by A. Marie
Jesse’s chest heaves as he stares off the way Paige left. Angie does the same but Coty’s arm is around her waist in a protective manner, keeping her from getting involved. The gesture is almost laughable considering she’s not the one that’ll need protecting if she does.
The tense silence continues until Tysen speaks again. “Clarise and I just broke up. And she’s pregnant. Baby’s due this winter.”
Every head snaps to him with only a murmur of “congrats” from my friends. The break-up sucks but a baby’s a good thing, right? Better him than me, but still, why does it sound like he’s miserable about the whole thing? People can make that co-parenting shit work if they want to.
Also, what’s up with all the color draining from Jesse’s face while the other two drop theirs into their hands? This family has problems.
“Does Paige know yet?” Angela pipes in. When dude shakes his head, she steps forward and lowers her voice. “You should be the one to tell her then.”
Tysen takes her advice and heads in the direction we last saw Paige and I let him pass even though it takes everything in me to stay put and not be the one to approach her first.
Nick, still lounging with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, mutters, “This is why we don’t do celebrations anymore.”
“Or communicate properly,” Marc adds with a deep frown.
With a cocky smirk, dude wags his finger at us. “Glass houses, boys. Don’t think we didn’t notice the shock on your faces as our bitchy sister aired our dirty laundry.”
I take a step forward which finally brings Jesse back to life and he matches mine, putting us toe-to-toe which is fine with me. I’ve been itching for a fight since they showed up.
“Your household isn’t full of chatter either or you would’ve known more about Paigey-poo.”
He’s got a point but fuck if I’ll tell him that.
“Bitchy?” Angie scoffs, while Coty, flexed next to her, gauges the smoking tool. “I know bitchy, I was born and raised by the biggest one there is, so trust me when I say the only bitch I see here is you.” Pointing a finger in Nick’s direction first, she moves it to the other brothers, ticking them off one-by-one and I smirk proudly. It feels so good not to be on the receiving end of Angie’s anger for once. “And you. And maybe you. It sounds like your sister is breaking herself to care for your sick mother and you have the balls to talk shit to her for it?”
I drop the smile and instinctively tighten my fists at my sides. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Angie’s old stepbrother, Drew, taking in the scene not too far away, ready to jump in if needed. Ginger-twerp’s help isn’t necessary but I appreciate the sentiment all the same, even if he does still dress like a prep.
Seriously, who the fuck forgot to send out the memo that it’s summertime?
“What can I say? The Christensen crew is a mixed bag of tricks. We like to keep things interesting.”
My gaze collides with Angie’s and I know we’re both thinking the same thing: mixed bag of dicks.
Instead of saying it aloud though, she says, “if by interesting you mean deserting your only sister, yeah, real fucking interesting,” then aims a pointed look at each man, and Nick, at the table. “But a real family doesn’t give up on each other. My crew taught me that.”
And, I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud. Pretty sure a tear forms in my eye and I go to wipe at it using my middle finger. It took her long enough but she got it. She finally understands that this family shit is real for us and we sure as fuck wouldn’t give up on one of our own when they need support most.
A few minutes of heavy silence later, Caleb speaks as he walks past Nick, smacking the back of his head—I’m sad to report it’s not as satisfying as I’d hoped. “She’s right, it’s our baby sister’s twenty-first birthday. We came here for a reason. Let’s remember that and fuck the rest. Today we celebrate Paige and smooth things over as best we can. We’ll deal with everything else later.”
Jesse glowers at me one last time before he joins the other two as I’m left watching from the goddamn sidelines yet again.
One thing I do know is whoever dropped the weather report also failed to inform me that today is her actual birthday.
Fuck.
* * *
Coming out of the bathroom later that night, I catch Paige darting across the hall from her room into mine and I smile.
“Lost again?” I tease as she burrows into my covers without even bothering to look sorry.
Paige rejoined the party-that-definitely-wasn’t-a-party with her brothers in tow and stayed tucked safely between them the rest of the night. Each brother took turns spending time with her and as much as I hated it, I also appreciated it…for her. She needs her brothers. If she hadn’t already said it herself, you could tell just by watching them together. Which I did. All fucking night. I watched as she drank and laughed and loosened up, having a genuinely good time that I don’t think even she knew she was capable of. It made for a shit time for me but it also allowed me to come up with a plan of action for a few ideas I’ve had swirling around in my head.
I was hoping she’d already be asleep so I could get away for a bit but with her sleeping next to me, I doubt I’ll be able to slip out unnoticed.
“No, that’s cool. Make yourself at home in my bed.” I toss a pillow at her, making her chuckle. “I’m going to sleep on the couch though. My back’s messed up from that four-wheeler today.” That part’s true at least. Shit fell off the ramp partway up the trailer and I had to jump in to help Marc lift the fucking thing the rest of the way.
If Paige notices the lie about the couch, she doesn’t say anything, only frowns as I turn out the lights and leave the room. It takes a lot of effort but I know I need to now or I won’t be able to.
