Now there were signs of decay. It hadn’t been maintained, and everywhere that wasn’t in use had a film of dust over it that spoke of years and years gone by with only memories to run on. There was a sadness in the place that tugged at me.
I felt eyes on me, and when I turned my head back to Daniel, he was looking at me.
“What?” I asked. I couldn’t help but smile. His eyelids were drooped, and I had the idea that work wasn’t on his mind anymore. He looked at me in the same way he’d looked at me in the ER that first night we’d met…as if I was a welcome distraction and he wanted every bit of me.
He was looking at me as if I was food.
I loved it when he looked at me like that. My body responded. I looked right back at him, feeling my own heat build. I was suddenly glad I’d left my hair loose and dressed in clothes that had nothing to do with the hospital. I looked good, and I knew it.
And by the looks of it, Daniel thought so, too.
He got off his bar stool and stood right in front of me. He parted my knees with his hands so that he could stand between my legs and pressed himself as close as the chair as my legs would allow.
When he was right up against me, towering over me with his muscles and his leather and his look of pure lust, he took my face in his hands and dipped his head to kiss me. It was erotic and sensual and hot and spicy all at the same time. He traced my lips with his tongue before he dipped into my mouth. I closed my eyes and relaxed my neck so that he was the one who held my head in that position.
I lifted one foot and then the other and wrapped my legs around his, pulling his body even tighter against mine. He made a guttural sound at the back of his throat that could be described as a growl.
His hands pushed into my hair, his fingers tangled up in it, and then he moved his hands down onto my bare neck. He rubbed his fingers in circles over my neck, thumbed my collarbone, and then moved lower, pushing his hands into my shirt.
I let him do it. I wanted it. I wanted all of it, and he was in control. We’d already established that, and even though this was a lot less controlling than before, I still wanted him to take what he wanted when he wanted it.
As if he knew that was what I was thinking, he stopped kissing me and urged me with his hands to stand up. I got up, and he moved to my shirt. He unbuttoned a few buttons and pulled it over my head. He didn’t waste time with my bra, either. The cool air in the bar area brushed against my skin, tightening my nipples and sending shivers down my spine.
He moved his hands down to my jeans and unbuttoned them, then pulled down the short zipper and slid the pants over my hips. He took the panties with it, and I stood in front of him, naked. My hair fell down my back in a waterfall, and I felt it against my skin.
I shivered.
Daniel looked at me, sliding his eyes down my body, taking his time before he reached the bottom and doubled back for another look. When his eyes reached mine, he smiled.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. And I felt it. When he looked at me like that, smiled like that, I felt it.
“You’re still dressed,” I said.
He nodded. He stepped closer to me, pressing my back against the bar and kissed me. His one hand went to my breast, and he took my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. He rolled it between his fingers, and I moaned. When he tugged at it, I gasped into his mouth.
With his other hand, he traced circles over my hip, following the curve and then the V of the bone until he was between my legs. I opened my legs a bit to allow him space.
He pushed his fingers in between my legs and found what I was keeping for him. I was hot and wet and eager for him. He ran his fingers up and down my slit, and every time he passed my clit, I gasped. I tipped my head back, torn between the sensation of his hand on my breast, his hand between my legs, and out of nowhere his mouth in my neck.
He rendered me useless, plastered against the bar, naked and panting.
He let go of my breast, and I was aware of the sound of material rustling, a zip being undone, clothes falling to the floor. He let go of me with his other hand, too, for a second, because doing me and getting undressed at the same time was a challenge.
It didn’t take him long to get naked, and then he was right back where he’d been before. He carried on, doing what he’d been doing. He worked me up into a frenzy with his hand between my legs, fingers sliding up and down and then dipping into me so that I moaned, my body catching on fire for a moment before he pulled out and teased me again.
I shuddered. I wanted him. I wanted all of him, and I wanted it now. He was teasing me, driving me crazy, torturing me with something that was so close to an orgasm, just to stop again.
He leaned his body against mine and the length of him pressed against my lower stomach, his tip slick with lust, the meaty flesh thick and hard and as eager about this as I was. I reached down and palmed it, sliding my hand up and down, imitating what I wanted him to do with it once he was inside of me.
I looked into his eyes. His pupils were dilated, his eyes the color of the sky and his lips were slightly parted, tongue darting out to wet them for a second. He leaned in and kissed me again, penetrating me with his tongue.
He put both hands on my ribs and lifted me up so that I sat on the bar. He rubbed his hands over my thighs, my breasts face height, and then he spread my legs and dipped his head between them. He licked me and sucked on me and flicked my clit with his tongue. He moved up and down in slow strokes, paying just the right amount of attention so that my body started shivering as an orgasm started in my core and fanned outward.
