He looked up at me, sandwich not quite to his lips, and said, “What do you mean?”
“Well…I mean…look. There are thousands of bands out there, lots of ‘em unsigned, right? And I was just thinking—you’ve got Bullet for My Valentine, right, and they’re really famous. Why didn’t they just use the name Bullet? Was it because it was already being used by somebody else?”
Ethan’s brows furrowed, and he almost looked angry, but then he said, “That would totally fucking suck if someone already took that name. We tried all kinds of names and Bullet just fit, you know? And it encompasses the attitude we have—we’re lethal, deadly, but only in the right hands. We’re the ammo for your anger, your pain.” He took a sip of his Coke. “Goddammit. That’s gonna piss me off if it is already taken.”
“Sorry…”
“No, Val, don’t be. That’s something I probably should have already thought about.”
I forced a smile, but I know it was weak. “We can Google it.”
“Yeah, I’m not ready to find out yet.” I smiled and squeezed ketchup out of a packet onto the paper covering the tray. He said, “So how’d you like the bands?”
No way was I going to talk about the hot guitarist of the second band making me feel all warm and gooey. I’d focus on the music. “They were awesome. Thanks again for inviting me.”
“Did you like ‘em?”
“Yeah. The first one was raw and angry, and the second guys were too, but they felt more polished.”
“That’s kind of what I thought, too. I’ve seen ‘em before. They’re good.” We ate in silence for a few moments until Ethan said, “So…you know one of my secrets now.” I looked at him with a confused look on my face, I’m sure. He grinned. “You know about my band. But, you know, we don’t really know a whole lot about each other. I mean…where are you from? What’s your major?”
I nodded. “I’m from Winchester.”
“Winchester…that’s over by Colorado Springs, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yep. Where are you from?”
“A podunk shit town about an hour from here. Nothing even worth talking about.” He crumpled up the wrapper from his first burger and began unwrapping a second. “So…major?”
Hmmm…okay, so he didn’t want to talk about his home. I wondered why but didn’t want to force the issue. “I’m undecided.”
“Me, too.”
“It’s not that there isn’t anything I’m interested in. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m interested in a lot of things. Too many, I guess. So…I can’t really decide what I want to do.”
“They say it’s okay to be undecided your first year. You kind of get a feel for what you want to study and then you decide.”
We spent the rest of time at McDonald’s comparing our first semester experiences with each other. We talked about the classes we didn’t have in common, as well as professors and different students we’d met in classes. We also talked about other interests outside of music, and I mentioned that I liked to write poetry. So he made me promise to share my poetry with him sometime. I told him I’d love to as long as he also promised to share his music with me in the near future. He winked and said he would soon.
We arrived back at the college a little while later, and he walked me up to my dorm room. It was after eleven, but it was Friday night, and since I wasn’t worried about losing any sleep, I invited him in. We’d talked about Googling to see if his band’s name was already taken. I liked the name Bullet, especially since I felt like he’d penetrated my heart already, much like a bullet would have, but I feared that name would be too common to not have been taken already.
When we walked in the door to my room, I was surprised to see Charlotte. I had expected her to be on a date or spending the night somewhere else. For her to be in our dorm room so early on a Friday night was odd. Ethan sat backwards in the chair at my desk, and I sat on the edge of my bed across from him. I said, “Ethan, this is my roommate, Charlotte Edwards. Charlotte, my friend, Ethan Richards.”
“You guys went to a concert tonight, right?”
I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm. “Yes. And it was awesome!”
“So all you guys dress that way for your way-out concerts. What’s with all the black? Not that I don’t like black; I love it…” She eyed Ethan from head to toe, even though the back of the chair covered his torso. “Especially on men. But you two look like you went to a funeral, not a concert. Actually, Valerie, you look like a little girl going to a funeral.”
