by Ali Dean
She might be blonde but she doesn’t look that much like me, like Hailey said. I mean, she’s gorgeous. I Google her and see she swam her freshman year at Texas and then must have quit. She was pretty good in high school. Anyone who went to Zones was, but based on her results from her freshman year at college, she didn’t get any better. It happens. People get burnt out and would rather do other stuff in college. Like Kick.
I startle when someone sits on the bed next to me, nudging me with her shoulder. Speak of the devil. “Hey,” Kick says gently. “You okay?”
She peeks at my computer, trying to figure out what I’m doing. “You’re looking at swimming results? Fran said you were having a moment.”
“I was. I am.”
“Is this about Nationals next weekend? Are you nervous or something?”
I shake my head. The tension between us seems far away and irrelevant as my conversation with Tabitha spills out of me, and I get to the part where the ex-girlfriend is actually a swimmer we kind of knew, who roomed with me at Zones.
“You don’t think Jett knew that part, do you?” I wonder out loud. This is all so weird.
“Doubt it. You really think he danced with you that night at Mirage because he was planning to get back at Julian?” She sounds doubtful, or hopeful that it’s not true, I can’t tell.
“You were there. You saw it. Guys don’t just approach girls like that.”
“Yes, they do. Especially guys like Jett.” She states it matter of factly, and I almost laugh. I guess guys do approach her like that, but not me.
“Maybe if you give off the come-hither vibes, which I do not.”
“Okay, so, say you’re right about that first time you met, which I’m not even sure I agree with but say you are. You’ve been with him what? Five months? He wouldn’t just stay with you out of revenge. And anyway, he wouldn’t be able to fake the whole relationship. Like, you guys hang out every day. Why would he do that if he wasn’t actually totally into you?”
“Because it drives Julian crazy.”
“Julian’s got his own problems. Jett doesn’t even know about Julian still being weird though, does he?”
“Maybe he does, but not from me.”
“Shay, this doesn’t mean your entire relationship with Jett is fake. Seriously. Don’t make this into something it’s not.”
“I’m not. But I don’t want to be stupid either. This started out as something totally different than I thought. If it changed for him, I don’t know when that happened. And maybe it didn’t change. All I know is that I don’t know if I can trust him right now. I’m scared, Kick. I totally misjudged Julian and our non-relationship or whatever it was. I don’t want to misjudge Jett and what we have too. I think I might be a really bad judge of guys.”
Kick shakes her head. “Let’s go to practice. Don’t overthink it. You’ll feel better after swimming.”
I checked my phone again after showering in the locker room, but Shay hadn’t gotten back to me yet. I was itching to see her, sink into her and feel her weight on me as we slept. I had to head out first thing in the morning for Nationals and needed my fill before three days without her.
She’d become a basic necessity in my life, along with food, water, sleep, and track. I had to have Shay Spark to fill me up and make me whole. It was messed up, since I functioned fine without her before we met, but once I had her, I couldn’t live with her.
Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I headed out of the locker room, debating whether to head straight to Shay’s condo or my apartment. Tabby was standing right outside and I nearly crashed into her. Since that first night when I introduced her to Shay, she’d backed off. She didn’t like it at first, me with Shay, or with any girl who wasn’t her, but she respected me too much to mess with it.
Now, though, she looked guilty as hell and a bad feeling hit me. “Tabby, what’s up?”
“Shit, Jett, I think I fucked up.” Her eyes met mine and the pleading look in them did not help the sinking feeling in my gut.
“Tabby,” I said as calmly as possible, but the bite there was unmistakable. “What did you do?”
“I was talkin’ with Shay, apologizing for being a bitch that first night, saying how good you are together,” she started, and so far, it all sounded nice, but she needed to get to the fucking point.
“She asked why I had a problem with her at first, and I told her it was ‘cause she was with Julian Reed. I figured you guys dealt with that shit right outta the gate. I mean you guys got tight real fast, and I just assumed you’d told her about Sara and Julian and all that went down in high school.”
