by Laura Day
There was something about the neighborhood that depressed Jax. He had tried to find a better place for Jodie, but she had insisted that she wanted to stay here. He tried giving her money monthly, but she almost always turned him down. He walked down to the end of the street and turned the corner. There was another strip of houses, and Jodie lived in the third one down.
Jax didn’t think it was accurate to refer to it as a house at all. It was more like a toolshed that had been fitted like a house. Still, there was a working toilet, a decent kitchen, and a comfortable bed to sleep on. Jodie even had a pull-out couch—just in case Jax decided to spend the rare night with her. He walked up to the faded blue door and knocked hard, making sure he didn’t crush the flowers he was carrying.
He heard her footsteps a moment later, and almost instantly, the door opened and Jodie was smiling at him with that wide-eyed grin that always floored him. Her hair was brown, slightly curly, and shorter since the last time he visited. There was a small white scar on her forehead, just over her right brow, but it had none of the brutal dominance that Maple’s did. Her eyes were almost exactly the same hue of blue that Jax’s was, but the left one had maintained a slight but permanent droop ever since Conor’s beating. Other than that, she looked healthy and reasonably happy.
“Hi, big brother,” she said. “I’ve missed you.” She leaned in and gave him a firm hug before she accepted the flowers. She sniffed the top of the bouquet and then waved him inside.
Jax noticed that she had moved around the furniture. The couch now faced the kitchen, and the little table where she had her meals was the central focus of the room. He sat down, searching for signs that Jodie might want for something. He knew she hated taking his money, so he usually liked to hide some cash in a place she would find later. It had almost become a game with them.
After Jodie had put the flowers in some water, she came to sit beside Jax, angling her body so that she was facing him with her legs on the sofa. “You look good,” Jodie said, as she settled herself in.
“Thanks,” Jax nodded absentmindedly. “How have you been?”
“Same old Jax,” Jodie said, shaking her head at him. “I want to know about your life, but you never want to talk about it.”
Usually Jax would insist that there was nothing happening in his life, but he stopped short of saying the words. He knew he had to tell her about his upcoming fight with Conor, or really just the fact that he had made contact with Conor after being released from prison. He had no idea how she would react, his sister’s emotions veered wildly during and following her recovery. Where most people had to pick up the pieces of their lives, Jodie had been forced to swap out her old life for a new one. It had taken more out of her than Jax had anticipated.
“How about we start with your life and then get around to mine?” Jax suggested.
Jodie sighed. “I wish I had something to tell you, Jax,” she said, the brightness in her voice dulled considerably. Jax realized that she was simply putting on a brave face for his sake. “I wish I had news to share, but the truth is...my life is...I don’t know...it just is. I wake up every morning, go to work, come home, have something to eat, and then get in bed. Then the process repeats itself the next day.”
“What about friends?” Jax asked.
Jodie shrugged. “My friends disappeared with my old life,” she said.
“You could make new ones?” Jax suggested gently.
Jodie looked off in the direction of the flowers that Jax had brought for her. He could see the mask she had had in place when he first arrived fade away. Now he could see what she really felt. He saw the lonely isolation of a woman who had lost everything that was important to her.
“Have you tried to make new friends?” Jax asked, trying to shake her from her reverie.
Jodie sighed. “I could make new friends... but... would it even be real?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t even tell them my real name, Jax,” Jodie said in frustration. “My name is Jodie Steiner, or at least it was. Now I’m Monica Avery, and to be completely honest...I don’t know who that person is.”
“The same person you’ve always been, Jodie,” Jax told her gently. “You changed your name for a reason.”
“Which is the same reason I gave up all my friends,” Jodie said. “Because somehow...they were all connected to Conor. And I couldn’t take anything from my old life into my new one because then he would have a way to follow me. But it doesn’t seem to matter how careful I am...because at the end of the day...he’s still there, in the back of my mind, in my nightmares, in every decision I make. He’s the shadow lurking over my shoulder.”
Jax felt his blood starting to boil as soon as the topic turned to Conor. He remembered their meeting that morning, and he felt a sense of validation engulf him. He had questioned his decision to accept Conor’s challenge without any hope that he would actually turn it down, but the question still remained. Jax knew now that he had to see it through. He looked at Jodie, at the beautiful, vibrant, optimistic woman she had once been and the woman Conor had turned her into.
Now that the mask and fallen away, he could see the lines that had erupted on her face. It seemed like that had happened over night. He saw the loneliness there; he saw the self-imposed isolation she had forced herself into and the fear that followed her in every decision she made. Conor hadn’t just robbed her of those few years they were together, he had also reached out and taken her future. He had stolen her peace of mind and any chance she had of living a normal, carefree life.
“He’s not going to hurt you again, Jodie,” Jax said firmly. “I’m going to make sure of that.”
Jodie smiled at him sadly. “How?”
Jax hesitated for a moment. “I didn’t know if I should tell you this...”
Jodie’s eyes widened in alarm, “Oh God, what is it?”