What was she trying to do, aside from upset me? Well, she wasn’t going to get the satisfaction. I was going to keep my cool if it killed me. “Charlotte, you are entitled to your opinion, but I happen to think both Ethan and I are appropriately dressed for the concert we attended. We didn’t look out of place. And, here on campus, I always dress appropriately for classes. I’m sorry you can’t quite understand metal culture.”
Ethan was silent. Maybe he sensed a heated battle. I glanced over at him, and he just grinned in that cocky way of his. Maybe he wanted to see a catfight.
Charlotte raised her pencil-thin eyebrows. “Oh, I understand it. I just don’t get the appeal.”
I shrugged, trying to maintain the peace. “That’s cool. It’s not for everybody.” She rolled her eyes. “And I wouldn’t dress like this every day. I wouldn’t totally metal out for class.”
“Thank goodness.”
I was tired of her bitchiness, and I was pretty irritated that she felt the need to do it in front of my friend and love interest. She was embarrassing. I was going to call her on her rudeness. “What’s that supposed to mean anyway?”
She sneered at me. “You look awful.”
Ethan didn’t let me get in the next word. He said, “She looks fuckin’ awesome.”
That didn’t stop Charlotte. “Only because she’s the exact replica of you.” Ethan raised his eyebrows, as though questioning her sanity. She continued, “Was this planned?”
I was tired of being insulted by the little…bitch. Yes, that’s what she was, and—even though at that point in my life I didn’t use foul language much (believe me when I tell you that’s changed)—I was angry. I was going to say something—anything—as rude and as out of character as possible, hoping to get her attention and make her think about how mean she was. “At least I’m not so desperate for attention that I walk around campus in Victoria’s Secret lingerie when it’s snowing outside.”
Her disinterested look turned into a glare, and she jumped off her bed. “You little bitch!” she spat. “You’ve got nerve. That’s a low blow.”
“Oh, and your cracks about being a little girl and dressing poorly weren’t?”
I guess I’d struck a nerve, although I couldn’t see how. I wasn’t being any ruder than she was. But she lunged at me with her sharp red fingernails anyway. I hadn’t noticed Ethan beside me until he caught her wrists in time. He just looked at her for what seemed like forever, as though to burn something into her brain. He said, “You touch her…or any of her stuff, you’ll have to answer to me.” He still didn’t look at me when he said, “Come on, Val. Let’s go.”
He let go of Charlotte’s wrists, and she started rubbing her left one. As I started following Ethan to the door, she said, “Don’t bother. I won’t stay in this room with this tramp one more minute.”
I stopped and took a deep breath. “Tramp?” I let out a breath and decided just to shut up. I turned around to see what she was doing. She’d slid a small suitcase out from under her bed and opened it on top of her blanket. She really was packing. That was weird. I hadn’t done anything to make her want to leave, had I?
She packed a few things and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow for the rest of my stuff. Can’t wait to have your sicky-sweet cheerful shitty self out of my hair.” She shoved past Ethan to the door.
Once the door slammed, Ethan put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me into an embrace. What a strange evening. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll b
e fine, but I’m wondering what the hell just happened.”
“You guys fight a lot?”
“No, not really. And I didn’t realize I drove her that crazy.”
Ethan chuckled. “Guess you killed her with kindness.” I didn’t want to think about Charlotte anymore, especially since having my head up against his chest and his arms around my back was distracting the hell out of me. He was quiet when he said, “I wonder where she’ll go.”
Why did he even care? I shouldn’t have let that bother me, but it did. Still, I didn’t plan to say anything about it. “She’ll probably go to one of her boyfriends’. I really don’t care.”
“I should probably go.” He pulled back a little to look me in the eye. “You sure you’ll be all right?”
Without even thinking, I said, “Yeah. I’ll probably have the best night’s sleep I’ve had since I got here. I feel pretty good actually.” But I felt like the worst was not yet over between Charlotte and me. I knew that down to my bones.
“If you need anything, call me. And I’ll call you tomorrow.” He kissed me on the forehead, but why wouldn’t he just kiss me full on?