My heart squeezed. “Fuck,” I muttered.
“I mean, she knew that Sara cheated on you, but not that it was with Julian.”
“How’d she take it?” I asked, pretty sure I already knew the answer.
“Not too good,” Tabby admitted quietly. “That’s why I wanted to tell you. She just looked real, I dunno, upset. She didn’t cry or anything, but…” Tabby kept going but I was done.
I needed to find my girl.
Practice does make me feel better. I can’t block it all out and shut it off like I usually do, especially because we’re only tapering and not pushing too hard, but it still calms me down. I get to practice a little late, not wanting to risk running into Julian, and Coach Mandy doesn’t question it. I’m almost never late unless there’s a valid reason, like class running over. After practice, I rush out of there too. I know my teammates will sense something’s up, even if Fran and Kick didn’t say anything, and I just can’t deal with other people right now. This isn’t something I can easily explain, and the truth of it is crushing.
Jett leaves tomorrow for indoor track nationals in Kentucky. I was planning to go over to his place after practice. We’d eat together, do a little homework, sleep at his place. But I can’t see him. It’s too raw. I don’t know what he’ll say and whatever it is, I know I’m not ready to hear it. I just need some space to process and let it settle.
So I text him, tell him I can’t make it. I’m tempted to lie and say I’m sick and don’t want him to catch it, but I can’t bring myself to lie. It’s what I did with Julian months ago when I realized that it was over with him, and it was Jett I really wanted. If I lie to Jett now, it will feel like I’m sealing our fate, ending it before I have time to really understand what’s happening.
When Jett doesn’t text me back, I get nervous. Usually if one of us cancels, we give a reason, like homework. But I’ve been diligently staying on top of my school work so that I’m not behind going into NCAAs, and with fewer hours in the pool during taper, I’ve had plenty of time to get everything finished.
Worrying Jett is going to come over here to see me, I pack up my backpack for the library and head out just as Beatrice and Kick are walking up the sidewalk from the cafeteria. Kick must have told Bea everything because neither of them is cool with me busting out of the condo. Normally they’d assume I was going to meet Jett, and I’m not usually one to go to the library on a weeknight.
“Can we come with?” Bea asks.
“I just want to be alone.” I don’t want them hovering. And Jett might be on his way over now, so I’m not waiting for them to get their stuff together.
It’s not a long walk to the library, but I’m jumpy the entire way. I don’t even trust myself right now, my feelings, my plans. I just feel lost.
Finding an empty study room tucked away on the top floor, I set up my laptop and books, trying to think about what homework I should do instead of scouring the internet to torture myself about Sara Glover.
Why did she cheat on Jett anyway? I was there. I know it wasn’t a slip-up or an accident. She knew exactly what she was doing.
My body shudders, threatening to succumb to another pity party, but I take deep breaths and open a book, scanning the pages but not processing anything.
The sound of footsteps approaching has my head snapping up. I’m about to roll my eyes at my jumpiness when a face
peeks through the glass door. His smile makes my stomach drop with unease.
“Hey, you,” Julian says, assuming his Mr. Friendly attitude. “Kick told me I might find you up here.”
A shiver runs through me. No way would Kick tell him where I am. It’s true she and Beatrice are the only ones who might know this is the part of the library where I can usually be found, but they’re also the only ones clued in about Julian’s weirdness.
“She did?” There’s obvious doubt in my voice.
“Yeah, I guess you had just left when I came by to talk.”
Okay, maybe Kick thought enough time had passed since he faked leaving his phone in the locker. It had been three months. But still, she wouldn’t tell him to come find me here.
I try not to let on that I’m freaking out. Was he following me again?
“To talk?” I echo, incapable of saying more.
Julian lets out a heavy sigh, closes the door behind him, and moves my backpack off the chair next to me, taking its place. I watch it all unfold, frozen in place.
“I know everything, Shay,” he says softly.
My eyes widen. “What do you mean?” I whisper.
