“I could die,” I blurted out, hating that parts of what he was saying were true. There was a part of me hiding from him by staying with Noah. I hadn’t met him in the middle as he tried to give me and the kids more time. But the reality was, I had to get my affairs in order in case my treatment failed. I couldn’t worry about myself or our marriage. All that mattered was that my kids would be okay. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him, but it seemed like the right time nonetheless.
“We all die someday, Terra.”
His response shocked me and I had to remind myself that he didn’t know I was sick.
Angry, scared, and hurt, I blurted out. “I have stage three breast cancer.” Then not wanting to know his response, I jerked open the door and rushed from his office, making my way as quickly as I could out of the building.
An hour later, I was called into the oncologist’s office. I took a seat where he indicated, and he sat across from me. “Is your husband coming?”
I shook my head. “He had to work.”
My oncologist frowned, clearly disapproving of Brayden’s choosing to work over being with me. I was a bitch for not clearing up the truth of the situation. Brayden didn’t even know about this visit.
“I feel good about your prognosis, Terra, but support is so crucial to health in general, especially during treatment. Is everything okay in your marriage?”
No. On the drive over, I second guessed my belief about Brayden having an affair. His response had been to turn the tables on me. Was that just a way to deflect his own actions or was he really offended and hurt by my accusation?
“You know how it is. He works a lot for the family.”
“Does he know about your diagnosis?” he asked.
I nodded, but didn’t come clean that he’d only just learned about it an hour earlier. “When it’s time for treatment, I’ll have support,” I said, thinking I needed to talk to Emma too.
He studied me for a moment, but then thankfully, he moved on. “Here is the treatment schedule I recommend. We’ll do a cycle of neoadjuvant chemotherapy to shrink the tumor. Then we’ll schedule surgery for a lumpectomy, and follow with radiation.”
“It sounds straightforward.”
“It is, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy emotionally or physically. Your mother had cancer, didn’t she?”
“Yes.” I swallowed the fear that swelled up. I could so easily end up like my mother. Spending my last days sick and weak from treatment that didn’t work to cure her. “She had treatment but it didn’t take.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Like I said, I feel good about your prognosis, but we do want to be aggressive.”
“You’re not recommending a mastectomy.” To me, that would be aggressive.
“Not at this time.”
Those words suggested that at another time losing my breasts might be a possibility. I didn’t think I was a woman who felt her sense of womanhood was in her tits, and yet, the idea of losing them cut me to the core. How many times had Brayden brought me to climax when he was making love to me by sucking on my nipples? They’d been a source of nourishment for my children when I breastfed them.
“When do I start?”
“I’d like to start next week. We’ll do a short cycle, and then have the surgery next month.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“While the cycle will be short, you’ll have shorter recovery time between each treatment.”
He continued on explaining the process and procedures. By the end of the visit, I had a sense of what I’d need help with, not just in getting to and from the treatment, but afterwards.
While I was nervous, what concerned me the most was my children. I could only imagine how scared they’d be to see me so weak. If I lost my hair, that would further alarm them. And if all this failed, I hated to think about the grief they’d endure. I knew all about that from losing my own mother. At least I’d been older when she died. Lanie and Noah were still so young.
I left the doctor’s office with the intention of heading home. Checking my watch, I still had a little time before the kids would be off from school. I drove to Discovery Park, deciding to try to find a little calm and tranquility before having to hide my fears from my children, and deal with Brayden whenever he got home from work. I walked the trail out to the beach, and watched as the water lapped at the coast.
The day was clear, and looking southeast, I could see Mt. Rainier in the distance. The gray of lower part of the mountain blended into the horizon making it look like the snow-covered peaks were floating. When Brayden and I were first together, he’d taken me hiking and, eventually, camping near the mountain. Growing up with money, I’d never roughed-it before, but I’d loved it. Or maybe it was just being with him. There was a time he could have sat and read the phonebook to me and I’d have been enthralled.
I found a place to sit, and contemplated what I’d do if it turned out my time was limited. Many motivational gurus suggested living each day as if it were the last, but it was possible that my days really were limited. If that was the case, I could have anywhere from a few months to a couple of years left. What would I do with that time?
We were fortunate to have money, which meant we had the resources to live life to the fullest. We could take the kids camping or to Disneyland. Or both. We could hire tutors so they could be home schooled and then I could be around them all day.
I wondered if Brayden would be okay with that. He didn’t like to spend money frivolously, but it didn’t seem to me that using money so I could spend as much time as possible with the kids was frivolous.
A part of me felt I was being unfair to him. If he was still the man I married, he’d never cheat and he’d want to give me the world. So why did I think he wasn’t that man anymore?
Don’t try to make yourself feel better by accusing me of abandoning this marriage when it’s your doing.
His words, spoken in anger, came back to me. I wouldn’t have said I’d abandoned the marriage. He’d drifted away, focusing on work. I resented that and gave up trying anymore. But his words made me realize he’d done the same. He blamed me for our drifting apart and, until the other day, he’d given up trying to bridge the distance.
