“I haven’t been in Nicholas’ room at all today.”
I turned and walked slowly into our bedroom. I looked again in my wardrobe at the racks of my own clothes and finally pulled out a long emerald green dress with long sleeves. It was the end of summer now and some evenings were quite cold.
I put on the dress and looked at myself in the mirror. The dress was fitted and flattered my slim figure. Though I’d always gone to lots of trouble to look good for Nicholas, it was becoming more difficult as I felt more and more miserable. I would love to keep on my jeans and pretty floral summer top but Nicholas was like the English gentry and insisted on us dressing up for dinner. I’d never realised until now how strange this was for a New Zealander. His ways had excited and interested me initially, and added to his charm.
I pulled out my ponytail and brushed my hair till it shone. Though Nicholas never commented on my appearance or appeared to notice, I knew he would not be pleased with me if I slackened off from presenting myself as he liked me to be.
After dinner I began to feel tense and afraid of the coming night. Nicholas had been very attentive to me this evening. He was so good at that when it suited him. If only I could trust him and be protected by him but I knew I mustn’t trust him, I must never for a minute allow myself to trust him.
As we prepared for bed that night I didn’t even attempt to respond to his charming banter even though I could see that he was a little annoyed about something. Nicholas went straight to sleep as was his usual custom now and I read for awhile. As the time went on I could feel myself becoming more and more tense even though I was so very tired.
I fed Anna when she woke up and she was more difficult to settle than usual after this feed. Once she had gone back to sleep I climbed back into bed and tried to sleep but the events of the day so troubled me, that I tossed and turned for what seemed like most of the night. I fell into a deep sleep and slept till Anna woke me in the morning.
The next few days passed without anything eventful happening. Then one night, long after Nicholas had fallen asleep, I read till very late. I felt unsettled and troubled for some reason. At long last I felt sleepy and relaxed enough to turn off the bedside lamp on my side and go to sleep.
Later, hours later I woke suddenly in fright and lay there trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness. My heart was beating frantically and I could feel the presence of an intruder in the room but I couldn’t move. Petrified, beyond screaming for help, I lay still, mesmerised as a dark figure advanced toward me.
Cold, cold deathly hands came towards me but I still could not move. I felt the hands go around my throat, pressing, choking, and wringing the breath from my body. I tried to struggle but lost consciousness. When I came to, the first fingers of dawn had risen before me and the room was bathed in early morning light.
Nicholas lay beside me still sleeping but it was only minutes before Anna would wake and then he would wake and go get her for me to feed.
My throat was raw and bruised and I knew without looking at my neck that this had been no dream. I must get help. I must ring John before Nicholas wakes up. My life was in danger.
I crept slowly out of bed, not stopping to get my dressing gown or slippers. I crept slowly into Anna’s room. She would wake soon and I prayed she’d sleep longer. I knelt down to find the cell phone in the pile of clothes when I heard the sound of a step behind me. One minute I was kneeling before Anna’s chest of drawers, the next I felt something close over my face. No time to scream as blackness enveloped me once again.
......
I opened my eyes and slowly tried to gather my thoughts. I was in a small, dark, frightening place and I could smell the sickly smell of chloroform clinging to me. I felt nauseous and then terrified as I realised I had some kind of gag over my mouth and my hands were tied tightly, painfully behind me. Fear rose up inside me and I was terrified I was going to choke and that would kill me because of the gag. My old fear of enclosed places overwhelmed me and my memories of the time I’d been stuck in a lift with my grandmother returned. I was three years old, my grandmother was panicked and so was I as I saw the distress she was in. I had suffered from claustrophobia ever since.
I tried to fight off the terror that engulfed me and knew that if I was to survive this and see my beautiful daughter again, I would have to calm myself somehow.
I was so cold. I’d been wearing a pale blue silk nightie with long sleeves but it was not effective in keeping out the cold. I took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm down. Then I noticed a small gap between the bottom of the door and the floor so I knew air would get in and I wouldn’t suffocate as long as I could avoid hyperventilating or choking with fear. After a long time I fell asleep.
