by J. Minter
They were such nice, normal messages, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. I'd texted back to say how nice it was of him to call, and that I'd missed him, and that I was tired from the long flight . . . and that I'd give him a call today.
But now it was Sunday night, and he'd left another message for me this afternoon. I still hadn't returned any of his calls and was feeling increasingly guilty about it. I guess some part of me knew that we needed to have a talk. But I was trying to put it off because at this point, I wasn't sure exactly what to say. How bad of me would it be to just wait to see him at school tomorrow?
"Knock, knock," my dad said, poking his head into my doorway.
"Hey, Dad."
"You two okay up here? I know Noodles is a noodle about thunderstorms."
I lifted my comforter to expose a trembling little fur ball snuggled up against my side. "He's a wimp," I said.
My dad gave Noodles a scratch and then pulled a surprise attack on me: he produced the cordless phone from behind his back.
"Adam's on the phone," he said, covering the mouthpiece. "Said he's been trying to call your cell but thought you might have lost it."
My dad looked across my bed and saw my iPhone sitting right next to me on my pillow. He raised an eyebrow and held out the phone to me.
I took a deep breath and the phone from my dad, who disappeared as quickly as he'd shown up. It was now or never. Maybe when I started talking to him, all the right words would just come to me. Yeah, right.
"Hello?" I said, feeling the same butterflies in my stomach that I'd felt when we first started dating . . . only now I was feeling them for a much less fun reason.
"Hey!" Adam said. "How are you? Good to finally hear your voice. What are you doing?"
"Oh," I said, feeling like a liar before I said a word. "I'm good, not much, you too."
"Me too what?"
"Um, it's good to hear your voice?" I said, like it was a question.
"Oh," he said. "Cool. So how was the trip? Did you guys have a blast?"
It was the first time I'd thought about how I would sum up Nevis in sound-bite form. There was so much to explain that I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get into it all with Adam.
"Yeah," I finally said, "I really did have a blast. How was Chicago?"
"It was a good time. I mostly hung out with my cousins. We just watched a lot of football, talked a lot of football, played a lot of football. How can you go wrong with a lineup like that?"
"Definitely," I said, trying to make my voice sound peppier than I felt. "Sounds awesome."
"So, I was hoping we could see each other soon," he said.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow in between third and fourth period."
Adam always walked me from English to my gym class because his health class was on the same floor as mine.
"Actually . . . I was wondering, what are you doing tonight?"
"Probably just staying in," I said, wondering if he could tell that I was scrambling to make up an excuse. "I have to get some stuff ready for school tomorrow."
"What if I came over and walked Noodles with you? You have to do that anyway, so I won't be taking up too much of your time, right?"
"Adam, it's pouring out!"
"All the more reason why you shouldn't be out walking him alone. My dad has the world's biggest collection of golf umbrellas. Can I come over in an hour?"
An hour later, I was fastening the Burberry raincoat SBB had bought for Noodles when I first got him. The rain hadn't let up at all, and I was starting to wonder about this plan. Maybe Adam would come to his senses and cancel.
The doorbell rang.
I opened the door and there he was, taking up the whole doorframe and looking great in a Bears hat and a black North Face rain jacket. He held up the biggest umbrella I'd ever seen and produced a Ziploc bag of turkey bacon from his pocket.
"I come prepared," he said, stooping down to give Noodles one of his favorite treats on earth. Noodles jumped into Adam's arms and wagged his tail uncontrollably. Adam held him up and said, "This dog has better fashion sense than half the people at Stuy."
He stood up and we hugged. Adam gave me a quick kiss on the lips.
"Missed you," he said, looking down at the floor. He seemed suddenly shy around me.
I opened my mouth to say something, but a bolt of lightning crashed through the sky, causing Noodles to duck under my legs. The leash got all tangled up around us, and I practically fell into Adam.
"We should probably get going," I said. "Noodles might not last that long out there."
We started walking the usual route, down Perry to Greenwich, and then made a left on Barrow. We ended up right by St. Luke's, my favorite park in the city. But now, with the gates locked and the rain shimmering down in the darkness, it looked kind of forbidding.
"Whoa," Adam said. "This place looks cool." He leaned up against the gate and peaked in. "Have you ever seen this before? It's like a secret garden."
I thought about all the time I'd spent in St. Luke's over the years. The headbands Camille and I had woven out of wildflowers. Or the time when a busload of elderly Italian tourists spooked Noodles, and he got loose and went running for his life right into the park. The first time I'd been kissed.
"Yeah," I said, "I've been here a couple times."
It was just another reminder that Adam and I orbited different spheres. He was perfectly nice, and so considerate, and he was definitely some of the best arm candy at Stuyvesant. But what I was realizing more and more was that arm candy was the last thing I needed.
What I needed was someone who made me want to dive off a cliff. It wasn't specifically about TZ, because I really didn't think of him that way, but there was something exciting about him. It made me realize that I wasn't exactly dating Adam for all the right reasons.
