by J. Bengtsson
I grabbed Lassen by the arm to move him along. He’d gone into some freaky survival mode, complete with glazed over eyes and emotional detachment. It was like the lights were on but nobody was home.
“You all right there, bud?” I asked, patting his back. “I’m going to need you to snap out of this because you and I are about to divide and conquer. Which one do you want, Sydney or Riley?”
“I want to go home.”
“That’s not one of your options. If you don’t choose, I’ll pick one for you.”
Sydney and Riley had two totally different approaches to enjoying their day. Syd wanted tickets, lots of tickets. Apparently her strategy was to hoard as many as possible so that she then could trade them in for a toy, which in the end would cost four times what it would have at Target.
Riley didn’t give a rat’s ass about the tickets. He was all about the games, and this particular place seemed to have hundreds of them to choose from. The minute I stepped foot in the establishment, I knew keeping both kids happy was not possible without a tag team approach, and that’s why I was now giving Lassen the option.
“Sydney,” he mumbled.
“That’s the spirit,” I said, grinning.
Lassen spent the next hour or so following Sydney around and mindlessly supplying her with endless amounts of tokens. It had been a wise choice, indeed, because there was no way my friend could have survived the more physically demanding activities Riley was choosing, like Dance Dance Revolution and the Human Hamster Wheel.
The one giant positive to being in a kid’s joint like this was that no one, and I mean no one, was expecting me to be in such a place. With a baseball cap pulled down over my forehead, I could have been any other dad chasing his kids around.
Vadim stood off to the side watching the proceedings, all while keeping a healthy distance away so as not to draw attention to me. Unfortunately that strategy backfired, as my security guy was targeted by a suspicious group of moms. I could see their point; he was definitely giving off a pervy vibe standing there in the corner by himself looking out over the crowd of kids.
The situation grew out of control faster than a brush fire fanned by the Santa Ana winds, and soon Vadim, an ex-Russian mercenary, was at the center of the firestorm. Moms with pitchforks closed ranks around him, demanding an explanation for his whole creeper-in-a-corner act. A pimply teenaged manager was called into action. He weighed all of a hundred and twenty pounds and shivered as he got his first look at Vadim in all his Terminator glory.
“S…S…Sir do you have a child here?”
Vadim didn’t answer. Nor did he even turn his head to acknowledge the guy.
The rail-thin little manager reached his arm toward Vadim, possibly to lead him out of the establishment, but if he laid even one finger on my bodyguard, I was certain he’d be in a deadly chokehold in a matter of seconds.
Sending Riley over to Lassen, I broke through the group and introduced myself. As I pulled my cap off, several people actually gasped.
“Guys, it’s okay. He’s my bodyguard. Sorry if he startled you. He was just trying to protect me.”
The manager’s mouth dropped open. He couldn’t have been older than nineteen. I wondered what life skills this kid possessed to have been made manager of a Chuck E. Cheese’s, or to potentially handle a situation with a real pervert in the place.
“I’d appreciate it if we could keep this quiet, so I can stay here a little longer with my niece and nephew.”
“Oh, yeah… Okay…uh…I… Sure, sorry.”
“We’re good, then?”
“Um…yes.” The man-child manager turned to the mommy gang and asked, “Are you all okay with this now?”
There was a collective head nod from the mob, and as they dissipated, I replaced my cap and grabbed Vadim’s arm, dragging him with me as I went back to the kids. Only I couldn’t find them. Or Lassen.
“Shit, where are they?” I immediately felt a tightness in my chest. I knew better than anyone how quickly things could turn wicked.
Vadim went into mercenary mode. His body taut with purpose, he scanned the play area like it was a battlefield.
“Jake!” Sydney waved, calling out to me as she glided down the slide coming from the Sky Tubes. One kid, thank god.
“Where’s Riley?” I asked, still trying to make sense of his disappearance.
“In the tubes, with Lassen.”
All tension dissolved as I processed the words she’d spoken.
