by Ann, Becca
“All right.” Why is my voice shakin’? I don’t have any more reason to be nervous around her. She’s given me everythin’ already.
“Oh!” she squeals right as I go in for another kiss. “What time is it?”
I sigh. “Really?”
“Yeah.” She leans up and searches the room for a clock. “Sorry, but I need to be home by… Crapola! Is that clock right?”
I should lie so she stays in bed with me. But I don’t want any more trouble for her. “Yeah.”
Her lip juts out as she cuddles back into me. “I gotta go.”
No. “Just stay a little bit longer?” I tug her closer to my body, and I feel her sigh of defeat against my chest.
“Two minutes. But then I really have to go.”
“I think we can pump one out in two minutes.” I smile and tilt her chin up. She’s laughin’ and smacks me… okay, more like taps me in the arm.
“As romantic as that sounds…” She rolls her eyes. “That’s not what I meant. I just… can you just hold me?”
Hell yeah I can hold her. I’ll even kiss her too.
“Hey,” I say after what’s been way longer than two minutes, “you promised me you’d tell me that long story about why, you know, we don’t have to worry about, uh, protection.”
“Oh that’s right.”
She’s quiet, stifling a large grin as she traces patterns on my chest.
“So…?”
“I don’t really have time to tell you, but you deserve to know I guess. Especially since we’re probably going to be doin’ this a lot.” Her eyes go to mine, her mouth popping open like she just realized she said that out loud.
She’s so damn cute.
I kiss her, keeping my tongue in my mouth this time though in case of morning breath and not being able to control myself again, but it’s hard and urgent enough for her to know that yeah, I want to do this with her forever.
When we break apart, she wraps her arm around my side and squeezes me close to her. “Okay, so you know the whole dairy theory, right?”
What the hell? “No.”
She smiles and gives me a rapid nod. “Yeah! There was this awesome article about if you have a lot of dairy right before you have sex it works as a good birth control.”
Oh no. She better be jokin’. But her eyes are dead serious, and she squeezes me again.
“And I had like, a ton of milk, two thingys of yogurt, and grilled cheese yesterday. So we should be good!”
No. No. No.
“Hayles…”
She busts out in laughter, her body pulsing against me and it’s my turn to smack—more like tap—her in the arm.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. You think you’re so funny.” I smile and press my forehead against hers. “Will you please tell me the real reason now?”
“Okay, but the real reason has to do with a whole bunch of girly stuff you’ll think is nasty.”
“Try me.” ‘Cause after that dairy thing, I better make sure we were really ‘covered’ last night.
“I’ve been on the pill for like, two years now.”
Okay…
“Why?”
“Girl stuff.” She shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it.”
Don’t worry about it? How can I not worry about it?
“But last night… it was your first time, right?”
“Duh.”
“Then why—”
“Seriously, Brody. You don’t want to know.”
I wiggle my nose against hers. I probably don’t wanna know, but I hate when she keeps things from me. “Come on.”
She cocks her head, giving me the ‘you asked for it’ grin. “Okay, boy I’m in bed with, I used to have a high flow period and it was so bad I needed to be put on birth control so I don’t go through a hundred tamp—”
“Okay!” Ugh, she was right. I didn’t want to know. “I got it.”
Her laughter is so contagious, even though she just about made me puke.
“Alrighty, close your eyes.”
My eyebrow goes up. “Why…?”
“‘Cause I have to get dressed.” She tugs the blanket around her chest as she slides to the edge of the bed.
“And I have to close my eyes because…?” I saw everythin’ last night, and yeah I want to see her again.
“Because things look different in the light.” She smiles before putting her hand over my eyes. “And I don’t want you going, ‘Yuck! That’s what I did it with last night?’”
Is she serious? “Knock it off, Hayles,” I say, pushing her hand away. “You. Are. Beautiful.” I reach over to tug the blanket off her, but she fights me.
