“Grrrr…” I snarled. I sipped my tea, looking for calm. I couldn’t control what happened if I died, so it was better not to dwell on it. Instead, I picked up the notebook I’d brought out to the sunporch with me and began to make a list of what needed to be done. I’d need help during treatment as I wouldn’t have the energy. I’d need rides to and from treatment, as well. Would Brayden be able to make the time to help? Perhaps Emma could help.
As I finished my list, I re-visited the memory of Brayden and I when we’d first met. Our relationship was intense and glorious. I’d felt like anything was possible with him. It was the only reason I’d taken the risk in leaving my six-figure job to start a company with him. And I’d been right. Together, we built a company that caught the eye of others in the industry wanting to spend a fortune to buy us out. But we were adamant that the company was ours and would always be ours. Of course, I hadn’t worked since Lanie was born, except for occasional consulting, although I hadn’t done that in a long time.
I wondered what would happen if I visited Brayden at work and suggested a visit to the supply closet. Ten years ago, it had felt fun, exciting, right. Now, it felt silly and desperate. He’d probably tell me he had a meeting he couldn’t miss.
Realizing I was just going around and around about our relationship, I decided to move on with my day. Distraction was a valuable tool in avoiding emotions I didn’t want to feel.
I might have lost sight of my marriage, but I was still dedicated to taking care of my family. I put my tea cup in the dishwasher and turned it on to run. I needed to do some grocery shopping, and pick up Brayden’s suit from the dry cleaners.
As I started on my day, I wondered if the issue between us was how different our daily lives were. Before the kids, we spent all our time together working towards the same goals. Now my day was filled with kids, chores, and errands, while he built the business. We didn’t share anything in common except the kids. Now they were in school, perhaps I should think about working in the business again. Would he be open to that?
Except the cancer. The thought flashed in my mind reminding me that thinking of a future wasn’t a good use of my time right now. Maybe, if the cancer responded to treatment, then I could think about a future with me and Brayden and the kids. Until then, I needed to prepare for a future without me.
9
Brayden
I woke this morning as I did everyday now; alone in my bed. For all of the reflecting on my life and marriage I’d done the day before, I hadn’t made any effort to change it. I knew something was wrong. Even before I learned Terra was considering divorce. So why was I in my bed alone? Why hadn’t I done anything to make things right? Was there anything I could do to make things right?
I rose from bed, and went to the kitchen to make coffee. Like the day before, I took the quiet time in the house to wake up while looking out over the expanse of the backyard. It was lush and green due to the wet climate of the Pacific Northwest. A large swing set sat in one area. A covered outdoor patio complete with grilling station sat unused for years. When had we stopped enjoying the backyard?
Maybe we should use it, I thought as I sipped my hot brew. In fact, maybe I should take a day off and spend it with my family. I ran through my list of to-dos for the day. I didn’t like being away from work if I didn’t have to be. It felt wrong to play hooky, and yet my family was on the line here. Surely one day away wouldn’t hurt the company. Then again, would one day together really make a difference for me and Terra?
Deciding I needed to make some effort, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Kyle’s number.
“Hullo?” his sleepy voice came through the line.
“Kyle, sorry to wake you.” I checked my watch. It was six thirty. Why wasn’t he up yet? Then again, he didn’t have a family. His only responsibility was to himself. When I was single and didn’t have to share a bathroom or help get kids up, I could be up and out of the house in twenty minutes.
“It’s okay. What’s up? Is something wrong?”
“No. Everything is fine, but I’m not coming in today,” I said.
“You sick?”
“No.”
“Have you ever taken a day off?”
I thought for a moment. I’d taken a couple days off when Lanie and then Noah were born, but that was about it.
“Not in a while. I want to spend some time with the family. I know you’ll be able to oversee the cloud security project update today, and anything else that comes up.”
“Of course. No worries.”
When I hung up, I felt a mixture of relief and worry. I felt good about taking the day for my family, and yet, a sense of falling short of my duty at work. Shirking that feeling off, I went back to the kitchen and started making some breakfast.
“Aren’t you going to work?” Terra said thirty minutes later as she entered the kitchen with Noah.
“I’m taking the day off.” I sprinkled cheese into the omelet I was making for Terra. I already had pancakes warming for the kids in the oven.
“Are you sick?”
“Nope.” I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured a cup of coffee I made in a carafe instead of from pods, and handed it to her.
“What are we eating, daddy?” Lanie said as she skipped into the kitchen taking her seat next to Noah.
“Pancakes for you two, omelets for mom and me.”
“Yay!” Lanie and Noah said in unison.
Terra looked at me like she didn’t know me. That made me sad. There was a time when something spontaneous wouldn’t have been so strange. Granted, my spontaneity rarely had to do with taking a day off, but it wasn’t so out of the realm of possibility was it?
“We’re going to spend the day as a family. Kids are staying home too.”
“Double yay!” Lanie said gleefully.
“Miss school?” Terra asked, still studying me like she wasn’t sure what was going on.
“Yep.” I put her omelet on a plate and handed it to her. “One ham and cheese omelet.”
