I wiggle my hips as I walk towards him, then pull my top over my head and throw it at him. I turn around still swaying my hips as I slowly remove my jeans and step out of them with my bum now in his face. He slaps it hard, which sends a wonderful hot sensation right through me. I turn to face him as I undo my bra and throw it in the air. I remove my panties and twirl them around my finger before I throw them in his direction. I can tell he’s ready for me. I kneel before him and begin to undo his pants. His proud erection pops out to present itself to me. I hungrily rise up so I can take him into my mouth. “That feels real good Babe.” I love his cock and I love to suck it. There is moisture forming in my lower regions with every suck and lick I make to his beautiful cock. Adam takes my head and gently begins to fuck my mouth. He doesn’t realize how much I like kneeling before him. My saliva increases making his enjoyment greater.
“You have a lovely mouth Babe. It’s made to suck me.” Hearing Adam causes me to suck his cock harder, as I so want to please him. I lick up and down his shaft while keeping him in my mouth and apply pressure with my tongue just under the ridge of the top of his cock. I can tell I am driving him crazy as I look up and see his face is full of passion and control not to come. He lets me suck a while longer and then pulls his cock out of my mouth and stands me up. He walks behind me and pushes me the two feet to the bottom of the bed. Still standing, he gives me a little nudge in the back. I now understand that he wants me to bend over the edge of the bed. I rest my upper body on my elbows. My feet are firmly planted on the floor, when he reaches down, grabs one ankle, and separates my feet slightly. There is some aggression in how he grabs me. I feel very vulnerable in this position but can’t wait for what is about to come. He slowly slides a finger inside me and comments, “You’re dripping wet.”
“Yes I am. That’s what you do to me,” I manage to whisper. He then grabs firmly onto both of my bum cheeks as he slides his hard cock deep inside me. I am so wet he slides in with no problem. He slowly lubricates his entire cock by sliding in and out a few times. The sensation is driving me nuts. I stay motionless, bent over the bottom of the bed as he starts to fuck me harder. I hope my knees don’t give out, I think. He then grabs my hips and stands still, slowly pulling me backward towards him and then pushing me away. With each pull, his cock is buried deep inside me. As he starts to pick up the speed, my breasts rock back and forth underneath me and my nipples rub on the bed. This only enhances the sensations. I moan - it feels so good. I love the power he has over me. He has my hips firmly in his hands and he is pounding me as hard as he can. “Oh Adam, you fuck me so well.”
“Yes, and don’t your ever forget it. This is what you wanted right?” A searing jolt surges through me when I hear him say that. He fucks me harder, gripping my hips tightly, controlling every deep thrust. He moves deliberately and his breathing is very heavy. I can almost hear my own heartbeat, it’s pounding so fast. He digs into my hips and fucks me into oblivion until I cry out so loud I am sure the neighbors can hear me. “Oh Adam, that feels so fucking good. Ahhhhh!” I collapse on the bed feeling his cock pulsating inside of me. He continues to moan after me. I know he enjoyed it as much as I did. He helps me back to my feet and directs me toward my side of the bed. He gets in beside me and kisses me hungrily, like he wants more. Our arms are wrapped around each other and Adam is holding me very close to him. It just feels so good, and I easily fall asleep in his arms.
I look over at the clock and it’s 2 in the morning. Adam is not in the bed with me. I lay in the dark for a while, thinking he may be in the bathroom. Then I realize it’s too quiet up here and I must be alone. I get up and pull my T-shirt over my head and check the bathroom by knocking on the door; there’s no response and it’s dark. As I move out into the hall I can see a hint of light from the main floor. It’s coming from the kitchen. I go down quietly in my bare feet and see that one of the massive sliding doors to the backyard is slightly ajar.
What I see is a vision of perfection. The full moon shines down over Adam’s beautiful body. He is standing at an angle looking at the pond. He has on only his jeans. I am in awe of his bare chest and powerful stature standing in the moonlight and can’t take my eyes off him. For a split second, I think he is going to howl at the moon. Instead, he turns seeing me in the light of the kitchen. I begin to walk toward him now that he has seen me. “Why are you awake, Violet? You should be fast asleep.”
“I was worried when I couldn’t find you upstairs so I came down here. Why are you awake?” When I look up at his face I can see what I think are remnants of tears on his cheeks. I wrap my arms around him. “What’s wrong?”
“Please go back to bed, Violet. It’s late and you’ll be tired tomorrow.”
“Please Adam, don’t send me away. I want to be here with you. Can you let me in just a little? You know you can trust me, and you must know how much I care about you? It shows in every fiber of my body or at least it feels that way. Please, Adam.” He lets me stand next to him and says nothing. He is just looking up at the moon and the sky. He will speak to me when he is ready. We stand like this for a while. I can feel his anxiety so I plead, “Adam, talk to me. Maybe it will help whatever’s bothering you.”
He looks down at me. “Let’s go back to bed.” He reaches for my hand and I snap it away.