His hand moves to my wrists and as I start to pull it away, his grip tightens. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you. I knew something wasn’t right with Jett. I knew it,” he repeats fiercely, eyes boring into mine. “I heard what Tabitha told you today before your economics class.”
The flutters of unease burst into full-on panic. I’m trapped in this seat, and he’s blocking the way out. The table is against the wall, my chair is closest to the wall, and the window is at our backs, facing the door. He’s caged me in.
Fierce. Calm.
It’s bizarre how the words pop into my head, like Kick is whispering them in my ear. Stay cool. Stay cool.
“What Tabitha said?” All I can do is dumbly repeat what he’s saying. I’m afraid saying anything else will make it real. That he’s admitting to following me, eavesdropping on my conversations. Kick didn’t tell him where I was. He followed me.
“Tabitha told you that all of this was because of me. He wanted revenge for something I didn’t even know about. But now that you know the truth, we can be together.”
“Julian, I haven’t even told Jett what she told me. I have to talk to him about it.” I try to say it gently, stall for time. When his grip on my wrists tightens, I know I need to be careful, play along.
“You don’t need to talk to him. I heard your sister and Beatrice walking back tonight. Kick said you don’t trust Jett anymore.”
“Right, I don’t. I need to break up with him.” I try to keep the desperation from my voice as I lie.
He slides closer to me, his knees pressing into my thigh. My breaths are quick and I hope he doesn’t see how scared I am.
“You didn’t give me that conversation, did you, Shay? I had to demand it. I found out you were with Jett and only then did you talk to me about it.”
I don’t know what to do. “Julian, you’re scaring me.” I’m afraid if I keep lying, he’ll know, and it will only get worse. The glimpses into his mind he’s giving me, the anger brewing, I can’t see any way out.
Julian’s hand caresses my cheekbone and I close my eyes to hide my disgust. “Don’t be scared, Shay. We can finally be together now. You know that’s how it should be. Our families get along so well, and my parents are in the same circles as yours. It makes sense. It’s always made sense. We’ll be a team, stronger together. Our families will be too.” An image of Daphne’s cold hand on my elbow flashes in my mind, making me think instability must run in the veins. Julian wasn’t always like this. I would have seen it. I don’t know when it changed, when it started, but he’s unraveling before my eyes.
My throat is closed up, terror preventing me from speaking. If I say anything, he’ll know that I’m not on the same page. That I think he’s crazy. So I just nod.
An ugly smile takes over his face, and as he leans forward, I try to stand up, get out of my seat, get away, but he puts his hands on my hips, holding me in with his body and pressing his lips to mine before I can escape. At first, I’m too stunned to move, and when I finally do react, his efforts become more aggressive, pushing his tongue between my lips and holding my hips down with bruising force. I consider staying still, wondering if he’ll stop with just a kiss if I pretend to be on board. Maybe he’ll stop for just long enough for me to break away, somehow get out of here – no. I’m not going to play along, and my body won’t let me even if I wanted it to.
With as much force as I can muster, I bring my knee up, but it barely grazes his stomach. It does make him back off as he mutters a curse, and I turn my face away, about to yell, but Julian covers my face with his hand, and his other goes between my legs. He tugs at my pants, trying to pull them down, and moves his hand away only to force his mouth on me again.
The panic inside me rises as I feel him trying to pull his own pants down. I squirm, trying to get away, trying to get my knee free to knock him off balance. But then his weight is suddenly gone, and Julian is grunting as his body slams against the wall.
Jett is there, and I blink with confusion and relief just in time to see his fist connect with Julian’s face, blood spurting everywhere. Jett turns to look at me. “Are you okay?” he asks.
This time, I shake my head “no.” I am so not okay. My shaking fingers go to my leggings, which are half torn off and pulled past my hips. I slide them over me, vaguely thinking that I should stop going commando with leggings, and then thinking what a strange thought to have as my boyfriend’s fist slams into Julian’s stomach.
