It was heading towards me. I had no doubt about that.
At some point I lost control of both my mind and body. I knew terror and from it I had to flee, death was a better option, anything that would stop this overwhelming emotional storm. I would stop it. I would jump. A few moments of falling and then oblivion.
The decision was made and all I had to do was push myself forward from where I cowered against the rock face.
As the creature drew closer I could see it had a breast plate of tarnished gold and in letters written in flame I could make out the word FEAR.
I screamed I think and then jumped.
Instead of falling I rose upwards caught in the talons of this great black beast.
After this I have no memory.
I must have passed out.
I am as write this Adam embarrassed by this tale. It sounds so unutterably unbelievable. Yes I must record these events for you. Perhaps when I am done you will understand. I plead with you from beyond the grave to carry on decoding my notebooks. I am not mad but I have a tale to tell. Please don't give up on me. Please I beg you read on.
Facing Fear
I am standing on soft green grass looking up the valley to where the cave had been. The valley is enclosed at the end by high snow topped mountains. The river is flowing past my left hand side, it is not yet at its widest, here it is shallow and in mid meander. The little piece of land I am standing on has been looped over by the river leaving something like a jigsaw rounded protrusion. It seem so peaceful as I look back up the valley. The kind of place that had always been to me the very definition of idyllic, the kind of wonderful place I could have escaped to in my mind during times of stress. A peaceful place. A place of safety.
Except it wasn't.
I could feel the terror behind me and I didn't dare move. It was looming darkly I knew not far from my back. It was a creature of nightmares, beyond the possibilities of existence. I could feel its breath flow hotly over my body and hear and feel the movement of its wings as though it were flapping them slowly in order stay upright.
I was frozen in terror. Movement forward seemed impossible, I felt the fear even as the thought entered my mind. I imagined that if I tried to run this growing terror behind me would pounce without hesitation and devour my very being enveloping me in terror.
Yet I had to do something. Although shaking it had reached the point where I had to fight or flee at least that's what the automatic responses of my body were dictating. I had to do something. I chose the least awful of the options and spun round on my heel to face my greatest fear.
I saw it fill my eyes and mind and blot out everything as it gave a hideous roar and lunged towards me its jaws opening, somehow I stood my ground but hunched my shoulders ducked my head and closed my eyes, my fist curling into tight balls the blood pounding in my head. I felt it.
The blackness and terror filled my every sinew and I waited for the pain to become physical rather than mental.
Nothing.
I opened my eyes very slowly looking through a guarded slit. It was there in front of me perhaps five metres distant appearing to rest beside a solitary tree. I stood up mentally as well as physically trying to make myself as tall as possible. Every feature of the creature was vile and the word FEAR burned on its breast as before. I forced myself to look at it and take in every detail the more I looked at it the less fear I found in my own being. I grew stronger.
I wasn't sure what to do. I still couldn't flee from this fearsome creature nor did I have any means at my disposal to despatch it from this word. It could still crush me without a second thought.
I took a step forward. It was a very tentative step. There was no response from the creature and I decided to walk forward even if it meant meeting my end. Not that I rushed, it was a slow progress.
After minutes I was close enough to see it even more closely and saw it for what it was rather than the first impression that had filled my mind. It watched me. My every movement was followed and I felt it knew me.
At last I was close enough to see its eyes.
I stopped then and puzzled. I had thought to see anger and rage and foulness in these eyes everything that would be nasty and horrible and beyond imagination. I saw none of that in the eyes.
I was puzzled. Then my heart was moved the great stone inside me melting almost instantly for what I saw in the eyes of this hideous creature was fear. It was terrified and this melted my heart. I hate to see fear in others and hate above all to see it in an animal or bird. This creature looked as though it was caught in trap, its eyes bulging with terror.
Compassion and love for this deeply wounded creature replaced all that resided in my heart and I spoke quietly in some meaningless noises that I would have used to calm a frightened dog or horse. I could see the creature respond to a kindness and quietness of my voice. Encouraged I stepped further forward drawing ever closer to the dark beast. The closer I got the more it began to shake till I imagined I could hear its bones rattling.
I reached out when I was close enough to touch it, to let it feel my concern and to calm its terror all the while making soft noises in my throat.
I was no longer afraid for myself or of this creature. It seemed rooted to the spot as though my actions were tying it to the ground.
I looked into the eyes then when I was close. I saw nothing but fear. Yet the fear did not reach me it no longer gave out anything that touched me, its breath was no longer foul to my nose, its darkness no longer a thing of terror. I was absolutely involved with this being. Consumed by it.
I touched it.
The scales were smooth and dry and I could feel it shaking beneath my hand even though it loomed over me and I ought to have had bowels of water I felt only love and compassion for this creature quivering under my touch.
I spoke again and quietly told it that there was nothing to fear. I love you I said with feeling, I won't harm you.
It raised it head and eyes towards the sky and let out a roar that grew louder and louder and the ground shook, the tree trembled to its roots, the ground began to shift, the leaves were blown upwards and it looked as though a mighty wind was blowing from the ground. I let the creature go and stumbled backwards on the heaving ground and fell, twisting backwards.
