by E. M. Abel
I can’t be who you want me to be.
Asia
Placing the note on top of the black velvet case, I closed the brown flaps of the cardboard box over it. As I sealed the contents of our relationship tightly with tape, I felt like I was closing my heart up in a box, too. I wasn’t sure when or if I’d ever let it out again.
Almost a week had gone by since I sent that box back to Jay. He’d never called, and neither did I.
For the first few days, it had felt like a dark cloud was following me. I had cried a lot, and I had done anything I could to avoid Hailey and Nick’s sympathy. I had called them both on Sunday and told them everything. I was hoping it would be the last time I would have to speak about Jay to anyone.
Although I was trying to be strong as I pretended that I was over him, the truth was that my heart was hurting. I was afraid I would never find anyone who could make me feel the way Jay had. I had fallen for him so quickly. I was convinced the kind of connection I’d had with him wouldn’t be something I could easily find again.
But I was also angry. I was angry with myself for giving my heart to someone who didn’t even know me, let alone love me back. I was ashamed that I’d tried to be someone I wasn’t just so I could feel wanted.
I finally decided I wasn’t going to sit around and be the victim anymore. I wasn’t going to fall for the roses and sweet nothings. From now on, if there were any hearts being broken, I would be the one doing the breaking.
Love would always end in some kind of heartbreak anyway. Someone would always end up leaving, cheating, or dying. While the other person would be left behind to pick up the pieces.
My heart had already been shattered twice, so it was time I gave it a break. I would take what I learned and use it to my advantage. I wouldn’t be the old Asia, hiding behind her clothes, waiting for life to find her.
I was going to take the things I liked from both versions of myself. I’d be the girl who wore whatever the hell she wanted whenever she wanted, and I wouldn’t take shit from anyone. I would also have the confidence I’d felt when I was with Jay. From now on, I’d be smart enough to keep my heart tucked away nice and tight.
It was Friday night, and I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror with my eyes wide open as I applied a coat of mascara to my lashes. It was time for me to have fun. After all, I deserved it.
Hailey and Nick were waiting for me in my living room.
Since they were both happy in their relationships, I had begged them to go out with me. It had been hard, prying them away from their significant others, but I needed a night out. Out of sympathy or maybe pity, they’d agreed.
I had on a jean miniskirt and the same low-cut black silk tank top I’d worn the last night Jay and I were together. This time, I wasn’t scared of what people might think of me.
Nick whistled, and Hailey’s jaw dropped as I walked out of my room, carrying my black heels. Usually, I would have gone with flip-flops, but they just didn’t go with this outfit.
“Damn, girl. You have man-eater written all over you,” Nick told me as he studied my outfit.
I smirked as I slipped on my heels.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, Asia? I mean, you just broke up with Jay. I don’t want you to do anything stupid,” Hailey said.
I cringed when she said his name. “I’m a big girl, Hailey. Don’t worry about me,” I told her as I headed toward the door.
Hailey shook her head as she grabbed her purse and followed me. “Okay.”
We decided to head downtown and try out a new club, Scarlet. It had opened a few weeks before, and Shaun had said that it was the ideal place to hook up. It was so exclusive that he had pulled strings just to get in.
Lucky for us, Nick knew one of the bartenders, and he’d promised to get us in with no problems. After dropping his friend’s name at the door, Hailey and I followed Nick into the packed club. It was dark, and it felt warm from all the bodies on the dance floor.
We made our way through the crowd and found a few empty stools at the bar. I ordered a few lemon drop shots for us, and then I turned around to scope out the scene. None of the guys were catching my eye, so I just relaxed with my elbows perched on the bar behind me.
“Incoming,” Hailey mumbled into my ear.
I turned in the direction she was looking, and I saw a man approaching us. He was a few inches taller than me, and he was wearing a blue polo shirt and black slacks. He had brown eyes and short brown hair with frosted tips. He was okay-looking, but he couldn’t compare to Jay…or Marcus. He was definitely not my type.