I cried out, wrapping my legs around his head and trapping him between my thighs. My back was arched, my breasts pushed out. I was naked on a bar, and he was eating me out, and it was pure ecstasy.
As if he’d had enough of these games, he pushed my legs open with his hands and hitched his knee onto a barstool, using it as a step to get on top of the bar. He pulled me around so that I lay on the bar and positioned himself between my legs. He paused at my entrance for only a second, making sure I was comfortable on the hard wood, before he pushed into me.
He pushed hard, all the way to the hilt in one go. I cried out. He didn’t wait for me to adjust; he didn’t pause. He pulled almost all the way out again, and then pushed in another time. He kept at it, fucking me on the bar. I moaned, and dug my nails into his back. He kept at it until I came again, and then he released inside of me with a grunt.
I felt him pulsate inside of me, filling me up. And then it was all over.
We were both breathing hard. He pulled out of me and got off the bar, looking for his clothes. He passed me mine.
“Ben won’t be gone forever,” he said. I took the clothes and started getting dressed, trying to make sense of why he was being like this. I had a sinking feeling I my gut. Every time we’d done it before he’d been so attentive afterward so I had never felt used.
This time I felt used. He seemed distracted.
“Are you okay?” I asked. Before he could answer me his phone rang and he answered it. Dammit, he answered it.
“Any word on Ruby?” he asked, and then when he got the answer I assumed he didn’t want to hear, he swore. He hung up the phone. Ruby. That name kept on coming up. I was getting really sick of that name.
“I don’t mean to be rude after what just happened,” I said, trying to sound casual about it. “But Ruby seems like a big part of your life.”
Daniel just shrugged. I kept pushing. “You talk about her in your sleep, she’s obviously on your mind, and you’re looking for her.”
He looked at me. The love and affection and lust were all gone now. All that was left was a blank stare that I couldn’t read. I didn’t like it.
“She’s no one you need to worry about,” he said.
“Isn’t she?”
He put his hands on his hips, and it made his muscles bulge. Maybe I would always think that about him.
“She’s an ex. We used to date. We had a business to
gether and I didn’t want to give that up when I stopped seeing her, so we kept it professional. There’s nothing more to know. No one even knows where she is right now, and she’s old news, anyway. Don’t worry about it.”
I nodded. I didn’t believe what he was saying. Obviously he was looking for her. And the way he reacted when I mentioned her didn’t make me feel like she was old news. However, I didn’t push her.
“Look,” Daniel said, and I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to end well. “I have to finish up here. How about you head on out? You don’t need to sit here bored stiff.”
“I don’t mind,” I said. It sounded an awful lot like he was trying to get rid of me. He shook his head.
“Don’t waste your time here. Instead, go enjoy your off day. You deserve it.”
I nodded and fluffed my hair. I knew when I wasn’t wanted. I started walking toward the door.
“Oh, Emily,” Daniel called after me, and I turned. I hoped it was something redeeming, something that would make me feel worth it. After this, I really needed it.
“I’m going to be out of town again for a few days. I don’t think I’ll be able to see you until Sarah’s launch.”
I was stunned for a moment. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for. In fact, it was very close to the opposite.
“Okay,” I said. He nodded and turned away. There was nothing left for me to do but leave. When I closed the door behind me, Ben walked up to the door. He nodded at me. I didn’t nod back.
I went home. I felt empty, like every bit of me had been drained and only the shell was left. In all my years of ER work, fifteen-hour shifts and no breaks, I hadn’t felt this empty. I wanted to cry, but the same time I felt numb, like there were no emotions at all.
I managed to be home for about an hour before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got dressed in my comfortable clothes, my doctor’s uniform, my flats, and I headed back to the ER. Yes, this was supposed to be my day off, but I needed this.
Hamilton frowned when I walked in.
“You’re not supposed to be on duty tonight,” she said. “You said you were taking off.”
“I changed my mind,” I said.
Hamilton opened her mouth to argue, but then an emergency came in and we needed every pair of hands we could find. And mine were ready.
Another OD. Same drug. We worked hard, and twice I thought we would lose him. I kept flashing on the faces of the patients we’d already lost and prayed to God that this face wouldn’t be added to the list of people who kept reappearing every time I wanted to go to sleep. I needed this save—not just for the patient’s sake, but for my own. I needed to know that even though my personal life was going up in flames again, at least my work mattered.
We pulled him through. It was a lot of fighting, and I really didn’t think he would make it, but somehow he managed to beat the odds. At least one thing had gone right for me.
