“God, yes, I promise, Sarah, I promise…”
He kissed her then, pouring every ounce of longing into the embrace. She pulled him closer wanting to sink into him, never let him go. Finally, gasping for breath, they broke apart. For the longest moment they just stared at each other.
“Come home,” Isaac said softly. “Please. Let’s fix this together.”
She shook her head. “Not yet. A couple more days. I don’t want to crap all over Dan’s goodwill and you need to see your kid.”
“I…”
She nodded. “You do. Meet him, see if you want him in your life. If you do, I will be there one hundred percent. It’s not his fault. For me, please. I know what it is to have a parent reject you. And I need to close things out with Dan. I know we’re living here now but I’d rather have him on my side than not, I still have to go to the island and see Molly.”
She put her hand on his chest.
“I will come back to you, Isaac, I will. But please, just for a few days, leave me to sort everything out here, tie up the loose ends. Go see your kid. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t. Then come back and I’ll be waiting.”
“I have a gift for you.” Dan said later, before she could say anything. He had been hyperactive since she had gotten back to his house and it was with frustration that she now sat in his kitchen, waiting for him to give her an opening. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small black velvet box. He put it down on the table. “This is my…well, it’s the only thing I own which means anything to me. Open it.”
Sarah sat down at the table but didn’t touch the box. Dan laughed, frustration obvious on his face, and grabbed the box. He opened it and handed it to her. Inside, a pendant, a teardrop shaped ruby the size of a dime hung from a delicate gold chain. Sarah admired it despite herself.
“It’s beautiful, Dan. She peered at it closely. “Is it antique?”
He nodded. “It was my mother’s. The only thing I have of hers.”
“It’s lovely.”
Dan smiled and topped up her champagne. “I want you to have it.”
“Absolutely not.” She was horrified but Dan reached across the table.
“I don’t mean as a token of my affection, for want of a better word. I mean it as something to remember me by – something from my real mother. And there is no-one who deserves it more. I mean, I can hardly wear it, can I?”
Sarah took a deep breath in. “Dan, I appreciate that sentiment, I really do but I can’t accept.”
Dan’s eyes tightened but he inclined his head. “As you wish.” His tone was mocking but Sarah was relieved all the same. Dan nodded towards her champagne. “Drink up, and I’ll leave you alone.”
Isaac waited for Clare to open the door, shifting from foot to foot. She had been amazed when he’d called, asked to see the boy. Now he stood outside her hotel room door.
She opened the door carrying the child and for the first time, Isaac stared down at his son. The little boy gazed back and reached out with a chubby hand towards him. Isaac let him wrap his tiny fingers around his thumb. Clare beamed. “Hey, Billy boy,” she said softly, “this is your daddy. Say hello.”
The child’s face suddenly lit up and he grinned at Isaac, who felt a shift inside his soul at the boy’s innocent smiles.
This was his son. His boy. And finally, Isaac began to smile.
It was happening again. The fog in her mind descending, the exhaustion dragging her down. But this time, Sarah made the connection, the reason, the cause of the blackness. It was too coincidental. How the hell didn’t I realize this before? She looked over to the bottle, frowning, then back to the man across the table. She saw it in his eyes then, saw the anger at work in him. She tried to keep her body taut, upright but she could feel her head starting to whirl and spin. Dan sat in silence, watching her, sipping his drink, his jaw shifting as he ground his teeth. Sarah swallowed, cleared her throat, trying to push the fear aside.
“Dan, did you…”
“I know you were with him. Today. I saw you. I saw him. He was touching you.”
Sarah felt her face burn. She stood up, swayed, and gripped the kitchen counter. She felt Dan’s hands on her waist, guiding her back to her chair. He put his hands on the arms of the chair, leaned in so his face was close to hers.