He smiled at me when our eyes met. Hailey quickly turned toward the bar, trying to avoid eye contact, while Nick moved in closer, getting ready to hear what this guy would say.
“Hi, gorgeous,” the man said as he stopped to stand in front of me.
I kept my elbows on the bar as I checked him out. “Hi.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“Sure. I’ll take a Miller Lite. Thanks.”
He raised his hand to the bartender and asked for two Miller Lites. Nick smiled at me, shaking his head, as he watched the new and improved Asia work her magic.
“Are you from around here?” the guy asked, leaning in closer to talk in my ear.
Although he was fairly attractive, his voice and his words had very little effect on me, but I decided to have a little fun anyway.
“Maybe,” I muttered as he handed me my beer.
Looking down at my arm, he lightly grazed over my tattoo with his index finger. “Nice tat,” he whispered, his lips almost touching my ear.
I moved away from him, feeling uncomfortable from his touch. I closed my eyes as I took another sip of my beer. What are you doing?
When I opened my eyes, Shaun was standing directly in front of me, staring down at the guy at my side. This guy was clearly no match for my brother.
“Shaun, what are you doing here?” I asked, surprised to see him.
He ignored me as he continued to glare at my admirer. The guy took a step back to put some distance between us.
“Shaun!” I yelled, trying to get his attention.
By now, Hailey had turned around to watch the scene in front of me.
“You need to back the fuck off my sister,” Shaun growled.
The guy let out a chuckle. “She’s a big girl. I’m sure she can make her own decisions.” Taking another sip of his beer, he tried to act unaffected, but it was clear that he was getting nervous.
“Shaun! Back off. I’m fine.” I pushed myself off the bar.
When Shaun turned to face me, he looked at my clothes. “You look like a slut,” he sneered, clenching his jaw.
“She looks good to me.”
This guy has no idea when to shut up. Just as Shaun started closing the distance between him and the dumbass next to me, I saw a tattooed arm grab Shaun’s shoulder from behind.
“Come on, man. Chill out,” Marcus told Shaun, pulling him back.
“Yeah, why don’t you listen to your friend?”
I cringed, waiting for Shaun to explode. Before I could turn to warn the guy, Shaun threw a right hook, hitting him square in the jaw. All the women around us started screaming. Marcus quickly grabbed Shaun and pulled him backward into the crowd on the dance floor. I stood there, looking down at the guy who was now covered in beer. He was sprawled out on the floor, holding his jaw.
“Sorry.” I winced as I grabbed my purse. I followed Nick and Hailey away from the bar.
This is just my luck. Every time I try to go out to have a good time, someone ends up getting punched!
We all ended up standing on the sidewalk in front of Scarlet. Shaun was pacing back and forth, uttering curse words under his breath, while Marcus stood there with his arms crossed, watching him. When Hailey reached Marcus, she turned around to look at me.
“Okay…well, that was fun. I think that was my cue to leave. Sorry, Asia, but I have a fiancé waiting for me at home.”
I fr
owned and gave her a small nod as she came in for a hug.
“Yeah, I should probably head back, too. Luke just texted me. Will you be okay?” Nick asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I sighed and gave him puppy dog eyes. “You’re leaving me, too? We just got here,” I whined.
He nodded and kissed me on the cheek. “Sorry, babe. Try to be careful, okay? You’re acting a little crazy.”
I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms. “You are calling me crazy? Before you met Luke, you were a man whore!”
He laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, but every time you go out, men get punched, man-eater.”
I glared at him although I knew he was right.
“You guys take care of Asia, okay?” Hailey said, looking at Marcus and Shaun.
Marcus nodded while Shaun ignored her. I was sure Shaun was blaming me for the scene inside.
“I’ll be fine, Hailey. Tell John I said hi,” I told her, smiling.
