by Matt Stanton
“You read my dad’s book, didn’t you?” I say.
“What was it your mom said?” Hugo’s hand is still raised. He’s going to be waiting awhile. “It’s time to get up and knock down a horse.”
Nope. Pretty sure that wasn’t it.
“Thanks, Hugo.”
Rupert grabs me by the arm and yanks me over to the curtains. Countdown has started.
Then they call my name.
My life is over.
I walk slowly out into the middle of the stage.
The town hall is absolutely full of people and there’s a huge round of applause as I move toward the spotlight and the microphone. I’ve never seen so many people in one place! I look down at my hands. They’re shaking.
The room goes silent.
Without Tumbles, I actually have no idea what I’m going to say.
I cough a little to clear my throat. The microphone makes it so loud it sounds like there’s a T. rex in the hall. Whoa.
It’s dark out there, but I can just make out Mom, Dad, and Rosie. Right now I would much rather be sitting down there with them than standing up here.
But here I am. On my own. And everyone is waiting for me to say . . . something.
This is getting awkward.
Good start, Max. Good start.
“Has anyone seen my clown?”
I hear some awkward chuckling.
“Seriously. I have a clown who often pops up and boos me at inappropriate times. If you see him, can you do me a favor and hit him with a giant inflatable hammer?”
Some more chuckling. What did Grandpa say? Play a character. Characters in stories sometimes work better than jokes.
Which is good, because I, ah, didn’t bring any jokes.
I continue. “He was supposed to be here today, but he called in sick. Apparently laughter isn’t the best medicine after all.”
That gets a laugh.
“Feel better?” I ask the audience. “Didn’t think so.”
Okay. That worked too. I keep going.
I look down at Mom and Dad. They’re laughing because they remember it. It feels good to be able to make them laugh.
“Think about it,” I say. “The ice-cream trucks have to park somewhere! Maybe it’s the same place they keep the cotton-candy machines and the hot-dog stands. When I grow up, that’s where I want to work. I want to be the parking attendant at the Sugar Truck Parking Lot.” More laughter. “It’s important to have dreams.”
People are actually really laughing, in that surprised, I-didn’t-think-this-kid-would-be-funny kind of way. This is awesome! All I’m doing is telling stories, just like Grandpa was doing, but I’m throwing the balls to myself, catching them, and throwing them back up into the air again. It’s a bit like juggling, I guess.
“Maybe that’s where my grandpa ran away to! Has anyone checked Sugar Truck Parking Lot? I bet that’s where he is. Trying to cure his diabetes, one chocolate ice cream at a time.”
Everyone seems relaxed now. I can’t believe it. They’re laughing and I don’t even need to explain the jokes!
“It’s an apple a day that keeps the doctor away, Grandpa. Not a caramel apple a day.”
And that’s when I look up to the back row of the town hall and there, standing in the doorway, is Grandpa – laughing!
What’s he doing up there? Why is he not dressed as Tumbles? Why isn’t he onstage with me?
Grandpa winks at me. It’s almost as if he’s saying I’m doing well.
And that’s when I realize that he’s done me a favor. I’m okay standing up here. Sure, I needed a little help to get here, but maybe sometimes all we need to do is ask for help.
Okay. I get it. I wink back at Grandpa. All right, then. Let’s wrap this show up.
“You know what?” I say. “That must have been what happened to my clown. That’s why he had to call in sick. Caramel apples! In that case, if you do see him, don’t hit him with an inflatable hammer. Hit him with a banana or two instead, would you?”
The crowd stands and applauds!
I walk back off the stage. The curtains come down and the mayor tells everyone to talk among themselves while the judges decide who the winner is.
Hugo is jumping up and down and still trying to high-five me, but I peek through the curtains and watch as Grandpa slowly walks through the audience to where Mom, Dad, and Rosie are sitting.
They leap up and hug him. Then it looks like they get a bit angry with him and then hug him again. I think my mom is crying a bit. Rosie certainly is, but that might be because she just got her thumb stuck in her ear.
Grandpa points up to the stage and I can tell they’re talking about me. He’s smiling. It almost looks like he’s proud of me. They all seem to be.
Maybe I might spend a bit more time at Redhill Nursing Home from now on. Grandpa can teach me how to keep getting better at being funny. Maybe we can make some of the other old people laugh and play pranks on Dr. Donkey-Butt. I can show him my mouse prank!
“Hey, Max?”