Gaping at her in surprise, I asked, “Lassen’s in the tubes?”
“Uh-huh. I think he might be stuck, though,” Sydney said, as if a man the size of Lassen stuck in a suspended hamster house was no big deal.
“Wait, Syd, are you sure he’s stuck?”
“Well, he’s crying, so…”
“Lassen’s crying?” The shock of what I was hearing was causing my head to spin.
“Actually, it was more like moaning.” She proceeded to mimic the sound he was making.
“Oh, god, where are they?”
She pointed up to the highest tube. “You want me to show you?”
“Yeah, that might be a good idea.”
Mistake number five was inviting Lassen to come along. I realize that I already mentioned this mistake, but with the current situation we found ourselves in, I feel it’s worth repeating.
Sydney scaled the rope walls like Spiderman. My journey up wasn’t as effortless. I wasn’t that old, but damn, I felt like I was, as kids as young as four whizzed passed me at lightning speed. How in the hell had Lassen gotten up here? Although he’d lost quite a few pounds as a result of a health scare last year, he was still a big man.
It didn’t take long to figure out where Lassen was. There was a human traffic jam twelve kids long. Most of them were turning around and squeezing by me to use another tunnel by the entrance. I crawled toward Lassen who was lying on his stomach at a bend in the tubes. Riley was sitting behind him patting him on the back.
Sydney got to them first and impatiently demanded, “Move it, big man.”
“Back off!” Lassen’s growl echoed through the tubes.
“Dude, are you stuck?” I asked, finally reaching my friend.
“No. I’m claustrophobic.”
“He was crying,” Riley offered.
“I wasn’t crying, I was panicking. There’s a difference.”
The situation was too funny not to laugh. So I did. Hysterically. Sydney and Riley joined me.
“When you’re done, will you call the fire department, please?” Lassen panted. “They’re going to need the jaws of life to cut me out of here.”
“You don’t need rescuing. I’ll help you,” I said, before addressing my niece. “Syd, I want you to take Riley back through the entrance and then wait with Vadim until I come out.”
“Not a chance. I don’t want to miss a second of this.”
“Sydney,” I scolded through barely controlled laughter, “if you do what I say, and you hold Riley’s hand, and you stand next to Vadim until I get Lassen out, I will buy you a buttload of tickets so you can get any toy in the prize booth.”
Syd eyeballed me. “Any toy?”
“That’s right.”
“I want the giant pastel slinky.”
“Done.”
I was pleasantly surprised by how easily Syd caved. Damn, bribery was a legit parenting tactic. I didn’t care how much that giant slinky was going to cost me; my niece’s cooperation would be worth every penny.
“Okay, come on, Riley.”
“Hold his hand the whole time, Syd. That’s the deal.”
“I know. I know. See you on the other side, Rock Star.”
“How old are you again?” I laughed, and then turned my attention back to Lassen as the kids scooted back out and climbed down through the entrance. “Okay, I think our best bet is to have you move forward and not back.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I can’t fucking move,” he spat, und
er his breath. “And I don’t appreciate you laughing at me. This is all your fault in the first place.”
“Hey, I just brought you here. You’re the chump who decided to take a tour through the tubes.”
“For you, Jake.”
“Me?”
“You handed Riley off to me, and then the little shit took off into the tubes. I had no choice but to follow him in.”
Now I felt somewhat bad for him… nah, not really. His predicament was what America’s Funniest Home Videos was made for.
“Dude, I hate to say this in such crude terms, but you’re like a giant butt plug…nothing’s going in or out. Kids are piling up, and it’s only going to get worse. So what I need you to do is to take a deep breath and start squirming your way out.”
I felt a tug on my shirt.
“Excuse me, mister,” a little voice said. I looked back to find the most adorable little golden-haired girl, no more than four, trying to climb over me. Her pigtails bobbed as she again repeated. “Excuse me.”
“You’re not going to be able to get through,” I tried to explain to her. “It’s best to go the other way.”