After Nick and Hailey left, Shaun took out his cell phone to make a call while Marcus and I sat down on a bench, facing the club.
Marcus studied me for a few seconds. “So, I take it Jay is out of the picture.”
I felt my smile fade as I nodded, staring down at the scar on my right hand. I rubbed my fingers over the spot that had once held my ring.
“Well, what are you doing? Looking for a rebound?” he asked, raising his eyebrow.
I quickly looked up at him, offended. “No!”
As soon as I denied it, I knew it was true. I just wanted to forget about Jay, and I’d thought sleeping with someone else would be the fastest way to do that. Besides, it wasn’t like I’d be hurting anyone. There were plenty of guys out there who would love a one-night stand with no strings attached.
And that was when the idea hit me.
I slowly looked over to Marcus, taking in the sight of him sitting next to me. His tattooed arm was resting on his lap, and I studied the art on his skin until I reached the bottom of the sleeve on his black T-shirt. My eyes made their way up to his muscular shoulder, his neck with his flawless tanned skin, his dark stubble, strong jaw, and then his full lips. When my eyes finally lifted to his, he turned to meet my gaze, obviously feeling me as I took him in.
After a long silence, I finally spoke. “What if I said I was looking for a rebound? Sex with no strings, no emotion, no relationship. Just fucking.”
Oh shit, I can’t believe I just said that!
You can do this, Asia. It’s just sex…
With Marcus Avery—the guy you’ve loved since high school.
Shut up!
Yes, I was arguing with myself. It had been a rough week, and I was obviously making completely stupid, irrational decisions.
Marcus’s eyes widened, and he licked his lips, watching my mouth as I finished my sentence. He shook his head, unlocking his eyes from my lips. “You’re drunk.”
I took in a breath, getting ready to argue, but then Shaun appeared in front of us.
“I’m getting outta here. I need to let out this aggression somewhere else,” he said, giving Marcus a wicked grin.
I groaned, totally annoyed with my older brother.
“You need to stop putting your nose where it doesn’t belong, Shaun. I’m a grown woman, and I can handle myself. We aren’t in high school anymore!”
Shaun glared down at me, grinding his teeth. “Oh, don’t worry, Asia. From now on, you’re on your own,” he growled.
“Good!” I stood up, so we were face-to-face.
In my heels, I was only a few inches shorter than Shaun. We stared each other down, like two bulls ready to charge.
“Whatever. I’m outta here. You coming, Marcus? I’m sure my friend has someone you could hang out with,” Shaun said, losing our staring match as he looked down at Marcus sitting on the bench.
“Nah, man. I’m good.”
I smiled inside, wondering if maybe he decided to take me up on my offer. For some reason, I was still convinced that it was a good idea. I was sure it was temporary insanity.
I stood there with my arms crossed as I watched Shaun get into a cab. As the yellow car took off with my brother in the back, a smile slowly curled on my lips as I looked down at Marcus.
He grinned and shook his head. “No way, Asia.”
I sighed. “Fine then. I’m going back in.”
I turned around and started stomping back toward the club. His rejection hurt more than I’d expected it to. Truth be told, I’d never expected the rejection in the first place. Marcus had flirted with me every time I saw him, so I’d thought he would be a sure thing.
I knew getting involved with him would be dangerous, but it seemed easier to have a sexual relationship with someone I knew and trusted than a stranger I met in a club. Not to mention, I’d already slept with Marcus, so it would save me from adding another notch to my belt. With that thought, I snorted. Guys couldn’t wait to add a notch, and here I was, trying to keep mine to a minimum.
When I made it to the door, Marcus grabbed my elbow and spun me around.
“I think you’ve had enough fun for one night, Asia. Let me take you home.”
I scowled at him. “In case you didn’t hear what I said to Shaun, I’m a grown woman, and I can take care of myself.”
Pulling my arm out of his grasp, I turned around and gave the doorman a sexy smile. Just as I was about to speak, Marcus wrapped his arm around my waist and picked me up, dragging me backward with him.
