I was nervous and excited to see him tonight. I didn’t want to allow myself hope that this was anything other than dinner and conversation. Although, I would welcome more. Much more.
*****
I saw him before he saw me. Alex was standing outside of the restaurant, one hand resting in the pocket of his dark dress slacks while he ran the other hand through his hair while looking down at his shoes. If I had known any better, I would have said he was nervous. I feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. Maybe this night would turn out better than I had hoped.
His eyes light up as soon as he sees me, and as he steps forward, a grin on his face reminds me of the other Alex. The one who could steal my breath away with just one look.
“Hi.” We both say in unison and then laugh.
“Come on.” He gestures to the entrance with a nod of his head. As I step forward, he places a hand on the small of my back as he guides me inside. I love the way his touch feels so much that I have to resist the shiver that has crept its way up my spine.
During dinner we talk about the girls, our families, mutual friends and his new position at work. Even though things had fallen apart between us, life still continues. When we finish our meals we sit in comfortable silence, slowly sipping our wine. I decide that now is as good a time as any to lay my cards out.
“Alex, there are so many things I want to say to you.”
“About?”
“About what happened…that night.” My voice lowers to a whisper as the memories cause an unexpected squeeze in my chest, but I knew I needed to push through and continue. I focused my gaze on my wine glass as I rolled the stem back and forth with my thumb and forefinger.
“I didn’t sleep with him. I never slept with him. I made a stupid decision that has destroyed our lives. I was angry, and I took things to the extreme. If I could press rewind and take it all back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I now know that I should have tried harder to fix things between us. Justin came at a time of weakness, and I let myself be pulled away from you. Away from us. I will always regret that.”
I finally allowed myself to look at his face. The hurt in his eyes was visible, and it never seemed to go away completely. I hated that I was the reason for that, but this time it was much more evident.
“I’ve always loved you, Court,” He stated quietly. “But we can’t change what happened. What you proved to me is that you are capable of having an affair. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t actually have sex. It’s the secrets and lying. I don’t think I can allow myself to trust you. You destroyed me, and I can’t risk feeling that again.”
My throat grew tighter and tighter with each word because I knew he only spoke the truth, and I had no defense.
“I guess there is no easy way to tell you, I think, but you deserve to hear it from me in person.” Deep breath, Court. “I’m seeing someone.” I would have been more prepared for a giant mechanical arm to fall from the sky and carry me away than I was for what Alex just told me.
“You’re seeing someone.” I repeat quietly, my words are not a question but a statement.
“I’ve known her for a few months and we’ve been out a couple of times.” He paused and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Fuck, Court. It is so awkward to be saying this to you.”
“Not as awkward as it is to hear it.” I mumble.
“I never thought there would be anyone else but you.” He says quietly. I nod only because I don't trust my voice. I sit there is shock for what seems like an eternity. What do I say? A million things are going through my head. I don’t want him with someone else. I can’t stand the thought of him with someone else. I could make a scene. I could stand up and beg him to choose me instead. I could scream at the top of my lungs that I don’t want her anywhere near my kids. I could demand that my girls are never in her presence. But do I have a right to? I know that Alex loves those girls and would never do anything that would harm them, or that wouldn't be in their best interest. I could behave like an adult and not push him away with my reactions. I could continue to build his trust in me. Forever is a long time, and that’s how long he will be in my life. I want him there. I need him there. What I can do is hate her. I don’t even know her, but I hate her. Wait. Do I know her?
“What’s her name and where do you know her from?” I’m surprised at how calm my voice sounds even though my insides are ripping apart. I see something that kind of looked like disappointment flash in his eyes. Was he expecting a fight? Why would he be disappointed? Focus on one thing at a time, Court. Alex cleared his throat, and it brought me out of my thoughts.
“Kim. Her name is Kim.” I have never cared for the name Kim. “She’s a friend of Morrison’s fiance, Krystal. We met a couple months back at their engagement party.” I couldn’t help but show surprise at Morrison getting engaged. A divorce lawyer who is getting married. I found the irony in that amusing.
“Wow. Seeing somebody, huh?” I reply not able to keep the somberness out of my tone.
“Yeah.” he says as he studies be before adding, “We...are...uh...taking things...slow.” I saw a flush of embarrassment color his cheeks.
“Hey, no need to explain.” I worked hard at sounding nonchalant. “You don’t owe me any details. All I ask is that you are careful about introducing anyone you are dating to the girls.”
“Of course.” He instantly agrees.
“I promise to do the same.” I watch his head snap back as if I’d punched him before he collected himself. I felt a lot of satisfaction at knowing that the idea of me moving on was just as painful for him as it is for me.
“Yeah.” He responds quickly before signaling for the waiter to pay the check.
We exit the restaurant with hearts heavier than when we first entered.
Divorce sucks.
*****
“It has been nine months, Court. You knew this day would come eventually.”
“Whose side are you on, Dee?”
“I’m on your side. Always on your side. Tonight was just confirmation that he has moved on and so should you.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Unfortunately, babe, you don’t have a choice in that matter.”
