by Sara Arden
“I really want you to pick me up and carry me upstairs. I want you to make the rest of the world disappear, and I want to feel something good. And I don’t want to lose my best friend in the process. Can I have that?”
He closed the distance between them and swung her up in his arms easily. He loved carrying her, loved the feel of her in his arms.
She wrapped an arm around her his neck and she trembled.
“I’m nervous, too,” he said.
“You don’t seem like it. It seems like you’re in absolute control.”
“I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous.” He rested his forehead against hers and then let that magnetism that drew them together do as it would.
He hadn’t even kissed her and she’d invited him to take her upstairs.
She put her hand against his cheek and drew his lips close to her own. “I’ve never done this with anyone but Ben.”
As much as it killed him to ask, he didn’t want her to regret this. “Are you sure you want this with me, then?”
“We’ve come too far to turn back.”
“No, we haven’t. You can always say no.”
“I don’t want to say no. I don’t want to turn back. I can’t. I think we can only go forward, whatever that means.”
With that, he kissed her and knew she was right.
He couldn’t go back now. Only forward. Only up those stairs with her in his arms. No matter what it meant for their future.
7
She spent the day and that night making love to Royce Cole.
How, in any universe, had that happened?
If not for that soreness in places she dare not mention, she wouldn’t believe it was real. She stretched in the bed next to him and he rolled over. “If we don’t get something to eat, I might die.”
Livie wasn’t ready for their idyll to be over. “Pizza?”
“Yeah, that sounds great. From that new place that just opened? They’ve got a pretzel crust.”
“God, yes. Pepperoni and extra cheese?”
“And extra pepperoni. And sausage.” He seemed to consider. “Bacon, too.”
“Well, why not ham?”
“Yeah, okay.” He fumbled on the floor for his pants and pulled out his wallet.
“My treat. You just get to go downstairs and get it. I don’t want to leave the bed.”
“I can live with that.” He rolled onto his back. “The longer I can keep you in this bed, the better.”
“Oh, look. They have an app, all modern and stuff. I can order pizza without peopling. That’s a win in my book.”
“Works for me.”
She ordered the pizza and wondered how long they could actually stay in bed. It had been the most incredible sex of her life. He knew exactly where he was going and how to get there.
“So next weekend, do you think you can get some staff to cover the bar?”
“Maybe. Do you have big plans?”
“Actually, I thought we could go to the Ozarks with Sophie and Hayden. There’s this great ziplining tour I know you’d love.”
She hadn’t been out of Ember Lake in so long. It seemed like all she did was work at the bar and scrape out an existence.
Going away for the weekend was so close to relationship territory, but she couldn’t bring herself to say no. After all, if he’d asked her before this happened between them, she’d have said yes.
“I’m pretty sure I can. I’d love to.”
“Good. I’ll book it.”
She sighed and allowed herself to live in the moment. To breathe it in. For the first time in she didn’t know how long, she was relaxed. She could breathe. Livie felt like she was a person away from all the responsibility on her shoulders.
“Thank you, Royce.”
He kissed the back of her hand and held it to his chest.
And she thought again, how did I get here?
It was impossible, really.
His breathing was slow, and even, and she wasn’t sure if he’d fallen back asleep. She was suddenly terrified because she could see herself getting used to this. She could see all of her tomorrows right here, next to him.
He squeezed her hand. “Everything’s okay.”
“Is it?” Thinking about a future with him, that wasn’t allowed. That wasn’t okay.
“I think it is. What’s going on in that pretty head?”
She didn’t want to tell him. “Just processing, I guess.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“No.” She laughed. “I worked you too hard and now I have to feed you before you go anywhere.”
“This is new for both of us. The only way we’re going to get what we want is to be honest. That’s the only way we’ll get to stay friends.”
“What…” She wasn’t sure how to articulate her question.
“Are my expectations? We’re going to do this for a while. It’s going to be good. It’s going to be really good, but then you’re going to sell the bar and move away from Ember Lake. From me. It’ll be okay, because I want you to be happy.”
That was exactly what she had planned. So why did it feel so ugly when he said it out loud?
“I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty. Does that make sense?”
“About Ben? I don’t, but then again, I wasn’t married to him.”
“You don’t feel guilty at all?”
“No and neither should you. He’s gone. You’re still here. You grieved for him. It’s not like you fell into bed with everyone right after his funeral. You know what, even if you did, if that’s what you needed to cope, it’s no one’s place to judge you.”
She squeezed his hand tighter.
Livie could admit that she was in all kinds of trouble. What would she ever do without him? She hadn’t actually given that any real thought. In the abstract, it was okay. It was a solution to the problem of her intense attachment.
But could she really let go of him? Especially now that they had this?
She had to, she told herself. It was like excising a gangrenous limb. It was part of her, a vital part, but it had to go for her own survival.
“We’re the same people we were before this happened,” he reassured her.
But she wasn’t so sure.
Everything was different.
Or at least, she was.