I used to think it was so nice to be able to fall back on the knowledge that this really great guy was into me whenever I got down in the dumps about something. But more and more, I was realizing that I didn't need a guy to fall back on. I had myself, and I had some of the best friends I could imagine if I ever needed something to fall back on. If that was all that Adam was to me, then was it really fair for me to keep pretending we were more?
We looped back around to my brownstone, and Noodles was beyond thrilled to be off his leash and released into my warm, dry apartment. Adam collapsed his colossal umbrella, and the two of us took a seat under the shelter of my stoop. We looked out at the rain.
"So," he said. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I said, but I knew I sounded hesitant.
"What's on your mind?"
I turned to him. "A lot, actually."
"Talk to me." His face looked concerned.
"Well, I've been thinking . . . " Why was it so hard to say this? "I've been thinking about transferring back to private school. My parents and I have been talking about Thoney."
"Oh," he said. He sounded worried. "I mean, I'd hate to see you go. But I understand that this year hasn't been the easiest for you. I know you have to do what you have to do."
"Really?" I said. I don't know why I was surprised that he was being so supportive.
"Totally. I mean, it's cool seeing you every day and walking you to class and everything, but it's not like you're moving to Yemen. Though separate schools . . . it'll be weird."
He put his arm on my back and started giving me a massage. It was amazing how strong even just one of his hands was.
"I could tell something was weighing you down tonight," he said.
"You could?"
"Yeah, you've been a little withdrawn. But it's understandable. You're going through a lot. At first, I was wondering whether it had to do with us. I don't know, like if your feelings had changed or something. . . ."
For a second, we just looked at each other. It was hard to tell whether he knew what I was going to say next.
"Adam," I said.
He nodded and pursed his lips. "This isn'
t just about school, is it?"
I shook my head. A tear ran down my cheek. I didn't even know what to say.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
He rubbed his jaw. "No, I'm sorry, too."
"Why are you sorry?" I asked, confused.
"It's my fault that you feel this way. I mean, I know I get really intense about football. I was thinking about us a lot when I was in Chicago, when I had some space to figure things out. I actually wanted to talk to you tonight, too. I'm not sure this is the best time for either of us to be in a relationship."
"You're not?"
He shook his head.
"Wait, you were going to break up with me, too?"
"I didn't want to; I just worried about us. You know, both of our lives are super busy right now . . . "
He trailed off.
After a minute, I tried to smile. "I'm going to miss you a lot."
Then he smiled, too. "I know." Then his smile disappeared. "I was worried about having this conversation all weekend. You're a great girl, Flan. I felt lucky when I was with you."
I nodded, knowing that I could return the compliment without telling a lie. Adam was awesome; he just wasn't for me. I put my head up to his neck, and we snuggled for a moment in the rain. "I feel the exact same way about you."
He gave my ponytail a tug. "Friends?" he said.
"Definitely."
Chapter 22
PARTY IN A WINTER WONDERLAND
Wait, Flan, seriously} You had a boyfriend this whole week?"
Camille and I were on the phone late on Sunday night. Even though I knew breaking up with Adam was the right thing to do, I was still feeling pretty bummed about it, so I texted Camille around eleven.
BOY TROUBLE. YOU AWAKE?
She called me back immediately, and when I started to tell her the story about my conversation with Adam, she busted out laughing.
"I'm sorry, it's so not funny. I totally want to be here for you right now. Share your pain with me . . . it's just, I mean . . . you never brought him up once the whole trip! And we even talked about boys!"
"It's not funny," I protested. "Okay, it kind of is." Soon, I was laughing, too. "The fact that you never even knew about him, and you and I spent every second together for the past few days, is clearly a sign that I just wasn't that into the relationship."
"Who knew you were so coy? And here I thought you were totally into Rob. He told TZ he thought you were 'breathtaking.' So poetic."
"Oh, God," I said. "Not even."
"He's probably writing girly songs about you this minute."
I sighed. I was still feeling sad and couldn't help but wonder what Adam was doing this minute.
Camille picked up on my pause. "Hey," she said. "I know you're going to be okay, Flan."
"Yeah. I think I just need a break from having a boyfriend for a while," I said.
"I hear you. There are way too many guys for us to have fun with on this island to be tied down right now."
"Sign me up," I said. "When does the fun begin?"
"When's your last final?" she asked.
"Friday morning."
"Me too."
"Okay," I said. "Friday night. My house. Big party."
And this time, when Camille said she'd be there with bells on, I knew that this party would be a vast, vast improvement over the bomb of a party I'd thrown in Nevis.
When I hung up the phone, I heard a knock on my door.
"Flan," my mother said. "What are you doing still awake?"
As I went through the whole story about Adam with my mom, she rubbed my back the way she used to when I was a little girl and couldn't sleep. It never failed to make me feel better about everything from a failed test to a sprained ankle to a lost Tiffany's charm bracelet.
She smiled at me. "You're growing up. And what you did tonight was a very mature thing to do. This is a time of a lot of changes for you, Flan, and I think you're handling yourself just beautifully."
"Thanks, Mom."
"I know something else that will make you feel better," she said. "I had brunch with the dean of Thoney this morning. Everything is all squared away for you to enroll in the spring. You're good to go . . . if you decide that's what you want."
