by A. L. Knorr
Antoni's kiss intoxicated me fully. I was drowning in the smell of him. I put my hands on his face, his stubble a thrill to my palms. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, standing up on my tiptoes to reach him. I wanted to occupy the same space as him, be fused to him. I pressed my body against his from chest to knees.
Suddenly, he broke the kiss and pulled away, out of breath. I was panting too.
"Targa, we can't. This is crazy. You're so young... Too young." He unlocked my arms from his neck and took a deliberate step back. It was a clear sign of rejection.
I wasn't hurt. I didn't feel rejected. I didn't feel anything except for the desire to be with him. I had supreme confidence that I could have him. My siren self knew that if I went after him, he would give in. He would be helpless. He would be mine.
My skin began to tingle. There was a new scent in the air. It was musky, soft, and feminine. It was mine. "I want you," I heard myself say. Since when had I ever been so bold?
My hands reached for him of their own accord. I flattened my palms against his chest. He groaned and the muscles in his jaw popped as he clenched his teeth. I could hear them grinding in his skull. His nostrils flared.
My voice had changed when I'd said the words, just a fraction. There had been a lone violin in it, my siren sound. I reached into myself and called more strings forward, all it would take was a few more words, it would be so easy.
I opened my mouth to speak when he said, "I could lose my job, Targa." His voice was ragged.
I froze. With supreme effort, I swallowed the violins and stepped back. It took everything I had to drop my hands from his chest. My skin stopped tingling. Instinct was urging me to seduce him, but my rational side was screaming to stop. How did my mother cope with this battle of wills? She'd never told me how difficult it was.
I swallowed hard again, snuffing for good the voice I'd been ready to use on him. My throat felt dry, like it was coated with sawdust. I needed a glass of water. Forget a glass, I needed a bucket. I also had the urge to take a shower.
"I have to go," I said. In a few short strides I was at the door.
"No, Targa wait... " he said, his voice thick with regret. But I was out the door and running down the hall before he could say anything else.
Nineteen
After I'd showered and guzzled a litre of water, I waited in the sitting area of our suite for Mom to wake up. I was tempted to wake her to talk about what had happened, but I knew she'd been working hard and needed the sleep. I checked the clock. It was almost seven. I started pacing. Then I decided to go for a walk around the manor to kill some time. I climbed the stairwell to the next storey and wandered along, taking in paintings, sculptures, and antique furniture that dotted the hallways and little sitting areas. The place still seemed deserted.
I meandered somewhat aimlessly, replaying the events that had just happened in Antoni's suite. I got a bit of vertigo when I thought about it. For years I'd worried that something was wrong with me but clearly there wasn't. Had the desire been lying dormant just like the mermaid gene? Were the two linked somehow? My feelings towards Antoni had changed so suddenly and so drastically that it was the only explanation. Even the thought of him sent dragonflies whirring through my stomach, their hearty wings battering my ribcage mercilessly. My hands were trembling as though I'd just run a mile. Was this better than not feeling anything? Now I felt weak for want of him, almost like it owned me instead of me owning it.
I didn't know where I was anymore. I was down a hallway that was completely lined with wood. The floors were hardwood and the walls were panelled with birch. It was nothing like the rest of the manor. I spotted an alcove that had a fireplace and a small teak door beside it. I cracked it open to see a narrow hallway and a set of stairs. I climbed the stairs and exited the stairwell through a similar tiny door - another hallway lined with doors but this one was different. It hadn't been updated the way the rest of the mansion had been. It looked the same way I suspected it had looked when the manor had been built. I wandered down the hall, noting as I walked by a window that I was on the top floor.
Halfway down the hall I saw a set of double doors propped open. The crackling sound of a fire could be heard coming from the room. I suddenly needed to know who was in the room and what it looked like. I guessed this was the curiosity my mother was famous for.
I was a mere few steps from the door when I heard my mothers' voice. I stopped in surprise. So, she hadn't been sleeping in her room after all.
"It shouldn't be a difficult dive. The wreck is well situated. I don't anticipate any problems," she was saying.
"From what I hear," Martinius answered in his warm baritone, "there isn't much that seems to be a problem for you, Mira. Your record speaks volumes."
In true Mira style, my mother didn't answer.
Martinius spoke again after a moment of silence. "You're welcome to borrow any of those books while you're here if you like. I have quite a few English nautical history books if they interest you."
"Thank you," my mother said, and I fought the urge to applaud sarcastically at her manners.
"So, Simon has agreed that the first dive will be Tuesday?" Martinius asked.
"So I'm told. We've spent the week doing nothing but prep, if we're not ready now, we never will be."
"Wonderful!" said Martinius with real enthusiasm in his voice. "I am jealous that I shall not be the first to examine her. I wish I could go, but I have long since hung up my diving gear. Be sure to take the time to observe both the crowsnest design and the masthead. Both of them were hand carved by a famous Polish craftsman."
"I will," said my mom.
"And, you have everything that you need? There is nothing else that you can think of that might make the dive go more smoothly for you?"