Blackness filled my eyes and I think I might have been partly knocked out. I was aware with part of my mind the earth coming to rest and the roaring receding in the distance. Whether the roaring did recede or I simply slipped into a faint where everything receded I couldn't swear even on pain of death.
I opened my eyes.
Free Flying
Alone on the valley floor I rested with my back against the tree. I watched the river glinting in the sun as it flowed gently passed. The grass was soft and sweet, the leaves rustled overhead in the gentle breeze. Birds sang in the distance and sun warmed my body and I was at peace.
It was more than peace. I felt clean and whole and a lightness of being that cannot fully be described. I held my head up to the sun and closed my eyes and felt myself floating happily in these idyllic surroundings. It was like sitting on the softest of feather beds, like being on a cushion of air. Nothing could be more perfect than this moment or so I thought at the time. I had no idea of the sweetness to come. Beyond my imagination even at this point in my experience, my journey, my quest.
Opening my eyes I noticed that my perspective had changed. For a moment I was puzzled and then I realised I was actually floating above the ground. Not far but above the ground nevertheless and I struggled thinking I was dreaming while at the same time feeling and knowing I had always been able to do this. As I struggled with this thought I hit the ground with a thump and felt heavy again.
I stood up confused and metaphorically scratched my head. Confusion poured over me along with the strongest sense of deja vu. Had I not dreamt so often throughout my life of being able to float above the ground and move with only my mind to guide me? I was convinced by this dream that had haunted me all my life that thi
s was something I could do, ought to be able to do and yet when awake it was impossible to achieve that lightness of being that allowed me to lift my body just a little off the ground and move forward. The dream in my life was strong. I had often tried to step off the bottom of the stairs and not hit the ground. No matter how I tried I could not access this ability.
Eventually I had to convince myself it was just a very vivid dream. And yet now here I was experiencing the strangest of things and yet had no doubt no matter how bizarre the experience this was far more than a dream, far from a hallucination, I was in a reality and grounded in it as surely as the sun warms the earth. Yet even so a doubt remained that I was dreaming and yet this was no dream. No fakery here, this was all for real. Every weird and bizarre bit of the experience was real.
Like a little cloud above my head the doubt grew to cast a shadow over my being. I was perplexed and puzzled, the more the doubt grew and the more I wrestled with thoughts about dreams and reality the heavier I seemed to become the more grounded by gravity. I wondered if I had dreamt the floating.
I sat down beneath the tree and struggled with doubt and confusion until I grew thirsty and hungry.
I squatted beside the river and scooped up water until my thirst was quenched and then looked around for food. There had to be something edible. I scanned the river bank and my surroundings and saw nothing. I couldn't identify the trees that were scattered thinly on either side of the river, none seemed to hold any fruit.
Darkness began to fall and I huddled against the tree my hunger only partly sated by the water I had drunk. I fell into a fitful sleep gnawed at by hunger and doubt.
I woke with the first rays of the sun and decided I must explore the valley to try and find food of some sort. I was disappointed to be honest that there was none lying there as there had been so often in the days gone past. My doubts grew and as I trekked away from the rising sun across the river towards the mountainside in the distance my body seemed to grow heavier under the weight of doubt and confusion. I had a half baked plan to get to the side of the valley and begin to walk all the way round it seeking both food and a way out of the place.
I stumbled and fell many times as I headed towards the mountainside which rose out of the verdant green of the plain like a rock wall.
Towards noon with what seemed like miles and miles to go I sat down. I tried hard to move my mind back to that wonderful sense of wholeness and lightness of being I had known just over twenty hours earlier. Back to the place I had been in mentally before confusion and doubt had taken hold of my being and cast me down into this heaviness. Even the sun seemed to shine less brightly than it had done and the colours seemed to have a tendency to fade to grey in my peripheral vision.
I gave myself a physical slap on the face in a vain attempt to knock some sense into my being. I looked around me and saw an idyll. A paradise. Yet I was burdened and unable to see properly what was around me. I shook myself mentally and physically trying to shake off this growing darkness around my soul. I doubted, oh how I doubted everything. There would be no food, no help, no floating, no future, I was alone in madness on this soft green grass where now I laid my head in despair.
As the day wore on I gave myself over to self pity and doubt and darkness. Fear was gone but I was being swallowed by blackness. I lay down to die.
All was lost, I was without hope. Abandoned and alone. I had no will left and lay there asking to die. I gave up and waited to die.
And night came and curled its own darkness around my prone body and I longed for sleep. At some point I fell into the arms of sleep.
I dreamed a dream.
