My mother reminded me that she still wanted to meet Ethan until I confessed to her that we were no longer friends. When she asked what had happened, I kept it short and sweet and just told her we didn’t get along anymore.
I wasn’t able to get a job those first few weeks, and I think it was because the tourist places, restaurants and little shops already had hired high school kids as their summer help. But I did manage to land a babysitting job. School for the kids in my hometown of Winchester got out the last week in May, and some folks I’d known for years needed someone to watch their children during the summer while they both worked. They would need me until the first week in August when they’d take their family vacation, and then their two daughters would spend the rest of break with their grandparents. But it would be two entire months of steady work, almost forty hours a week while both parents worked. I wouldn’t make as much as I would have working at a fast food restaurant, but I knew with kids, I could vary what we did. One day we could watch movies and then walk to the park; the next we could write stories and draw pictures. We could walk to the library and then all read books. I thought I could handle it. Plus the best part? I had nights off after five.
I was pleasantly surprised when my old high school friend Jill called me at my parents’ house. We caught up a little bit, but there was still that distance I’d felt the last time. She and her new husband Chad were still living in Winchester, and they were both working. I wanted to actually hang out a little with Jill, but I wanted it to be comfortable, not awkwardly sitting around a table at Chili’s, trying to come up with things to make conversation about. So I asked if she and Chad would want to come with me to the Fully Automatic concert that Friday in Colorado Springs. I wouldn’t get paid for another week, so I asked my mom if she could spot me enough for tickets and a little extra for a drink or something, promising to pay her back when I got my first check. I’d just have to skip the second concert on Saturday, but it would be worth it to reconnect with my old friend. They agreed and offered to drive since I was buying the tickets.
When they picked me up, I expected to see Jill looking haggard and tired, but she looked like the same old Jill—happy, smiling, and beautiful—and she and Chad looked great together. He had short blonde hair to match her light long hair, and both looked fit. I sat in the back seat but positioned myself in the middle so I could lean over and engage in conversation. When I commented how good they both looked, Chad told me they had started running every day—half a mile at first, but now they were running over two miles a day. They looked fantastic. So I had to ask. “How’s it going with your parents, Jill?”
“Not good, but at least we’re on speaking terms again.” I could tell it was a touchy subject, so I decided not to pursue it. “How was school?”
“Oh…fine.” I decided myself not to say a word about Ethan, but, I supposed, I should confess that I actually knew one of the bands we were going to see. “Speaking of, one of the bands—Fully Automatic—has two guys I went to school with, and I wrote the lyrics to some of their songs.”
Jill turned around in her seat. “Are you kidding? That’s so cool, Val. Why didn’t you say that before?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I was planning to go see them no matter what, so I didn’t think much about it until you asked about school.”
The rest of the way, we talked about classes, Jill about her experiences at the community college in town and me about mine away from home. We’d both done a lot of growing up, just in different ways, and I realized that, while she and I might never have an intense, super-close friendship like we’d had in high school, we could still be good friends now.
We got to the venue, an out-of-the-way place called Sunshine Studios, but when I started to buy the tickets, Chad said, “No, no, Valerie. I’ve got ours.”
“But you drove.”
“No problem. I know Jill’s just been wanting to spend time with you.” He kissed his wife on the cheek. “Can’t tell my girl no.”
The place was loud, blaring metal to get us revved up for the concert. We found a good spot near the front. There were a couple of tables and sofas, but we wanted to be up close. The first band was setting up, and I smiled, realizing it was Fully Automatic. “That’s them,” I said to Jill, raising my voice so she could hear me over the music pumping through the large room.
“So how’d you meet these guys anyway?”
I decided to just tell her the whole story, so I told her how I’d decided to sit behind hot guy Ethan during class. She said, “What? Sweet, shy Valerie?”
I nodded and giggled. I didn’t want to drag out the story, but I wanted her to know a little about how it ended up. “It was totally weird. He treated me like shit most of the time. Doesn’t matter how cute he is. And, even weirder, I went out on a date with Zane, the bassist, and Brad—the other guitarist/ vocalist—and I have something strange going on.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I wish I could explain it.”
She spotted Ethan, pointed, and said, “That him?” It was Ethan, all right. His hair was just a little longer, and his eyes were lined with black kohl, but there was no mistaking him.
I nodded. “How’d you know?”
“He’s your type.”
I had a type? That was news to me. So then I pointed out the other guys…Brad, Zane, and Nick. Then she said, “They’re all hot, really.” I raised my eyebrows and giggled again. “Hey, I love Chad, but I can look, can’t I?” I smiled.
The guys were testing their instruments and the sound level of the mikes. In the midst of it all, Ethan spotted me. He came closer to the edge of the stage, I think to be sure it was me. Then he pointed at me and threw a thumb to the left side of the stage that was blocked by a wall flanked with the bands’ merch tables. Jill elbowed me. “I think he wants to see you.”
