by Jack Ford
‘I don’t know.’
‘Okay, look. How about this? I’ll stay here, Thomas. If it gets you to go back home, then alrighty. I don’t know about Maddie, because I think she needs to go back, but I’ll carry on. Find out what needs to be found out, and I’ll keep you informed. When it’s all settled with Jackson, and you’ve had a few days’ break, then maybe you can come back. I’ll keep Granger sweet, give him some bull. It works every time. The border of Rwanda isn’t too far from here so you can fly almost directly from Kigali to DC. It’ll take you less than twenty-four hours. What do you say, Thomas?’
The emotion cut at the back of Cooper’s throat. He stared at the ground, not trusting himself not to cry. But eventually he spoke, looking directly at Rosedale. ‘I say thank you, and yes… Yes.’
Rosedale chuckled. ‘Oh don’t thank me, boy, thank whatever strange and weird forces are at play here.’
79
Cooper stood looking out across the tree-lined neighborhood of Bethesda, Maryland, just northwest of the United States capital of Washington DC, in a private cubicle on the ICU, with the critical care monitors bleeping in the background.
The Walter Reed National Military Medical Center was the starkest of contrasts to where he’d just been. Since he’d landed at the international arrivals building of Dulles airport late last night, memories of the DRC seemed unreal now, reminiscent of half-forgotten dreams.
He turned to stare at Jackson in the hospital bed. He looked almost as white as the crisp cotton sheets he lay in. Wires and tubes trailed neatly to medical machines, and numerical read-outs constantly refreshed as various colored lines traced rhythmically and relentlessly across display screens. A blue plastic pipe held in Jackson’s mouth was tied round his neck, held in place by white tapes. His chest lifted and fell. Lifted and fell. A respirator breathing into him. Breathing for him.
The nurse who’d been checking Jackson’s obs was now facing Cooper, smiling. ‘Hi, my name’s Rosie. I’m Jackson’s nurse today, if there’s anything you want to ask, please feel free.’
Cooper said nothing. Barely gave a smile back. Slipped off his jacket. Sat down on the single hard seat and casually and vaguely patted down his blue jean pockets. Then, less casually and less vaguely, patted down his blue shirt pockets. He flinched. Remembered where the strip of OxyContin hid, in the lining of his khaki jacket which hung in the wardrobe of the motel he’d checked into.
He exhaled. Tried not to feel anxious or agitated about the forgotten pills. ‘How is he, Nurse? Is he going to make it?’
‘The truth is it’s hard to predict. As you know, he’s had a previous brain trauma and during the overdose his breathing had almost stopped. The oxygen supply to his brain may have been compromised. His blood chemistry was badly affected and his organs – heart, liver, kidneys – they all took a hit.’
‘But you can fix all that, right?’
‘Well, of course we can support his organs, give them a chance to recover, but the main worry is whether his brain has been damaged by low oxygen levels, and whether any damage is permanent… and that’s if he pulls through.’
The realization that this could be something he couldn’t protect Jackson from, couldn’t save him from, made Cooper want to run and keep on running. ‘But what are the chances?’
‘At the moment the machines are doing everything for him as we’ve put him in a medical coma. They’re breathing for him. Pushing in the perfect amounts of oxygen into his blood. We’re driving his blood pressure up with drugs to force that perfect oxygen level past any swelling in his brain, caused by the overdose. We’re also trying to keep his brain tissue alive till the swelling goes down.’
‘And then?’
‘Then we turn the sedatives off, and we wait and we hope he wakes up.’
‘And if he doesn’t wake up?’
The nurse smiled warmly. ‘We deal with that if it happens, but right now, his brain scans look okay. His other vital organs seem to be recovering so let’s be positive. But there are no guarantees. Tomorrow or the day after we’re going to turn off the sedatives to assess how well he breathes for himself, and look for signs he’s waking up, signs that he is still able to hear us and respond to our voices.’
‘And if he can?’
‘Then we let him wake up completely, take out that breathing tube and the long, or hopefully short, recovery process begins.’
‘What’s the timeline?’
