“Watch that temper, Murphy ”
Ryan felt his hands ball up into impotent fists “Yes, sir.”
Davidson nodded with approval.
Davidson appeared finished Reluctantly, Ryan broached the subject. “I would like permission to move ”
Surprise flickered over Davidson’s face. “I thought you were settled ”
“My landlady is.. being hassled by people who don’t want me there I don’t want to cause trouble for her.”
“Very noble, Murphy,” the probation officer said dryly. “Give me the address, and I’ll check it out.”
“It’s with a John Gavin ” Ryan wrote down the name and address
“I wouldn’t be moving for a couple of weeks. His current roommate is moving out then.”
“He know about you?”
“Yes He works at the garage ”
“Okay,” Davidson said “I’ll let you know. Do you have a phone number yet?”
Ryan gave him the new number.
“Good,” Davidson said “Call me next week I might have an answer for you then. Report back to the office two weeks from now You can make an appointment the prior Friday.” He dismissed Ryan with a movement of his head. “Don’t forget the urine sample on the way out.”
Forcing his fingers to straighten back out, Ryan rose and left. He supposed Davidson was just doing his job, but he felt like a delinquent boy every time he left that office. He felt diminished, that he had no control, and he was growing increasingly in need ot control.
Ryan arrived back home at four and parked in back, leaving room for Julie to drive into the garage. He knew Julie and Nicholas would be home soon and would see the car.
He’d managed to avoid both of them since Thursday He’d stayed at the garage until late Friday and Saturday, then Sunday walked to Peachtree and took a bus to a rapid transit station He took the tram downtown and wandered over the downtown area, once more returning to the police station He was drawn to it, as if the answers he sought were stored there. But no sudden light. No flash of memory.
After a few moments, he walked around the downtown area, wishing something—anything—was familiar He had lived here all his life, yet nothing looked familiar. It was afternoon before he started back, stopping at the rapid transit station at Perimeter Mall He went into a department store and found his way to its toy department.
He selected a catcher’s mitt for a small hand, then a small padded vest He’d spent very little money so far, but he remembered that Nick’s birthday was next week As much as he recognized the need for distance, he knew he couldn’t ignore a fifth birthday Hell, he didn’t want to.
When he arrived back at the apartment, Julie and Nick were gone He took the opportunity to use her washer to wash clothes, then he retired to his own apartment where once more he looked over the files, wondering if somewhere he’d missed something As his knowledge—and awareness—of the world and his own skills grew, he hoped to find a missing piece that would answer some of the questions Julie had posed. He kept going back to the articles about Castilani that he’d printed out from the computer He was the knot that seemed to tie everything together.
Memory playing strange tricks? Instincts he’d never quite lost? Had he hunted the man? Or had he worked for the man? Ryan didn’t know. He just knew the name echoed in his mind.
He heard a car arriving. He tried not to go to the window, but his resolve failed miserably and he found himself looking out. He watched her car disappear into the garage beneath him In another moment, he heard a knock at the door He opened it to Nick. Julie stood watchfully behind him
“Can you come for my birthday?” Words rushed from the boy’s mouth.
Ryan looked at Julie She wore a sky blue sweat suit that, though obviously comfortable, couldn’t quite hide the swell of her breasts or her firm, rounded hips. He remembered those hips, remembered how they felt in his hands.
“It’s Wednesday,” she said. “I asked him who he wanted to come for his birthday, and you were his first choice I’m afraid you’ll have to eat pizza and ice cream.”
“I like pizza and ice cream.”
The wary look on her face changed to a grin. “Good So do I ”
They both stood awkwardly, their eyes meeting above an obviously anxious Nicholas Ryan wanted to turn his gaze away but he couldn’t. She looked so incredibly appealing in blue, her gray eyes taking on a hue like smoke against a summer sky His heart ached with the longing to touch her, to hold her close, to feel the warm comfort of her body
“Will you come in?” he finally asked.
Nick shot in, looked around curiously, then ran over to where his picture was taped to the refrigerator His face creased into a huge smile.
Ryan smiled at him. “My favorite possession ” He didn’t add that it was one of the very few he had. Everything in the room belonged to Julie. Then he turned back to Julie. “I got my driver’s license today”
“I suspected as much when I had to maneuver around a strange car in my yard,” she replied with a slight smile
“You won’t have to do it long.” he said, looking straight into her eyes “I think I’ve found another place to live.”
Her tongue flicked out licked her lips for a second, and some of the brightness faded from her eyes But she merely nodded She didn’t ask the questions he expected
“Johnny at the garage is losing his roommate,” he tried to explain “I asked my. Davidson for permission to move.”
“When?”
“Two, three weeks, if I get permission. Johnny’s roommate is moving out then.”
“Nick will miss you,” she said simply.
He wondered if she would, too. “It’s best I’m one hell of a role model for a kid. And it should get your neighbors off your back”
“Is that the only reason you’re moving?”
“That’s one reason.” he said
“What are the others?”