I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. I called Dee on my way home from the restaurant and told her about our conversation and what he told me about this Kim person he is seeing.
“Look Court. I love you, and I know you are going to be fine. You are still young. You’re hot. You can have your choice of men.”
“But I love Alex and it took me fucking things up to know that I didn’t want anyone else but him. I don’t think I can allow myself to love anyone else.”
“Who said anything about love? You’re thirty-three years old. Go have some fun. Find a rich man, maybe a kinky one who will tie you up like Anastasia Steele. Worry about all that love bullshit later.” I couldn’t help myself from giggling at her Fifty Shades of Grey reference. I forgot that my heart was cracking into a million pieces just for a moment until I pulled up to the house I once shared with the love of my life. The dark windows confirm the loneliness waiting inside for me.
“Oh DeeDee. It hurts.”
“I know, babe. I know it does.”
Chapter Twenty Three
Present.
I used to think there weren’t very many things worse than being divorced from the man you love, besides anything involving death of course, but I was wrong. Meeting your ex-soulmate’s new girlfriend and not being able to find a solid reason to dislike her is a million times worse. Besides the mandatory feeling of hating her because she’s with Alex, and I’m not, I can’t find much to dislike about her, and believe me I tried.
After the “break it to me gently” dinner Alex and I had a few weeks ago, it didn’t take long before he introduced her to the girls. Olivia and Jordyn came bounding into the house full of stories involving how awesome “Miss Kimmie” is.
Yes, she goes b
y Kimmie.
“Mama, Miss. Kimmie knows a real life princess!” Interesting.
“Mommy, Miss. Kimmie’s favorite color is pink just like mine.” Figures.
“Mama! Miss. Kimmie said that we could go for a ride on her horse next time it’s our turn to go to Dada’s.”
Mother fuck!
I could not have been more disappointed in Alex’s rebound choice.
Yes, I’m going with rebound as the excuse for this relationship. I mean come on. Let’s tick off all of the reasons. Her name is Kimmie. Is she five? She’s somehow acquainted with a real life princess. Like I believe that. She rides horses. Well, I actually do like horses, so whatever. Her favorite color is pink and in the pastel spectrum I presume. Really? Is she a fucking Barbie? I bet she’s blonde, a natural blonde. I wonder if her horses are also pink. She probably has a unicorn too. Maybe she farts magic, and she sings to mice and little blue birds.
Dee and I made a whole night out of discussing the possibilities.
We could not have been further from the truth.
Jordyn was having her 4th birthday party and insisted that Miss. Kimmie be invited. After all, it was a princess party and Miss. Kimmie had promised to bring her princess friend.
I decided to not be “that girl” and make a big deal out of it. It was Jordyn’s party, and it wasn’t about me. Like it or not, Kimmie was in our lives, or at least for right now anyway.
“Daddy and Miss. Kimmie are here!” Liv jumps off the counter and sprints to the door as she sees Alex’s car pull up to the house. My heart felt like lead in my chest, and I began to feel a little bit nauseous. I couldn’t believe this was about to happen. A hand squeezes my shoulder, and I turned to see Dee behind me with a reassuring smile.
“It’s going to be fine.” I nod at her and turn back to arranging the cupcakes with pink frosting and little tiaras into the three-tiered stand. “You look hot by the way.” She winks before running after little Luke. I went with one of my favorite floral maxi dresses. It fits well up top, enhancing my cleavage, but not to the point of being inappropriate for a child’s birthday party. I felt good, I know I had lost some weight, mainly due to stress but I've been paying better attention to what I am eating, too.
“They’re here!” Jordyn squeals as she pulls on the hand of a pretty brunette with big blue eyes. Instead of the Stepford Wives look I was expecting, she was wearing a simple pair of jeans and a shimmery white racer back tank that showed off an awesome half sleeve tattoo on her right arm.
“Mommy, this is Miss. Kimmie.”
Fuck me.
I quickly plastered on a fake smile.
Be graceful. Make her wonder why you're not being bitchy. Disarm her.
“Kim, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Courtney.” I start to put out my hand to shake hers, but that would be too much. Instead, I go with a floppy wave. She beams back at me, clearly relieved that I didn’t bite her head off.
“Hi Courtney. Please call me Kimmie. Everyone does.” I nod at her before she turns to introduce a stunning dark-skinned woman next to her. “This is my best friend, Elle.” Elle steps forward and greets me.
“It’s so nice to meet you Courtney. You have a lovely home. Thank you for having us.” So stinking polite the pair of them. This whole sweet exchange was making my stomach hurt.
“Mama, Miss Elle is a princess.” I glance down at Jordyn, who is clutching Elle’s hand, before looking at my guest. “Really?” I say with genuine enthusiasm. Elle nods.
“My father is king a of small island off the coast of Africa, but it’s an old family title and really just a formality. So technically, I am a princess. I can assure you it’s nowhere near as glamorous as Jordyn and Olivia seem to think.”
I had to choose my words carefully because I wasn’t sure how these things worked. I detected a slight accent when Elle spoke, but it was clear she’d been in the States for some time. She also had a tattoo on her inner wrist. Clearly, Kimmie and Elle liked their ink.