Her lips quirked up slightly. It was a small smile, but I took it as a victory. I hoped I’d score more throughout the day.
I pulled out the pancakes and served the kids. “I thought we’d go to MoPop today,” I said of the pop culture museum in Seattle.
“Do you think the kids are old enough for that,” Terra said.
“Absolutely. And if they get bored, we’ll do something else.”
Terra sat at the table, helping the kids with syrup. When my omelet finished, I sat with them.
“So, what do you say? Burrow family holiday today?” I looked around the table at my family.
“Yay. What’s at MoPop, daddy?” Lanie asked with a mouthful of pancake.
“Fun stuff about music and movies and more. You’ll love it.” I held up my class of orange juice like I was making a toast. “To the first annual Burrow Family Holiday.”
“Annual?” Terra asked. I studied her as her expression appeared sad at the idea.
“Do you think we should do it quarterly? Monthly?”
Again, her lips quirked up slightly and then she looked down at her breakfast. Irritation flared that she wasn’t meeting me half-way on this.
“Daddy? Can we go to the zoo?” Noah asked.
“Maybe.”
“Can we get a shrimp?” Lanie asked.
“That’s a lot for one day,” Terra said.
I frowned. Was she trying to rain on my parade?
“Let’s see how things play out,” I said.
After breakfast, I helped get the kids ready and then took my own shower. As I came out of the bathroom in my towel, Terra was sitting on the bed, several of her clothes strewn on the bed. Her eyes appeared to be staring off into space.
“You okay?” I asked.
She flinched as if I startled her. “Yes.” She stood and started looking at her clothes. “I don’t know what to wear. Nothing really fits me anymore.”
“Whatever is comfortable,” I said, watch
ing her. I had a sense that she thought she was too heavy, but I liked the curves. I wanted to tell her that, but for some reason, I didn’t. Maybe she’d think I was just giving her a line. Or just wanted sex. There was once a time I was open about everything, and it felt like she was open with me. But now, even when she spoke to me, I often felt like I didn't understand her.
We spent the morning moving through the museum. The kids were fascinated by the science fiction fantasy and gaming exhibits, but once I got them into a sound lab where they could play a guitar and bang on drums, I was sure I’d won dad of the year in their eyes.
For lunch we picked up sandwiches and headed to a local park for a picnic. Once the kids finished eating, they ran off to play on the equipment.
I turned on my bench so I could watch them.
“I think they’re having fun,” I said. I looked at Terra from the corner of my eye as she wiped her mouth with her napkin. There was a time that I couldn’t get enough of that mouth. “How about you? Are you having fun?”
She gave me a wan smile and then turned on the bench to watch the kids too. “Yes.”
Why was I so irked at her response? I was making an effort, dammit. Why couldn’t she?
“Are you sure?” I didn’t like that my tone hinted at my irritation.
She looked at me. “Yes.”
“You’re not acting like you’re having fun. I wanted a special day for us, but I feel like all I’ve done is ruin your routine.”
She looked down and then out at the kids. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
Like what? I wondered. My impulse was a snarky retort about what was the worry about the laundry, but it would be an asshole thing to do to minimize the work she did to keep the family and house running. And it would defeat my purpose.
Instead, I turned toward her. “I did a lot of thinking yesterday, Terra.”
She kept her gaze out on the kids, and again, I swallowed the annoyance that she wouldn’t look at me.
“Your wanting a divorce—”
“I don’t want a divorce.”
This time I was the one to look away. “You met with a lawyer.”
“I was feeling desperate…alone…”
“I’m here, Terra. I don’t want out. I want to fix us. Whatever I have to do, I’m going to make sure we’re okay.”
She looked at me, really looked, in a way I hadn’t noticed in a long time. It wasn’t in disappointment, anger, or irritation. For a moment, I thought I saw hope in her pretty green eyes.
“We’ll be okay,” I said again, hoping that was what she needed to hear. I leaned forward, pressing my lips to her mouth, much in the same way I had that first time I kissed her. I tested the waters with a light brushing of my lips over hers before sinking in.
I heard a giggle. “Look Noah, daddy is kissing mommy.”
A part of me was sad that seeing me kiss their mother was such a rarity. I pulled away, and gave Terra’s arm a squeeze before standing.
“You’re next,” I said as I chased after Lanie. “Kisses for all the Burrows.”
Lanie squealed and started running as I chased her around the playground. “You too Noah. You’re next.”
He grinned as he jumped off the swing and started running too. I chanced a glance to Terra, hoping that she would accept this olive branch and work with me to get back what we lost.
10
Terra
My lips hummed as the feel and the taste of his mouth lingered on mine. How long had I been wishing for this man? For a day like today? For a kiss? My heart longed to give in to this. To hope that this was the start of the path back together for Brayden and me. I’d decided our marriage wasn’t a priority now, but if fixing it was a possibility, shouldn’t I grab a hold of it and savor it while I could?
The practical part of me chimed in and said, no. It argued that I needed to maintain some distance between me and Brayden. What would happen if I gave in and then this cancer took me? Would being close again make his grief more acute and therefore harder for him to care for the kids? Losing me would be easier for him if we maintained some of this distance, I decided. As much as I wanted to pursue whatever he was offering, my priority now was in preparing for treatment and my possible demise.