"Yes, we are well very equipped," she replied. "It's quite a fleet of floating assets you have. I think Simon just about had kittens when he saw your outfit."
There was a pause and then, "Kittens?" Martinius repeated.
"It's just an expression for when someone is excited," Mom explained.
Martinius gave a delighted laugh and then there was another long silence. It was quiet for so long that I wondered what was going on. There was no sound except for the crackling fire. I took a step closer and then heard my mother speak again. Her voice closer to the door now. "Well, I think I'll go check on my daughter," she said. Something about the way she said daughter told me that she knew I was outside the door.
"Certainly," answered Martinius. "I'm so glad everything turned out well. Give her my regards. Perhaps I'll be so lucky as to hear the story in her words. Antoni seems to be struggling with the memory of what happened, poor chap."
"Yes." My mom was just about at the door. "Good day to you Martinius."
"Good day, Mira," he said.
She came out the door and threw an arm around my shoulders, turning me around. She kissed my forehead, but she didn't say anything until we got back to our suite and she closed the door behind her.
"Odd," she said, leaning her back against the door.
"What?"
"Well, he had one of his staff ask me late last night to come see him first thing in the morning. He'd arrived late from a meeting in Gdańsk and heard that you'd been in an accident. He wanted to know that everything was ok."
"What's odd about that?"
"It's not that part that's odd. I realized something just now when he mentioned the masthead and the crowsnest."
"Masthead..." I jogged my memory. "That's the thing at the front of the ship, right? A seahorse, or a dragon, or a girl with big boobs?"
"Right. But until he mentioned it just now, no one has said a word about it in any of the briefings. I saw a shot of the crowsnest in one of the images, but the masthead wasn't in any of the photographs, it's not even on the list of assets that we're charged with finding. By the way, where have you been?" She switched topics smoothly and we moved into the sitting area. She c
racked open a bottle of water and handed it to me, then opened one for herself.
"Oh, you know. Eating Martinius out of house and home. Seducing his staff. Having fights with myself. The usual." I chugged the water.
My mom just about spat her water out, laughing in mid-gulp. She swallowed and wiped the water off her mouth with her sleeve.
"Let me guess, you found Antoni and you got a nice big whiff with your new mermaid nose."
"Something like that."
"You're purebred siren now, sweetheart." Then she gave me a sharp look. "You didn't," she gave me an emphatic look. "Did you?"
The old Targa would have squirmed if her mother asked her point blank whether she'd just had sex or not. I was a virgin, but I saw it differently now. All my teenage embarrassment was gone. It was just a normal urge now, like eating or sleeping.
I shook my head. "No, but I could have. I wanted to. It was really, really hard not to. Did I mention how hard it was not to? I only stopped myself because he said he could lose his job."
"He could," she nodded. "Sleeping with a contractor's daughter, especially one as young as you. It would be a scandal. Although I overheard one of the guys saying that the age of consent in Poland is actually 15." She shuddered, "A woman knows when she's ready, mermaid or human, but somehow he sounded super creepy when he said it." She sighed, "I guess I should explain a few things to you."
"Yeah, like how all of a sudden I want to eat everything in sight, including Antoni? How I can push pheromones out of my skin and make my voice sound like an orchestra? And you never told me how confusing it is. How there's an inner battle going on all the time. How do you cope?"
"It gets easier, I promise."
I gave her a cynical look and she laughed. "Look. I'm overjoyed that you're a mermaid. I don't know why you had to die to get there, but you did. So here we are. Your blessing and curse is that you now have powers and sharper senses. You're a primal creature. You are able to function as a human well enough to fool them but as soon as you're in salt water you're a siren. You operate almost entirely on instinct, and a big part of that instinct is to mate."
She chugged the rest of her water bottle, threw the empty plastic into the recycling bin and then pulled me down on the couch beside her. "You know why I drink so much water?"
"It helps you cope?" I understood that better than ever now.
"Yes. I need fresh water in my body to keep the siren instinct under control. As long as you have lots of clean water in your system, you'll be able to think like a human. Even while you're in salt water."
"What happens when the fresh water leaves your system?"
"Salt is fuel to your siren instinct, so if you're saturated with it, it takes over. Salt is why we always end up going back to the ocean. It calls to us until one day our relationships don't seem to matter enough anymore to stay on land." She put a hand on my face. "Except for this one. This relationship will always matter." Then a puzzled look crossed her face.
"What? What are you thinking?" I asked.
"Well, it is unusual that you're already getting the urge to find a mate. Typically, a mermaid needs to spend some time living at sea in the salt before the cycle begins. It appears you're breaking all the rules," she said, cocking an eyebrow.
"That's not really comforting," I said. How could Mom prepare me for life as a siren if I kept breaking rules? And what rule would I break next?
"So typically," I continued, wrapping my head around what she was saying, "you only ever leave the ocean when your instinct tells you to find a mate, right?"
