this brain of mine.
All I do know, is that the triggers have been hitting me more frequently and the panic attacks are getting worse.
The episode that happened at the house this morning was the worst I’ve had in five years. I haven’t felt like that since the night it all happened. And then I had some kind of seizure on top of it all?
I let out a huge puff of air.
I can’t believe this is all happening.
Just when things were starting to turn around for me and I’d found Loudon, something like this has to happen and bring me back down.
Oh shit, Loudon.
I can only hope that he hasn’t heard about this.
God, what the hell will he think of me if he know what kind of a mess I am?
I lie back down on the bed and close my eyes.
I never asked for this.
Did I do something so wrong for me to deserve to be punished?
All I ever wanted was to be loved by my family, get good grades and get into Iowa State.
I never…ever asked to t
urn into a freak that has chronic panic attacks.
Finally, I feel as if I can close my eyes and fall asleep. I pull one of my white blankets up to my chest and roll onto my left side. Rather than drifting off, I’m thinking about everything that has gone wrong today, I picture a tall dark haired, bright green eyed guy. If nothing else I can fall asleep to happy thoughts of Loudon.
I take in a deep breath and stretch my legs. Rolling over onto my back I bring my arms up over my head and let out a loud groan.
Ahh, that felt good.
I hear a laugh and my eyes shoot wide open.
Still being a little groggy from my nap, I blink a few times to focus my vision.
When I see him I’m not too sure I’m not still dreaming.
I close my eyes and open them up again.
“Hey, sleepy head,” he says.
Totally out of sorts, I shake my head.
“Am I dreaming or is this real?” I think….oh shit did I just say that out loud?
He laughs louder this time and comes to stand next to me.
“You’ve been out awhile and visiting hours are almost over. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see you awake tonight.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I had company waiting on me,” I reply with a grimace.
“Nah, no worries. I heard you had a rough day. You needed your sleep, doll.”
“Thanks,” I reply and fake a smile, feeling a bit nervous.
I can’t believe he is here.
Should I be upset that he’s here, because I know that means he knows why I’m in this bed.
Oh god, what if he hates me, but if he hated me, why would he be here.
I hate this!
I hate that I have to second guess everything that happens to me and the motives of those that surround me.
“What are you whipping up in that pretty head of yours, Zar? Your brows are so scrunched it looks painful.”
“Ugh!” I shout and pull the white cover over my face. “I’m sorry you had to come here to check on stupid me.”
“Come on Zar, don’t hide from me. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. Don’t push me away again. I thought we were in this together, you told me you would try. Don’t give up on me.”
I can feel his hand above the cover as he pulls it down so that he can see me.
He has a good point. I doubt anyone forced him to be here and the way it looks to me, he’s here alone.
“I’m sorry for doubting you, Loudon. There’s so much about me that you don’t know. This is just a big part of a million piece jumbo puzzle that is my messed up life. I wouldn’t blame you if you ran from me right now. I don’t want to pull you down with me. It’s a dark pit and sometimes I don’t know how, or if, I’ll ever get out.”
“I’ll be really honest…no I’m gonna be blunt. Yeah, you’re not the typical girl I’d go out with, hell probably not ever even try and talk with, but Zar, you are so different to me. Before I ever met you, when Allie would rave about you to our parents, I just knew that when I did finally meet you, things would be different,” he stops for a second.
Lifting the blankets, he scoots in next to me on the bed. He kicks off his sneakers and lifts my head to cradle it onto his chest. He sweeps his arm around me and pulls me up next to him.
“Ok, that’s better. You comfy?” He asks, taking my hand in his.
I nod my head and lean in closer to him.
“Anyway, as I was saying, so I had this idea of a girl named Zar that was pretty cool as shit. Then I met you at my house and who would have guessed that you were the girl from the pizzeria. I couldn’t get you out of mind since that day. You are stuck with me, Zar and I’ll do whatever I can to keep you there. I like you; in fact I like you a lot. I want to know more about you other than all the stuff Allie has told me. So we may not have the best ways of getting together, but I do know that when I’m with you I want to protect you from whatever it is that hurts you Zar.”
I can’t believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. As safe and secure as he makes me feel when I’m with him, he wants to protect me that much more. Can he be for real?
Tears begin to flood my vision and I can barely see our intertwined hands.
A sob escapes my throat and I try so hard to keep myself from crying.
“Shhh, don’t cry, Zar. I didn’t say that to make you cry. Come on, shhh.”
He pulls me into an embrace and tries to soothe me by rubbing my back.