‘I know I keep sounding vague but it may take time to find out how well he will recover. Some patients take weeks and months to slowly get back to full normal brain function, others seem to make rapid improvement in the early stages but never make a full recovery. And then there are some who wake up as if they’ve just had a nice long sleep and go home before the end of the week. That’s what we’re hoping for, but we really will have to wait and see.’
‘Can I talk to him? Do you think he can hear me?’
‘It’s difficult to tell. Usually we like to think patients can hear us. They often seem to respond better to the comforting tones of familiar voices. But the drugs we put Jackson on are strong and they’re designed to pretty much anaesthetize people, so they don’t feel or remember anything at this stage. So it’s very doubtful, in this case, that he’ll able to hear you… Anyway, I’ll leave you on your own with him. I’ll just be right outside at my station if any of the alarms go off.’
‘Appreciate that.’
With the nurse gone, Cooper slid his chair close up to the bed. Grasping hold of Jackson’s hand. He squeezed and held on. Said, ‘Hey, Jackson. It’s me, Coop… Hey man, you should have called me. I would’ve come running, you know that, don’t you? We were good weren’t we? Jackson, you can’t go and leave me like this. You gotta come back to me. You hear me? What am I going to do without you? I need you man. I can’t do this life on my own. And what am I supposed to tell Cora…? Jesus, Jackson, did you think you had to hide this from me, the way you felt? You don’t have to hide anything, not from me. That’s what I do. Hide every goddamn thing there is. So many secrets. So many lies… I even lie to you, you know that? Been lying to you for years, but not anymore. On my way here I decided I’d tell you. Couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you and I never told you the truth. But if I tell you, Jackson, you got to promise me you’ll come back to me. Only this time I’m going to look after you like a brother should… That’s right, Jackson,’ said Cooper, ‘I’m your brother. And I couldn’t ask for a better one than you. I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you before. We were going to just before the accident, but then after everything that happened, we thought it was best not to. We didn’t want you to have to keep any more secrets. We were only trying to protect you, Jackson, and maybe we were wrong. But you were always so beautiful, so fragile, that we didn’t want to burden you. Perhaps I should’ve told you myself when I found out that John was my father, but God knows it was complicated. My mom never told John she was pregnant, and he would’ve never known about me if she hadn’t died. And after I went to live with Beau it was a while before he told John, then it was only when I was a teenager that I finally knew the truth and you, you were still too young, Jackson. Too innocent. Then time just seemed to pass, along with the rise of John’s career and keeping the secret seemed the easiest thing to do. God, there are so many half-truths and half-lies but one thing that was never a lie is my love for you, Jackson. I cherish every moment we’ve shared, as kids and now. Remember the times when we played at the beach house? Those really were the best of times, dreaming of the future, playing soldiers when we always defeated the enemy. We were pure and strong back then, brave knights on a quest. And you haven’t changed, but me? Look at me now, somehow I got lost along the way…’
Cooper stopped talking, but didn’t turn as he felt the air kick slightly as the electric door seal hissed open then hissed shut. Locking out the rest of the world.
‘Hello, Coop.’
Expecting the nurse and not the person who spoke, Cooper
turned and with a flat, even tone said, ‘Hello, John… Hey, Beau.’
‘Thank you for coming back,’ said Woods, with his eyes on Jackson.
‘Why wouldn’t I come back to see Jackson?’
Tired, Woods rubbed his head. ‘Coop, I’m not looking for a fight.’
Beau, knowing now wasn’t the time for tension and trouble said, ‘I’m glad you came… How was the DRC?’
‘Not good.’
‘You don’t look so good yourself,’ said Beau. ‘Want to talk about it?’
‘Nope.’
‘What about the investigation? How’s that going? You collected anything interesting? Or is it just the usual crazy trash you like to pick up?’
Cooper refused to be offended. ‘It depends if you call pieces of broken bits of pot and bottle tops interesting.’
Beau said, ‘Anything I can help you with? Need a sounding board?’
‘Maybe. I’ll see.’