“But I want to go down the slide,” she pouted.
Coming up behind her was her dad. “What’s the hold up? Is he all right?”
“He’s just a little claustrophobic,” I explained. “Give me a second, okay.”
“Is he dead, daddy?” the girl asked.
“No, he’s not dead. Hey, wait a minute, are you Jake McKallister?”
“Yeah, I am.”
I pushed on Lassen with all my might, but he simply tilted to the right and did not move.
“No way! I mean, no way! This is crazy. What are you doing at a Chuck E. Cheese’s? You don’t have kids, do you?”
“I’m here with my niece and nephew.”
“I can’t believe this. Can I take a picture with you?”
“Oh, my god,” I heard Lassen complain.
“I’m kind of busy right now,” I explained, even though the situation seemed fairly self-explanatory. “But after I get him out… sure.”
“Yeah, yeah, no problem. Can I help?”
Another child and adult came up behind the dad and his daughter.
“It’s Jake McKallister,” he filled in the newbies. They were sufficiently impressed. A camera flashed. And then another.
“Lassen, if you start inching forward, I’ll buy you a pastel slinky from the prize booth.”
“Shut up. I’m moving.”
And much to my surprise, he had wriggled his big body past the bend and was slowly but surely slithering his way through the tubes. I crawled after him. Behind me was an ever-growing pile-up of bodies. After making another turn, I could see the slide directly ahead.
“That’s it, buddy. Just follow the light.”
Lassen didn’t find me funny in the least. His panting was out of control, like a dog in some serious heat. Through the power of sheer will and terror, though, my driver mercifully arrived at the top of the slide; but instead of maneuvering his body around and taking the ramp on his ass, Lassen just inched his body forward and slid down head-first like a rag doll. When he got to the bottom, Lassen oozed his exhausted body off the slide and collapsed into a heap.
Sydney, still holding Riley’s hand, walked over and nudged him with her shoe. “You okay there, big man?”
I didn’t hear Lassen’s reply but, by the look of surprise on Syd’s face, he hadn’t used a PG-13 word.
After rescuing Lassen from his living hell, we allowed him to lick his wounds in a far corner, while the kids and I continued to play. True to my word, I began buying the place out of tickets so I could win my niece her coveted giant pastel slinky. Syd’s bargain prize was understandably impressive. I should have known it wouldn’t be your average everyday slinky. No, this one was the size of a large possum, and somehow we were going to have to make room for it in the confines of the tour bus. Riley went for a less remarkable yet still highly satisfying Nerf gun. They were happy.
Less happy was Vadim, who’d been forced to call in back-up when my presence at Chuck E. Cheese began making the rounds on social media. Crowds surged through the front doors as Vadim shuttled us into a private party room. While waiting for rescue, the kids and I used the left over Frozen party supplies to decorate Vadim. At six foot five and a solid wall of human steel, the man didn’t flinch once; but then after the incident with Riley in the plane, he really didn’t have room for dissent.
Once safely in the car on our way back to the venue, I struggled to keep my weary eyes open. Never had I needed a nap more than today. Casey was right. I should’ve started off small. From this day forward, it was T-ball all the way for me.
18
Casey: The Secret Keeper
Jake and I, along with Kyle and Kenzie, watched from a distance as Luke attempted to flirt with a woman at the open bar. It seemed to be going well at first, with him sliding in next to her and offering up some funny tidbit to break the ice. She smiled, tilting her head back. Definitely interested. This was good. Jake and Kyle clinked their beer bottles together, proudly cheering on their protégé. They’d spent the last hour giving him lady-wooing tips, and once they felt their baby bird was ready to fly, Luke was kicked out of the nest; or in this case, the luxury poolside cabana we were all sharing.
It was family week on the Outlast tour. True to his word, Luke had secured time off work and was staying with us for the last six days of the kids’ visit. Kenzie had arrived in town a couple of days before him, but I hadn’t seen much of her. She and Kyle had been holed up in a hotel room. I didn’t blame them one bit, as the two hadn’t been together for nearly three months due to work responsibilities.