When I woke up again I was freezing and my bare feet were numb. My whole body ached from being tied up and not being able to move much. I could move slightly to change position and ease my body momentarily but this was a small space and even when I shifted position it was hard because I couldn’t support myself with my hands. I had no idea of the time and had no strength to do anything to save myself. The small amount of light from beneath the door was gone and it was darker and colder than before. I dozed on and off but never for long because of the pain and discomfort. My mouth felt so dry and sore and my throat ached. Time was suspended for me.
Occasionally I heard the sound of voices but my muffled noise behind the gag would reach nobody and who was there anyway that could help me? Apart from the odd bang I heard nothing else and no one came for me. Maybe they would leave me here to die.
My tumbled thoughts turned to Alisha. So this is where the only compulsive move of my life has led me. It seemed so long ago that I had been flatting with her and feeling safe. My life may have been empty without Don and my family but I’d been safe with Alisha. But if I hadn’t come here, Anna would not have been born and my thoughts came back to her as they’d done a thousand times before.
Nicholas loved his daughter and he’d make sure she was ok. I wondered how he would manage her feeds and how she’d take a bottle instead of breast milk. My breasts were so sore and swollen with milk and my predicament hit me again. I was sure they meant to leave me here to die.
My thoughts turned again to Nicholas. I had loved him so much, even when he seemed so cold and distant, even after all that had happened. My jumbled thoughts turned once more to my baby. Oh Anna. If I’m to die at least I had you and loved you. You must be so hungry by now. You will need me and I can’t come. I can’t come my baby girl and I want to so badly. I want to live. I want to see you grow up. Tears fell down my face and I shivered and tried not to get too upset, still so afraid I’d choke and then not be able to breathe.
Mum, Dad, Don, I miss you all so much. Maybe I’ll get to see you soon. How long ago it seemed that I’d been making plans to marry Don Halliwell. In reality it had only been three and a half years ago.
I couldn’t remember my parents’ faces very well and that scared me. Don, with you it had been laughter, love, protection and wonderful friendship. I had felt cherished by him. Don’s face came into my memory and his bright blue eyes filled with love for me. Oh Don, why did you have to die? You really loved me. We would have been so happy together. Mum, Dad, I miss you all so much. Look at me. Do you know what’s happening to me here?
Maybe we’ll be together soon. I can’t get out of this mess. The tears tickled my face but I couldn’t wipe them away and I was shivering now with cold. My nose was getting blocked and I was scared I couldn’t breathe properly and panic made me cough.
‘Oh God, O God. Help me! Help! Please help me. Please, please.’ It was a genuine plea from my heart. ‘ Jesus, Jesus.’ Don’s voice came to me then and the memory of the day we sat under a tree by the river, lying back and talking. I could even remember what he was wearing, his casual blue shirt that made his eyes bluer than ever. How relaxed and at ease we had been with each other, what close friends we were.
“Kim, some people only turn to God when th
ey’re in deep trouble, when they’re frightened, when they’ve tried everything else and failed. But to belong to Jesus, to be able to give every problem over, whether small or large to find peace when normally you’d be anxious and worried, that’s what I find so wonderful about having a personal relationship with the Lord. You can pray anytime no matter where you are, and the peace, wow!”
We had prayed together that day and I’d been so happy. It was after the funerals that I’d become all bitter and twisted. I’d never stopped believing but instead of turning to the Lord for comfort and care I’d turned away from Him, angry and devastated and wanting nothing to do with Him. Now I began to pray desperately. Despite the prospect of seeing Mum and Dad and Don if I died, I so wanted to live. Anna, Anna. I need to live for you. We need to get out of here. I prayed to the Lord and asked that no matter what happened I would not give up again. I prayed that this frightening situation would come to an end. That He would save Anna from whatever plans Nicholas had hatched up for her. I surrendered my life to Jesus.