His phone rang, and her gut sank. She just knew it was some kind of emergency and it was going to take him away from her. Just like Ben.
A cold wash of guilt hit her. Why was she such a selfish troll? Royce may have been Ben’s friend, but he wasn’t the same person. Not by a long shot.
He picked it up. “It’s Hayden. Let me make sure it’s not an emergency.” He answered. “What’s up?”
She was torn between being glad he was the kind of man who always answered his phone for the people he loved and wishing she was important enough to him that he didn’t.
“No, I’m about to have some pizza. Yes, with Livie. Yes. Yes. No. Tell her to email them. Tonight? I don’t know. Let me see what Liv’s plans are.” He put his hand over the phone. “Dinner at Soph’s?”
Another relationship milestone and she didn’t want to say no. “Okay.”
“Yeah, she’s in. I’ve gotta go. Yep. Yes. Uh-huh. Hanging up now.” He put his phone back on the nightstand. “I think I was supposed to ask you about dinner tonight earlier. Fail.”
She realized even though he’d answered the phone, he was still holding her hand. Still there with her.
Livie wanted to curl into him, but the doorbell rang.
“Could the pizza be that fast?”
“We were probably the first order of the day, so maybe.”
He pulled his jeans on and padded down the stairs. When he returned, he was carrying a steaming pizza box.
“Breakfast in bed?”
“Definitely.”
They ate in companionable silence right out of the box. Her head was full of questions, full of what ifs, all ready and waiting to spill out o
f her mouth. Only she didn’t want to ruin these moments because they were damn near perfect.
There would be plenty of time for questions and doubts.
“Almost forgot, check your email when you’ve got a chance. Shondra sent Erin some proofs. That was part of why Hayden called. They’re unedited, but she wanted her to get a general feel for the finished product.”
She grabbed her own phone and pulled up her email, seeing a couple from Erin, tapped on them.
“Wow.” She pulled her bottom lip up between her teeth. Livie felt like a voyeur looking at some of the pictures of herself and Royce together. It was like that woman wasn’t even her. Except the chemistry between them leapt off the screen.
It turned her on.
She handed her phone to Royce. “Look.”
He grinned. “That’s pretty hot.”
Livie’s face flushed. “It was so obvious. Everyone knows.”
“Everyone knew already, sweetheart. I think, except for us. And if they couldn’t tell by the way we were looking at each other, when you said to come over after the shoot…”
“I’m mortified.”
“Why? We’re adults.” He took another bite of pizza. “Plus, I don’t think anyone else actually heard you. I just wanted to make you blush again.”
“Great. My embarrassment rocks your world?” she teased.
“Yeah, maybe. Could be I just like pink.”
“Really? So, maybe we should repaint your truck pink?”
“If you want.” He shrugged. “You have to let me pick the shade, though. I want it to match the color in your cheeks after the things I do to you in the back of it.”
She hadn’t thought she’d still be so blushy and giggly after the day and night they’d just spent together, exploring, loving. Doing everything to each other it was possible to do with a lover. Yet, here she was, cheeks warm and pink.
“Yeah, that’s the color right there.”
“What if I wanted to make you blush?” she asked.
“If you’ll look at that picture again, I’m pretty sure you’ll see that you did.” He leaned over and kissed her. “I’m going to grab a shower and then I have some errands I have to do before tonight.”
“What’s on your plate?” She tried not to sound bereft that he was leaving.
“Just fixing Grammie’s fence. Her neighbor’s husky keeps barreling through to get at the blossoms on the apple tree. He’s been doing it forever. She keeps trying to bribe him with a cut of the apples once they’re ripe, but that dog loves the blossoms. Always eats the bottom half. Or really, anything he can reach. Then I have to see if I can bribe Mom for some red velvets to take to Hayden’s tonight. It’s all pretty boring. You can come if you want.”
She didn’t know that she was ready to face Grammie and Allison after what had just happened. It wasn’t like she felt she’d done anything wrong, but she felt like they could see straight through to her bones. What they’d see there wasn’t something she was proud of. That she’d let this roller coaster ride with Royce start, even though she had every intention of hitting the brakes.
That, and she felt like she was being needy. She wanted too much from him.
So she said, “No, but thanks. If I’m going with you next weekend, I need to get the bar taken care of so I’m not trying to deal with things while we’re gone.”
He dropped a kiss on her forehead and headed for the shower.
Livie laid back on the pillow and looked at the space where he’d lain next to her. The bed smelled like him. She pulled his pillow to her and curled up with it.
She’d bought a new bed after Ben’s death. Something about lying there alone, in that space they’d used to share had seemed so wrong.
Briefly, she wondered if she’d be shopping for a new bed again after this was over. Or worse, after she’d lost Royce to another hero’s death.
Jesus, but she was morbid. She hated that her brain did these things. Why she couldn’t just allow herself to bask in the wonderful now.
Because it was pretty wonderful.
She must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, it was late afternoon and Royce was long gone.