Since moving to Los Angeles, Kenzie had become quite the social media darling after starting her own YouTube channel for small town girls living in the big city. Her fun personality combined with a talent for connecting with the average, everyday person had brought her millions of subscribers and started her on a path to a whole new career.
Initially she’d planned to take her show on the road and travel with the tour, as she’d been doing since getting together with Kyle. The two had even bought their own motorhome for the road. But then an opportunity presented itself that she couldn’t pass up. Kenzie was tapped to fill in for a daytime talk show featuring a panel of women when one of the leads went on a three-month maternity leave after the birth of her child. Although she’d appeared on a reality show, Kenzie had never done live television so she was initially quite hesitant to accept the job. Kyle was the one who ultimately talked her into doing the show and so began their long-distance relationship.
Jake and Kyle, having the day off, joined us at the pool. The cabana was in a secured area, so Jake was able to relax without worrying about being bothered, and the kids were currently off having a blast at the hotel-provided child care facility. This was adult time, and we were sucking up the quiet moments.
My hand in Jake’s, we sat side by side in our own individual lounge chairs watching the Luke show. Although there were ample chairs around them, Kyle and Kenzie had squeezed into one lounge chair, vying for butt space.
“Hey,” Kyle said, wriggling around. “Hands to yourself. I don’t appreciate it when you manhandle me like a piece of meat, Kenzie. I have feelings.”
“We’ll talk about your feelings when you get your hand off my ass.”
“I only have it on your ass to keep you from crushing my balls.”
Jake audibly groaned before getting up and dragging another lounge chair up next to them. “There. Problem solved.”
Following Jake’s entire spectacle with his eyes, Kyle turned back to Kenzie with a dopey grin on his face. “Geez, what’s his problem?”
“I know,” she agreed. “As if we want to be apart. I like squeezing in with you, sweetie.”
“Me too, honey-pie.”
“Oh, my god. Can you two take that cutesy shit someplace else?” Jake grumbled, but the upturn o
f his lips gave him away. “I can’t hear what Luke’s saying.”
“He’s across the pool, dipshit,” Kyle explained. “You couldn’t hear him anyway.”
“I know, but I just want you to shut up. Oh, damn, look at that…a hand on the shoulder. That’s a bold move,” Jake said, assessing Luke’s performance.
“Too bold,” Kyle replied. “We told him no physical contact at the first meeting. Makes him appear desperate.”
“But she looks interested, right?” I asked, a hopeful tone to my voice; but one look at the female in question and the way she leaned away from him answered my question. “Crap. She’s not.”
And just as predicted, the woman got off her stool and walked away.
We all let out an audible sigh. Another one bites the dust. Luke walked back with a dubious smile on his face as if to say, ‘See, I told you.’
Obviously, baby bird was not yet prepared to fly, and after giving it his all, he had plummeted to the ground in a puff of feathers.
Luke dropped into an open chair, sprawling out every which way.
Kyle, who’d taken to being his wellness coach asked, “Did you ask to buy her a drink?”
“I did,” Luke affirmed. “And she accepted.”
“And you told her a joke to break the ice?”
“Yep. She was squirting some Germ-X on her hands when I walked up, so I told her hand sanitizer was a gateway drug for OCD.”
“Nice,” Kyle smirked. “Good one. And did you compliment something about her?”
Just by the look on Luke’s face, this was where things had gone downhill. “I told her she had nice lips.”
“Lips?” Kyle’s brows shot to the roof. “Lips? That’s just… Dude, come on, that’s just creepy.”
“What? You said nothing cliché like eyes or body.”
“I know, but I also said to compliment her shoes or watch. Something she won’t take offense to.”
“And I would have – had she been wearing a watch or shoes,” Luke said, sounding exasperated by the interrogation. “She was wearing a bikini! There was no safe thing to compliment. I panicked.”