Beau nodded, moved to sit on the chair Cooper had vacated. He sat on the side of his buttock, something he often did to stop the sciatica taking a stronger hold. ‘Well at least Rosedale did his job, got you back here in one piece.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’
‘I’ve said it before,’ said Beau. ‘I’m not like you, John, I can’t stand the man. Don’t know many that do, but he’s a good one to have on your side. The oddest ball out there, but he’d die along with you… How’s Maddie?’
‘Don’t ask.’
Beau stared hard. ‘Jesus, Coop, don’t tell me you’ve been messing her about again. Last time this happened, I told you…’
Cooper snapped, not wanting to hear any more of the sentence. ‘Why is it people love to tell me what Maddie and I should be doing?’
‘Maybe it’s because you don’t know yourself. Look, nobody wants to see either of you hurt that’s all. Oh, I spoke to Granger by the way. He’s gunning for you big time.’
‘When isn’t he?’
Beau pulled a contemplative face. ‘He’s always been pig-headed… You want me to have a word?’
Cooper laughed, with an added sprinkling of bitterness. ‘With Granger? Thanks for the offer Beau, but I think I’m old enough to handle things myself.’
‘It hasn’t always been that way.’
‘No, and you haven’t always offered.’
The men fell into tense silence.
Then, struggling to speak to Woods but pulling it out of the bag, Cooper said, ‘How are you holding up?’
‘Okay.’
‘Don’t listen to him, Coop,’ said Beau. ‘I’ll tell you how he’s doing. Not good. Isn’t that right, John? Show me a man who’s torn between country and family, and I’ll show you this man here. It’s tough because he’s got to keep going.’
Woods said, ‘Beau, seriously, it’s cool.’
‘Come off it. You work harder than anyone I know. Your workload’s relentless at the best of times. What did you get last night, three, four hours sleep at the most? It’s tough to watch, Coop. Though at least this hasn’t got out. All the press know is that Jackson was unwell and taken in for tests. Usual line, and so far it seems to be yesterday’s news, thanks to Senator Bowhurst. He got caught with his pants down with the family nanny. You got to love a cliché… Anyway, listen Coop, you need to make sure you don’t bring any more trouble to an already overloaded pair of shoulders. You hear me? You really do look a mess by the way… You need to see your shrink? And I don’t just mean the court appointed one.’
Snapping and not liking what Beau had just said, Cooper shook his head. ‘Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid okay? And don’t tell me about bringing trouble to his front door, because I don’t. And as for seeing a shrink? Why would I do that when I’m dealing with it myself?’
Woods looked at him sceptically. ‘Coop, we just don’t want what happened before to happen again. We’re concerned.’
Cooper ran his tongue over his lips. Took a deep breath. Looked directly at Woods. ‘Let’s not go there, okay? Listen, I’m going to head out.’ He stopped to pick up his bag. ‘Oh, you might want to know that I’ve told him.’
Woods frowned. ‘Who? Told who what?’
‘I told Jackson… about us. I thought he should know. There are too many lies around here… Oh don’t worry, John, you don’t have to look like that. He might not even wake up, so your secret will be safe.’
‘Keep that kind of talk out of here. What the hell’s the matter with you? This is not the time or the place.’
Woods said nothing and Cooper stepped closer and lowered his voice. ‘I’m not going to go around calling you Dad, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
‘You make it sound like it’s a bad thing to be my son.’
Cooper’s face flushed red. Scorn written over it. ‘Don’t play games, John. Have you lost your memory? Because if it’s not such a bad thing to be your son, what’s with the secret?’
‘You know what, and you know why.’
Faces inches apart. ‘Okay then, how about this one? How come you didn’t let me call you Dad when I was a kid? Before it became a secret. How come you made me stay with Beau after you’d found out?’
‘We’ve been over this.’
Cooper hissed. ‘And I want to go over it again.’
‘As you know my wife… ’
Cooper cut in. ‘Wouldn’t have accepted me? It might’ve been difficult for you? Come on, it wasn’t like you had an affair with my mom. You left her long before you met Jackson’s mom.’
‘I didn’t leave your mom. We came to a decision. Well, she did. If it’d just been my choice we would’ve stayed together. And as for Jackson’s mom, well…’ He trailed off and Cooper, knowing the next words out of his mouth were going to be unfair, but knowing at that moment he didn’t care, stared hard. ‘You’re a joke, John, you know that? You chose your new wife over me. The same wife who left you for your best friend. Was it worth it, John? Was it? Go figure.’