Julian crumples to the ground, holding himself and whimpering.
“I’m sorry,” Jett says, pain clouding his eyes as he looks over at me again.
I shake my head, confused at his apology, uncertain if he’s apologizing for punching Julian, or for hiding the truth from me about his ex-girlfriend and Julian. Does he think I’m upset that he’s beating up Julian? “Wait. Did you think I was…?” I can’t even finish the question.
“Only for a second. And then I realized what was happening. I shouldn’t have hesitated. But Tabby told me what she told you, and then you didn’t want to see me, and Kick told me where to find you. I knew you were upset. I thought maybe...” He drifts off but shakes his head, kneeling in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Shay.”
“We need to call campus security.” Julian is starting to get up. I’m not holding back this time, even if it puts Jett in the middle of it. I should have told campus security my concerns about Julian months ago.
Jett doesn’t hesitate or argue, taking out his phone and making the call. I can’t look at Julian as Jett speaks with someone on the other line.
We wait in silence for security to arrive. Julian doesn’t try to talk, but he does try to leave. Jett goes in the hallway with Julian, and I hear what sounds like a body slamming against the wall, since I now know what that sounds like. I don’t care though. As the sound of security guards comes into the hallway, adrenaline whooshes out of me and I feel empty.
The next hours are a black hole. I’m there, but not really. It’s like I’ve detached myself from my body and I’m watching another girl go through it, explain what happened to security, answer questions from a female police officer, let her photograph the bruises forming on my hipbone and wrist. Kick and Beatrice are there. I think they answer questions too. But I don’t see Julian or Jett. Maybe they went to the police station. Aside from passing curiosity, I don’t feel much toward either of them.
Kick sleeps in my bed with me that night. I don’t know if I actually sleep. Probably. I’m exhausted. Drained. I feel as if I’m the one who fought off Julian, not Jett. Kick makes breakfast in the morning, but I’m not hungry. It’s Friday, and I have two morning classes before afternoon practice, but I don’t leave my room.
Voices drift up from downstairs on and off throughout the day. When the time comes for practice, Kick and Beatrice ask me if I want
to go, but I shake my head. I’d rather stay in my dark room for just a little longer. I know as soon as I start thinking and feeling, it’s going to hurt, and I’m just not ready for it yet.
Kick tells me she’s going to stay with me and skip practice, but I won’t let her. She already skipped classes this morning. She seems to agree, but I don’t believe her. When the front door closes, I wander into the hallway and check her room.
Then I go downstairs to see if I’m really alone. And also to lock the front door.
Jett is sitting on the couch in our living room.
“Baby,” he whispers. He doesn’t reach for me, but his eyes are pleading, his voice showing all the emotion that I don’t want near me.
Instead of addressing what happened last night, I ask him the question that might have an answer capable of hurting me just as bad. “When was the first time you saw me?”
I’m standing on the edge of the stairs, ten feet away. He looks like he wants to close the gap but holds himself back. “At the pool. I saw you getting out of the pool. It was a couple weeks before Mirage. I was going to loosen up in the pool and didn’t know the team was still practicing.”
“Why did you come up to me at Mirage?”
He looks at me hard, making sure I’m really listening, that I see him. “After I saw you at the pool, I asked about you. I wanted you. I did hear you were Julian Reed’s girl, but that no one really knew the deal.”
My heart pounds at his admission, and I grab the stair railing, grasping at the numbness I’ve enshrouded myself in to protect me.
“That was a long time ago, and to me, it was a coincidence. Nothing more. It was Anthony’s birthday party when I saw you at Mirage. Knew I shouldn’t leave the party but couldn’t help it. I let myself have one dance. Just one. And waited to see if you’d call.”
“You did it to get back at Julian.” Even saying his name makes me flinch a little.
“No, baby.” He sounds hurt, and he stands but doesn’t move toward me. “I did it in spite of that connection. I didn’t want to be that guy, didn’t want to do the same thing to Julian that he did to me. And you know that’s not me.”