When I washed my hands of the blood, I looked up and Hamilton nodded at me. She was a fair nurse and she was right…every one needed off nights. But I wasn’t going to take this one. People needed me. That drug was still out there, and I didn’t know how big the batch was or how many people we were still going to have to help fight through this.
I wasn’t going to take it slow until this thing was under control.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Emily
I only got off my shift eighteen hours later. It wasn’t that it had been rough all the time. There were times I could have gone home. I just hadn’t wanted to. What was waiting for me at home? Nightmares when I fell asleep, the faces of the dead haunting me when I closed my eyes, and Sarah pestering me about a sex life with a man that might not be interested in me anymore when I was awake. It wasn’t a home I wanted to go to.
My life had been together once. There had been a time when I’d known exactly who I was and what I wanted to do. I’d slipped up badly while I was still in college, studying for some business degree. I couldn’t believe I’d thought then that the sum of my life would be enough with just that.
The only person I’d wanted to satisfy was myself. The people to impress were the boys with the money and the booze. I was out of the house and old enough to drink and sleep with whomever I liked, and I did.
Chrissy and I had a party every night of the week, even if we had exams, even if we had to go to class, even if we knew that life would catch up with us.
It was always something that would happen later. That was how I’d seen it.
I’d gotten involved with guys that played with harder things than just alcohol. Recreational drugs turned more serious for them, and we were so close to the edge it was dangerous just to breathe. I loved the thrill of it. I’d grown up in a house were rules were too valuable to break and I’d been suffocated all my life.
We’d gone on a bender one night and Chrissy had brought these guys with us. They’d been fun to start off with, but they’d brought out the hard stuff and it had gone from innocent fun to something ugly very quickly. I’d taken something that had knocked me so hard I couldn’t figure out left from right.
Chrissy had taken something that had affected her breathing.
Before I knew what was going on, she was lying on the pavement fighting to breathe, airways blocked, and those damn asshole we’d been with hadn’t known what to do. None of us had known what to do. I’d been so out of it that I’d watched her suffocate. Someone had tried to dial 9-1-1, but it was hard to do all of that and be high and drunk. Some things were so strong no amount of adrenaline could save you.
And then she was gone, and the cops had come, and the EMTs had arrived, and we’d had to make a break for it or we would have been charged with using. We’d run away and left Chrissy on the pavement with her eyes rolled back and her lips blue, and I hadn’t been able to save her.
I hadn’t even tried.
It had been easy after that. I’d switched from business to med school. I’d stopped partying, stopped drinking, and stopped dating. I’d been saving lives ever since.
And not one fucking life I saved could bring back Chrissy.
I stood in the parking lot, keys in hand, not making the effort to unlock my car. Chrissy was all over my mind. I couldn’t get her face out of my head—the blue lips and the sallow, pasty skin that should have been a sign that it was way too late. The photo on my desk was beautiful, the person I wished I could remember. But every time I thought of her, all I saw was her wasted face, her dead body.
All the drug cases coming in, the lives we were losing, were way too close. I was walking on a very fine line, one where I could topple off the edge if I wasn’t careful. They were all starting to look like Chrissy to me, and I was starting to feel the same way I had then – that it was my fault when I couldn’t make a difference.
When I’d met Daniel it had changed. I’d felt like I’d done something good when we’d pulled Taylor through. But now?
I unlocked the car and reached for the door handle. Someone grabbed me from behind. I tried to scream but a hand clamped my mouth shut and then the pinch of a needle bit my neck, and I felt the metal drive into my veins.
Panic set in. I knew what was in that syringe. My heart started racing, my head spun, and I tried to scream but my throat was dry and I couldn’t get out a sound. The world went black and the last thing I felt was the gravel racing up to scrape against my cheek.
When I came to again, it was to a bright light shining in one eye and then the other. I heard the sound of medical terms being thrown around and someone was shouting for a gurney. I blinked twice. An oxygen mask was over my face.
When the light disappeared, it was Hamilton. She looked into my eyes and concern was written all over her face.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded and tried to get up but the world spun. My throat hurt when I tried to talk.
“What happened?” I managed to croak out.
“They got you with the same drug everyone keeps coming in with, but you had no alcohol or drugs in your
system and thanks to your prepping we knew what to do straight away. You saved yourself, Emily.”
I blinked again and tried another time to sit up. Hands came from every direction to help me, and I leaned against my car tire with all the ER staff around me on the tarmac. It was early morning with dawn breaking through the clouds. The air was cold, and it ruffled through my hair.
“Oh, my God,” I said and swallowed, wincing as I did.
After they checked me again and again to make sure I was okay, the staff finally started filtering inside in drips and drabs. There were always more cases, and as soon as they were sure I was fine, they had other work to do. Hamilton was the only one who stayed behind.
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