‘ If I should die Lord take care of my baby. I know that you love her more than anyone could. But Lord I want to live but I want your will. Your will not mine.’ I felt I’d completely abandoned myself to Him and for the first time since Mum and Dad and Don had been killed, I felt His strong presence enfold me and I fell asleep.
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I awoke when the door was suddenly opened. I could not see who it was, just a dark form that emerged before me. I wasn’t even sure if it was a dream or really happening. Cold hands untied me and removed the thing from around my mouth. And then I was thrown unceremoniously back into the dark cupboard. I found my voice and screamed. I knocked on the door as hard as my numb hands could manage.
It seemed hours later but in reality it was only minutes. I’d lost all sense of time. Suddenly I heard Nicholas’ voice calling me. As I was hauled out of the cupboard I fell against him and could not speak for several minutes.
“That damn cupboard! What happened? I’ve been looking for you everywhere, ever since I got in from riding and Janet said you had not been around all day. Anna’s beside herself.” I looked up at him and saw concern and gentleness on his face and his dark eyes looked into mine and did not waver.
“I was tied up and pushed in there Nicholas. Someone did this!”
“Nonsense Kim, that door needs repairing. It’s meant to close slowly but the air valve is broken and it has a habit of closing on its own and then you can’t open it from the inside. See, it’s where I keep my riding gear behind that shelf. I’ve been stuck in there myself and had to call Janet to let me out. I promise I’ll get it attended to immediately. Oh darling, you’re so cold. You must have been so frightened.”
I knew it was useless to say anything more. From now on I would never believe a word he said. Nicholas was the perfect liar. He was able to put a mask over his face as he chose and could look you in the eye and still lie. He could seem so sincere and charming but I knew the truth about him and now accepted the fact that our marriage was truly at an end.
He had his arm gently around my shoulder and he led me upstairs into the nursery where a hungry and fretful Anna lay wailing for her feed. As I picked her up and put her to the breast she stopped wailing and her enraged cry became a loud sucking noise. Occasionally a deep sob came from her as she drank but after I’d held her and kissed her gradually her eyes closed and apart from the odd pitiful sob that came from deep within her, she was none the worse for her intense hunger, as far as I could tell.
Nicholas had draped a warm cashmere shawl around me while I fed Anna and he had then sat on the bed and watched us intensely. I wanted him to go but said nothing. I was shivering with the cold and after a while he got up to run a warm bath for me. When he returned he stood in the doorway of the nursery, still watching us.
“You know, Kim, I’m very concerned about you. Noises in the night, imagining things that are not in actual fact happening.”
“I’m all right, Nicholas. Don’t concern yourself about me.”
“I’m just going to make a few business calls. I’ll ask Janet to make you a snack to have while you get warm in the bath. You haven’t stopped shaking. You look terribly exhausted.”
“What’s the time? I didn’t get round to putting on my watch this morning.” My voice was almost sarcastic in tone but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Seven-fifteen pm.” I nodded and made no comment. He turned to go out of the room. I caught him looking at me with a disturbed frown on his face, a long searching look that I could not interpret.
He walked downstairs. After a time I heard his study door slam. I walked back into the nursery and searched for the cell phone. It had gone.
Chapter Ten
I opened my eyes and gazed unseeingly at the ceiling. The whole room seemed tilted, I felt desperately tired and yet I knew I must get up. Anna’s hungry cry became more insistent. I put my feet out of bed and dragged my body upwards. It was such an effort that though I was cold I didn’t bother getting my dressing gown on over my thin nightie. My body and feet felt separated from my head and whatever I wanted to do seemed difficult, as though the signals from my brain took too long to reach my limbs. I managed to get myself to the bassinette and reached for my baby. The bassinette was empty.
“Anna, Anna. Oh God what’s happening to me,” I cried aloud, not even intending to. “I can hear you. Where are you? Oh God I feel so tired and so cold.” I whimpered aloud now. My baby’s cry had retreated down the corridor but I could hear her clearly. I walked very carefully down the long dark hall, clutching at the walls, knowing I would fall if I did not. Desperation and fear for Anna gave me the ability to keep going. The cry came from Mrs Williams’ sitting room.