“Loudon, you have no idea how you make me feel. I don’t know how or why you are here, but I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.”
“Zar, I’m here now and I don’t plan on going anywhere; even if you try and get rid of me. Like I said before, you are stuck with me. We are a pair and no matter what, we will get through this together, just follow my lead.”
I nod my head into his chest.
“Just relax and try and fall back to sleep. I’ll stay as long as I can, or until they kick me out.”
“Thank you, Loudon. Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know,” I say with more sincerity than I’ve ever tried to muster.
“You never have to thank me, Zar; I’m here because I want to be here…with you. And for the record, we’re not friends. Just so we’re clear, you are my girl Zar; don’t ever forget that.”
He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes, allowing my body to fall into a deep sleep.
I try and do as he says, but all I can do is think about one thing….change.
Sometimes the pain is too much, it’s overwhelming; yet I don’t know how to change or make the pain go away.
Change isn’t something I’ve ever wanted until now.
I figured it wouldn’t make me happier. And failing would make me much worse.
Things wouldn’t be different with the kids at school, my parents or my brother and sister. So what’s the point of changing?
There is no point. So why am I so confused on whether or not I should change who I am because of one person?
Even if that person makes me want to be a better daughter, sister, student, and maybe even human being, it doesn’t mean that I should…right?
He’s had me thinking weird things from the start. Things that made me wonder if life could be different if I changed. If I did, would I be worthy of the same things the rest of the world did?
He did this to me.
Not necessarily the first moment we met, but in just the short amount of time I’ve known him, he did this to me.
He pierced my soul with something stronger than the studs I have on my body. Stronger than the pain of my tattoo; which my parents still don’t know that I have.
I’m somewhat unsettled, confused, and unsure, but he seems to make all the other pain go away.
I thought if maybe I just didn’t see him again things would go back to normal. I mean, it isn’t like we go to the same school or anything.
But, man was I wrong.
Now, thanks to Zeke and Allie, I see him all the time, but I didn’t think he’d see me the way in which I see him.
Loudon makes me feel so much better, I just hope I can do as he says, trust him and follow him through this darkness until all I can see is the light.
“Zar, Zar, doll, wake up.”
I hear Loudon’s voice, but all I see is the darkness. I feel myself slipping further and further into the memories of the past. I see them; my peers. They are pointing at me, and they are laughing at me. I’ve fallen. I see mom running down the bleachers and dad trailing behind her. I felt it, but it’s too late. Now they are laughing and I can’t breathe.
“Zar, come on, wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”
My eyes fly open and I see Loudon sitting up next to me. Oh, thank god, it was just a dream…my worst kind of dream.
“Are you okay? You were screaming and I tried to wake you, but I didn’t want to scare you.” Loudon asks, his voice in a panic.
I nod my head and pull myse
lf into his chest.
“I’m so sorry,” I cry into him.
“Zar, you have nothing to be sorry for, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was just a dream, but I’m here. It will all be okay,” he says in the calmest tone, trying to relax me.
“No Loudon, you don’t understand. It pulls me in and I can’t get out. I’ll never find my way out because of them. They created this darkness and I can’t get out of it.”
“I need you to need me Zar,” he says.
“Loudon,” I cry, “take away my pain.”
“Zar, talk to me. Let me be the one to pull you from this darkness.”
The sun is shining in through the window and a sense of warmth fills my spirits.
I slowly pry my eyes open and the glare of the sun on the tile floor hits me directly in the face.
If only I felt safe in the light, in the warmth of the sun.
After everything that has happened in the past twenty-four hours, I feel like shit and I can guarantee I look even worse.
The curtain in my room is pulled all the way to the side and there are chairs with pillows and blankets scattered around my bed. It looks as though there may have been a sleepover going on in here while I was asleep.
I roll onto my back and cover my eyes until I can wake up a bit more. I think back to the last memory I had before passing out last night.
“Loudon,” I say out loud.
I open my eyes again and look around the room.
Where is he?
Did the nurses really kick him out or did he leave of his own free will?
In only the short amount of time we’ve really known each other; so much has happened.
He has now tried to take down a bully, seen me at my worst and still he wants to be a part of my life.
I will be forever grateful to him.
The door swings open and I watch as they all walk into the room; in comes the entourage.
“Oh look, sleeping beauty is awake,” I hear Zeke say.
Mom smacks him in the stomach and he pulls her into a head lock.
I roll my eyes at him and mouth, “nice”.
“Hey girl, glad to see that you’re up. How are you feeling?” Allie asks.