“Hey!” She’s giggling, and I take that as my cue to pin her against the mattress. Holding her arms above her head, I take in all of her while she’s laughing and yelling at me to stop ogling.
I can’t though. She’s too hot.
“Hayles?”
She stops laughing, but the smile is still on her face. “Yeah, perv?”
My eyes go to hers. I don’t even have to fight to keep them there. I want to look at her like this.
“Did you mean what you said last night?”
“Which part?”
Her hands slide from under my grasp and she rests them on my chest. It feels so good to be this close with her.
“That you’re falling in love with me.”
She reaches up and pulls the back of my neck so I can meet her lips. Yeah, this is the first time she’s kissed me. She kissed me back a lot last night… but yeah, this is the first time she’s made the move.
“Yes, I meant it,” she says when we break apart. “Did you?”
I give her a sort-of smile. “No.”
Her eyebrows scrunch together in that awesome way and I can tell she’s about to yell at me, so I cut her off.
“I’m not falling in love with you.” I give her a full smile this time, wiping her hair from her face. “I am in love with you.”
She rolls her eyes and smiles. “Cheeseball.”
I laugh and kiss the tip of her nose. “Well, I mean it. I love you.”
I know I shouldn’t expect to hear it back. She already did sort-of say it to me, but when she just sighs and tells me she’s gotta go, my gut feels like she just socked it with a brick.
There’s this scene on this chick flick Quynn made me watch with her once. That dude in Inception sleeps with that girl on Elf and he does this musical number thing walkin’ down the street. I thought it was pretty fruity. No guy would act like that even if he did just score.
I’m now eatin’ my words. I kind of want a whole bunch of people dancin’ in the background as I make my way to the Dodge, as I run to the store to get a bunch of junk food, as I go to the park ‘cause I just wanna. I want to fist pump the air and skip and all that stuff, and I do a few times, then catch myself.
And from her reaction this mornin’, Hayles seemed pretty okay with everythin’. It was good for her, you know? She said she wanted to do it more. Not just again, but over and over again. That’s damn hot. I owned it. Not that she had anythin’ to compare it to, but she didn’t say it was bad.
She wanted more.
Hell yeah!
I’m doin’ this weird jig as I walk up my porch, and I’m hummin’ under my breath, somethin’ I never do. Look what this girl has done to me!
“You are in big trouble.”
“Dammit!” I yell as I trip off the porch, droppin’ the bag of chips in my hand. Quynn stands up from the patio chair we’ve got in front of our window and crosses her arms.
“I’m not even going to apologize for scaring you. Where were you last night?”
“I… uh…”
“All I get is a text! ‘Can’t make it.’ That’s it! What was so important you had to cancel our date last night?”
Date? What the hell? She thought it was a date? I try to rewind to our conversation. But everythin’ is muddy. Is this what sex does? Like a hangover without the feelin’ like crap part.
I shake my head running a hand over the back of my neck. “Sorry, Quynn. I didn’t realize… I thought… somethin’ came up, and I couldn’t make it.”
She rolls her eyes and stomps past me.
“Really, it’s not just some excuse. A friend was havin’ a bad night.”
Girlfriend, Brody. Say it! Hayles is your girlfriend!
“A friend?” She cocks an eyebrow.
“Yeah.”
Her arms drop, and she starts playin’ with her fingers. “Hayley?”
I nod. Guess Mom’s not the only person who’s noticed how much time I spend with her.
“It’s not like that, though.”
Whoa, what the hell? What am I sayin’? It’s exactly like that. I just told Hayles loved her… after making love to her. I’m lyin’ right into Quynn’s face ‘cause…
I don’t know how to finish that thought.
“Not like what?”
Her eyes flick to mine, but I don’t hold her stare. I go straight to lookin’ at the crack in the porch.
“Nothin’. Never mind.”
“Okaaaay.” She takes a step towards me, plastering on a smile. “Well, you’re not skipping out on the one tonight. Promise?”
That word is just as bad as ‘please’. And I’m still confused as hell why she still has such power over me when I’m in love with Hayles. But I’m noddin’ and she’s huggin’ me, then she’s gone.