Tears came to my eyes as I watched Brayden scoop up Noah and plant a big kiss on his cheek. Noah laughed and held on to Brayden. There’d been a time I was afraid Noah and Brayden didn’t have a close enough bond, but I could see in this moment that both were completely devoted.
“Can’t get me, daddy,” Lanie called out.
“Oh, I’ll get you,” Brayden hoisted Noah on his shoulders and chased Lanie with Noah holding on and sporting a large smile.
They’d be alright, I thought as I wiped my tears.
“Mommy, save me, save me.” Lanie rushed to me.
I pushed my grief away, wrapping my arms around her. “This is my baby,” I said to Brayden as he approached.
“I’m the kissy monster…”
Lanie squealed as she sunk deeper into my lap. “He’s gonna get me mommy.”
“I’m gonna kiss her too,” he said. With one hand holding Noah’s leg, Brayden put his other hand behind my neck, leaned forward, and planted another firm kiss on my mouth. Then just as quick, he lifted Lanie from my lap, and kissed her.
“Oh no, he distracted me. The kissing monster got my baby,” I said teasingly.
His eyes sparked with a heat I hadn’t seen in a while. “It’s good to know I can still distract you.”
My entire body flushed with warmth. I’m sure my cheeks turned pink. God, I so desperately wanted to let my heart go and run off with all this emotion. But until I knew my prognosis, it would be cruel to him to give him hope only to leave him.
By that evening, the kids were exhausted. I was tired too, but in a good way. It was the kind of tired from a well-lived life. Brayden gave that to me, to us, today.
I helped Noah get ready for bed, and was about to lay down with him, when Brayden came in. He lay down on the other side.
“Noah?”
“Hmmm,” Noah’s voice was sleepy as his eyes closed.
“You’re a big boy now, aren’t you?” Brayden said.
“I’m four.”
“Do you think you can sleep in your own bed and mommy can sleep in hers?”
My first instinct was to protest, but I caught myself when I realized Noah wasn’t protesting.
“What if I get scared?”
“Then we’ll come in. But you’ve got George watching out for you. And here,” Brayden got up and grabbed a large stuffed teddy bear that sat on Noah’s shelf. “This bear will be here too.” He set the bear beside Noah, who snuggled into the plush toy.
“You okay, Noah?” I asked, trying to understand the sadness I was feeling. This should be a good thing. It was a good thing. And yet, I was sad that he didn’t need me.
“Goodnight, son.”
“Night daddy.”
I kissed his forehead. I started to tell him that if he needed me to call, but I didn’t want Brayden to think I was sabotaging his plan.
“Goodnight, honey.”
“G’night mommy.”
Brayden took my hand and led me to the living room. “Want some wine?”
I was tired and feeling like I should be with Noah, but I knew I’d destroy everything if I went to be with Noah. Or maybe I was trying to avoid being alone with him because I didn’t want to tell him about the cancer. Once that was out, everything would change. “Yes. That would be nice.”
He poured me a glass and came to sit with me on the couch. “We need to talk.”
I nodded. I was apprehensive. Brayden and I rarely talked alone anymore.
“I’m going to look into ways I can work less,” he said.
This was what I wanted all along. Plus, if he worked less, that would mean more time with the kids, which would be important if I didn’t survive. So why didn’t I grab hold of his words?
“You don’t h
ave to do that. Your work is important.”
He frowned. “So are you and the kids.”
I looked down into my wine. I needed to tell him about my cancer, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
“I thought this was what you wanted. What’s going on?” Irritation laced his tone.
“You don’t need to do us any favors.” Again, I cursed myself for such insensitive words.
His eyes flashed with anger. “Jesus, Terra. Do you really think that’s what today was?”
“No.” I shook my head.
He started to move away, but I put my hand over his forearm.
“No. Today was lovely and I know you did it because you love the kids.”
“And you. I love you too, Terra. Is that it? You’ve stopped loving me?”
“No.” I’d always love him.
“Then what is going on? I’m trying to fix this between us. I want to take you out without the kids like we used to, but you seem to be putting on the breaks on everything I try. Why is that?”
I took a gulp of wine, trying to find the words to tell him I was sick. “I’d like to go out,” I said instead.
He studied me like he wasn’t sure if he could believe me.
“Emma could watch the kids.” I told myself that I’d tell him about my illness then. I wouldn’t spoil our lovely day with my news, even though I knew I was just making excuses because I was a coward.
“I’ll set it up,” he said, still looking skeptical.
I smiled.
“You look tired,” he said, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ears. I closed my eyes as I savored the warmth of his hand and the tenderness in his voice.
“I am. You wore us out today.”
“Come on then. Let’s go to bed.”
I wondered if he was going to try and have sex with me as he led me to our bedroom. I wondered if I’d feel comfortable enough in my body to let him. Instead, once we had our pajamas on and climbed into bed, he simply pulled me into his arms and held me.
Imperfect Love (Heart 0f Hope Book 4) Page 6