“I don’t understand, Sarah. I don’t understand your obsession with that man. He’s hurt you so many times, yet you return to him again and again.” He glanced at the necklace on the table. “I wonder if Isaac had given you such a gift, would you refuse it? I don’t think you would.” His voice was low, tender but her chest twisted with terror. He was stroking her face, her neck. He moved his hands lower, his thumbs brushed her nipples through her dress.
She tried to stand, to escape the cage of his arms but he put his fingers against her stomach and pushed her back into the chair. All she could hear was her blood pounding in her ears, her breath shaking. Dan smiled, brushed his lips against hers, once, twice. “Don’t fight me, baby girl. Please. Don’t make me…” He trailed off and touched her face again. “So pretty.”
She didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to contemplate the consequences if her fears were realized. It was so horrific, the mere thought of it. She asked him the question anyway.
“Dan…did you put something in my drink?”
Dan said nothing, just smiled. “You’re tired. Let me take you to bed.” He pulled Sarah to her feet and walked her out to the hallway. At the foot of the stairs, he moved her so they were reflected in the huge antique mirror she’d left behind when she”d left. He stood behind her, forcing her to look at herself. His lips were at her ear.
“Look how beautiful you are.” A whisper. His arms snaked around her, his hands roamed over her abdomen, her breasts. Sarah couldn’t focus, her limbs held not an ounce of strength, propped against him, slack, fighting unconsciousness. Dan’s hands were at her neck then, just briefly and when he took them away, the pendant gleamed crimson against her throat.
“See? The color of blood. It was made for you, my darling.” His voice was a whisper but his eyes were alive with desire. Their eyes met in the mirror and his expression terrified her. He pulled her dress from her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. Sarah felt the cold of the evening on her skin, felt his fingers stroke her stomach, her belly, slipping into her panties, between her legs. He buried his face in her hair and moaned.
“Please…don’t…” Sarah felt a tear drop down her cheek when just as she gave into unconsciousness, she heard him speak.
“I had to have you, Sarah, do you understand? You had to be mine.”
Sarah sat a pool of water stained red by blood. Her voice, a disbelieving, breathless, raw howl carried away in the wind that whipped the ocean into a frenzy, the roiling, boiling water battering the rocks.
She flinched at a touch, looking around with wild, confused eyes, her face streaked with tears and blood. Isaac stood behind her. He was smiling but his eyes were flat black and in them, she could see desire and hatred in equal measure. “You can’t be saved, Sarah.” He tilted his head to the side, flicking his eyes to the sky then back to her.
“Can you hear it, Sarah?”
The wind. But it wasn’t wind, it was a voice, a woman’s voice rising and falling with the sound of the waves, discordant and horrifying.
I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.
“No…no…” Sarah screamed into the sound, trying to drown it out. Isaac laughed and looked beyond her, Sarah turning to see her mother, naked, the blood from her torn throat pouring down her body. She was walking towards her, smiling. Sarah couldn’t breathe. She felt a movement in her hands and looked down. Isaac was smiling at her but it wasn’t the smile she knew, that she loved. It was a twisted, contorted rictus.
“You’re going to die, baby girl.” His voice was like that of a whispering ancient.
She tried to move but found she was frozen. Her mother and Isaac grabbed her now, their touch burnin
g cold. They pushed her down, down. She tried to scream, her mother smiled. Sarah watched as she drew a knife, taking Sarah’s arm in her icy touch, drawing the blade across her wrists. Pain. Isaac’s hand were on her face, holding her eyes open, forcing her to watch as her mother carved deep crimson gashes into her daughter’s wrists. Sarah was pleading now. Her mother, still singing, surveyed her work then handed the knife, with a smile, to Isaac. He raised it, hand gripping the handle, his once handsome face now a mocking, quivering mask of madness. Sarah stared at him, trying to find the man she’d loved but found in his eyes only death.
“Please,” she whispered, “the baby.” She slid a bloody hand over her stomach. “It’s all I have now. Please.”