Livie hadn’t slept so well in… she couldn’t remember when. She’d never felt like it was okay to go back to sleep in the middle of the day. There was too much to do. Too much on her shoulders.
Somehow, Royce made it okay.
Royce made it so she could breathe.
She stretched and made her way to the shower where she found a sticky note to pressed to the mirror.
See you at six.
There was a single Hershey Kiss taped to it, no doubt from her stash in the nightstand. It was sweet and thoughtful.
She popped the kiss in her mouth and turned on the hot water. Livie found herself searching for other evidence of his presence, but he’d left everything just as he’d found it. The only clues were the kiss and one of her disposable razors in the trash.
He was the kind of man who shaved to go see his Grammie.
It didn’t get any more All-American good guy than Royce Cole.
He’d even hung up the towel.
She let the hot water wash over her and soothe her sore body. It felt so good. A hot shower was one of the simple pleasures she realized she’d forgotten she enjoyed. It had become another thing on her to-do list.
Everything today was different.
Her pizza tasted better.
The sun was brighter.
She’d gotten better rest.
The only thing that was different was Royce.
Except that wasn’t okay, was it? Not just because she’d come to depend on him, but because she knew that wasn’t healthy. Tying up her joy in another person. She knew she had to find happiness in herself first, but she didn’t know how.
Maybe that’s what was at the root of everything. She didn’t know who she was anymore.
The Livie she had been never would’ve said what she had to Royce at the bar, invited him back to her house for sex.
Then again, the Livie she had been never would’ve had sex with Royce.
And what a shame that would’ve been.
It was time to live again.
It was time to find out who she was and what she wanted. It was time to dream again.
So what if her dreams had died with Ben? She hadn’t. It was time to let go of them and find another dream.
She knew what she didn’t want, but what about what she did want? Livie knew it was time to figure that out.
Floating aimlessly and using Royce as a life preserver wasn’t fair to either of them.
With renewed purpose, she finished her shower and got ready for the evening with Sophie and Hayden.
8
“Ma!” he called, walking into the house that smelled like heaven. Or in actuality, just red velvet cupcakes.
“Yes, firstborn?” she answered him. “I’m in here frosting those cupcakes.”
“You’re a saint of the highest echelon.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere.”
“Livie has said it’s a sin that I smell like cupcakes, so if you really want to push this matchmaking scheme, just keep baking.”
“That’ll put me in the kitchen for at least a week. I’ll have to keep you stocked up for when your dad and I take our trip.”
“Are you actually going?” They’d talked about going on vacation all the time, but kept putting it off.
“Yes. You and Hayden will just have to survive without us.”
He grinned at his mom and hugged her. “That’s good, Mama. You and Dad need to take some time for yourselves.”
“And stop meddling in your life?” she prompted with a pointed look.
“Not at all. I know you guys pounced on Livie in the kitchen like a cat toy, but Hayden seems to think you know what you’re doing.”
“Eh, maybe a little bit.” She offered him a finished cupcake.
He eyed it. “I don’t know. Once I get started…
”
“Double batch, sweet son, because I know you so well.” She pushed it at him again.
“Yes, an angel.” He took the cupcake and peeled the wrapper back slowly. It was one of his favorite things.
“So, if I can ask for an update.” She nudged him. “You’re taking her to dinner at your brother’s tonight.”
“Yes.”
“Yes? That’s it? Yes? Come on, I need more than that.” She raised a brow. “I earned more than that, didn’t I, with my impromptu rush baking?”
He laughed. “Ma, when I have some progress worth sharing, I’ll let you know.” He supposed he could give her a kernel. “We’re going away over the weekend with Hayden and Sophie to the Ozarks to do some ziplining, maybe some cave exploration.”
“That’s wonderful news. You know how much I’ve always loved Livie.”
Yeah, me too. But he didn’t say it, he didn’t have to. His mother knew him pretty well.
“It’s nice that you’re taking your brother and Sophie, too. I’m glad that you’re friends. You’re forced to be family, but you don’t have to be friends.”
“Hayden and I both know how lucky we are.”
She handed him another cupcake and he didn’t fight it. “I’ll call Grammie and update her. I know she’d like to hear how her master plans are progressing.”
“Already did. I stopped by and fixed her fence today.”
“Did Roy bust through again? Are there any apples left on the tree?”
“A few, but Hayden and I are going to have to pick them for her. Correction, we’re going to have to magically figure out when she wants them and beat her to it, or she’s going to climb that tree and break a hip.”
Allie waved off son’s concern. “It’s fine. It keeps her young. I hope I’m still climbing trees when I’m her age.”
“God, Mom. I hope not. I don’t want you to climb any trees now.”
“Your dad is one year older than me, and he still climbs trees to save kittens. I can do anything he can do.”
“Well, he shouldn’t.”
“Would you like to tell him that?” Allie arched a brow.
“Definitely not.” Royce laughed. “My life at the station would get that much harder. I don’t need that. I’m trying to secure your grandchildren, so you’d best not impede me.”