If this cancer was going to take me, I wanted to live life to the fullest, and to give my children all the love and security I could offer. That meant I needed to find a way back to Brayden. I wasn’t sure if we could get back what we had, but we could at least give the kids a happy home. I didn’t want them to remember me as being an unhappy wife, or tension between their parents.
I checked my watch and I realized, it was time to head back to the real world. I needed to pick up the kids and get them settled at home. Brayden had scheduled a date night for us, but I wasn’t sure that was still on after the way I’d run off this afternoon. If he came home at a decent hour and was still willing, we would go on that date even if he was pissed at me. At the very least we needed to talk about how to prepare the kids for my illness, as well as what could happen if the cancer spread.
13
Brayden
What did she say?
I stood paralyzed and speechless as the last few minutes replayed in my head. She accused me of cheating on her. I accused her of not giving a damn if I was.
I have stage three breast cancer.
I knew nothing about stages, but the word cancer sent a cold chill through me. Cancer. The word broke through my stupor. Cancer…Jesus, she had cancer.
I looked to where she’d just been standing but she was gone. I rushed out the door after her, cursing myself for being so dense and letting her escape.
“Where is she?” I called to Johanna who was sitting at her desk.
“She went into the elevator.”
I ran like a madman poking the button like it would somehow immediately open if I poked it enough.
“Fuck.” I wasn’t prone to swearing on the job, at least in front of my staff. Right now, I didn’t care.
“Mr. Burro
w? Is everything alright?” Johanna asked.
I had to catch Terra and find out what the hell was going on. People survived cancer, right? Was stage three the treatable type?
“Mr. Burrow?”
I turned as Johanna approached me.
“Is there something you need?” She studied me. “I went ahead and broke down that data, but…is everything okay with you and Mrs. Burrow?”
Not if she was dying…it wasn’t. Why the hell had I been such an ass? How long had we been disconnected? A year? Two? Had I wasted all that time?
“Hey, Bray, I need to get with you on the cloud project,” Kyle said exiting the elevator door that finally opened. “A bug. I think it’s easily fixable, but you need to take a look.”
Johanna and Kyle waited for me to answer.
“What’s going on?” Kyle asked.
“I think something happened between him and Mrs. Burrow,” Johanna said, talking like I wasn’t there. The truth was, I wasn’t all there.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“I’ll just put these on your desk.” Johanna left us alone.
“Listen, I know Terra has been on you about being gone a lot and you want to spend more time at home, but this bug needs to be addressed. You know how it is when we get close to beta testing and release.”
I nodded.
“Should we go into your office?”
I started toward my office, but then stopped. What the fuck was I doing? Bug or not, I wasn’t going to waste another minute away from Terra. Estranged or not, I loved her and the thought of losing her was something I couldn’t bear.
“I’ve got to find Terra,” I said, turning back to the elevator.
“This won’t take long.”
“You deal with it. I trust you.” Thankfully the elevator was quick in its arrival. I rode down and rushed out to the parking lot. I didn’t see her or her car. She must think the worst of me. No good husband would have let the love of his life get away after sharing such news.
I ran to my car, and drove like a maniac toward home. It was a miracle I didn’t get in an accident or a ticket. I barely turned off the engine before I was out of the car and running into the house.
“Terra!”
The quiet in the house heightened my panic. She looked fine in my office, but maybe she was really sick. Had she gone to the hospital? Had I lost her already?
My rational mind said to calm down and look for the most likely answer, such as she was picking up the kids. But my heart was racing from fear. I hadn’t told her I loved her since…when? I think I mentioned it the other day, but I wasn’t sure. Fuck!
The door from the garage opened. I rushed to it and thanked God when she entered the kitchen. Running on adrenaline and panic, I moved to her wanting to hold her.
She held a hand up to block me. Hurt and anger lanced through me. Was she really going to continue to push me away?
“We need to act normal,” she said, with a nod behind her.
“No.” I wasn’t going to continue to live like our lives were separate any longer. “You’re my wife, Terra. It should be normal to hold you. I fucking need to hold you.”
“Umm…daddy said the f-word,” Lanie said as she and Noah filed through the door.
First things first, I thought, and pulled Terra to me. “I know we can’t talk now, but let me hold you for a second.”
She relaxed into me. Feeling her body settle into mine like a perfect puzzle piece highlighted just how long it had been since she and I had connected. Not just physically, like this, but emotionally as well.
“Are we still on for dinner?” she asked.
Jesus, I’d forgotten about that. I lifted my head to look at her.
“We can talk then,” she said.
“Yes, of course.” I caressed her cheek with my thumb noting how tired she looked. “Can I help with the kids?”
“Maybe you could take them out back and let them work off some of their energy while I make a snack.”
“Come on Burrow bugs, time to go out back to play,” I said.
“You said a bad word.” Noah’s serious face looked up at me.