“What are you doing? Let go of me!” I yelled, throwing a tantrum like a two year old.
Ignoring my protests, Marcus tightened his arm around my waist as he pulled me all the way to his car. After using his free hand to get his keys out of his pocket, he opened his passenger door and tossed me into the seat.
I sat there with my arms crossed, refusing to put my legs in the car. Marcus rested his arm on the car door, obviously not willing to budge. I glared at him as he smirked back. Finally deciding to give in, I let out a big sigh, swinging my legs into the car.
“Good girl.” He winked at me before he slammed the door shut.
God, I hate him.
On the way to my apartment, I kept my arms crossed as I stared out the passenger window, refusing to look at Marcus. I felt so frustrated. I just wanted to have fun. It seemed like everyone in my life was trying to hold me back, trying to control me, and I was sick of it.
All I’d wanted was a fun night out with my friends, so I could forget about the fact that I had been used and dumped again. I’d also wanted to end the night with a spicy chicken sandwich and a large frosty from Wendy’s. Is that so much to ask? Jesus!
I felt a single tear slide down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away with my palm. God, are you really crying over a fuckin’ chicken sandwich? When did you become such a pussy? Get a hold of yourself, Asia. No more tears.
Without saying a word, Marcus reached over, put his hand on my knee, and squeezed it. Even in my angry frustration, his touch sent a shiver up my spine. I could feel my insides tighten from the warmth of his hand on my bare skin. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, knowing I would just feel the sting of rejection again.
After Marcus parked his car near the curb, I reached for the handle and got out as fast as I could, hoping he would just let me go to my apartment alone. He didn’t. He was right behind me as I walked up the stairs.
When I finally got to my door, I opened it quickly and slipped in. Turning around, I held the open door close to my side, so Marcus couldn’t follow me in. I needed him to leave.
I just stood there, looking down at Marcus’s perfectly clean blue-and-black Nike Air Force 1s. Damn, even his shoes turn me on. Marcus curled his index finger under my chin as he slowly lifted my face, forcing me to meet his hazel-green eyes.
“Are you okay?”
No. “I’m fine.”
“This isn’t how you do it, Asia.”
“What?” I asked as my eyes narrowed on him.
“This isn’t
how you set yourself free,” he answered as he took in my slutty outfit.
I let go of my door and crossed my arms on my chest, coincidentally enhancing my cleavage. “Enlighten me,” I remarked sarcastically.
He gave me his glorious, spine-tingling, seductive smile, and I could feel my knees getting weak.
“No man can give you that, babe. You gotta do it yourself.”
I straightened my back as I felt my heart slowly wrap itself back up in its box, tucking itself away nice and tight. Taking a deep breath, I forced a smile onto my face as I focused in on Marcus’s eyes, watching his pupils slowly dilate.
“Bye, Marcus,” I said, stepping back.
I started to close the door, but Marcus pushed it back with his hand.
“Why are you running away from me?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because my brother ruined my night, and I asked you to sleep with me, and you said no.”
Marcus’s expression became serious, and his gaze focused on mine. “I said no because I don’t do relationships, Asia.”
I scoffed at his comment. “Good. As of last week, neither do I!” I yelled, still staring into his eyes.
He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”
“You know what? Forget I said anything. Like you said, I’m drunk, and it would be more trouble than it’s worth anyway.”
I pushed the door again, and Marcus quickly pushed it back, looking pissed.
“What the fuck did he do to you?”
“What?”
“What the fuck did Jay do to you?” he growled.
“Does it matter?” I waited for a response. He didn’t give me one, so I sighed. “Let’s just say that it has become clear to me that I’m not girlfriend material. But you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
This time, I successfully slammed my door in Marcus’s face. I quickly locked it and turned my back to the door. I let out a deep breath before covering my face with my hands, fighting the tears stinging my eyes.