“I’m wrapped in a cocoon here,” he said harshly, trying to break through that web of intimacy enshrouding them again. “I have to go my own way, find what freedom I can ”
Her gaze was steady. Too steady He felt as if she could see right through him He would have been more than happy to stay here. In truth, leaving would rip his heart out. No more boy wriggling in his lap or giving him a spontaneous hug No more brilliant smile from Julie or pancake breakfasts No more.. comradeship in trying to find the truth of his life
He couldn’t even begin to imagine the emptiness in losing those things The emptiness he felt when he first woke months ago paled in comparison, He didn’t know then what he had lost, what he could lose
He suspected she saw all that in his face, no matter how hard he tried to conceal it
Their voices had been low, hopefully too low for Nick to hear. But now the boy approached them.
Julie’s gaze went down to him, and Ryan saw her expression soften He hadn’t thought he could care more than he already did, but somehow each time he saw her his feelings grew stronger, deeper, more painful
“We had better go,” she said. “I would like to talk to you later at my house. I have some other news for you”
He hesitated He was only too aware of the effect of her house on him. Each room was so reflective of her, its comfort and personality and warmth like a drug. “What about here?”
She shook her head “I don’t like leaving him alone ”
Of course. He should have thought of that. “All right,” he said
“After Nick goes to bed.”
“Around nine?”
“That sounds good,” she said, then looked down at Nick “Come on, Munchkin,” she said. “Time for supper ”
“Ahhhhhhhh, I don’t want to go.”
“Not even if we have ice cream for dessert?”
Nick looked up slyly “If Ryan can come.”
Ryan was tempted. Hell, he was always tempted. But he couldn’t afford it. Nick couldn’t afford it “Not now, pal. I have some work to do”
Nick’s face fell so far it almost hit the floor “Tomorrow?”
Ryan’s gaze met Julie’s. “If I get home in time ” He would make sure he didn’t.
But Nick looked happier, even as Ryan’s heart crumpled even more. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but close enough.
“Come on,” Julie urged Nick.
“I wanta give Ryan a hug first.”
Ryan obediently stooped.
Small arms went around his neck and a wet mouth planted a kiss on his cheek. It snuggled its way into Ryan’s soul. He suspected that hug would remain there a very long time, wrapped around a heart that had no right to it Reluctantly, he released the boy.
When he stood, he noticed that Julie was looking away.
He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath When he opened them, Julie and Nick were gone, and the only evidence of their presence was the moisture in his eyes and the click of the door closing behind them.
Chapter 17
Julie sat across the table from Ryan He was no longer Murphy. She had tried to think of him as Murphy as long as possible. But now he was Ryan Murphy Friend as well as client More than that The man she loved
But from the moment she’d opened the door, she knew he intended to put an end to any additional intimacy between them. She understood why. He worried about her and Nick, about the sign, about the newspaper articles. And probably most of all about the speeding car Even then, he didn’t know the whole of it. He didn’t know she’d lost her job. Neither did Jerry The fact that she’d always worked at least part of the time at home made her sudden freedom go unnoticed.
Still, she had been stunned when he announced his intention to leave The reality hit her far harder than she’d imagined.
“You have news?” His mouth was grim, his edginess visible.
“Your former wife said she’ll talk to you You can call her during school hours and schedule a meeting ”
She saw the intake of his breath. He sat absolutely still for a moment, his capable hands motionless
She handed him the number. His right hand moved toward it, his fingers touching it gingerly as if reluctant to take it. The pulse moved in his throat
“I liked her,” she said. “You will, too.” She hoped not too much. He’d been attracted to Mary Elizabeth once He must have been in love since he’d married her Would he still want her? The thought had nagged her since she’d talked to Mary Elizabeth.
He lifted his eyes from the piece of paper, and she saw pam in them. She couldn’t even begin to understand how he must feel Meeting a woman he’d once loved, whom he felt he’d wronged terribly. Not remembering probably made it worse, not better. She understood the guilt he carried inside
She knew all about guilt.
“Your husband,” he said as if he were reading her mmd “You never talk about him.”
He was really asking something else, she realized. He was wondering about the intimacy of marriage, about the feelings he should have
“No,” she agreed.
His eyes met hers. He didn’t ask again, just waited.
“He...committed suicide a little more than five years ago”
The statement was like a blow to his gut He knew Nick’s father had died before his birth. He’d thought once about using the computer to search newspaper files for her name, but he’d resisted; he owed her too much to violate her privacy.
“He was a lawyer, too,” she said. “A brilliant one, everyone said. He was also a gambler and God only knows what else. After he died, I learned he’d been laundering money for the bad guys while I was out trying to prosecute them.” She tried to smile, but it never made it to her eyes.
Ryan felt her lingering sense of betrayal Why had she ever taken him on after something like that? “That’s why you quit the district attorney’s office?”
“That and the fact that I convicted the wrong man of murder.”
“And why you took my case? Because you’re human and make mistakes, and now you’re trying to atone for them?” Ryan’s voice was harsh.
“No,” she said honestly “Because I thought the man who risked his life pulling a boy and woman from a burning car was worth saving.”