President Woods’s infamous temper appeared and released. ‘For God’s sake it wasn’t like that.’
‘What I know is I was your kid.’
‘Look, it wasn’t that simple. My political career had already started then and it seemed sensible to keep it a secret. If you’d called me Dad, people would’ve found out… I get that it was the wrong decision. If I could I would do things differently. And I’m sorry you got hurt. I really am.’
‘Oh, I never get hurt John. I just get angry.’
‘Why won’t you let me make it alright? Work things out?’
‘Just like that, hey? Like the past never happened. I’d still be your secret though, wouldn’t I?’
‘Coop, come on, it’s not like I wanted this. But if you need me to tell the world I’m your father then just say the word, and I’ll do it.’
‘You really think I want to carry any more guilt than I do already? Do ya? We both know if it got out now, along with all the other stuff, it would destroy you. Nobody wants a liar as their president. And I’m not going to be responsible for you having to step down. So guess what? You win.’
A flash of hurt passed through the president’s eyes. ‘Please Coop, don’t be like this.’
Cooper shot Woods a stare. Refused to feed into the emotive reply. And all he wanted to do was get the hell out. ‘Let’s just let sleeping dogs lie, John.’
‘Quit that, Coop.’
‘For God’s sake,’ said Beau. ‘We’re in a hospital not a downtown bar.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, Beau. I’m going. Out of here. Gone.’
Woods grabbed Cooper’s arm. ‘Why do you have to resent me so much?’
Cooper gave a cold, tight smile. Grabbed his coat. ‘Resent you? Why would you think that, John? I mean look around. One of your sons is in an induced coma after overdosing, and your other son’s one hell of a mess. How could I resent a great father like you?’
80
‘Peace offering!’
Maddie ignored Cooper and his outstretched hand wh
ich held a bunch of yellow roses. She walked towards him, then around him, and threw the handmade Western saddle she was carrying expertly across the back of her favorite dappled gray mare, Arabella.
‘Maddie, please… Talk to me.’
Tightening the girth before untying the reins from the paddock fence, Maddie led the mare slightly away before stepping up in the stirrup. Swung effortlessly into the saddle and, looking down at Cooper from her mount, she said, ‘What are you doing here, Tom? What do you want?’
‘I came to apologize.’
‘And you thought a bunch of roses would do the trick? Way to go, Tom.’ She turned away from him and lightly tapped Arabella with the heels of her cowboy boots.
‘Walk on.’
‘Wait, Maddie, please… We need to sort this out.’
Ignoring him she gently pulled on the left rein. Turned down a sandy path, which seemed to be Cooper’s cue to dump the roses and follow.
Jogging behind her but not getting too close to Arabella’s hind end, cautious of her back off from me kick, Cooper tried again. ‘Maddie, stop! Wait… I’m sorry… Maddie…! I need to talk to you.’
‘Oh, I think you’ve done enough of that. You certainly talked alright, and the message is loud, clear and very much received. But hey, at least I know you never loved me and maybe now I can let go of the idea that you ever did. Why don’t we look at it as you’ve done me a favor and leave it at that… Make sure you close the gates on your way out.’
Sprinting round to get in front, as Maddie tapped into a trot, Cooper grabbed hold of Arabella’s bridle, bringing her to a stop, much to her clear annoyance and stamping of hooves.
‘Of course I loved you.’
‘No you didn’t, not really; I just happened to be there at the time you needed somebody, that’s all.’
‘You’re wrong, Maddie, I know how I feel.’
Maddie laughed with hurt and scorn. ‘You don’t know how you feel. You don’t even know who you are. The only thing you feel is with her, with your ghost, with Ellie. Anything else, especially love, you don’t feel. You know sometimes I don’t recognize who I’ve become. There were often days I’d wake up secretly wishing and praying that Ellie was really dead. That somehow I could prove it… I wanted her dead, Tom, so we could get on with our lives! Do you hear that? What kind of person does that make me?’