Maybe douchebaggery is genetic.
Reason 24: I can’t lie to you
“Hey, I know you hate the pop in, but—”
I stop Hayley from overanalyzing with a big kiss, ‘cause really, ever since Quynn left it’s all I’ve wanted to do.
“Whoa,” she says, pushing back from me and turnin’ red, “does this mean you’re okay with me just coming over without calling?”
I smile and pull her inside. “I’ll make an exception for you.”
She folds her arms. “Oh no.”
“What?”
“You’re turning into a very cheesy sappy lovesick boy.” She reaches up to feel my forehead. “What have I done?”
I knock her hand off, but keep her in my hold. “No cheesy stuff, huh? How about I just take you downstairs, and we’ll do it.”
She laughs. “There’s the boy I knew was in there.”
“Is that a yes?”
She shakes her head and plops on the couch. “I actually have a favor to ask.”
I almost spout off an ‘Anything for you’, but the cheesy comment stops my mouth. Moving her legs off the end of the couch, I sit next to her, clasping my hand with hers.
“Okay, I know it’s uber lame, but my friends, like, they all want to go on this big group date thing. I guess now that I have a boyfriend…” She flicks her eyes to meet mine, and I smile. Hell yeah, I’m her boyfriend. “They want me to come along. Well… us to come along.”
“Sure. When?”
“That’s the thing,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder, “I know we had plans tonight already, and I’m not sure what you had in store for me, but they wanted to meet up later. Can we fit that in?”
It’s as if everythin’ freezes right there, and I’m faced with the stupid choice again. Quynn or Hayles. I always choose Hayles, but then end up feelin’ guilty as crap over ditchin’ Quynn. And I’d be doin’ it to her twice. I should’ve told her everythin’ about me and Hayles. I should’ve said it as easily as Hayley just said it. I’m her boyfriend. She’s my girlfriend.
Brody, you’re a stupid ass.
“Hayley?”
“Uh oh.” She sits up and looks me in the face. “Something’s wrong. Spill.”
I don’t lie to Hayley. I can’t. “Okay, don’t be mad though.”
There goes the cute eyebrow crinkle.
“Quynn came over earlier and asked if I’d go to Jamie’s party tonight.”
“Okay…”
“Well, I kind of ditched her last night, so I felt bad and I told her I’d go.”
Her eyebrows go from crinkle to sky high. “You had a date with Quynn last night?”
“No!” I shift on the couch and grab her face, but she wiggles out from my hold. “Seriously, Hayles, it wasn’t like that. I actually drove by your house to see if you would go with me.”
She still doesn’t relax. “Did you tell her?”
“What?”
“About us. That we’re together.”
I drop my eyes and shake my head, fingering the tatt on my wrist. “I… I tried.”
Silence. Like too long silence. She stands up, pulling the sleeves down on her hoodie.
“What does it mean?”
Her voice is soft. Not mad, not sad, just passive. And it sucks.
“What does what mean?”
She points at my wrist. “Your tattoo.”
I scratch the back of my neck, wantin’ to close the distance between me and Hayles, but I can’t. Not after this crap.
“You got it for her, didn’t you?”
Again, no anger, no sadness, just a ‘who gives a crap?’ attitude.
“It was a while ago, Hayles. It’s not for her anymore.”
“Then what does it mean?”
I finally unfreeze, close the distance between us and wrap her in my arms. She doesn’t hug me back. “They are symbols of devotion,” I whisper into her hair. “I don’t want to be like my… my real dad. I made a promise I’d never hurt someone like he hurt my mom.”
“Or like your brother hurt Quynn.”
She says it into my chest and tries to pull away. I don’t let her.
“Please, Hayles, I can’t… I just didn’t know how to…”
“You still like her.” She forces herself out of my hold. “I knew you did. And please, don’t be sorry or try to convince me that you don’t. I don’t regret anything we did. You’ve given me a lot, Brody. You’re a good… friend. And that’s all I expected from you.”