“I met Conor recently,” Jax said. He said it fast, as if he was ripping off a Band-Aid.
Jodie just stared at him for a second. “When you say you... met Conor recently...?”
“I ran into him at The Red Pecker,” Jax said.
“I thought only MMA guys go there?”
“They do,” Jax nodded. “And apparently Conor’s one of them now.”
“He’s in the MMA?” Jodie asked in shock.
“Illegal,” Jax clarified. “But still.”
“Did he see you?”
Jax hesitated a moment. “We had a street fight.”
“Oh my God.”
“I won,” Jax said quickly, trying to make his tone light.
“Did you get hurt?”
“Nothing I can’t handle,” Jax said immediately.
“And then what?”
“I won, we left,” Jax said quickly. “But...”
“But?” Jodie asked with raised eyebrows.
“He came to the gym this morning while I was training.”
Jodie looked at him with an expression that said she had guessed as much. “Let me guess. He wants a rematch.”
“Conor never could admit defeat easily,” Jax said, as he nodded.
“And you accepted?” Jodie asked cautiously.
“I had to, Jodie,” Jax said, willing her to understand where he was coming from. “He needs to be put in his place, and I’m the only one who can do the job.”
“Yes, but he has something to prove.”
“So do I,” Jax said aggressively. “That bastard ruined your life. Look at this,” he said gesturing to the room they were sitting in. “You live alone, secluded from everyone. You’ve had to change apartments and friends. You’ve even changed your name. And what has he lost? Nothing at all.”
Jodie was looking at him with chaos raging around in her blue eyes. Jax wondered if it was his imagination or not, but the droop in her left eye was suddenly more prominent and somehow he felt his decision was justified.
“He did ruin my life,” Jodie said, as she nodded. “Even if I meet someone, make new friends
, and start believing I’m Monica Avery instead of Jodie Steiner...I’ll always be scared, I’ll always be nervous.”
“Exactly.” Jax nodded.
“Jax,” Jodie said in a low voice. “You tried to teach him a lesson before, remember? All it accomplished was sending you behind bars. I can’t watch you go to prison again.”
“I won’t,” Jax shook his head. “This is a fight. I can send him to hospital and he still won’t be able to send me to jail.”
“That doesn’t mean anything goes,” Jodie reminded him. “There are rules in the MMA.”
“Rules can be bent.”
“Do you mean bent or broken?” Jodie demanded. “And are you really the kind of fighter who’s going to compromise his reputation for some pointless fight.”
“It’s not pointless to me.”
Jodie nodded slowly. “It isn’t to me either,” she said. “But I...”
“Don’t worry, Jodie.” Jax tried to assure her. “I’m not going to lose.”
Jodie sighed. “It’s weird because...there’s a part of me that really doesn’t want you to do this. But then...there’s another part, a smaller one that...wants to see Conor on his knees...humiliated and alone.”
“I can make that happen.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt in the process.”
“You underestimate me,” Jax said with his easy confidence.
“This is different, Jax,” Jodie said. “You have history with Conor, bad history. It’s not the same as another match.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jax said with conviction. “I’m still going to win.”
They sat in silence for a long time, both consumed with thoughts of Conor and the fight. When Jax glanced in Jodie’s direction, he noticed how she raised her hand up unconsciously, touching the eye with the droop.
“Do you think there will ever be a day when we can just put all this behind us?” Jodie asked abruptly.
“The business with Conor you mean?”
“Actually I was speaking more generally...about everything,” Jodie said. “Our entire horrible past. Do you think there will ever be a time when it’s not looming over us, reminding us that... we’re still those lost little orphans jumping from one foster home to the next?”
“You hated jumping around so much didn’t you?” Jax asked.
“You liked it?” Jodie asked incredulously.
Jax smiled. “No, I didn’t,” he clarified. “But I don’t think it affected me as badly as it affected you. You were always so...upset when you were assigned a new foster home.”
“That’s because it just felt like I was someone’s charity case and I hated knowing that it wouldn’t last long. No matter where I ended up, I knew I would never be enough for any family.”
“Jodie—”
“Don’t tell me that it isn’t true,” Jodie interrupted before Jax could say anything further. “Because even if it’s not... that is just how I feel.”
Jax fell silent, his mind travelling back to his early adolescence when the roof over his head changed every couple of months and stability was a dream that was far out of his reach. The constant moving just served as a reminder that his life would never be the same again and that happiness was something they talked about in movies.
“I think you’re wrong though,” Jodie said suddenly.
“About what?”
“About the jumping from one foster home to the next not affecting you,” Jodie said. “I think it did; you’re just not aware of it.”
“Really?” Jax asked raising an eyebrow. “Enlighten me.”
“Well...think about it, Jax,” Jodie said gently. “You never actually form real attachments with people. The longest relationship you’ve had since leaving prison is with Evan.”
“Your point?”
“My point is that you don’t like getting too attached to people because you’re scared you’ll lose them,” Jodie pointed out. “You’re afraid to get left behind...again.”