I knocked but there was no reply. Anna’s cry definitely came from there. I tried the door and it opened immediately. Mrs Williams sat holding Anna trying to persuade her to take a bottle. The baby had refused and her cries were pitiful.
“Mrs Williams! What do you think you’re doing?” Anger made me brave. She may have treated me like a rank outsider but no one was going to take Anna.
“Nicholas asked me to feed her. You were asleep, she was starving, it’s as simple as that. It is ten o’clock you know.” Her cold grey eyes were reproachful.
“Ten? It can’t be.” My eyes searched the walls and I saw by the old grandfather clock it was indeed ten o’clock. “I’ll have her back thanks. She doesn’t take a bottle.” I held out my arms and Mrs Williams reluctantly gave Anna to me. I hugged her close and Anna stopped crying for a moment but then her hungry cry came again.
“Where’s Nicholas?”
“At the stables. He said he’d be back this evening.”
I turned and carried my crying baby back into my bedroom. Anna took my breast immediately, nuzzling greedily and fed, almost choking in her hunger. I felt my eyes begin to close as I fed her and I had to keep them open by consciously rubbing them with my free hand.
I didn’t feel right. Something was wrong. Anna’s eyes closed. When she’d fed I pushed myself to change her. She was generally a happy little girl who smiled often. Her hair was auburn like mine with dark eyes like Nicholas. Her lashes were long and she had a small pert nose that when she smiled gave her a slightly impish look. She grizzled fretfully as I changed her and I held her until she finally fell asleep.
I put her down to sleep in her bassinette. She was exhausted from all the crying. How could I have left her so long? I was an early riser. My eyes closed of their own accord and I went back to my bedroom and lay down on the unmade bed.
Chapter Eleven
The rain was heavy and everything seemed dark. The dark panelled walls made the room seem unfriendly and imprisoning to me. Yesterday I’d heard the sounds of birds outside the house and I envied them their freedom. The incredible tiredness washed over my body in waves.
Nicholas had told me I was unwell with some kind of virus I’d picked up. B
ut I didn’t feel ill, just weary, so very weary. Anna was fretful and I wanted to keep awake to feed her properly but Nicholas had said I mustn’t keep feeding her as she may get ill too.
“I’ll feed her Kimberley,” he had said and he’d been gentle and kind and hovered about me. He even brought me endless cups of coffee and tea. I was so thirsty but had no appetite. I left the food he brought me largely untouched.
“I want to see Anna,” I said through a haze of tiredness.
“You must not darling. You don’t want her to catch any bugs.” And I had agreed, too weary to argue.
When I looked around me the room was hazy. When I spoke I’m sure my words were slurred. When I heard Anna crying the sound was always through a haze of murmured voices.
When Nicholas came in with Milo, late that night he was charming and seemed anxious about me.
“I’ve moved my things into one of the guest rooms so I won’t disturb you.”
“I feel so tired. I feel so strange.”
“Peter Trinette is staying here tomorrow. I’ll get him to have a look at you. I’m very worried about you.”
“No, not him Nicholas. Please, please take me to a doctor!”
“He’s a fully trained doctor. You can trust him Kimberley.”
I closed my eyes, too tired to argue. Still the rain continued incessantly. I knew in my heart that I needed to take my baby and leave quickly before it was too late but I could not stay awake. I could not get sufficient strength to do it. I fell asleep again.
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The rain was easing off into a drizzle and the sun was watery but waiting determinedly in the wings to shine through the dark clouds. The gardens were a riot of colour and the - surrounding lawns - were a brilliant green, as if the rain had shaken off the layers of dust and dirt.
I closed the curtain again and lay back on my bed. I heard Anna crying out in the hall but was unable to pull my tired body into action. I heard Nicholas and Mrs Williams talking as they walked past my closed bedroom door.
Beyond the Mask Page 6