Abby’s voice shatters my thoughts in the way that only she can. I turn around . . . and get a surprise. There’s a girl standing next to Abby who I’ve never seen before.
“Nice job on your act and stuff,” Abby says.
I don’t really hear her though. I can’t stop looking at the girl beside her. I don’t know why . . . I just can’t look . . . anywhere else. This is so weird.
The girl smiles at me.
“Hey! Max!” Hugo smacks me over the back of the head to get my attention.
Okay, easy, buddy.
“This is my friend Pip,” Abby says as I rub my head. “She’s starting at our school next week. She’ll be coming to camp with us.”
“We’re going to camp?” I ask.
Abby turns to her friend. “Pip, this is Max Walburt. Everyone calls him the funny kid, but once you get to know him, you’ll realize he’s just a very rare species of idiot.”
“Max, they’re about to announce the winner!” Hugo calls out.
I turn away from Abby and Pip to join Hugo by the curtains, just as the mayor of Redhill finishes his speech.
“And the winner of tonight’s Redhill’s Got Talent is none other than . . .”
I put my hand on Hugo’s shoulder.
Kids all over the world are emailing Matt their Funny Kid reviews!
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Thank you!
There are so many tremendous people who travel with me on my quest to make the funniest books for kids.
Beck, the person I spend every day with, is always first. This has been a huge year, stepping out boldly together to give this everything we have, and I wouldn’t want to be doing it with anyone but you. Bonnie, Boston, and Bump, you put the colours in my day. I love you like a crazy person.
I’ve realised even more this last year how rare the encouragement and support my parents, Sue and Peter, and my sister, Hannah, have given me. Thank you.
I’ve worked in publishing houses, so I know how much effort, how many hours, how much sweat and stress and tears happen at my publishing house while someone else (me) takes all the credit. The team at HarperCollins Australia & New Zealand is exceptional.
Thank you firstly to my publisher, Chren Byng, to whom this book is dedicated. You wear so many hats for Beck and me, and I can’t imagine this happening as it has without you. This book is for you.
To Kate Burnitt and Jeanmarie Morosin, who edited Funny Kid Stand Up – I rely on your eye for detail, so thank you for being so wonderful at what you do! To Michelle Weisz, Holly Frendo, Jacqui Barton, Kady Holt, Amy Fox, Darren Kelly, Gemene Heffernan-Smith, Bianca Carnevale, and Elizabeth O’Donnell – you all put in so much work getting Max’s face in front of as many kids as possible and I find it so humbling that you would spend this much time working on something that just came out of my head.
To Cristina Cappelluto and James Kellow – you two are incredibly smart, no matter what anyone says. (Joke
s!) Your wisdom carries incredible weight for Beck and me, and the HarperCollins Family really does feel like a family. We look forward to taking this all the way.
Thank you, David Linker, my publisher in the United States. You have really invested in Funny Kid and for that I am incredibly appreciative. Also to Meaghan Finnerty, Joe Merkel, Andrea Vandergrift, and in the United Kingdom, Rachel Denwood and Harriet Wilson, thank you!
Thank you, Kris Butson, for helping me see as many students as I’ve been able to this past year!
Lastly to you, the 30,000+ kids and your teachers whom I have had the joy of visiting so far. I made this book for you. I hope it makes you laugh. Keep reading!
Matt Stanton, 2017
About the Author
MATT STANTON is a bestselling children’s author and illustrator, with over a quarter of a million books sold. He is the cocreator of the megahits There Is a Monster Under My Bed Who Farts and This Is a Ball. His much anticipated middle-grade series, Funny Kid, launched around the world in 2017.
www.mattstanton.net
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Books by Matt Stanton
Funny Kid for President
With Tim Miller:
There Is a Monster Under My Bed Who Farts
The Pirate Who Had to Pee
Dinosaur Dump
Don’t Spew in Your Spacesuit
With Beck Stanton:
This Is a Ball
Did You Take the B from My _ook?
This Book is Red
With Mark Carthew:
The Moose Is Loose!
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Copyright
FUNNY KID #2: STAND UP. Copyright © Beck & Matt Stanton Pty Ltd 2017. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018933354
Digital Edition JUNE 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-257296-7
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-257294-3
Cover and internal design by Matt Stanton
Cover art © 2018 by Matt Stanton
1819202122CG/LSCH10987654321
Originally published in Australia by HarperCollins Children’s Books
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