“Even if he had been guilty of murder?”
She met his gaze evenly. After a moment, she said, “I didn’t believe it was the same man.”
“And if it was?”
“Are you saying he is?”
“I’m asking a hypothetical question.”
Her eyes were searching his
“I truly don’t know,” she said slowly “My track record’s not very good. Maybe I needed something to believe in again.”
“And you picked me?” he asked in disbelief “You do like to jump from the frying pan into the fire.”
“Is that what I did?”
“That seems to be the common consensus.”
“The common consensus was that I should marry Douglas. Also that Corrigan was guilty. I don’t have a great deal of faith in common consensus.”
Her eyes were full of sparks again He wanted to ask more, but she shook her head. “I wanted to talk about you.”
“Did you love him?” He ignored her attempt to shift the conversation
She didn’t have to ask him who “I thought I did.”
“Thought?”
She started chewing on her lip as she sometimes did when worrying “I can see why you were such a good detective. You don’t give up, do you?”
He shrugged. “You know as much about me as I do, and I don’t know anything about you ” But he did He knew of her kindness, her intelligence He knew of her stubbornness. But he didn’t know why she was all those things, just as he didn’t know why he’d been any of the things people had said about him.
“Now you do,” she said “I wanted to talk to you about what Jerry’s discovered. Jerry’s talked to the two policemen who moved out of state,” she said “They didn’t have much to add to what we’ve already heard. One, though, said how shaken you were. He said you seemed genuinely, righteously, angered by what had happened, that you continued to insist that your partner had tried to kill you. He said you mentioned Castilani’s name. He was baffled when you were charged with the crime.”
Julie saw a flame jump in those eyes he tried to keep masked. It flared when she said Castilani’s name. “At least someone was,” he said bitterly.
“Jerry also got a lead on the man we think is your priest His name is Sean O’Grady He evidently left the priesthood because he got in trouble protecting a couple of boys who ended up killing someone. The church decided he would be better suited somewhere else. He disagreed. The church won’t give any information, but we’re looking ”
“If he’s working with kids, he should be easy to find Social Services ..” Ryan stopped suddenly, a closed look on his face
Julie stared at him. He sounded like a cop, just as he had when he’d been questioning her. Disquiet stirred deep inside, but she tried to ignore it. Ryan’s comment meant nothing.
“Anyway, he’s working on it.” She wanted to add that she was doing the same, but then he might wonder about her job.
He stood and paced restlessly.
“Why don’t you get us a soda from the fridge?” Perhaps it would help the dryness in her mouth, settle the butterflies in her stomach
He reached the refrigerator with his easy-jointed grace and took out two sodas, then returned to the table and shoved one over to her. Julie watched as he took a long swallow.
She played with her can, hoping its icy sides would travel through her fingers and cool the heat surging through her Even if she tried to drink, her throat was so tight she didn’t think she could swallow She was so aware of him, of the mysteries that eddied around him like water in a vortex The tip of his tongue moistened his lips, signaling his own awareness.
Who was he? Fine question to be asking now
She tried to swallow, to break through that lump in her throat that threatened to suffocate her. Sh
e was aware of wetting her own lips, of his dark eyes on her.
She fought against the spell wrapping itself around her.
She scraped her chair back and started to her feet so quickly that the chair fell backward with a clattering noise Horrified at her own lack of control, she grabbed for the edge of the table He moved swiftly to her, his hands going around her waist, steadying her.
Unsteadying her.
He muttered audibly
She groaned to herself.
“Julie ” His voice was a caress even as his fingers pressed tightly into her skin. She felt his breath on her forehead, the slight whisper of a kiss
Then just as suddenly, he let her go and stepped away He turned and bowed his head He looked so in pain that gnef washed through her.
She wanted to touch him. But the figure standing there was a fortress unto himself.
“I’d better go,” he said Anguish brushed the words.
She didn’t want him to leave.
But for him, she said nothing as he disappeared out the door.
Nicholas’s birthday was an ordeal Ryan barely survived. He’d not seen Julie since Monday night, though he replayed their conversation over and over It explained some things about Julie, and he felt more protective than ever before That meant he had to get as far away from her as he could. She’d certainly been kicked in the teeth before by someone she loved and trusted
When he reached her half-open door, he heard angry words.
“A few weeks is too long You’ve got to get rid of him now,” Jerry was saying. “Lewis is convinced he was guilty ten years ago and that this whole amnesia thing is an act.”
“Lower your voice,” Julie said. “Nick will hear.”
“Will you listen to me, Julie? I haven’t found a damn thing that doesn’t point right to him, and this idea you have about his character changing, well, I just don’t buy it. If you won’t think of yourself, think of Nick And this damn party with him,” Kidder added angrily “It’s because none of the kids would come while he’s here, isn’t it?”
“It’s because Nick wanted him,” Julie said
Ryan backed away The two packages in his hands suddenly felt like lead. Had the parents of other lads kept them away from Nick? Had Julie’s help isolated her even more than he thought?
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