“I don’t want to go to bed. I want to know what’s wrong with you. Something is wrong and I can feel it. Have I done something to offend you? If I have, please let me know so I can fix it.” I sound panicked. He turns to me, his face still sad but soft; he must be able to tell how concerned I am over possibly offending him.
“No Babe. You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t think that.” He sounds desperate to convince me.
I start to cry. I can feel his pain and am agonizing over what it might be. He pulls me into his arms. “Please don’t cry Violet. Please.”
Between my tears I plead, “Please tell me what’s wrong. Please tell me.” He pulls me down to the grass and my head now is resting against his chest.
He whispers in my ear, “I hate to see you cry. Will you stop if I tell you?”
“Yes. I will.” I think I am about to understand a little bit more about why he has a ten-foot wall built around him, a moat, and a shield of armor as well.
“Tonight is the anniversary of my uncle’s passing. He committed suicide when I was twelve.”
I stop crying, shocked by what he’s just said. “Oh Adam, I am so sorry.”
“I was the one that found him. He left behind my aunt and three young children and my family, we were all very close. It was devastating.”
“Darling, I am so sorry. That must’ve been horrible for you. You can’t possibly forget something like that, no matter how hard you try.”
“I still have nights when I can see his hanging body from the tree in my parents’ backyard. It was a summer party and there were lots of people. He seemed to be having a great time. He was telling jokes, playing with his kids, and hugging his wife. He pulled me aside to find out how I was doing. We spoke for a good hour that evening. He was there for me more than my own father. My father travelled a lot for work. He has been a CEO since I was old enough to know what that means.” I hug him, using all the strength in my arms possible to keep him close to me. This Adam has no wall, moat, or armor. He is so vulnerable at this moment. I want to cry so badly because I love him and feel for him, but I don’t. He needs my strength more than ever now and I am going to give it to him.
“How do you cope with something like that?” I ask.
“My love of sailing is because of him. Uncle Andrew took me sailing when I was six and I loved it. For my seventh birthday he signed me up for sailing lessons. I became an avid sailor after that. When I saw his dangling body, I thought he was joking. How sick is that?”
“You were in shock. The mind isn’t rational at times like that. You couldn’t help it. You needed to protect yourself.”
“What happened next?”
“My mother stood and looked up at his hanging body. I heard her say “why?” over and over again. Finally, she turned towards me. She came over and turned me away so I couldn’t look at him anymore. We walked back into the party and she held my hand until she could find my father. I don’t know how she stayed composed. I was a zombie just following her in the direction she pulled my hand.” I pull him tighter to me. What a horrible story.
“When she told my father he told her to take me upstairs. It wasn’t too long after that the party ended and the police and paramedics were at our house. I could see the flashing lights from my bedroom. My sister Olivia was asleep through it all. Thank God.”
“Did you find out why? Why he did it?”
“We found out he had lost a large parcel of his family’s land. He made a bad deal based on poor legal advice. He sold the land to a large food conglomerate and lost millions of the family’s money and a piece of their heritage. The land had been in the family for many years. I guess the realization was too much for him.” He sighs.
“I became a lawyer because of that. I decided that night to reach for the top and put myself in a position to represent the large conglomerates. By representing them, I can ensure their business deals are conducted in a fair and ethical manner so I can protect others from what happened to my uncle. That’s part of the reason I work so hard.”
I’m beginning to understand him better. “How did your family pull through that?” I ask. “That’s a nightmare come true.”
“It gets worse. My aunt had a nervous breakdown and my three cousins lived with us for a year. She got help and was able to pull through, but she has never been the same. My cousin Jeffrey, the oldest, is still pretty fucked up. My mother began to self-medicate once my cousins went home. I think a full house was a welcomed distraction for her. Dad traveled so much and Mom ignored us during that time. She had no idea what she was doing to us. There were no physical scars, but my sister has never been able to be close to her. She asked to go to boarding school to get away from it all. I figured that out as I got older. Our housekeeper Janet took care of us until my dad finally figured out something was wrong. I learned quickly how fragile families are, even the rich ones. It was also during that time I decided never to have a family of my own. There’s too much risk and pain involved. I don’t like risk, so I stay clear of it.”
How do I respond to this? I could certainly feel the same way under similar circumstances. How very sad, sentencing yourself to loneliness at such a young age. He can only commit to dalliances, short-term relationships so he can’t get close to anyone, ending it before anything more can develop. The thought scares me to death.
“Oh Adam, sweetheart, it doesn’t have to be that way. There are many happy and loving families, you know. It’s during the tough times that family really shines. Believe me.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but that love stems from before what happened. Love is too fragile, too complicated, and a game I don’t seem to be able to understand. So I don’t play it. How could my uncle leave his wife and kids like that? I thought he loved his family, and yet he left them and all of us, the ones that loved him, behind to pick up the pieces, all of them very sharp jagged pieces. It was cruel, how can that be love?”
“There are many degrees of love Adam. You just have to find the right degree. It’s possible, but only if you allow it.”