“No.” No. No. No. “You’ve got it wrong. I love you.” I see it in her eyes. She’s closin’ off. She’s disappearin’. She’s leavin’. And I can’t stop her. What do I say to stop her? To make her realize? To get her to understand? “Don’t leave. Don’t run away from this.”
Her eyes narrow, and finally some emotion erupts out of her. It’s not a good one, but at least it’s somethin’.
“Stop lying to me! Stop trying to get me to believe you’ve chosen me over her. I’m not the girl guys go after. Especially guys like you. I knew that. I knew it! And I let myself fall for you anyway. I let you convince me you were better than all of them, but you’re not. You’re the same.”
Heat shoots through my chest and I can’t take it anymore. I’m yellin’ back at her as she goes for the door. “It’s not me, Hayles. I’ve been honest. I do love you, but you won’t let me. You’re lookin’ for ways out of this ‘cause it’s easier for you. Closin’ off ‘cause you don’t want to get hurt, but you know, you’re missin’ out on somethin’ real. Me. You. Us. That’s real. Stop blamin’ me, your mom, your weight, or whatever other delusion you have about me and Quynn. You are the one who’s keepin’ us apart. Not me.”
Her eyes are watering, and I want to eat all the words I’ve just said. She sniffles and says between hitched breaths, “I… gave… you… all of me. I let you in.” She sniffs again, opens the door and steps out onto the porch. “And you can’t even tell her you’re with me. You can’t tell anyone about me. I bet your best friend doesn’t even know.” She pauses to wipe more tears from her face. Tears I wish I hadn’t put there. “You can’t let her go.”
It’s quiet between us. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Don’t know what she’s thinkin’. She’s right. She knows it. But I’m right too.
Aren’t I?
“I was telling the truth when I said I don’t regret anything between us. You gave me the best few weeks of my life. I’m glad you were my first… everything.”
She’s sayin’ goodbye. No.
No. No.
“Hayley, don’t—”
“You deserve someone who you can brag about to your friends. Someone who’s not embarrassing to be with. Someone who you want to shout out to the world you love them.” She gulps. “It’s just not me.”
Before I can argue, before I can do anythin’, she turns and leaves, huddling into the hoodie I gave her last night.
I should chase after her. That’s what they want, right? Girls always want the guy to chase them down and beg and plead to take them back.
Instead I fall on the porch steps, bury my face, and let go of the first tears I’ve ever cried over a girl.
Reason 25: When you’re pissed at me, I turn into a depressed slob who can’t stop listenin’ to that pop crap
It’s the ass room again. I did go to that party, came home and crashed on the bed and stayed there till Mom and Dad came home. It’s amazin’ how in the course of twenty-four hours, my room is stock full of dirty laundry and pizza boxes.
And I don’t give a shit.
The whole time at the party I wanted to tell Quynn. I wanted to be straight with her. I’m with Hayley. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. But the words never came out. ‘Cause I’m not with Hayles. Not anymore. Or was I ever?
So I drank myself into a stupor, and I’ve spent all day burpin’ up pizza and garlic bread, and listenin’ to Katy Perry on repeat.
“I’m never leaving you alone again.” Mom comes in and whips open the window. I groan and throw the pillow over my head. “Have you even left this room today?”
“Just to piss,” I mumble into the mattress. They took a cab home since I didn’t get my ass out of bed to pick ‘em up like I’d planned. I was goin’ to have Hayley come with me, but that was before things went to the crapper.
The pillow gets ripped off my head.
“Uh oh.” Mom goes to sit on my bed, but changes her mind when she spots a pizza slice stuck to the sheets. “Um…” She swallows back whatever chunks rose in her throat. “What happened, honey?”
Not goin’ to talk about this with my mom. So I give her a “Nothin’” and turn my face back into the mattress.
“Don’t you dare lie to me. I’d throw a tomato in your face, but right now I doubt it would do anything.”