“I’m sorry about that,” I said reaching down to pick up him and then Lanie.
“You shouldn’t use that word,” Lanie said, holding my cheeks in her tiny hands as she scolded me.
“You’re right.”
“You should go to time out,” she said sternly.
“I tell you what. Let’s go outside so you can play, and I’ll do time out there.”
“Okay.”
It was difficult to focus on the kids when I had a driving need to be with Terra and to find out what was going on. But I did my best to act like everything was fine until Emma showed up with Nina to babysit.
“You’re not wearing that, are you?” she said when she saw Terra. I wondered if she knew about Terra’s diagnosis. She didn’t seem to, but maybe she was covering because she didn’t think I knew. It was another source of hurt and guilt that Terra might tell Emma about her illness before me.
I looked over at Terra who wore basic black slacks and a white blouse. It wasn’t fancy, but there was nothing wrong with it either.
“I don’t have—”
“You have this.” Emma thrust a garment bag to her.
“What did you do?” Terra asked, unzipping the bag.
“I got you that dress you should have bought when we were shopping. You thought you wouldn’t have an opportunity to wear it, yet as it turns out, you do.”
Emma gave me a look that suggested I needed to do better in spending time with my wife. She wasn’t wrong about that.
“You shouldn’t have,” Terra said. “It’s too much.”
“Pah. Go put it on. You can’t leave this house until you do.”
Terra bit her lower lip, a sure sign that she wanted the dress but felt conflicted about taking it.
“Can I reimburse you?” I asked Emma.
“No. This is my gift to you…to both of you. Now go, Ter. I’ve got to round up the rugrats.” She left the kitchen to go find the kids.
“I guess I’ll change.”
“I’ll wait,” I said, feeling bad that she hadn’t bought a dress she liked because she didn’t think she’d have a chance to wear it. It was yet another reminder that I’d need to do better. How many reminders had I had lately?
A few minutes later, she walked out and my heart rolled in my chest. She looked stunning. It reminded me of the Terra I’d met and fallen in love with before life had worn us down. The dress was snug over curves she’d developed since having kids. The top accentuated the fuller breasts that I occasionally imagined fucking, but now, wondered if they’d be removed with her new diagnosis.
Before, her long brown hair had been pulled back in a loose tail, but now it hung loose over her shoulders. It even appeared that she put on a little more makeup.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said. Propelled by the need to kiss her, I stepped to her.
Her smile was lovely although a little self-conscious as well. “I’m bigger than I used to be.”
I rubbed her arms with my hands. “The curves are sexy.” I smiled at her and then leaned in for the kiss I desperately needed.
When I pulled back, she dipped her head, looking down. Again, I felt like she was putting up a wall.
“Don’t Terra. Don’t withdraw from me.”
She smiled, but it felt forced. “Shall we go to dinner?”
On the drive, I twisted my brain into pretzels trying to figure out what was going on with her. Why was she putting up a wall?
Instead of going to the restaurant, I drove to the lake and parked. The moon cast a beautiful glow over the water. It had all the makings of romance, but clearly, Terra didn’t want that.
“What’s going on?” she asked as I turned off the engine.
“That’s what I want to ask you.” I tried to keep my voice neutral even though I was feeling irritated and desperate. “Let’s go for a walk
before dinner.”
She nodded and once out of the car, we walked along the water. We were silent as I waited for her to take the lead. When she didn’t, I jumped in.
“Tell me about the cancer.”
Her eyes closed for a second. She stopped and looked out over the water. “It’s stage three. I’m scheduled to start chemo next week to shrink the tumor.”
“No surgery?” It seemed to me cutting the thing out was a better option.
“After the chemo. My doctor is trying to save the breast, I guess.”
I took her hand and brought it over my heart. “So, it’s treatable?”
She nodded, but it didn’t seem like she believed it. “He says he feels good about the prognosis…”
“But you don’t?” That could explain some of her behavior.
“My mother died of cancer, after a lot of treatment. It doesn’t always work.”
My heart lurched to my throat as fear gripped me. But she was the one suffering the disease, not me. It was my job to be strong. So, I pushed my fear down.
I put my arms around her. “You’ll fight and win, Terra.”
She looked down. “I’ll need you and Emma to help. I know you’ve got a lot going on at work—”
“Fuck work,” I said. I dropped my forehead to rest against hers. “I know I’ve been a bad husband—”
“Not bad—”
“But I love you Terra. That hasn’t changed.”
“Cancer changes everything.”
I lifted my head. “You think I’m making an effort because of this?” That annoyed me a little bit. Sure, the urgency of our situation had picked up, but I’d been making an effort before this. “I’ve been trying to reach you even before this, but you’re resistant.”
She looked down again.
“Is the cancer why you decided not to divorce me?” Duel emotions of anger and hurt worked their way through my gut at this idea, but I pushed them away. Now wasn’t the time to get into a fight.
Imperfect Love (Heart 0f Hope Book 4) Page 8