“Violet, I really do appreciate your sweet and genuine nature. It even gives me hope for the world we live in. But I am who I am. I’m like steel. I can’t see myself changing, I’m sorry. You probably don’t want to hear that. But it’s the way I am and the way I will be. Now you know. I’ve never told anyone this story, ever, until now. It’s pretty fucked up.”
He has made himself rigid, like a solid stone wall, when it comes to love, I realize. I feel guilty, as I think I now have ten million more reasons to run like hell. No, I tell myself. I stand my ground, clutching on to Adam like my life and his depend on it. I remember reading once that most of our adult problems stem from our childhoods. This is clearly true for Adam. He looks exhausted. Who wouldn’t be with so much to bear, so many decisions about life being made before his time. It’s unfair that he has willingly sentenced himself to a life alone. Yet I love him more now than I did an hour ago. I have never seen him like this before, never imagined he could be so vulnerable. I want to protect him. I take his hand so we can stand up. The moonlight reflects over him and he looks sad but utterly beautiful to me. I lead him back inside to the house, thinking of his zombie state when his mother took him back in the house that day. Adam being vulnerable is like fire that doesn’t burn: it’s unimaginable. I take him back up to bed. I help him out of his jeans, pull the covers over him, and lay awake beside him until he falls asleep. I have nightmares that night and wake up frequently, his story weighing heavy on my mind.
I am exhausted and drained when I wake up the next morning. Surprisingly, Adam is still asleep. This is rare as he is normally up before me. I like looking at him, so peaceful and content. There is no trace of his intimidating stature, or any of the ‘Adam things’ I see when he is awake. A warm, loving feeling engulfs me. How can all this be happening to me so quickly? From what he shared with me last night, we are polar opposites when it comes to love. My heart wants him; it’s that simple.
We don’t discuss any of it. Adam is extremely affectionate with me though. Maybe it was his way of saying thank you. We go to the cemetery to put flowers on his uncle’s grave and say nothing more about it. We all have ways of coping and I’m thankful to have been with Adam when he needed someone. Sometime in the future I will broach the subject again. I have so many questions, but today is not the day to ask them.
Chapter 21
I wake up realizing it’s Sunday morning, the day Adam is going to meet my dad for the very first time. I stretch across the bed as Adam is not in it beside me. I know he is working out as he does most Sunday mornings. His bed has become very familiar and comfortable for me now. I decide to lay in it for a while longer as I reach over for the remote and turn on the television.
Adam comes into the bedroom with a cup of coffee for me.
“Here you go sweetheart.” His beautiful smile brightens the room and me instantly.
“Thank you, honey. What would I do without you?”
He sits on the side of the bed and pushes some hair off my face when he says, “One day at a time, okay?” He is almost whispering the words to me. I know he is doing his best to make me feel comfortable about us after sharing his reality with me. I really can’t imagine him not being with me. We’ve come so far, and I know deep down he must feel something for me as well. The thought of him not in my life is heartbreaking. I burst into tears without warning.
“Hey, did I say something wrong?” Adam wraps his arms around me.
“I’m fine. I’m sorry.”
“Babe, if you have something on your mind then tell me.”
“It just makes me sad to think of us not being together, that’s all.”
“Then don’t think about it. I enjoy my weekends with you. C’mon, smile for me please, or I will start to cry.” He is trying to make me laugh. It works as in between sobs I start to laugh until they subside. My mind trails back again to the other night and I think he has enough to worry about. I smile up at him and watch his body relax as I become calm. He asks me what time we’re leaving.
“If we leave around 11 we should be good.”
“Okay, so finish your coffee while I’ll get in the shower. I don’t want to annoy your dad by being late for our first introduc
tion.” Adam gets up and goes to shower. He looks back at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I smile at him. “Yes, I’m fine now. I will shower after you. Go, I’m fine.”
Ten minutes later Adam comes out of the bathroom with his towel on. I think to myself, better not or we’ll be late, and then head to the shower. The warm water feels so good. It eases some of the tension from my body after my teary episode. I reassure myself that all will be okay between us. What more can I ask for? It’s like he said, one day at a time. I want a beginning and no end, but I know he can’t promise that. I shake my head, watching the suds from the shampoo hit the glass shower door as I attempt to shake away the unsure feeling.
Stepping out of the shower I can see my reflection in the mirror. I remember back when I used to be impressed at how the bathroom mirrors didn’t steam up like mine because his bathroom was so large. I have to smile to myself, as this bathroom is now something I am just used to. I decide to let my hair air dry and get dressed in the bedroom, pulling on a pair of jeans and a blue short-sleeve shirt. I grab my purse before going down to meet Adam so we can leave. We are meeting my dad at a breakfast place he likes in the north end of the city. It’s a good central point for all of us.
“Are you ready to leave?” I ask Adam as I step into his home office. I can usually find him in here when he is not with me, sneaking in a bit of work here and there. He really is a workaholic.
He looks up from his computer screen. “Sure, give me two minutes to shut this down.”
In the car he requests, “So prep me for this meeting with your dad.” I laugh out loud as I feel like one of his employees now.
Solid Stone: Revolving Door Page 28