Isaac looked at Mother. For a beat all was silent except for the beating of her unborn child’s heart, then, as her mother started to sing again, Isaac drove the knife into her again and again and again…
Sarah woke, gasping for air, screaming for help. She stumbled out of bed, crawled to the bathroom, holding her ears, willing it to stop.
The singing. The tormenting song. Her mother’s voice.
Please please please….
Her stomach contracted and she collapsed in agony, gasping. The singing was no longer in the dream.
It was in the house.
All around the singing pleasepleasestopstopstopstopigotthejoyjoyjoyjoy….Sarah screamed, a visceral breathless keening howl. Dan was there in an instant, gathering her up in his arms.
“Hey hey hey hey….it’s okay, I’m here baby girl, I’m here…”
The singing got louder and Sarah couldn’t understand why Dan wasn’t shouting to be heard. She watched his mouth moving but she could not hear anything above the noise of Mother singing. She didn’t understand.
“Can’t you hear it? Can’t you hear it?” Her voice was a desperate shriek of panic. Dan frowned shaking his head.
“What?” she saw him mouth at her, “hear what?”
Then all at once it stopped. She could only hear his even breathing, her panicked gasps, and the relentless rain outside. His arms tightened around her.
“Can I hear what, baby girl? What?” Confusion. She was losing her mind. She started to cry, heartbroken sobs of pain, of despair. He began to rock her gently. She cried herself out, leaning into the protection of his arms, his lips against her temple.
Her tears shuddered to a stop. “I’m sorry…” she whispered. He brushed the dampness from her cheeks. She met his gaze, saw something in his eyes she couldn’t identify. He held her gaze as he lowered his head and covered her mouth with his. She closed her eyes as the kiss deepened. She felt him lift her into his arms, carry her into the bedroom.
She felt completely out of it. For a brief moment, it was Isaac touching her, the same big green eyes, and the crooked smile. His long fingers pulling gently at her underwear now, she sighed when she felt his mouth on her throat. She ran her fingers through his hair. But it didn’t feel right. It was course, rough. She opened her eyes and a wave of terror shot through her. The man above her smiled. Dan.
She panicked. “No. No. Stop, Dan, stop.”
She tried to push him off of her but he pinned her hands above her head.
“I know you want me, baby girl.”
He crushed his lips against hers, she tried to move her head away.
“It’s okay, Sarah, it’s okay. I’m here, I love you. This is meant to be.”
Stop this.
But she didn’t. She let him undress her slowly, eyes still shut, feeling his touch, the smooth pads of his fingers sliding softly across her skin of her throat. She felt his weight as he moved on top of her. His mouth was at her ear.
“You’re so beautiful…” He kissed the tender skin below her ear, his hands tracing the curve of her breasts. His mouth on hers again, his tongue probing.
“Open your eyes,” he whispered and she complied, seeing the intensity, the fierce desire in his eyes. She let her hands slide around his back, felt the solid muscles that rippled in his arms. He smiled.
“I love you, baby girl. You know that, don’t you?”
She didn’t answer him, barely conscious now. He pushed her legs apart and thrust into her; she gasped at the suddenness, the violence of his movements. His arms were either side of her now, his face focused but distant. He drove himself into her, controlled, brutal strokes, groaning softly as he neared completion. His expression was exhilarated, jubilant. Triumphant.
It hit her then, what she was doing, what she was allowing, was complicit in.
Stop it. Please.
But she couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell him to stop. As he came, grunting and calling her name over and over, she tried to smile, pulling his face down to her chest so that she didn’t have to hide the tears. She waited until he had pulled away, gone to the bathroom before she let the tears flow, burying her face in the pillow to soak them up. When she heard the toilet flush, the bathroom light click off, she turned quickly onto her side and pretended to be asleep. She felt him get into bed, pressed his warm, damp skin to hers. He slid his arm around her, stroked her belly with his thumb. She tried to make her breathing even.