“Did you go to school in the U.S., Elle?”
“Yes, I have family in New York City. I used to visit America often when I was a child and eventually went to NYU. That’s where I met Kimmie. We’ve been best buds ever since.”
“Well, that’s great.” I decided I was done with the Kimmie and Elle show. I knew that Elle and Kimmie were speaking, but I didn’t hear a word of it, though I nodded as if I was listening. I glanced behind them to see that Alex was looking at me, studying me. He then spoke and snapped me out of my trance. “Hey,” He spoke to the two women. “There’s Cole. Let’s head out back.”
“Do you need help with anything, Courtney?” Kimmie asks sweetly. I started to say no before she began speaking and totally blocked my attempt at refusal. “Oh, you still have all of these cupcakes to set up. Oh, and that fruit still needs to be sliced.” Before I knew it, Kimmie, Elle and I were moving in perfect sync in the kitchen as they helped me with the last minute preparations before all the guests arrived. As much as I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t. I even found myself laughing with them.
Damn it. I would totally hang out with these two. I could see what Alex saw in her. She was beautiful, not overdone but natural and simple. She was nice, and it was clear she had a big heart. She and Elle talked about the summers she spent in Elle’s country teaching English to the children. Kimmie was fluent in Elle’s native language, too, because sometimes Elle would ask her to help translate a word for her into English. We soon found out that we had all read the latest book craze about a hot billionaire. I was actually having fun and that pissed me off. I could also tell that they weren’t doing this to impress me. This was who they were. Awesome people.
And that hurt.
A fucking lot.
You always think you are the best someone has ever had. What happens when it looks like they’ve found even better.
After the party, there was a bit of a lull in the activities. While the remaining kids were running around in the backyard, I decided to clean up what I could. Dee was having a conversation with Elle, clearly fascinated by whatever the topic was, so I caught her eye and indicated for her to keep an eye on the kids while I went inside to clean up.
I heard low murmurs in the kitchen as I round the corner. What I saw stopped me dead in my tracks. Alex was leaning against the counter with one hand resting on Kimmie’s hip as she leaned next to him, their faces only a few inches from each other as he stared down at her with a lazy smile. The same smile that used to be for me. He whispered something to her, and she giggled.
God, that felt like a kangaroo kick to the cooch.
He suddenly sensed my presence and his eyes immediately found mine. I saw a flash of guilt as he quickly stood up and stepped away from Kimmie. She followed as she turned to me with a bright smile. “Here let me help you.” She grabbed the items in my hand and went to start loading the dishwasher. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing over at Alex. I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes. I was shocked to see the sadness on his face as he whispered. “Sorry,” then walked past me and out of the kitchen.
*****
“It’s my own fault. I deserve everything that is happening to me.”
The party is over, and the girls wanted to have a sleepover with Dee’s boys. The kids are all upstairs fast asleep after a day full of cake and bouncy houses. Dee and I are sitting in my backyard finishing off the last of the wine from the party.
“I mean it, Dee. This is exactly what I get.” I take a large gulp of my glass before slumping back down on my lounger.
“Court. You can’t beat yourself up forever. Yes, you made a mistake, but you don’t deserve to walk in on your ex-husband and his new girlfriend making goo-goo eyes at each other. In your own damn house.”
“And she’s fucking perfect. She’s gorgeous and nice. Hell, my own kids love her already. I fucked up, Dee. I fucked up so bad.”
“Court…”
“No. No, I have nobody to blame but myself. I did this. I fucking di
d this to myself. I made a bad choice, and I’m paying for it. My God, am I paying for it.” I reached over and poured more wine. “I bet he’s fucking her right now.”
“Courtney, stop!” Dee sits up from her lounger to face me. “You have to let this go. If you don’t, you're going to make yourself sick. Don’t do this anymore, okay? You can’t change what happened.” I remain silent, and I let my head roll from side to side, as I writhe in agony.
“It hurts, Dee. It physically hurts to think about him being happy with her. I am a selfish bitch. I don’t want him to be happy with anyone else but me. I can’t help it. I’ll never be okay with him moving on.”
“Honey, he has moved on and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. This is your life. This is it. You are a divorced thirty-three year-old woman. But listen to me,” she grabs my face to stop it from rolling around and forces me to look at her. “You are beautiful. Kimmie’s got nothing on you.” I snort and try to pull my head away. “No listen, you deserve happiness, too. Life goes on. Your life must go on.” My mind wanders to all the people I know who have divorced and remarried. Is it possible to find love again? God, the ache in my chest intensifies.
“Will I ever stop feeling like this?” I ask.
“Of course you will. In fact,” Dee releases my face finally and lifts one of her expertly sculpted eyebrows. “I’m going to set you up on a date. I know just the guy, too!” She claps her hands giddily, clearly pleased with herself.
“What? No, nononono. No dates.”
“Yes.” She says with finality.
“No.” I reply with the same tone.
“Yes.” She repeats.
“Why?”
“Because it will be fun.”
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