“Good night, Ethan,” I said, and I wondered if I sounded as dreamy to him as I did to myself.
He left and the room felt empty and lonely, even if it did feel nice without Charlotte. Adrenaline was still pumping through my veins when I put on pajamas and crawled into bed. At first, I was worried that Charlotte would come crashing back into our room and pull me out of bed. And then I realized maybe I had been stupid and lost my opportunity with Ethan. Maybe he needed encouragement. Maybe I should have just done the kissing myself, planted my lips on his full ones and cut loose. Or maybe I should have told him I didn’t feel safe and that I wanted him to stay with me. But…being virginal me and wanting to protect my virtue, I didn’t even consider it until later as I lay in my bed, wondering what misstep I had taken.
Aside from that, though, I’d had a great night with Ethan and thought maybe…maybe I might have a chance with him.
Chapter Five
CHARLOTTE MOVED OUT all right, just as she’d promised. She did it over the weekend, and while I lay on my bed studying, listening to one of As I Lay Dying’s albums on my iPod, she didn’t say a word. Sure enough, there was a guy helping her haul her stuff out. I smiled at them both, but Charlotte wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Well, it was her decision, and I wasn’t too upset about it, but I didn’t want to be a total jerk about it. Twice when she was walking through the room, she “accidentally” bumped my things, like a bottle of cologne and a picture, knocking them to the floor, probably hoping they’d break. I felt nervous enough that I asked our RA if the girl had turned in her key to our room, and I didn’t sleep well until I’d verified it. The RA assured me she had moved to another floor with another poor soul to torture.
And in the following weeks, Ethan never even came close to laying a hand on me and his lips didn’t get near mine again. But we did attend basketball games together, eat together, and study together (although we talked more than we studied). We started spending so much time together, I began considering him my best college friend. And if that meant nothing else would ever happen between us, I’d be okay with that. We had an understanding, a common bond, and our friendship was growing stronger every day. I’d be okay with just friends.
I was becoming more and more anxious to see his band Bullet. Ethan talked about it a lot, and I told him I was excited. One afternoon, we were in the library, both logged onto computers because we’d been doing research for papers, and I reminded him about the fact that I suspected Bullet was a name that had already been taken. And while Ethan might have been okay with that, I just wanted him to be aware. So we looked it up, and sure enough, Bullet was taken by more than one band. Ethan was bummed and then started searching for other names for bands having to do with ammo, like Full Metal Jacket (which he didn’t want anyway, because it belonged to a movie), and other things. He was shocked at all of the names that were taken. “Don’t worry, though, Val. I’ll figure something out. Except I don’t know how I’ll tell the guys.” I looked at him, perhaps with a little too much eagerness. He started laughing, then realized his voice was probably too loud. “Yeah, yeah…I’ll introduce you to the guys, okay?”
I started giggling and lost myself, wrapping him in a hug that I think made him blush. And why he couldn’t get a clue, I didn’t know. I knew he wasn’t gay, so what was the problem? Maybe I would have to find a way to be more forward.
But he gave in to my incessant demands to introduce me to “the guys.” His roommate, Zane Carson, was the band’s bassist. I didn’t say anything but wondered why he hadn’t introduced me to him long ago, even if it had been just as a roommate. He and Ethan had gone to high school together and decided to give higher education “the good old college try,” Zane said. Zane had chin-length black hair and striking blue eyes, made all the more astonishing because of his dark pupils. His skin was an olive color and his dark eyebrows made his eyes somehow look more seductive. He was tall and muscular but not bulky. Damn, he was a gorgeous specimen of college man, but I was so hung up on Ethan, I hardly noticed.