As all the ups and downs of the past week flew through my mind, I suddenly realized that a lot of the ups had to do with things at Thoney, and a lot of the downs were things I could leave behind at Stuy. At first, I'd been so reluctant, because I didn't want to feel like I was quitting. But now, I didn't feel like that at all. I just felt like I had a much better understanding of what it was that was going to make me happy.
I smiled at my mom. "I'm glad I gave Stuy a try this fall. But Thoney is starting to seem like a better fit."
"Phew" my mother said. "And I thought I was going to have to bust out all my old yearbooks to convince you of all that Thoney has to offer."
I laughed.
"I think we need to celebrate," my mom said. "What would you say to a big old-fashioned family party here on Friday night? Would that put a cramp in your social schedule?"
Sometimes my mom is so awesome—and so clairvoyant.
"I think I could fit it in," I said, laughing.
As the week went by, it became clear that there were a lot more things to celebrate than just my decision about school. For one thing, as Camille reminded me, I was single and fabulous. And I had already completed four of my finals and aced them—even Algebra, which could have been my downfall. On top of that, Patch finally got around to opening his Princeton letter, and (surprise surprise) he got accepted early. Emerald Wilcox had been sleeping in our guest room all week—she and Feb were planning on redecorating the house—and her half birthday was coming up on Friday. And, as if all that weren't enough, my father had just closed the deal on the massive bungalow my parents had stayed in while we were in Nevis.
A huge bash was definitely in order.
Emerald and Feb had taken it upon themselves to organize and execute the Half Birthday/ Congratulations/Good Luck/Nevis Forever party of the century. Originally, my mom had hired Harrison & Shriftman to plan the party, but when Emerald and Feb produced resumes to show her their mounds of event-planning experience, she had to agree to hire them.
To their credit, they did put in a lot of hours to ensure that the party would be a success. But all week, our kitchen looked like a war zone. I decided to hole myself up in my room to escape it and to cram for my last two finals, so I could enter Thoney with a respectable high school transcript.
During study breaks, when I'd wander down into the kitchen for some mac and cheese and Fresca, I had to weed through all sorts of floor plans and light fixtures and even a giant box of glittering Judith Leiber pinatas just to find my way to the fridge.
By Friday night, my house was totally decked out. Emerald and Feb had organized each different fete in a different room of the house and given each one a different thematic seasonal twist.
For Patch, the future college freshman, they'd decked out the living room with autumnal Back to School decor.
For Emerald's half birthday party, the kitchen was in full springtime bloom—a shout-out to her real birthday in May.
My parents' new property acquisition in Nevis was a Summer Lovin' theme in the greenhouse on our roof (partially to keep the adults' party separate from the kids' party down below).
And last but not least, I was given winter, for the season when I'd be entering Thoney. Emerald and Feb had set up heat lamps along our back patio and strung twinkling white Christmas lights all over the place. Feb helped me pick out a sparkling silver slip dress and apply matching eye shadow to my lids. A giant diamond snowflake pifiata hung overhead.
Everything was perfect. I sat down on one of the silver swings Emerald had strung from the trees in the yard. I could hear the various parties inside beginning to buzz, but so far none of my friends had shown up. I pumped my legs lightly and began to swing. I was thinking about whether I felt really grown-up right now or very
much like a kid. As the baby of the family, it was no new feeling to be the youngest at the party, but the last few weeks had been such a time of transition and growing up that I also felt really mature.
So much had changed. I no longer felt like I needed to have Adam to fall back on—or any guy for that matter. Kennedy Pearson was a threat to me no more. I'd finally come to terms with the fact that there was no sense in forcing a best friendship with Meredith and Judith, when it was mostly making all three of us miserable. And perhaps most surprisingly, I wasn't at all paranoid that no one wrould come to my party tonight. I'd lived through party throwing hell once already this week, and here I was. I'd survived.
Just after eight o'clock, my first guest stepped out into the yard: Camille. She was wearing a black halter dress, and her long, long dirty blond hair was swept to the side in a loose braid. When she stepped out into our backyard, her jaw dropped.
"Whoa! Hello, Snow Queen," she said.
"Welcome to the Winter Wonderland," I said, standing up to give her a kiss.
"This party rocks . . . but I'm a little confused," she said. "I just narrowly avoided being forced into a keg stand by Patch in your foyer. And why was Emerald blowing out candles on only half of a cake?"
I laughed. "Feb was the mastermind behind this shindig."
"Say no more," Camille said, picking up a bubble wand that blew bubbles in the shape of snowflakes. "So what are we celebrating this season? Your singleness and fabulosity, I'm guessing?"
I paused when I realized I still hadn't told Camille that I'd signed the final paperwork to enroll at Thoney this morning.
I pointed to the ice sculpture in the middle of the garden, which Feb had had engraved with BYE BYE STUY, OLE THONEY.
Camille looked over at me with a huge grin on her face.
"You decided?"
"I decided!" I yelled, matching the expression on her face.
The next thing I knew, Camille had slung herself around me, and we were spinning in a circle around the backyard.
"This is the best news I've heard since I found out Pinkberry was coming to the city!"