“I love you, Sarah, thank you for tonight” he whispered and laughed softly. She kept up the pretense and soon heard his breathing become softer. When she was sure he was asleep, she slid silently from his arms, pulling on her nightshirt, a sweater, and crept silently down the stairs. She grabbed her cell phone from her purse and shut herself in the pantry. She crawled into the darkest corner and pressed the speed dial.
“Hello?” Molly’s voice was sleepy, somewhat annoyed. Sarah opened her mouth to speak but instead the tears came again and she sobbed quietly into the phone.
“Honey?” Molly’s voice was softer now, concerned. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”
Sarah gathered herself. The pantry had a small window, high up, and outside she could see the light from the crescent moon, distorted through the rain on the glass.
“No,” she managed eventually, “No. I’m not okay. I made a mistake, Molly. I made a terrible mistake and I don’t know what to do. God, Molly, what the hell do I tell Isaac? How the hell do I tell him this? Oh god…”
Her own words hit her and she started to cry again as on the other end of the line, Molly frantically called her name.
Chapter 4
Now, Forever
What have I done?
She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t get the roiling in her belly to stop. Sarah picked up the glass of orange juice Dan had placed in front of her, the plate of scrambled eggs untouched.
“Aren’t you hungry, darling?”
She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. If she opened her mouth, she was scared she would scream and scream. She had cheated on Isaac. She had slept with Dan. The man who had abandoned her, who might be the man who attacked her, attacked Molly, killed George. Who might still kill her.
Since her frantic call to Molly, she had sat outside on the porch, trying to make sense of what had happened. She had heard that terrible song, screeching through the house, had been driven mad, so mad that when Dan made his move, she was totally unprepared. She had pushed the memory of the sex to the back of her mind – it made her want to throw up.
“Sarah?”
She looked at Dan finally. He was smiling but in his eyes, she saw something else. Triumph.
“You made me a very happy man last night. Sublimely so.” His voice was a caress, his eyes soft. Sarah looked away from their intensity. He took her hand.
“Sarah, you cannot be in any doubt about the way I feel about you. Ever since I first saw you again, I’ve wanted you back so badly it was making me crazy. So crazy I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do. What I was capable of.”
All said through the widest smile but his words made fear curl through her. His words from his hospital visit came back to her.
You are mine, Sarah, mine forever...I won’t let anyone else have you, my darling…not ever…
>
He raised her hand towards his mouth, pressed his lips against the skin of her wrist. She flushed, tried to pull her hand away but he held it fast.
“I know you must have reservations, and I don’t blame you but I just need you to understand. Sarah, I’m in love with you. No –,” he stopped her as she was about to speak. “ – don’t say it back. Think it over. I want to take care of you, Sarah, I want us to build a future together. I know we can’t have children of our own but – “
“How do you know that?” She interrupted him then. That particular fact had been bothering her ever since a crowing Caroline had announced her sterility to the entire Varsity. “Did Caroline tell you that? How does she know?”
Dan looked surprised. “No, darling, don’t you remember? Before I …went away, we were trying.”
Sarah shook her head and snatched her hand away from him. “No, Dan. I didn’t find out until after you left me.”
Dan winced. “Please, Sarah, don’t remind me of how foolish I was. I’m sure I’ve known since we married. Does it matter?”
Yes, it does. It’s private. Sarah looked away from his gaze. “Dan…I’m married to Isaac. I’m in love with Isaac.”
Dan laughed, a humorless sound. “Well, you certainly forgot that when you were screaming my name last night.”
Was he insane? Every second of last night was clear in her mind. At no point, she thought, did I ever scream your name except to try and get you to stop. But you didn’t stop, did you?
“Dan…I was upset last night, I wasn’t thinking. I asked you stop. More than once.”
He looked up sharply. “Sarah, what are you accusing me of?”
She swallowed, the anger was rolling off him. “I’m just asking if you heard me.”
He shrugged. “I’ve already answered you, Sarah. Now can we eat?”
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