Spread out on the cool leather couch, I think over the last week while I wait for her to pass out. My nightmares were increasing and I was waking up bloody more days than not until a couple days ago. Until Paige started showing up in my bed. She’s like my own personal dream catcher. Thankfully she doesn’t know the full extent of them. Although, Marc did act a little weird when the subject came up earlier. He wouldn’t have told her though.
Maybe he knows something I don’t.
I snort to myself.
He’s known more than me this whole time. Motherfucker’s been keeping plenty of shit close to the chest lately. Except for the tidbit about overhearing me and Paige this morning—oh, he was all too happy to share that information. Funny how that works. If I didn’t love the guy so much, I’d hate him right about now.
“I’m sorry.”
Paige interrupts my thoughts, damn near scaring the shit out of me in the process, before she straddles my stomach and looks down at me seriously.
Frozen from the contact, it takes me a minute to figure out what she said.
“Uh, for what?”
“I could’ve been more upfront about my family. At least about my brothers. They’ve just always been around so I never had to explain who they were to anyone. This year’s been…different.”
Guilt eats a hole through my stomach like a hungry caterpillar.
Using Paige’s thighs, I push her down until her groin is in line with mine making things a bit more comfortable. She lies down across my chest and I drop my chin to her head. I can still smell the peaches from her shower this morning mixed with a tang from the alcohol she consumed, too. Not riding her motorcycle for several days has almost eliminated the usual smokiness and I realize I actually miss it. Without it her smell is just soft and sweet. Like how she tasted this morning but not exactly how I’d describe her overall. She’s caring yet gritty. Tender but edgy. She’s a tough exterior guarding a delicate heart.
“My mom left when I was ten.” There’s a roughness to my voice I wish I could rid but can’t. “She wrote a note telling my dad that she was leaving one day and never returned. She ran away to be with another dude. So fucking cliché, right?”
Paige doesn’t m
ove a muscle, so pretending she’s asleep, I continue. “I wanted her to come back more than anything. I hoped and prayed and wrote letters to her, to Santa, just begging for her return. I didn’t even care if she stayed. I would’ve gone anywhere she wanted, been anyone she wanted, as long as I could see her again.”
“Did she ever come back?”
Throat clogged, I shake my head.
“I’m sorry.”
And there it is. The pity born from pure helplessness.
“Don’t be,” I bite out.
Paige lifts her head, staring into my eyes. “No, not for her. She doesn’t deserve someone else apologizing away her actions. She owes that to you herself. For now, you don’t need it.”
I frown, not sure I’m following.
“You’re a great guy and she’s missing out, not the other way around. I’m sorry she lost the chance to watch you become the amazing human you are today.”
Now I scoff. There’s no way she means that unless the alcohol is talking for her.
“I mean it, Beckett. I’ve watched you the last couple days. You’re funny with your friends, you’re generous with your employees, you’re fair to your customers, you’re a genius in the garage—you almost put Tysen to shame.”
It came out that Tysen being strapped for cash as a floating mechanic was the reason the Christensen brothers weren’t as overjoyed about the baby news as they could’ve been. He struggles finding steady, reliable work.
“You’re fiercely loyal and protective over Marc and Coty and even Angela. I see the way you follow her every move when she’s around, making sure nobody messes with her. You’ve taken such good care of me ever since I bashed my own forehead into a wall.”
Okay, now I know the booze is loosening her tongue. She’s been dodging my questions about her injury all along, until now.
Running my fingers up her sides, as innocently as I can, I ask, “Why did you do that by the way?”
She returns the side of her face to my chest and sighs. “My job can be dangerous, too, big guy.” That’s news to me. I thought she just took blood pressure and made beds maybe. “I can’t really talk about it but one of the residents had an episode and became aggressive. I did what I needed to in order to avoid anyone else getting hurt.”
Her mom. I’d bet last month’s paycheck her mom was at risk. You can tell she’d do anything for her mom, even bloody up her own face.
Where have I heard that before?
I squeeze my eyes shut on an exhale.
“Anyway, I understand where you’re coming from. My mom’s been missing for over a year and I’ll never get her back fully.”
My eyes pop open.
“At least your mom is within reach. I couldn’t get to mine with the best GPS in the world.”
“Within reach?” Paige releases a humorless laugh. “Have you ever tried to pick up sand and end up watching it slip through your fingers? That’s what having a loved one with Alzheimer’s is really like. The biggest tease of all. The mindfuck to top all mindfucks. You can see, touch, talk to, and even hear them but it’s like doing it as a fucking ghost. They can’t see you for you, they can’t talk to you like they used to, their touch is cold and distant, they hear you without really listening. So, where GPS could find your mom, mine is hidden in plain sight where nothing and no one will ever get to her again.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Excuse me?”
She jerks up to look at me again.
“You’re wrong. At least about one thing. Your mom can feel you, maybe without knowing who you are but she can feel how good of a person you are. She can feel your love even if she doesn’t know what kind it is or why it is. If you believe in one thing, believe that her love for you is stronger than any disease ever could be and return that back to her. Love her the only way you can because that means more than anything else on this planet. The love between a parent and child is the most important kind there is and when it’s gone, that’s it. It can never be replaced. Not by friends, not by anyone. You can choose your family, sure, but you never really recover from that kind of loss.” I know I haven’t. “It goes too deep to fix.”