I fought in my dream and a great shadowy figure as strong a man as ever I have wrestled. His name was doubt and we fought throughout the night. We wrestled and struggled until I grew weak neither of us able to overcome the other. Towards dawn he grew extremely black in form and that seemed to give him renewed strength over me and I felt myself begin to lose the battle of the night. He started to push me backwards and I felt my strength begin to ebb and fade. I was lost. I would lose this battle against this mighty foe whose only words had been grunts or whispers in my ear about his victory and the hopelessness of my struggle. Just when all was lost I felt the first light of the sun begin to disperse the gloom and warm my back and caress my head and this seemed to give me an extra strength and I was able to push this shadowy figure towards the river. I was winning slowly but surely and after much effort we were on the very bank of the river itself. I gave a mighty push and I saw and felt him begin to slip from the banking into the river and as his great feet plunged into the water his feet began to disperse caught in the water and flowing away like spilled ash. He grew smaller his head coming equal with mine at last and I was able to get a good grip on his shoulders and with all my strengthening might I was able to push him down into the water and watch him disintegrate and flow away like sewage. It was with a great sense of satisfaction that I pushed his head under water and watched it disperse.
The night was long and I had struggled with him for many hours and I was exhausted and lay down in my dream to sleep.
At this moment I awoke and felt the full force of the dream in wakened state. I felt elated to be free from the doubt and the darkness that had crushed me with such force the night before. Convinced as I was that I had had a dream I found when I tried to move that every muscle ached and when I tried to stand I found myself to be very wobbly and unsteady on my legs.
I was thirsty as well and only then did I realise that I was back beside the river not far from where I had strode out the day before for the side of the valley, while confused by this I was glad and drank deeply from the water until I felt refreshed. Around me I noticed little mushroom type growths that had grown during the night and tentatively I tasted one and found it to be sweet on the tongue and melting easily. I ate my fill and felt my strength return.
My body still ached and I decided to rest where I was beside the river for the remainder of the day.
I felt a great need to think and ponder and to try and get to grips with what I was experiencing and make sense of the reality in which I found myself.
I realised that reality only exists in our minds. For example the world has no colour it is only what our eyes make of the light that enters them that gives us colour and only with two eyes do we see depth or think we do. Other creatures see the world and shapes quite differently. There is no definitive thing called red but only something we are able to call that by common experience. I had made the shadowy figure into that of a man but was it? Was it just my mind making sense out the reality.
I expected grass to be green and trees to be trees and water to flow and so around me that was what I made out, but was it real or just my brain making some kind of sense out of something else. I recalled being able to float and then doubting it because of course gravity made such an idea impossible, I looked at the ground and assumed that I must be tied to it by the force I knew as gravity. What if that was not the case at all?
As I tried to make sense of all these thoughts I noticed that I had begun to rise slowly above the ground and I struggled with this idea but refused to doubt what I was experiencing. I tried to trust what I was experiencing as being part of the this new reality. I looked at the tree and longed for the shade it was casting, a shade I hadn't noticed before, was I creating the shadow out of my need for there to be shadows in my world and as I got lost in that thought so I found myself slowly and gently moving across the river towards the tree. I tried hard not to fight or doubt the experience and I found very quickly that I was at rest beneath the tree and wished myself to be in contact with the green grass and so I settled as gently as a falling feather to the ground and there I rested throughout the afternoon and in to the evening. As the sun began to set I made my way on foot to the river to drink and to eat of the sweet food that was growing on the bank and then with a simple act of will a lightness of being filled my body and I floated gently back to the tree, my fe
et only a few centimetres above the ground. I needed to make no walking motion I simply moved freely through the air. I was exhilarated by this experience and the reality of that which I had always dreamed of doing. I had known I could do this and was glad finally to experience it while awake. It wasn't flying, I could simply move my body by an act of will and so it moved and glided.
I sat down and prepared for nightfall
Exploring
In the morning I felt like a toddler who has suddenly found his feet and wants to run everywhere while often crashing and falling. As I explored the possibilities of movement without the restraint of gravity I made many errors particularly when I tried to rise in height or when I sent myself going forward too fast and ended up tumbling and rolling half off the ground and often bouncing on the ground.
I was free of earthly tethers and I realised that many of the negative emotions that had plagued me seemed to have disappeared almost entirely, indeed it was hard to even recall what they had felt like. Although I still had the words for the emotions they no longer called up identifiable echoes in my mind. My past seemed to be slipping from me and I had a feeling of being new born, a new creation, a lamb gambolling in the fields in spring time.
I spent the day trying to master my new ability and by the time darkness drew in again I felt I had got the hang of the basics. As I mused under the tree I realised that I did not ache and could have gone on much longer.
I lay floating just above the ground, my hands behind my head watching the stars in the sky. Each night there seemed to be more of them burning ever more brightly. I felt no heat or cold and my sleep was that of child, deep and untroubled.
Sleep was an instant event now, no longer a case of tossing and turning and waiting but rather my mind switched off and then on again as I awoke. There was no sense of grogginess or the need to yawn and stretch. I was changing and I barely noticed this happening until several days later as I bent down to take water I saw my reflection in the water and for a long time failed to recognise myself. I find it hard to describe but somehow this new lightness of being was reflected in the water. I seemed to be more like light than anything else but that is woefully inadequate. In fact at first glance I felt there must be someone behind me and I looked round to find no one of course.
Inner Legacy Page 5