Jax considered Jodie’s words. “That’s not the worst theory in the world.”
“It’s not exactly a theory,” Jodie said. “It’s more of an...observation. I think, to an extent, I’m the same way. And I was thinking the other day that you and I shouldn’t let our sordid pasts get in the way of our futures. If we let that happen...that’s when we really lose.”
“When did you get to be so smart?” Jax asked.
Jodie shrugged with a smile. “You know one of the things I regret the most?”
“What?”
“Not going to college,” Jodie answered. “Even if it were some shitty community college...I still wish I had gone.”
“It’s not too late,” Jax pointed out.
He saw the light shimmer on in Jodie’s eyes, and then it dimmed after a moment. “We’ll see,” she said softly, as though she didn’t really believe her own dreams. “When is the fight?” Jodie asked, pulling herself from her own thoughts.
“Next week,” Jax replied.
Jodie nodded slowly.
“You think I shouldn’t go through with it?” Jax asked.
“I’m honestly the wrong person to ask Jax,” Jodie replied. “I’m...too confused about everything...and like I said...I’m in two minds. A part of me wants to see Conor on his knees, but there’s this other part of me that wants to see you far away from him.”
“We both need closure, Jodie,” Jax pointed out. “Did you ever think of that?”
“But is this the right way to get it?” Jodie asked uncertainly.
Jax didn’t have an answer for her.
Chapter 5
Maple
They sat in a tight circle. There were eleven of them that night, including Diana, their facilitator. She was dressed in a long maxi dress, her red hair hung loose around her shoulders, and she was looking at Mary with vested interest.
“Mary,” Diana said gently, “would you like to share something with the group?”
Mary was a quiet woman in her early thirties. She had a full body that looked larger because of the baggy clothes she liked to wear. There was nothing about her that suggested she had an addiction problem, but as Maple looked around, she realized that was true of most of the people seated around the circle.
They were ordinary people who had lost themselves somewhere down the road, and whether it was from lack of support or lack of judgement, they had chosen drugs as a form of coping. Mary had a nervous habit of wringing her fingers together, especially when she spoke. When Diana addressed her, she glanced up for a moment before looking back at her fingers.
“I... had an incident recently.”
Diana nodded, but she waited patiently for Mary to continue when she was ready.
“I was feeling...a little low last week...”
“Can you tell us what happened?”
“I...lost my job,” Mary revealed. “And I spent two days holed up in my apartment trying to figure out my life. And I suppose I realized...I would never reach a point when it was...figured out.”
“That’s true of everyone, Mary,” Diana said gently.
Mary nodded. “After the third day, I was forced to leave my apartment to get groceries, and while I was out...I came across a bunch of kids. They were smoking pot and....I almost considered walking up to them and offering them my watch for a smoke. It was strange though. It was as though the last seven months of being clean just faded away. I couldn’t remember the meetings or the work it took to get clean in the first place. I saw them and thought about it, as though it were second nature.
“And I guess...that’s when I realized that I could never stop thinking. I could never forget, not even for one second. It would never get to a point where the struggle to stay away from drugs would get easy. It was always going to be second nature to me. And I knew that meant fighting so much harder to stay away from everything that could pull me back into that life. Because...those moments sneak up on you...and you’ve already had the thought before you can stop it.”
“But you walked away,” Diana said after a moment’s silence.
“Yes,” Mary nodded. “But it was difficult. A part of me had already decided to walk up to those kids.”
“But the point is that you turned away all the same,” Diana reminded her. “We all have thoughts, we all want things, but as long as we don’t act on them, that is the important part.”
Maple’s thoughts fell to Jax. He had brightened up her life, and she was keenly aware of it, but there was something about it that scared her, too. She was nervous that she was making another mistake. She was scared to become too emotionally attached, but most importantly, she saw a lot of herself in Jax. There was a part of her that wanted to save him, but there was another part of her that knew she needed to focus on saving herself first.
“Let us join hands now,” Diana’s voice broke through Maple’s thoughts. “And start the serenity prayer.”
Maple rose and reached out to either side of her and linked hands with the women sitting next to her. Slowly, the chant began, and Maple closed her eyes and really listened to the words she was saying. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
As the prayer ended, Maple dropped her hands and took a deep breath. Almost unconsciously, she started the prayer again in her head. With the small crowd moved automatically to the snack table at the back, Maple headed over towards Diana.
“Hello, Maple,” Diana said with a warm smile. “You were very quiet today.”
“I was just reflecting,” Maple said. “This was a good meeting.”
“I’m glad.” Diana nodded. “Is there anything you would like to talk about?”
Maple considered it for a moment, but she changed her mind at the last second. “Not today,” she answered.
Diana nodded in understanding. “You have my number,” she said.
“Thank you,” Maple said as she walked away.
The snack table was set up with some plastic cups filled with cranberry juice, a plate of crackers, and a plate of thin sandwiches. With a wave of farewell to the others, Maple left her support group and walked out of the building in search of a restaurant where she could get something hearty and appetizing to eat.