I sucked in a deep breath. Well, if she thought so, then I wasn’t losing my mind. I nodded. Time to bite the bullet. I grinned as I realized that stupid cliché was floating through my mind of the band that once wanted to be called Bullet. “Be right back.”
I walked toward the wall on the side of the building where the restrooms were located and where, I thought, I could get backstage. Ethan was right there at the opening. He pulled me into a warm embrace. “Val, God…I missed you.”
I was blinking, unbelieving, but I hugged him back. He was warm and firm and smelled good, and for a moment I forgot that I was trying to hold a grudge against him. I couldn’t help myself, because all those thoughts just melted away.
But that wasn’t the only trick up the boy’s sleeve. When we pulled back out of the hug, he buried me in a kiss. I was shocked at first, but my body knew what to do. Damn my brain for being too slow, because it would have ordered me to shove him away and tell him to fuck off. But, no…one of my hands gripped his shoulders as though I were a rock climber who’d lost her footing, and the other hand wrapped around his neck. My lips parted and sucked him in.
And wow. What a kiss it was. Full of passion and promise. It was as though we were still dating. He loosened his grip and said, “Great to see you here. I didn’t know you’d be at the show.”
Well, apparently he wasn’t involved in marketing. That was probably all Brad. “I responded to the invite on Facebook.”
He looked sheepish and then nodded. “I wasn’t paying attention, I guess.”
Probably too busy getting blowjobs from cute blondes. Oh, now my brain decided to kick into high gear, but it was still a wuss. Yeah, heaven forbid I actually say what I was thinking out loud. Wouldn’t want to hurt Ethan… I just shrugged and smiled.
He kissed me again and said, “Glad you’re here.” He frowned then. “But I need to get back.” As he looked at me just before he left, I noticed that his eyes were dilated. Yeah, it was dark in there, but still…it made me wonder if he was on something…and if that something had influenced this sudden warmth.
I staggered back to my place next to Jill and Chad, a
nd that’s when I saw how packed the place had become. There was a huge crowd. Jill was smiling. “So what did he want?”
I shook my head. “To confuse the hell out of me.”
Chapter Fifteen
FULLY AUTOMATIC PLAYED their first four songs and impressed the hell out of me. I imagined that they’d been practicing pretty much nonstop since Ethan and Zane had returned home, because their sound was polished. They sounded great all around, and their energy was unbelievable. Ethan and Brad both took turns singing songs, and for one of them, Brad even put his guitar down to croon to the crowd. I could tell he’d been working hard on vocals. They’d all been working hard.
But after the band had checked their instruments, they had a good ten minutes before the show started, and Brad had found me in the crowd. He came out and gave me a hug. “How are you, sweetheart?”
I don’t know why, but I really liked his greeting. It was affectionate but not overly intimate. “Great. So good to see you.”
“How’s your break so far?”
“Okay.” I smiled. “Better now.” He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, Brad, this is my old friend from high school Jill and her husband Chad.” He nodded to them and when Chad put out his hand, he shook it. “This is my very good friend, Brad Payne.”
“Very good friend? I feel privileged.” He kept his other arm around my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but notice it was still there…that animal attraction that dominated us both so powerfully. Just having him stand beside me, touching me, made every hair stand on end, and I imagined being in his embrace. “Nice to meet you folks.” He looked at me. “I gotta get backstage. See you later?”
I nodded. “You bet.” Sad…I was happier to talk to Brad than to have Ethan lay one on me.
So as he’d walked off, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his backside, Jill leaned over and said in my ear, “What’s up with you and this guy? Didn’t you say there was something strange going on between the two of you?”
I looked over at her. I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it. “I’ve kissed him. It’s…like he’s a sexual magnet that I’m drawn to.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Valerie! You?” Then she put her hands around my ear. “I’d tap that.”
I’d started giggling. But now we were watching the band begin their fifth song of the evening. They were solid, a far cry from when I’d heard them in Brad’s garage months earlier. They sounded just as good as many of the professional bands I’d purchased the music of. What I noticed most, though, was the new songs of Brad’s that I’d heard so far. It seemed as though he’d been working on making his lyrics less generic. That was real growth. He was pulling emotions and ideas from his heart and painting pictures with words instead of spewing out knee-jerk clichés that he’d heard over and over in other songs and on TV.
Ethan…well, there was nothing new from him. The new songs we’d collaborated on during the spring, sure, but nothing since. Not yet, anyway. Maybe later in the set, but I figured I wouldn’t hear anything, since they seemed to be packing in a lot of their new songs first.
More than halfway through their part of the show, they started playing a tune I thought I knew, but I couldn’t quite place it. Brad grabbed the mike and started to talk. “Colorado Springs, you’ve been great so far. Thanks for welcoming us here.” He stepped closer to the edge of the stage. “I want to do something a little different right now. A friend of mine is here in the audience. She’s written a lot of the words you’ve heard tonight. Anyway, this is a song we wrote together, and I’d really like to have her sing it with me.” What?! He pointed a finger at me and then crooked it toward himself, urging me to join him.