With a frown marring her otherwise serene face, she leans down to brush my lips with a quick, gentle kiss. It’s the first real kiss we’ve shared since our first a few days ago and it wakes an insatiable hunger for more.
“You are loved, Beckett.” Every muscle locks beneath hers. “Everyone around you loves you. I see it whenever you walk into a room. Everybody is drawn to you and your bigger than life energy. You’re like a magnet, attracting everyone in the vicinity. Losing a parent’s love is one of the worst feelings imaginable, we can both attest to that, but in your case your mom is the real loser. Don’t let her take your happiness along with her.”
My eyes search hers. What about her happiness? She’s given up everything for her mom. How is that fair? How is she better off than me?
“Do you regret giving up your own place? I heard what you told your brothers. Do you like living here?”
Something flashes in her eyes that I can’t make out before it’s gone completely as she takes in the mostly dark room. Her gaze lingers on the new light I bought then she lowers her head, relaxing once again before promptly passing out on top of my ribs and pressing into my heart in more ways than one.
Nobody’s ever said those things to me. Nobody’s ever shown me another perspective to the problem I’ve been fixated on since I was a boy. I never thought of my mom as the one suffering from being without me, I was too focused on painting her as the villain. Even if what she did was wrong, she’s still going to miss out on all the big moments in my life. The day I finally tie the knot, the day my children are born—hopefully all boys, although a little girl with dark waves surprisingly comes to mind, too—and everything in between. Also the shit I’ve never thought about mattering to anyone other than me, things like landing a jump on my dirt bike for the first time, or creating a job I’ve always wanted, or falling in love with the girl of my dreams…whenever that time may come.
Regardless of how perfect Paige feels in my arms, I still have errands to run. So after several minutes of letting the girl rest, I lift her up and carry her down the hall, hesitating between the two doorways.
To the right is my room, and to the left, Paige’s.
I should put her in hers. Let her wake up in her own bed after such an emotional day. She only gets into mine after a few too many drinks but right now I’m sober and can do the right thing. I also don’t know how much sleep I’ll be getting tonight and don’t want to bother her when I get back.
But then why can’t I make myself go left?
Knowing I shouldn’t like waking up next to her doesn’t change the fact that I do. And she does help with the nightmares.
That’s what I tell myself as my feet hook right.
CHAPTER 20
Paige
I have to stop waking up in Beckett’s bed. He’s going to get the wrong idea soon. Though I will admit his room is much more comfortable than mine. Where his is lived-in and welcoming, mine is cold and blank, void of anything personal of my own. I don’t mind because I don’t spend much time in there, even less since I’ve started squatting in Beckett’s, but I do miss my old place. My room was comfy and cozy and had my personality all over it with trinkets from each of my brothers over the years along with framed pictures from our many family escapades.
Last night would’ve been frame worthy. Well, the parts after the volatile dinner anyway. Family are the only people that can get under your skin like a bad rash but also soothe the irritation away like it was never there to begin with. I love those boys so much but they can push my buttons like no other. Each of them apologized and promised to try harder with Mom after being guilted into being better sons. Jerks.
Then, I was so excited to find out I’ll be an aunt soon that I eased up on my emotionally immature brothers more than I probably should’ve, but it’s hard. It’s hard being the ba
by in a family of egotistical assholes while feeling like you’re the only adult. Which, being an adult is its own shitty charade, by the way.
Beckett’s still fast asleep next to me, so I look around one last time before I can slip back to my barren room. Posters cover almost every square inch of Beckett’s walls, from concerts to barely-dressed models to sweet rides. A small, yet neat desk sits below the window with a laptop open to what looks like a Pinterest browser. I strain my eyes but can’t make out what he was searching for from the bed. The bed I need to leave but don’t want to part ways with just yet.
No matter how I ended up here last night, I can’t keep letting myself into his room while he’s sleeping. Which now that I think about it, how did I end up in Beckett’s room? The last thing I remember is talking with him on the couch before passing out. Did he take me to my room then I came in here later? He wouldn’t have brought me in here himself, would he?
Pulling the bulky striped comforter down, I scan Beckett’s peaceful face. The same face that was buried between my legs not once but twice yesterday.
I groan, covering my eyes with an arm. How did I let that happen?
I know. With his stupid beautiful face and his stupid beautiful smile with the wicked delicious mouth that was dirtier and bossier than I anticipated.
I feel my cheeks heat and know it’s time to leave before I do something stupid. Again.
The mattress shifts as I drop a leg over the edge, but Beckett’s large arm circles my waist, catching me in one smooth motion.
“Where are you going?”
His sultry timbre glides across my skin as he pulls me in close, inhaling where my neck meets my shoulder. My entire scalp tingles.
“To my own room?”
Something about that ruses him and he releases me to jump from the bed the next second. I watch him through wide eyes as he runs his hands through his messy hair.
“Don’t move,” he stresses before leaving the room.
Okay.
A few minutes later, he returns with something small pinched between his fingers and his other hand behind his back.