"That's right. It's the only need that is powerful enough to drive us out of the ocean. Falling in love is a consuming experience for a mermaid. All the other stuff that matters to a human doesn't matter to us. Jobs, education, material possessions. None of it means anything. Only he matters. You've got a lot of gifts at your disposal. If there is a man alive who can resist the call of a siren when she's got her sights on him, I haven't met him. Even when you're not interested, they're still going to be drawn to you. It gets very annoying when you're not in the game for a mate anymore."
"Are all mermaids heterosexual then?" I asked, curious. My generation had been raised to accept that not everyone was drawn to the opposite sex. I wondered if it was the same for sirens.
"As far as I know," she said. "There are so few of us and our drive to procreate is so strong."
"Did you use your siren abilities to entice dad into a relationship with you?"
A wistful expression crossed her face and a secret smile touched her lips. "Actually no, I made a resolution not to use my abilities if I could help it. When I found your father, I wanted our love to be as genuine as possible."
"That's what I want, too."
"There is supposedly a biological reason for that," she said, giving me a sidelong glance. "There might be more to it than just wanting an authentic love."
"What's that?"
"My mother once told me that the strongest siren offspring are made from relationships where no siren wiles are used. Possibly even to the point of producing an elemental."
"What's an elemental?"
"According to her, its a mermaid who has power over the ocean. She can bend water to her will, and sometimes she even has the power to heal. I wanted to give my child those gifts if I could. So I wanted your dad and I to fall in love naturally, to the extent that we could. I think, with a siren, there will always be some level of supernatural appeal, but I tried very hard to keep it to a minimum when I met your dad."
There was silence while I digested what she'd said about siren offspring. "You must have thought your mom lied about that when I turned out to be a dud."
She chuckled, "I was pretty angry with her for a long time. But how incredible is it now to know that you were never a dud? And you have only just begun to learn what you are capable of."
"Try not to have too high of expectations, mom," I said wryly. "We've already spent too much time down that road. I can tell you right now that I don't have powers over water."
"I know, sunshine. I'm just thankful that you've finally had your rebirth."
I loved the idea of having a relationship free from siren deception, but how could I ever know if the attraction a man was feeling for me was genuine? I thought of what had happened with Antoni. I had thought maybe he was attracted to me before I became a siren, but how could I know for sure?
As a mermaid, I understood the desire to find the strongest and best mate. But as a girl who had been raised human all her life, I rebelled against the thought of luring a man with wiles that human women didn't have. At least I now understood the intense desire to be with Antoni, and thankfully had a tool to control it. I made a mental note to ask for more bottled water to be delivered to our suite.
"What about the sea here? Micah explained to me that it's brackish. Don't you think its weird that I finally had my change in water that has barely any salt in it?"
"Yes, I do find that very odd. I've always been curious to swim in the Baltic because its so unique, and now we're here. Strange how things work out."
"Let's go, Mom. Today. It'll be our first swim together. Take me to the ship? You have to go before Monday right, to prep the site? I could help you." I don't know why I was bracing myself for an argument. I should have known her face would light up like a solar flare.
"I can't think of anything I'd like to do more. Today is Saturday, the team won't be expecting me at work." Then her crystal eyes swept over me with a look of motherly concern. "How's your head? Did you sleep well?"
"I slept like the dead. My head is a little tender but it's already so much better than yesterday. I feel awesome, and really full." I rubbed my belly.
She laughed. "All right then. Let's go for a swim!"
As we made our way down to the beach together, I couldn't help but think of my future and what my mother might expect from me because of the change. After all, mermaids only left the ocean to find a mate and have a child, so didn't that m
ean that most of their lives were lived at sea? Away from humanity? I felt the shadow of a life-changing decision begin to fall over me and I pushed it out of my mind. I had enough on my plate; I'd deal with that later.
Twenty
My mom secured a vehicle from Martinius' staff. He had been generous enough to extend the use of company vehicles to us while we were here.
I kept thinking about what I could do to prepare for the journey, after all it was a 48 kilometre swim. I had been less than a kilometre off shore when the laser tipped. The thought of going so far out into the deep made me nervous and excited. But I wouldn't be alone, and Mom always said that she was the most powerful thing in the ocean, so there was nothing to be afraid of.
"Do you think we should bring lots of water with us?" I asked, "for when we get back?"
She nodded. "It's always a good idea. I doubt it will be a problem, but there is no down side," she said, so we brought several litres with us and threw them in the back of the Jeep.
Mom had told the staff we were going to Gdańsk for the day. Going to the beach wasn't a good excuse because no rational human would want to go swimming today. The aftermath of the storm was evident on the beaches and the sky was jammed with grey clouds. A chilly wind tugged at our hair as we got into the truck.
As we turned out of the estate, I said, "Go this way, Mom," and directed her north along the coast. "There is a secluded little beach in between two rock outcroppings that I found yesterday when I came out of the water. We can park there and enter the water without being seen."
As we drove, I was reminded of the discomfort in my neck from yesterday. I rolled my head side to side but was happy to feel that there was no pain left at all. "My neck was so sore yesterday, and I had a burning sensation where my gills came out," I observed.
Mom nodded. "Your gills had never been used before, so it would make sense that the first time they got saturated with sea water they would burn for a little while. They'll be fine this time."