I felt a cold sweat break out all over my body. Yes, I’d heard his acoustic version over and over enough that I felt I could sing the right tune and I knew the words, but this…this wasn’t like when he had me sing in his garage (that was embarrassing enough). This was a real crowd of people. I looked up at him, shaking my head feverishly. “No!” I was frantic and considered walking the other way, out of the building.
But I’d underestimated the Brad’s pull on me. Part of me really did want to join him up there. He smiled at the crowd. “She’s a bit shy, folks. Why don’t we encourage her to come on up here?” The noise of the audience swelled with cheering, yelling, and whistling, and even Jill pushed me gently on the shoulder. He looked down at me again. “See, Val? Everyone wants to hear you. You can’t let them down now.”
Well, at this point, I’d look like a jerk or a bad sport if I didn’t at least try. So I took a deep breath and tried to look pissed. The stage was high, but Chad laced his hands together to make a step for me, and Brad reached down and helped me up. He picked up the mike again and said, “Please give Valerie a big hand.”
He had the biggest, most devilish grin on his face and gave me another hug. I said in his ear, “You could have at least warned me. I’m gonna kill you.”
“Gotta catch me first.”
I could tell by the look on Ethan’s face that he hadn’t known about this either. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or amused, but it didn’t matter. I was doing this, like it or not. Brad said into the microphone, “Let’s turn this shit up.” He slid the mike into the stand and then said to me, “I’ll sing the first verse, you do the second, and maybe we could harmonize on the bridge?”
The adrenaline rushing through my body was making my hands shake and my feet already felt numb. But on top of that, I felt woefully unprepared. “What about the choruses?”
“Same deal. That okay?”
My eyes were wide. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”
He grinned and suddenly I felt transported. I could feel the music when I was onstage, in my heart, my muscles, my veins. And I couldn’t actually see faces in the crowd, so that took a little of the edge off. I discovered the acoustic version Brad had emailed me was nothing like the electric one. It was low, in a minor key, and heavy. I didn’t know how well it would match the words.
I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look. The words were too personal, too close, way too fucking intimate, and here he was gonna let the whole world know how I felt. He cozied up to the mike while striking the chords on his guitar. I glanced over and felt tremendous relief that he wasn’t looking at me, was instead focusing on the audience.
“What is it about you
That makes me weak in the knees?
You’re the only one on this earth
Never needs to say please.
But you know my weakness,
Know where I hide my soul.
Yet you kept me safe
And you made me whole.
You made me whole.”
He looked at me as he said the last line, just a sly glance to the side, and it nearly wrecked me. And then he started the chorus.
“But you’re the rainbow I can’t touch,
The forbidden fruit I want so much.
Just one taste, one night together
Would help me endure the rest of forever.”
The emotion in Brad’s voice as he sang the chorus nearly crushed me. He did know, must have known I’d written it about him. How could he not know? I had hoped he would just like the song and gloss over it like some of the most complicated poems I’d read in my poetry class. Brad might have been a lot of things, but he was no idiot, and he’d figured it out.
So now I had to contend with emotion too, and how the hell would I be able to sing that way? I tried to think of the most peaceful place I could think of. It was a place where my parents used to take us camping as kids, high in the Rockies, next to the clearest creek I’d ever seen, a place full of warm fun days and cold nights, even in July, a place where the air was crisp and clean, and I could see the Milky Way at night. I thought of myself there and tried my damnedest not to think about what had been on my mind the night I’d written the words that started pouring out of my mouth. I held the mike in the stand on both sides as though I’d fall over if it didn’t hold me up.
; “You said that you’d wait for me
But you didn’t know what that entailed.
You didn’t know my heart was diseased.
In all things love I have failed.
But you seem to see right through me.
You know my heart’s desires.
I don’t think I ever fooled you
When you set my soul on fire.
You set my soul on fire.”
And I started singing the chorus, but I still wasn’t going to look at Brad or Ethan or anybody. I was looking into the void, the black across the way, and I felt safe there. But I saw Brad out of the corner of my eye, and he got close to me. He started harmonizing on the chorus with me, even though he’d told me he was going to do that at the end. But I could read his intent. He wanted me to keep singing, to run with the bridge, and he’d back me up with harmony. So I did. And, for never having practiced together, we sounded pretty good. Our voices meshed together really well.
“You will be my heaven and hell,
My promise so far away.
Can I wait until that day?”
And then Brad moved out from behind the mike to play a solo I hadn’t heard in the acoustic version. It was wrought with raw emotion, and in that moment, I defied anyone who’d dismissed the electric guitar as simply a loud but inferior instrument to tell me otherwise. I could sense what he was feeling, and it was intense. I looked up from his guitar in the crowd and smiled at the cell phones swaying back and forth. Holy shit! That praise was for my words! Well, not just that. It was for Brad’s incredible music writing too. The song was nearly perfect by my estimation. And I was so immersed in the music, I almost forgot to start singing again. But Brad didn’t let me forget.
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