Unlike Ethan, though, Zane was quite talkative. We were all hanging in the Student Center one afternoon, the second time I had a chance to chat with Ethan’s roommate, and he was talking about the band. He liked to talk about the formation of their band, how—even though they’d known each other their entire lives—they’d become friends because of the desire to make music. He talked about their town, high school, and their other two bandmates. According to Zane, the other two still lived in their hometown and worked, waiting for whatever opportunities they had to get together and play. Zane was…well, he was a truly beautiful guy. The dark shoulder-length hair, baby blue eyes. He and Ethan were about the same height and build. Zane, though, was more carefree, a bit of a jokester, whereas Ethan hugged the dark side. Just based on his words, I could tell that Zane was a loyal and sweet young man. And, yeah…he was easy on the eyes. Zane and I got along well, and I could tell from the short time we’d known each other that we could become good friends.
And just a few days later, Ethan invited me to take a trip home with him the following weekend. Then, he said, I’d be able to meet the other half of Bullet.
Well, Bullet wasn’t going to last much longer. The name, at any rate. I found that out soon enough. I should have been responsible and stayed in my dorm room, because it was the weekend before final exams. I should have spent that time studying. But this was Ethan asking, and I agreed without hesitation. I did decide, though, to take my notes and textbooks so I could study when I had a few spare moments.
Friday afternoon, Ethan drove Zane and me through a blustery snowstorm to their hometown. I hoped my luggage stored in the back of his truck would survive the wind, snow, and ice. We stopped at a convenience store where Ethan gassed up, and I got a coffee while the guys got sodas. I wanted something hot because I was chilled to my bone. Once we got back in the truck and on the road, I was tense because of the accumulating snow. But it didn’t take me long to realize Ethan was just fine. The snow on the roads didn’t bother him at all. After a few minutes, he started talking. He had a smirk on his face when he said, “So, Zane, Val completely fucking ruined our band.”
Zane’s brows furrowed but then he smiled. “She did, did she? And exactly what are we gonna have to do about that?”
Ethan kept his eyes on the road, but he raised his right eyebrow and glanced over quickly. “Someday I think we might have to thank her. For now, though, I’m gonna choose to be pissed at her for a while.”
“Why? What’d I do?”
“Oh, yeah, acting like little Miss Innocent. Fess up, Val. Tell Zane what you did.”
I was aghast. I really had no idea what he was talking about, and I was at a loss for words. I just shrugged my shoulders and looked over at Zane. My head felt like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between the two guys. Zane was ge
nuinely enjoying the repartee, but I was starting to feel frustrated.
Ethan let out a long sigh. “Turns out that Bullet has been taken as a band name…over and over and fucking over. Apparently, we weren’t the only guys to think that was just the sickest name ever.”
“Well, shit, that sucks.”
“Yeah, and even though I was pissed to find that out, I am glad to find out before we got a big following or tried to get signed to a label.” I saw the look on his face change. Now he looked satisfied, and when he talked, I knew why. “But what do you think about this?” He took a second to glance over at us again when he said, “Fully Automatic?”
Zane’s brows bore down on his eyes as he tried the name out on his tongue. “Fully Automatic…”
I was holding my breath without even realizing I had been. I thought the name was fantastic, but I didn’t want to jump in yet. Zane said it again. “Hmm…Fully Automatic…” He nodded his head. “Yeah. I think that’s pretty cool.”
“Good. Problem solved. And I checked. There aren’t any bands that go by that name.”
“Ours now.”
I smiled. “I think it’s great too. It’s still evocative of a gun.”
“That it is. So…thanks…I think.” Ethan looked over at Zane. “I’m gonna need your help convincing Brad and Nick.”
“I don’t think it’ll be that hard, do you?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. When we first came up with our lists of names, Brad pushed for Bullet. He loved that name.”
“Yeah, but he’ll feel like I did. It kinda sucks if it belongs to other people.”
Ethan nodded and bumped me with his elbow. “Maybe we’ll make Val tell him.”
I started giggling and waving my hands in front of myself as though to ward off trouble. Zane said, “I think she could definitely soften the blow.”
“Then it’s decided,” Ethan said.
“I didn’t agree to any such thing.”
Ethan looked over at Zane, an earnest look of confusion on his face, but he was teasing me. “Zane, did you hear something?”
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